Who's Irritating Whom?
by Deritine
Summary: COMPLETE! Abusing Snape has more consequences than could be predicted. AU midOoTP with bits of HBP and DH. Xover with EQ1 and WoW and some other HP fanfics.
1. Dreams are worth it, too

Summary: Starts out as a pure humor fic and develops a plot around chapter 12 or so. Unintentional, but very interesting. There is a lot of death in the later chapters, a lot of combat magics but still a retention of the humor. I haven't planned this out in any way and it has kind of evolved on its own.

A/N: I haven't edited much (apologies!) but feel free to rub my atrocious grammar in my face. This chapter is really short, but the others average 10 pages each. (Value approximate, and no, I will not do an Excel spreadsheet to figure it out. Please don't make me :)

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Harry Potter or anything connected with the HP universe, nor do I own Everquest, Windows, PCs in general, or any of the other things in the fic. I do own the characters you don't recognize… well, some of them. But if the ones you don't recognize aren't mine, I have permission from the character creators. Sort of… Ok, long story, but this being a disclaimer and them knowing exactly what they would get if they sued me (a half-eaten chunk of chocolate and a malfunctioning laptop) I think I'm safe. To cover all bases- I own the first person character and Deritine, nothing else.

I float down a long stone corridor. As my bare toes skim the cool rough rock I recognize that I am dreaming. Though I sometimes feel that I can fly when awake, the painful reminder of the ground usually disillusions me. I look around the corridor, which is lined with all manner of strange clutter, mostly large statues. I float over to a large suit of armor with a helmet with a large dragon crest. The dragon looks very realistic, down to the miniature scales. My face gets within centimeters of the little dragon in my attempt to see all the details. It takes me a second to realize that the dragon has moved. That is amusing by itself. However, the dragon moved to bite my nose. I squeak and freeze. The hazy pain is spreading and becoming sharper. Tears come to my eyes. I poke at the dragon, squeezing the sides of its jaws. Unfortunately, the metal lizard does not open its mouth as its flesh and blood cousins would. Though the pain is that rather dislocated kind that is typical in dreams, it is far from comfortable.

I am rescued by a long hand which reaches around and fiddles with something on the suit of armor. The miniature jaws pop open and release my nose. The hand grabs my chin and turns my neck around to inspect the site of the wound. I find my face very close to another face, which looks about as willing to bite my nose as the metal reptile it released me from.

"You have been warned against this suit of armor, I am sure. The stupidity of ignoring that warning only compounds you rule-breaking at being out of your room at such an hour." A distorted view of a truly intimidating scowl punctuates the statement. I really do wish I could perhaps have a little more space between us. I have a very small personal bubble, but I still _have_ one. "Regardless, you were lucky enough to avoid injury." The scowl deepens. I get the impression that my savior would be happy to remedy that situation. The hand is still gripping my chin, one finger in that very uncomfortable place underneath the bone. "What house are you in? Year?" Eh? I usually know what is going on in my dreams, but I think I'm a bit lost. "Quickly, child, don't keep me waiting!" I jerk my head out of the long hand and float back so that I can get a good look at the person interrogating me.

"I don't know what you mean." I look around. "And I'm not a child, anyway."

I see that my interrogator is a male. A male with suspiciously familiar features. Long, hooked nose, pale complexion, and greasy black hair. My nose starts to twitch in amusement. "What is so amusing? I asked you a question, I expect an answer."

I start to chortle. "Is that you Sevvie-kins?"

I think that he might be about to bust something. And yet, he looks so coolly collected. Managing to do both at the same time is perhaps more amusing than just anger might have been. "What did you call me?"

I feel a malicious stirring. "My precioussss Ssseverussss." I say in a Gollum-like tone. "Ssssevie-kinsss." I watch his twitching body, holding back laughter by sheer will alone. I can not contain it any longer and burst out laughing, rolling about in the air. I see him pointing a wand at my mirthful self and see his lips moving before I wake up gasping and laughing in my bed.

"You should have seen his face! It was priceless." My friend gives me a funny look. "What?"

"You really do have strange dreams, Aimry." Hannah sighs.

"Oh, but that's not the whole of it…" Hannah groans. "Well, it's not…"

"Aimry, as fascinating as that sounds… I don't care."

I laugh. I certainly hope tonight's dreaming will be as amusing!


	2. Falling onto the ceiling and into bed

I find myself in the same or similar corridor. I am standing on the ground this time. Or not. All the statues seem to be attached to the ceiling. Possible in Hogwarts, I suppose. I look straight up into the greasy head of everybody's favorite Potion Master. I grin. He hasn't noticed me yet. I walk along the ceiling as he walks along the floor. We come out of the dungeons and I am blinded. Clutching my eyes, I feel vertigo. I feel that I have impacted something. I blink open my eyes and find myself in a very irritated lap. I look up at Snape's face sheepishly. "Good morning, Severus."  I decide to be conservative. 

"You have no right to my first name. I am Professor Snape to you." He gives me a death glare. Which, to my mind, should be patented. "Get off." He growls shortly.

"Sorry." I float upward. Or downward, if still counting the ceiling as the floor…

He stands smoothly and gracefully. "Using magic out of the classrooms is forbidden. Where is your uniform?"

"I'm not a student here." _Though that would be very cool._ "And I'm not using magic, anyways."

"Floating is of course a natural thing to be doing."

"Absolutely." He is a persistent dream character, at least. Usually by now we would have swapped bodies or some such. And it is nice I can actually look at him. Silly dreams. A burst of noise comes from the hallway to the right of the one we had just exited. The sound echoes off the high vaulted ceiling. Perhaps it was a good thing that I had fallen off the ceiling. 

A herd of black-clad children burst into the space. Amusingly they avoid Sev as if he were a large rock in their river. No one looks up, else I would be seen, methinks. Sev is staring at me, though. I do notice then that I am wearing my pajamas. These include my "Common Cow" T-shirt and my boxer shorts with the glow-in-the-dark hearts on them. Not in the dress code, indeed.

The herd moves on. I feel a need to visit the restrooms. I wake to the pressure of my bladder.

*   *   *

This time a made sure to go to sleep wearing a bra and long pants. I feel that I will be less conspicuous floating through the halls in a dark Cats T and grey fleece draw-strings. A good thing, too. This time I find myself in quite the strange position. 

Lying tangled up in Sev's various limbs I postulate upon my arrival times. It is amusing that I have come twice at night and once during the day. Or at least, I'm assuming that first time was at night. And I suppose Sev could be asleep at any time, so this is not necessarily night. Oh, well. Not really worth worrying about. Dreams are dreams, after all. I figure out that Sev is lying diagonally across the bed, and I am lying with my head to the foot. One of his legs is over my stomach, the other over my left leg and under my right. It is actually quite comfortable. I twist around to see if he is wearing a grey nightie like he was in the fourth book. Indeed he is. At present it seems to be hitched up around his thighs… 

Blushing I move back into my former position. I didn't see anything. Wait, I want to see something, don't I? It is a dream after all. I lay there pensively. Well, maybe later. He's probably wearing boxers or something. Hmm. Another interesting question… Boxers or briefs? Or do wizards have something completely different that they wear? 

Well, I figure since I'm here, in the bed, I should do something. Perhaps fill his room with balloons? Heh. That sounds fun. Problem: Where to get the balloons? I think. Wait, I'm dreaming. If I want balloons, I can have balloons. I concentrate on a balloon, everything I know of or can think of one. I form it in my mind and will it to exist. Nothing happens. I hate it when that happens. Perhaps I am trying too hard. I feel a leg stir. His left, if he's on his back. I look over at the foot attached to the leg on my stomach. I can't really tell. I move my hand slightly to touch it. The big toe is farthest from me. So that is his right leg. So, yes, the moving one is his left. 

Apparently he is ticklish on his feet, or something, as now both legs move. I freeze so as not to inspire further movement. After a while he stills. Both legs have traveled northward. His right is nestled right below my bra line and his other… well. 

Now slightly distracted I reconsider the balloon idea. Maybe if I make the balloons without the air inside them first. I think on that, willing them to be. And it works. Why that did, I know not. I have them in a package, though. I open the package quietly and pull out a balloon. I regard its floppy self. I stick a finger in the opening and stick out my tongue. The balloon fills itself. I love my instincts. I tie it off and reach for another. Soon most of the bedroom is filled with the balloons. I throw the last on up onto the pile behind me. I wince as I note them falling. The mass of plastic and air cascades over top of me and onto Severus. 

He wakes up.

"_Lumos_." Suddenly all the balloons are lit from behind. It is very pretty. They burst into activity as I assume Severus hits them with his arm, as I do not hear another spell. I feel movement through his legs as he pulls himself into a sitting position. He ends up very close to my side with legs still tangled up in me. 

All the balloons that had been between us are flung away by a nightie clad arm. I wave. "Hello." 

He blinks twice before I can see incredulous anger rising. "How did you get in here?" He growls.

"I'm not sure, really."

"You're not sure." It isn't a question. "You are in my bed."

I wasn't aware that Snape was one to restate the obvious. "It is very comfy." 

His face takes on an expression that, while being not easy to decipher, is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen. I wake up laughing.

*   *   *

"Dumbledore, this is not amusing." Professor Severus Snape paces in front of a twinkling Headmaster. That description is more accurate than most people would believe. Dumbledore has a special charm that does indeed make him twinkle. 

"I would say that it is amusing. Lemon drop?" Dumbledore offers the irate professor the aforementioned candy. "Has no one else seen this girl?"

The scowl deepens. "No. Those idiot students walked right under her and never noticed." If contempt could stick to such abstract concepts as words, it would be coating the ones leaving Severus Snape's mouth.

"And she was sleeping with you last night?"

"Yes." Dumbledore gets a mischievous look. "Not like that!" Snape snaps. And you thought Roshi-sensei was bad…

"Well, perhaps she is a new ghost."

"She was entirely too solid to be a ghost."

"Oh?"

"Yes." Snape bites off the end of the word. Not that it is long to begin with.

"Hmm. Well." Dumbledore manages to look wise while sucking rather noisily on a lemon drop.

"This is the third time, Headmaster."

"Three is a magical number. Perhaps that will be the last time."

*   *   *

I am in a corner. Below me are children in black robes. If I am seeing correctly, then this is a Slytherin/ Griffindor double potions class. I see a helmet head of platinum blond. I look around and find two massive boys bracketing helmet head. On the opposite side of the room I see a bushy brown head next to one of blazing orange and jet black. Excellent. I know who this class is. Perhaps Neville will explode something. 

Snape swoops in, yelling at a few Griffindors and deducting points as he passes. You have to admire the skill. He doesn't miss a step. He gets to the front of the classroom and swoops around to face forward. He looks at me and stops mid-syllable. I can't help myself. "Bravo!" I cheer, clapping wildly. I wake up with the cheer echoing in my room.

*   *   *

Harry looks back at the corner that Professor Snape is staring so intently at as he hears the cheer and the applause. He sees a flash of something, but it is gone before anything but a cartoon cow has time to register. He looks back into the eyes of Malfoy. They both look to the Professor immediately. Snape is staring at the corner with bits of his face twitching periodically. He looks sharply at Harry. "Potter!" Harry winces. "You saw it?"

"Well, yes sir. I mean, sir… I saw a…"

"Spit it out Potter."

"A… cow?"

"A cow, Potter? Ten points from Griffindor." Harry knows by now not to argue. If challenged, Professor would probably say that it was for 'stupidity' or some such. Besides, Snape has a strange expression on his face. Almost… relieved? "Potter, come with me. Class dismissed. Malfoy, you stay, too." 

"Harry!" Ron whispers fiercely. Hermione looks over, worried.

"It's alright. I didn't do anything."

"Since when has _that mattered?" Ron asks._

"Potter!" Harry jumps up to follow Snape, misgivings in tow. He feels much better when he sees that they are headed toward Dumbledore's office. Snape is seemingly so irritated that it takes him three tries to get the gargoyle to understand the password.

Up the stairwell they find Dumbledore at his desk. _I wonder if he leaves…_ Harry abandons his daydreaming for the obligatory glare at Malfoy. Snape stalks up to Dumbledore and slams his hands on the desk, startling both boys out of their pseudo contest of wills. "It was in my class this time. In class! Now you have to do something!"

The two enemies look at each other again, though this time in puzzlement. "Now, Severus…" Dumbledore soothes. 

"No! This time I have witnesses. These two saw it. All the rest of the class has reaction speeds of petrified dragon skulls, but these two were intelligent enough to turn around in time." Harry contemplates that perhaps Snape had just given him a compliment. By Draco's puzzled look, it seems he has realized the same. Snape whirls with a strange look to him. Rather like Uncle Dursley when Harry got caught trying to prevent the pudding from falling on his guests. Harry backs up slightly. Draco holds his ground, barely. "Tell him, Malfoy."

"I saw a brightly colored forest scene." Draco says carefully. When Snape looks unsatisfied he continues. "I believe it was a garment of some kind."

That jars something loose from Harry's recollection. "Yes, there was a cow in the forest. And it was printed on a ratty white T-shirt." Draco and Snape give him puzzled looks. "That's a Muggle shirt." He adds.

Dumbledore looks thoughtful. "That is very interesting. I think I might look into this." He gets up from his chair and walks over to Fawkes. "You may go, you two. We have much to discuss." Harry and Draco walk slowly from the office. Harry is very curious about what is going on. He contemplates briefly talking to Draco, but almost immediately squashes the very idea.

They come to the branching of their two paths. Harry starts off to the Griffindor tower lost in thought. "Potter!" Harry turns around. A confused frown and a sneer vie for dominance upon Draco's face. The result is quite comical. Harry smiles briefly and the expression materializes into a full sneer. What Harry has come to think of as the "Potter" sneer, to be precise. He never sees Draco without it. "Don't think that you're getting off easy, Potter." 

"Don't worry, Malfoy. As soon as you can come up with something original to say I will cease to be getting off easy." Draco's sneer turns a little angrier. He still seems uncertain, and unlike his usual provocative self. 

"Potter."

"Malfoy." Malfoy shakes his head minutely. Harry nods. They go their separate ways, both a little uneasy with the effortless unspoken communication.


	3. Internet comments

I sit late at night in my room, surfing idly and reading updated HP fanfics. What strange dreams I've been having lately. Finally I shut my laptop with a click. I lie back on my bed and wonder if perhaps people aren't a little bit messed up. Of all the fanfics, probably 90% of them are slash. The other 10% are hg/ss. So I'm obsessed with Severus. I'm not alone. But I wonder. I don't think Sev is gay. But perhaps that is just wishful thinking. I fall asleep and wander off to the now familiar dungeons. I am in Severus' rooms again, but not his bed. I am partly relieved and partly disappointed about that.

I am lying on top of the bookcases. They are remarkably free of dust, but with strange nick-knacks here and there. For instance, where could Severus Snape have possibly had the occasion to acquire a bobble-headed Sumo wrestler with magically animated poses? Severus is beneath me grading papers. I look over and see that he is on one by Draco. As is the way in dreams, I seem to know what he is talking about in his essay on the uses of fairy wing extract. 

I spot a fatal flaw in his argument wherein he mistakes the fairy for pixie extract. The two things having similar, but explosively different properties in the potion he is proposing. Severus winces slightly but glosses over the mistake. When he puts it aside I look down at it. I feel like commenting. I imagine a little pop-up window, and proceed to mentally dictate. I outline his error and finish with. "Draco, such a mistake will not only counteract the effect that you want, but will also lead to an explosion of impressive proportions. Useful in some situations, I'm sure. But unless you want to sing like a castrated choir-boy for three weeks, I suggest you look more intimately at your ingredients." I sign the bottom, "Deritine, Aimry et. All." 

The color comes out to be in a maroon. I think that it looks quite good next to Sev's bluish pen ink. I proceed to 'help' him with his grading, though I had to agree with the grade on Neville's, I think the only reason Goyle passed was pure favoritism. 

I grow bored and wander through the wall. I am amused that I can wander through walls, but quickly am distracted by the sight of my old friend the biting helmet. I have a most amusing idea. I picture a printout of the truly plot less and extremely slashy fic I had just finished. I write on the top, "We love you Sev. We love you a little _too _much." It is a hp/dm/ss fic. I give it to the dragon who promptly bites down and holds it.

I wander the corridors, distributing copies of every pairing I can remember. Except ss/ad. That is just not right. Ew. I feel satisfied as I wake up to my irritating alarm.

*   *   *

Hermione pants along with her fifty pound book bag. And that is with the lightening spells. She pauses next to a sheaf of Muggle papers lying on a small side table under a crystal ball. She reads the top. "All characters you recognize belong to the goddess J.K. If I was paid, I wouldn't be posting on ffnet. Bug off, I have nothing. Warning: Slash. dm/ss. You have been warned. Flame me not or I will sic my gumballs at you. They are very scary. You don't want gumballs. Trust me." 

Hermione is very confused. Is this some kind of curse? Is it even written in English? What is 'slash' anyway? Perhaps it is for a paladin or something. There is the evoking of a goddess and holy flame and guardian beasts. She reads on. She turns the first page and suddenly realizes what slash means. "My God!" She exclaims softly. And in the way of all slash readers… she keeps going. A high blush has covered her face and her jaw refuses to close as she reaches the end of the short three page fic. Dean runs by, skids to a halt and backtracks. 

"You have one, too? Finished reading it? Let me see." Dean takes the short stack from Hermione's limp fingers. "Aw. I've seen this one already." He grins impishly up at Hermione. "We're gathering them for blackmail. And preservation. Professor Snape got wind of these and is on a rampage." He looks down at the paper. "Well, it is an original I suppose. Mind if I take this?" Hermione shakes her head mutely. "Thanks." He dashes off, and then turns back. "You wouldn't want to be caught with this by Snape. Oh, and you should probably know, some of them have you in it." He looks pensive. "I think I was in one too, but not in such a… er… _active role." He is gone._

"Active roll?" Hermione begins to be afraid. As she has every right to be. Draco runs up. He stops in front of her and sneers.

"Mudblood." He looks like he is expecting her to be hurt. Half an hour ago she would have been. Now, however, she is traumatized. She starts to laugh. "I don't know what's so bloody funny, Granger. From what I've read…" He trails off.

"Malfoy, I don't think you want to know what I just read." Draco's eyes widen.

"Well, then." He dashes off again. Hermione tries not to think about what she has read and what Draco might have read and dashes off to Potions. She left forty-five minutes early, but now there is no time for breakfast. The boys had already left. She gets to the dungeon just in time and slides into a seat next to Ron. He turns to her with wide eyes.

"Hermione. I just read the most…"

"Which did you get?"

"Me with…" 

Hermione winces in sympathy. "With whom?" Ron looks over at a bedraggled young Slytherin whom Hermione had recently parted ways. "With Malfoy?!" 

"Yes." He gulps. Harry slide in on the other side of Ron. 

"Phew. He's not here yet. Ron, what's wrong, mate?"

"I read a story today. With me and M-malfoy and…" He jumps as Snape whirls in the classroom. He squeaks "Snape." Ron looks a little green. Hermione winces in sympathy. Harry looks confused. 

"Class." Everyone jumps and looks quickly away from a certain area on their Potion Master which certain writings had recently directed attention to. Only Harry looks confused. "Today we will be learning about the-"

"It's not true is it?" Someone interrupts.

Snape scowls. He also fidgets slightly. A novel sight, seeing him fidget. "The principle players are all here in this room with us, perhaps you should ask them." Snape's voice could kill anything less brave than a suicidal moth. The class's attention shifts to Ron, Hermione, Draco and Harry. Ron passes out. Hermione blushes beet red. Draco tries to look uncaring but seems a little paler than he usually is. Harry is lost.

"What is going on?" He asks. Was that a flash of pity in Draco's eyes? Hermione looks quite exasperated.

"Potter, you don't want to know." Malfoy mutters.

"Enough. Twenty points from Griffindor. We are in class." The lesson proceeded smoothly, and the essays were handed back. Everyone looks at their papers, puzzled. "I have graded the assignment and returned it. Now leave!"

Draco looks up, irritated. "What is the meaning of this? And who are Deritine, Aimry et. All?"

"What?" Severus grabs the nearest paper. He rubs the bridge of his considerable nose. "That… just…" The class looks up, quite surprised at their teacher's lack of vocabulary. "Disregard anything in maroon. I will find the culprit." He looks down at the paper in his hand. "Give them back to me." He regains his anger when no one moves. "Now! Give them back to me, and get out of here."

In the hallway, Ron looks a bit recovered by having something else to mull over. "Snape would never right that stuff. There was actually a compliment in there."

"Yes. I don't think it was him." Hermione adds. 

Harry looks pensive. "You know the other day when Snape made me follow him…"

*   *   *

I am in Severus' bed again. This time right side up draped over his chest. He tense under me and I am flipped over onto my back, pinned beneath his weight. I rather enjoy the experience, but that is probably not what he is going for. "Deritine, or is it Aimry?"

"Aimry. How did you…"

"It could only have been you who wrote those comments on my papers."

"Ah, yes. How did you like them?"

He growls in his throat. It tickles where our chests touch. "They were very… insightful." He allows.

"I wasn't sure where the expertise came from, myself."

"Why are you doing this?" He looks about to explode. I note that he is fully clothed. Including a belt. Belt buckles are uncomfortable when being pressed into your stomach. "Pay attention! Answer me!" He shakes the bed to emphasize his point. I am thinking about another kind of point. And how that would be emphasized… I blame it on the fanfics. And possibly Bio class. All they think about is sex.

I look up into his eyes. The lighting makes them look like endless pits. Lighting from a lamp on the bedside table, I suppose. "You are so… interesting when you are angry." I say, brushing some of his hair off my face and behind his ear. "This is only a daydream, though. My class must have finally put me to sleep. This won't last long."

"What are you talking about?" He hisses. 

"I don't know." I wake up to Hannah trying to stop me from saying that out loud in the lecture hall of my math class.

Severus falls onto the bed from where my body used to be. He lays there unmoving for a long time.


	4. Dumbledore?

Draco sits at the Slytherin table, poking at the food on his plate and gazing at his bedraggled Head of House. Professor Snape is normally either punctual or absent. And when Snape slouches in halfway through breakfast, Draco realizes something is wrong. Unfortunately, Crabbe and Goyle are less than intelligent and unusable for anything requiring thought. Draco doesn't usually feel the need for conversation, but if Snape is feeling under the weather, than Draco's father will expect to be informed by his son before hearing it from other sources. That being the reason Draco is at Hogwarts rather than any other school.

Of course, recent events and certain paper distributions have seriously jeopardized his family. It wasn't bad enough that the stories describe explicitly unflattering scenes, but the heavy implication of the Malfoy allegiance with Voldemort was turning unwanted attentions to the family. Draco had sent off a copy of one of the worst (in both respects) to his father the day they appeared. It has been three days since then. Malfoy Sr. should be sending a reply soon. One of the Malfoy family over-bred owls swoops gracefully over the Slytherin table and precisely delivers a letter to the area between Draco's plate and the platters of food.

Draco picks up the letter and looks at the seal. As he expected, from his father. Draco puts the letter in his robe and nods for his grunts to follow him to a safe place to open the letter. Not that Draco's father would write anything incriminating in a letter to his son at school, but everyone is hypersensitive now due to the distributed fictions.

Draco read the letter quickly, then quietly _Incendio-_ed it to dust. Brushing his fingertips Draco sighs. As he had expected, his father wants more information. And unfortunately for Draco, the only person… what was it? Having "reaction speeds" better than "petrified dragon skulls"? Leave it to the Potions Master to have such an analogy. They only other person to see… something… is Potter. Draco grimaces. Meanwhile Lucious will be looking into the traitor allegations in the stories. They might be the whimsy of a bored creature, but that does not allow them to be disregarded.

*   *   *

Harry is on his way to Divinations with Ron. Late as usual. Draco stands in the middle of the corridor, blocking their way with wand out. "Malfoy! Move now!" Ron growls as he points his own wand at Draco.

"Think you can cast the spell on the right person this time? Though it's not a sure thing with that second hand wand."

"I've learned a few new spells, Malfoy. We found a spell you are familiar with. Transfiguration into a ferret?" Ron replies nastily.

Draco pales slightly. "I don't want you, Weasly. I need Potter." He looks slightly ill. "I wish to speak with Potter." He corrects hastily.

Ron chooses to let that topic be ignored. Harry gestures to Draco's wand. "Funny way to talk to someone." Draco and Ron put their wands away warily. 

Draco shrugs. "I need to know more about the thing following Professor Snape."

"Why are you talking to me about it?"

"You are the only one who saw it. Besides me." Draco rethinks his idea. Not even for his father… "Obviously you are too incompetent to be of any use."

Harry and Ron glare at Draco. He swirls around and begins to stalk off. "Not good to show your back to us, Malfoy."

"I am not that stupid, Weasly." Draco says back still turned.

"What is it?"

"Never mind, Potter. I was obviously in error to think that you were intelligent." Draco stalks off leaving a fuming Ron and a pensive Harry in his wake, both no longer thinking at all about their tardiness to Divinations.

*   *   *

I am in the dining hall. No one seems to have noticed me. I am tucked out of sight behind some sculptural elements. Dumbledore seems to be absent. I am feeling quite into the dream. I think that I might be able to pull off a transformation. Because, of course, I am Dumbledore. I grin and stroke my long snowy beard with my gnarled hand.

I float backwards through the wall and reenter the hall through the mundane… er… designated door. I walk over to the table and sit down at Dumbledore's place. Oh, the possibilities. I look up at the ceiling. It is raining. I miss not hearing the drops hit the ground. The food looks good, though. Perhaps I can taste, tonight.

"Headmaster! I thought that you were visiting the ministry today." _Ah._ I think as the teacher looks at me, puzzled. I have no idea who she is. Silly WB for not publishing more movies.

I decide to be flamboyant. "Well, my dear, the Ministry was having a drunken orgy. I felt… unable to perform. I hear Muggles have a pill to help with that, though. You want to help me test it?" Wait a minute… I'm Dumbledore. Ewww…. I think Professor I-don't-know-her-name is probably traumatized for life. 

"Albus!" Now her, I do recognize. Minerva looks quite put off. Hmm. Perhaps Dumbledore is a dirty old man. Women on either side! Well, I don't want to blow my cover just yet.

"Sorry, Minerva. I was just kidding. In fact, the meeting took much less time than expected." She still looks suspicious. And on my other side, I think shock has set in. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn around to see black. Looking up I gleefully recognize the agitated Potions Master. "Severus." I greet.

"Headmaster, if I may speak with you privately at your convenience."

Oh well. Restraint is for the conscious. "Oh, Severus. We've been over this…" He looks confused. "This is about your problem, isn't it?"

To my surprise, the answer is affirmative. "Yes, Headmaster. We have an appointment later tonight, but since you are back so soon…" Eh? What problem could Sev be having? 

"You should eat some of this food, Severus. You are too thin, anyway. You insult our house elves."

Snape frowns. Rather, Snape frowns more deeply. "I am not hungry."

"Nonsense." Must resist… must resist… who am I kidding? "Poor Sevvie-wevvie needs to eat. He needs to keep his widdle stwenth up." I see a storm brewing. Maybe a little bit of a push and we'll have a thunderstorm. I think he really hates baby-talk. Though, I must admit, I'm in agreement. Perhaps this is a little below the belt. Actually, probably more above the belt. "Mustn't neglect our tum-tums!" I reach up and pat Snape's belly. I see his eyes flash. Suddenly there is a wand right between my eyes. "Now, now, don't be hasty."

"You…you… Dumbledore!" Snape is so irate he can't seem to string a complete sentence together. I feel that perhaps the gig is up. I pull my right eyelid down with the corresponding pointer finger and stick my tongue out. Suddenly my view shifts abruptly and I feel the need to peck the ground.

McGonagall's abrupt movement as she whips out her own wand sends me fleeing under the table. I dodge around robed legs squawking hysterically. "Severus! You changed the Headmaster into a chicken!"

"I did no such thing. And that is not the Headmaster."

"You're right! It's a chicken." I see the hands too late. I am brought up above the table to look into kind eyes over an out-of-control beard. 

"Well, Professor Dumbl'dor, sir. You make a right pretty chicken." My, what big eyes you have! My chickeny jerking brings McGonagall into my field of vision. 

"Oh, Albus. We'll have you back to yourself soon." A wand is pointed at me again. Annoyingly, I can only look at it with one eye. I make myself quite dizzy switching between eyes. "_Finitum Incantatum!" Nothing happens. McGonagall looks quite intrigued. I meanwhile am wondering if chickens can puke. I feel quite ill. Whether this is due to the spell or the continued movement of my head I'm unsure. A lot of Latin passes over my head figuratively and literally. Perhaps I should have kept that up. "__Reddo exemplar instar **[1]**"  I feel like my spine has turned into a rubber band. Not in a lack of strength, but rather in that I jerked out of the chicken form with a motion rather like snapping elastic. The force flings me out of Hagrid's hands and over into someone a neighbor's lap._

I look up into the extraordinary eyes of Madame Hooch. "I always wanted eyes like yours." I address the startled flight instructor.

"I told you it wasn't Dumbledore! That is the female that has been haunting me." I hear Snape's triumphant voice over the troubled murmurings. 

I suppose the gig is up, then. I float upward off Hooch's lap. I note that I am back to being myself. Down to the green plaid flannel pants and black and blue polka dot shirt. I note Severus' quirked eyebrow. Well, sleeping wear isn't supposed to match. He should know, he's seen most of it. "Albus?" Minerva asks dubiously.

"Well, no." I look around. Everyone in the entire hall is looking at me, professors, staff, students and Mrs. Norris. All those eyes are rather intimidating. What was it that everyone says to do? Right, underwear. As I think it, a rush of brightness sweeps the hall. I choke as I see everyone in their intimates. I look over at Snape and confirm- boxers. I howl with laughter and thrash wildly, unable to control my mirth. I wake up with an oof as I hit the floor.

*   *   *

Draco watches the drama at the teacher's table with interest. If Snape actually attacks Dumbledore his loyalty will no longer be in question. However, his sanity might. A few seconds later, Draco blinks rapidly in an attempt to comprehend. He immediately recognizes the female floating in the air, however. Half-remembered impressions spring back to life as he notes that I have changed clothes but not themes. Cow spots to polka dots. _It was a waste to talk to Potter. _Draco's thoughts are interrupted by the explosion of laughter and my subsequent disappearance. He is utterly confused until he realizes why he suddenly got much cooler. Even his near naked state does not damper his enjoyment once the screaming begins. 

All the boys laugh and taunt as most of the younger girls and some of the older race back to their dorms, arms crossed over their breasts. They are followed by a few guys as well. Laughter follows the unlucky nudes out the door. For once Draco wishes that he is a Griffindor as he watches Collin Creevy snapping pictures of the fleeing droves. Not a good day to hang loose! 

  


* * *

[1]reddo- to give back, restore, return; answer, translate, render, to repeat, recite, represent, imitate, pay up, deliver.

exemplar: model, pattern, original, prototype, book to copy.

instar: a form, figure, after the fashion of, like.

My Latin be quite rusty, but I think this works. ^^;; Attempting "Return to original form" Translation from 


	5. Truely, potions cause problems

"I hear that your friend impersonated me at breakfast today." Dumbledore comments as he leans back in his chair. Severus is pacing in front of the desk. Or perhaps stalking is a better word for it.

"If it wasn't enough that she is bloody annoying, she is compromising me in the eyes of Voldemort."

"Well, after you attacked 'me' today, perhaps those doubts will be quelled somewhat." Severus snorts. "I talked with some people when I visited the Ministry today." Snape twirls to face Dumbledore squarely. "From what you told me and what research we have done I was able to collaborate and get some more definite answers." The Headmaster pauses thoughtfully. 

"And?"

"This girl seems to be coming from another reality when she sleeps. Remember how she said that she would leave soon as it was only a nap?" Snape nods. "Another point in favor of that theory is that she disappears at times that are like points when one's dreams end."

"But then why does she not appear at set intervals?"

Dumbledore raises an eyebrow. "You should know about inconsistent sleeping patterns, my boy."

Snape glares. "Yes, but they sometimes are weeks apart. There have been seven visits, now. The first was almost a year ago."

"Likely the two realities have differing temporal rates. That is actually more believable than the two having the same rates. As we know, time is neither constant nor fixed. Time turners and such have proven that." Snape feels the irritation growing. Every time the Headmaster mentions time turners or temporal anomalies, he gets this odd twinkle in his eye, making a joke at Severus' expense he is sure.

"If she is waking up…" Severus does not finish his sentence, causing Dumbledore to become nervous.

*   *   *

I am in a hallway again. I see Neville Longbottom pause beneath me, muttering. I float down to just above his head. "I can't believe I'm lost. I've been going to Potions for years, now." Potions, eh? I poke Neville at the nape of his neck and catch him as he drops to the ground. I stick him in an alcove, pick up his books and step onto the ground. I am Neville and he cannot walk on air. I do pass through some walls, however. If Neville was late, then I feel justified in cutting a few corners. Besides which, I don't think I can find the Potions classroom the normal way. I get to the door, panting, Neville's books firmly under one arm. Snape swoops up to me. I feel quite afraid. And highly amused. The two sensations make me feel quite uncomfortable. Apparently it is quite normal for Longbottom to squirm under Snape's gaze. I take the heavy glare to mean 'take your seat.' I plop down in the only empty seat, which is right next to the Griffindor trio. I look over at them for my first good view since the dreamings began. I note with pleasure that Harry's eyes are indeed green, and not blue. Take that WB!

"For some, waltzing into class halfway through the lesson is not enough. They also do not deign to pay attention." Somehow Snape had moved behind me without my noticing. I squeak and flip around to face him. I think there might be a sadistic gleam in that cold eye. Or perhaps I'm just looking for it. Without moving away, Snape continues. "You will find the potion we are doing on page 143." I move toward my book. "Since this is a potion that we have covered many times, no one should need to use their books." He reaches around me and jerks the tome out of my hand. 

Does he not know that I, or rather Neville, is horrible at potions? Snape finally returns to the front of the classroom. There is definitely a sadistic gleam in his eye. I hate dreams where one is unprepared. Hate.

"What are you waiting for? Begin!" I scurry up with the rest of the class and gather what Hermione is gathering. This seems to be what most people are doing, including the Slytherins. I make it back to my place and look at the ingredients. Looks like we're making some kind of energy potion. All the ingredients have healing and refreshing properties.

Hermione leans over and whispers quickly, "We're making a Pepper Up potion."

"Mrs. Granger. I am perfectly confident that Mr. Longbottom has had proper instruction in making this potion and does not need a repeat lesson." Hermione gulps and returns to her own potion. Well, I'll give Sev credit. This potion, while having energetic properties, it actually quite hard to explode. It is rather endothermic, only giving off the energy when needed. 

I get busy, slicing and dicing, mixing and stirring. I peer into the cauldron. I tap my chin thoughtfully as I see that the solution is a lime green color and not the red of a Pepper Up potion. How interesting. I sort mentally sort through what I put into the cauldron so far. A rush of happiness sweeps through me. This is like a puzzle, an adventure… like organic chemistry! But best of all, the colors and immediacy of the reactions. I sigh happily. 

Back to business, I am fairly sure that a few more ground manticore hairs will turn the solution to a red color. However, that will also make it thicken to an unhelpful gloppy slop. So, first I need to add something juicy. Perusing my ingredients I spot some solidified moon caterpillar guts. At the temperature of the cauldron they will melt and counteract the coagulation of the manticore hairs. And when the potion cools, the guts will make the potion more palatable. Well, not to the brewer. 

I slice the jelly-like guts into centimeter thick slabs on an oak cutting board so that I can just slip them off the board into the cauldron. The oak also has the nice property of not sticking to the guts, as metal and stone would. I poise the board over the liquid, careful not to let it touch. The potion and the wood would have an… adverse reaction. 

"Mr. Longbottom!" I scream, jump and drop all the oak and all the guts into the cauldron. I really don't react well to being startled. "What are you…?" 

"Shit!" I interrupt him. I jump back and run right into Sev. He grips my arm tightly.

"What…" I interrupt him again.

"That oak will expand the volume exponentially and have an explosive kinetic…" This time I am interrupted as the now neon green potion bursts out of the cauldron. It looks like a giant wall of Jell-O. I wake up in bed twitching. 

I fight with my covers, feeling suddenly too hot. Once I get those off, I am still antsy. I feel like energy is bouncing around inside my skin with no escape and limitless potential. I jump off of my bed and start pacing. My limbs are twitching randomly. I feel a giggle bubble up from inside my stomach. I burst out of the room and run up and down the hall and the stairs. There are four flights and I take them multiple times with record speed. Being a rather lazy person in general, I am astonished. And apparently quite amused. I leave the dorm and roll down a grassy hill, laughing hysterically. I climb up the outside of my brick dorm and in through the window of my room. I almost fell a couple times laughing so hard. I run back out and around the entire campus, then through the town, giggling and bouncing as I go. Good thing it is the middle of the night. I feel a little uneasy, though, when I can actually think. The most plausible explanation for my hyper energy is that potion… but that was a dream, wasn't it?

*   *   *

For a second after the explosion, there is a still silence. Then Hermione gasps "Neville! He's… gone." A neon green Severus Snape bursts out laughing. An equally green Hermione looks appalled through the goo. "Professor Snape, that is not…" She starts to giggle. "funny."

A chorus of laughing affirmatives comes from the Griffindors. "N-not funny at all!" Harry chuckles.

"It is… so!" Giggles Draco, accompanied on each side by slow deep laughter from Crabbe and Goyle.

"Get…to…the…in-in-infirmary." Gasps Snape between laughing fits. He starts to twitch. He attempts to grasp his side but his arm doesn't want to sit still. As if that was a cue, everyone starts flailing, unable to sit at their desks anymore. Snape collapses to the ground. Harry brings his stubborn streak to bear. He notes that even the inside of Snape's mouth is green. He must have swallowed some. And even with his limited potion knowledge, Harry knows that that makes the effects stronger than merely getting it on one's skin. 

He tries to control his laughter in order to cast a spell. "_Mobilus Corpus!"_ He is glad to see that it works on conscious people as well. He jumps from his seat and sprints from the dungeons. The rest of the class dash after him and Snape's contorting floating form. They get to the infirmary, laughing hysterically and running and jumping in circles.

Madame Pomfrey manages to get the circumstances out of the giggling group. She gets the goop off of them with cleaning charms, saving it as Severus had asked between fits of laughter. She sends them off to the Quidditch field to burn off the excess energy. The class runs and tumbles over each other, laughing madly. Snape finally regains control of his body enough to give in to the irresistible urge to join in.

Eventually the potion wears down enough so that speech is plausible, as long as the group continues to run. The shifting herd runs over the school grounds, following whoever happens to be in front. 

Hermione and Ron find themselves together briefly. "How wicked is this potion? It feels like I just won the House cup!"

Hermione laughs and answers, "Yes, I don't get this excited even when I get top marks on the finals!" They are swept away from each other again.

Draco finds himself next to Harry. "Potter! It is such a waste talking to you!" he laughs.

Harry slaps him on the back and replies, "You pathetic ferret, I can't stand the sight of you!" Both break out into hysterical laughter. Harry puts his arm around the other boy and leans closer. The effect is rather spoiled by the motion of both of their running. "You know, Draco. I finally got a hold of one of those… stories." He winks. "It made me realize so many things." Catcalls come from all around, male, female, Slytherin and Griffindor alike. A general collapse drops half the group as the laughter makes them too weak to stand briefly. The rest circle at a jog and whistle appreciably at the grounded group. Eventually the energy pushes them to their feet again, and off the herd runs. 

Snape finds himself behind Draco and his curiosity and the potion drive him to inquire, "What were you and Potter discussing that made everyone collapse?"

"Oh, we were saying how we both realized we were poofs and loved each other." Draco howls.

"Ah." Severus gets a twinkle in his eye. If he was near a mirror, and not doped up on potion, he probably would be very afraid. "I also have found that I have been suppressing my emotions where you two have been concerned." He tries to maintain a straight face, but cracks up a few seconds after making the pronouncement. 

"Hey, you two, get a room!" Cackles Ron from a short distance away.

"You mean, we three." Draco chortles. "And don't look so innocent, Weasly. You're in this, too!"

"Aw, what about we girls?" Chorus all females in hearing range. "You guys can't all go out with each other."

"We're not excluding you." Giggle the boys.

The Griffindor Quidditch team swoops low over the group. They have run full around the castle and are back to the field. "Duck!" squeals someone, and everybody dives onto each other. "Quack, quack!" Shouts somebody, and sets everyone off in guffaws. 

"Harry!" comes a call from above. "What are you doing? We have practice now."

"Mr. Potter is engaged in a potions assignment. You will have to make do without him." Snickers the professor.

"P-professor Snape?" comes the incredulous reply.

Waves of giggles sweep the group. "You should see your face!" gasps Snape. The mass on the ground begins to twitch again. As one, the class leaps to their feet and chase after the seriously disturbed Griffindor team.


	6. Hysteria with Voldemort

Almost a full 24 hours pass before the class calms down enough to resume normal activities. After seven hours and their double Herbology class together, the twitching and the giggles have finally gone. 

Snape, on the other hand, is still laughing periodically, as well as jerking at varying intervals. The main part of the goo is sealed in a large vat until such a time as Snape feels he can study it without convulsively knocking something over.

As a consequence of the extended time in each other's presence, all animosity previously between the two houses has died a happy, giggly death. Not that anyone of the group is willing to admit this fact.

"I can't believe I had to spend that much time with you, Potter!" Malfoy heads his house in attempting to re-establish some sort of hostility. The effect of the words are somewhat spoiled by the giant grin on his face. He blames it on the potion, but in reality, it has not been governing his facial expressions for 45 minutes. The only lingering effect seems to be energy and banishment of fatigue.

"I got an overdose of slime, and I'm not talking about the potion." Harry replies, earning a few chuckles. And a few coughs from the opposing house. They aren't laughing, really.

"We should have used the time for target practice. You all were so indisposed you wouldn't have been able to counterattack." Malfoy muses. The mental image makes him laugh.

"Hah! You were just as indisposed." Harry chuckles back.

"We should have used Snape then!" Draco roars. The whole group shares the memory of the daunting professor wiggling on the ground, cracking up, covered in neon green goo and laughing hysterically. 

"I don't know, Draco. Just imagine him laughing bubbles…" Harry chuckles.

"Or slugs!" Ron adds with a giggle. That sets them all off. It's the potion. It's very strong. Very.

*   *   *

I finally got back to sleep after being awake for 34 hours straight. Strangely enough, I hadn't felt tired until then. Good thing it is the weekend. I crash on my bed and fall right to sleep. I am surrounded by laughter. I look around to the strange sight of Griffindors and Slytherins leaning on each other to keep from falling over. I see Snape walking over to the group. Suspiciously, random bits of him are twitching and a huge grin splits his face. It is a little disturbing.

"What are you all laughing about? That potion has worn off for anyone who didn't actually ingest it." Snape says with a big smile. I'm lost. Snape grinning like Lockhart? What kind of potion is he talking about?

"Better out than in!" Hermione gasps. Ron and Harry crack up, setting the rest off. They all collapse onto the floor. Snape starts to giggle slightly as well.

Snape gathers himself. "Neville was found in the dungeons."

"Was he okay?" ask a few Griffindors.

Snape looks puzzled. "He was sleeping. I have no idea of neither how he got where he did, nor why he is unaffected by the potion. If anything, the symptoms are reverse, he seems to have amnesia."

A collective "Huh." Comes from the group on the floor. I can't stand it. I need to know what is going on.

"What potion was this?" All heads whirl to where I hover in the corner.

"You!" Snape growls. His face refuses to cooperate, however, and he continues to grin. "You made that potion, didn't you?"

"What, that green Pepper Up potion?" I ask uneasily.

"Yes." Snape says shortly. "I had wondered where Mr. Longbottom had suddenly gotten the expertise to brew the potion, albeit strangely, and to know the disastrous consequences of adding that time of wood to the mix." He laughs.

"Well, I think I would have had it if you hadn't startled me so." I reply, floating down to the floor. My feet hit the cool stone and take my weight. I look up at the mirthful Potions Master and down at the mass of students sitting in each other's laps. They have not bothered to get up yet. "The guts were just to help with the smoothness of the texture for when I added some more manticore hairs…" I trail off looking at a Slytherin boy helping Hermione to tame her hair from where it had escaped her tie.

Snape looks thoughtful around the giant grin he can't seem to get rid of. "Do you, by chance, remember what you did?"

"Of course." I say absently, watching fascinated as he shifts his weight to allow for the spasms of his leg. I rattle off my procedure. I hadn't thought it possible, but his grin gets wider. He dashes off giggling. I follow him with my eyes until he disappears around a corner. I turn back to the group on the floor. They look disinclined toward movement. "How long has it been since you were hit with the potion?"

"About 30 some hours." the group yawns.

"Ah." That was about as long as it took me before I crashed. Already some of them are asleep. Ron looks so cute curled up in the lap of a half-asleep Draco. Others are using whoever is closest as a pillow. I shake my head and summon a giant mattress under them. "Sweet dreams." I wake up with a smile on my lips.

*   *   *

"Should I get them back to their rooms?" McGonagall asks.

"I think they will be just fine right there. Someone has already provided a proper sleeping platform." Minerva gives the Headmaster a look. He turns the twinkles up and continues. "This is a good bonding experience. A culmination of their experiences." He waves his wand and puts up a 'Do Not Disturb' sign at each of the four entrances to the little foyer. "Sweet dreams." Dumbledore murmurs. 

*   *   *

The Mass awakens slowly and reluctantly. "That was the best sleep I ever had." Sighs Ron from Draco's lap.

"That's because your family is too poor to afford such quality." Draco states with a regal wave of his hand.

"Truly nothing is a better pillow than a personal Pureblood." Ron snickers.

A curse is thrown, followed by a hex, chased by a general brawl. Unlike previous clashes between the two houses, however, this one is accompanied by laughter and consists of tickling.

*   *   *

I am in a forest. A dark and spooky forest. With gnarled trees and Spanish moss! It looks utterly cool. I look down into a circle of robed and masked men. Well, it had to happen sooner or later, me following Snape around and everything. I look for a figure that is not robed… for everyone would know Voldemort. No point in hiding his identity. And I find him glaring, or looking I suppose, with red eyes in a reptilian visage. 

As I had suspected, he isn't ugly. "Awww! Lil' Voldie is so pwecious with his all glowey eyeses and snakey wakey noses!" A circle of heads snaps around to look at me. Oops. Didn't mean to say that out loud. Oh well. Nice reactions…

"What did you say!?" Voldie snaps just as Snape bursts out laughing. "Silence!" He addresses the giggling Death Eater.

"Sorry, master. The potion was very potent."

"And useless. Is this maniac the one who dosed you?"

"Yes, master." Snape chuckles.

Voldemort whips his wand out to point at me as he whispers "_Crucio." I feel a vague tickling which begins to accelerate toward an itch. Snape as reduced his mirth to frantically suppressed snorts. Voldemort makes a head motion and __Crucio's Severus. He starts to scream, with an interesting mingling of happy sounds. The itching has started to feel like pins and needles like when one's leg is coming back from being asleep. I try to float over to Snape, but the pins and needles have proceeded to a point where moving makes it hurt. With a grunt I drop from the air. "Who are you?" He hisses. I look up at him. He looks perhaps less cute, now._

"I always say it takes the kind of person who thinks a wax worm is cute to enjoy working at a zoo…"

"What are you talking about?" Voldemort has the nastiest voice without ever raising it. I envy him so much.

"I think the pain is messing with my head. You being cute and all…" I trail off. I'm beginning to fear that opening my mouth will result in screaming. Voldemort deepens his glare. The _Crucio_ strengthens. My head falls to the ground with a thump. I feel like my uterus fell asleep during that certain time of the month. Except that it is not localized. But I'm dreaming. Pain in dreams is an illusion. My mind is the ultimate vehicle here, which being confirmed by the spell's properties should mean that… the pain is all in my mind. 

If I hadn't been on the ground I would have staggered at the suddenness of the relief. Snape is standing in the circle again. I blink up at the Dark Lord. Judging by his annoyed expression, he has realized that the spell is no longer affecting me.

"My Lord, may I then research this potion?" Severus asks. His apparent practice at recovering from the _Crucio_ has him now mostly unruffled. His lopsided grin might have helped, and certainly reminded him about the potion. Of course, I'm not entirely sure if he ever thinks of anything else. Either way, perhaps he should have waited to ask, seeing as I just resisted Voldie's spell. Eh, I haven't been the Death Eater either.

"It is useless. It makes people happy. And friendly." Voldemort looks disgusted. I can't say that I blame him. Overdose of happiness can be quite annoying. Speaking of which, I hope the potion runs its course in Sev soon. He is beginning to grate on my nerves as well.

"If I could find a way to reverse the effects…" Does Voldemort not notice himself being baited? I suppose he doesn't have any children.

A gleam comes to his eye. "Yesss. You will do that, Severuss." I jump into the air, so to speak. I am about to tell him off, though which him I am still uncertain, when a casual wave and a whispered "_Avada__ Kadavra" send me off._

I land on my rump in clouds. Hard clouds, if there is such a thing. I stand, rubbing my tender rear and grumbling. I find that I am in front of a large Minotaur, hooves on hips. "Oh, hi!" I say cheerfully. I know him well.

"We've told you once; we've told you an infinite number of times! Die in your own dimension or don't bother coming back here!"

"Right. Sorry. You're so fluffy and oxy, though." His bull eyes roll, not threateningly, but more in disgust. He lowers his head and boots me out. I wake in my bed with a full-body tensing, like when you wake from falling in a dream. Had I been falling? Very strange dream. I rub my arm, trying to make residual pain go away.


	7. The Rise of Deritine

*   *   *

Deritine is flung back out of nice warm mental nest. It takes him a while to realize it as the loss leaves him quite dazed. Nothing seems to stop his movement, as he passes completely through trees, mountains, and a startled flock of birds. _Why am I not inside? Passing through the stratosphere Deritine comes upon an epiphany. Gravity. With that he begins to fall. _

In the long minutes of his descent to the ground, Deritine contemplates. The _Avada__ Kadavra seems to have dislocated him from his host's mind. Then, when she died in a dream, he was born? Why then had this not happened before? She had died many times in other dreamings. Perhaps the pain before is the answer. In the pain was a grounding, in the grounding an acceptance of the reality, in the reality a possibility for death. But as she can not die in dreams, Deritine was somehow left behind. __I do not like life of my own; this is why I was in her. So this leaves the objective: return to the host mind before he accepts too fully the separate self and thus cannot return. _

With that, Deritine smashes into the ground.

*   *   *

I am experiencing a new phenomenon. I am finding it very hard to fall asleep. Likely this is mostly due to the fact that last time I did sleep I experienced the worst pain I never want to feel again. I've never before felt anything but vague pain in my dreams, which usually have senses sporadically working or not as they see fit. It has been a long forty two hours, eleven minutes and sixteen seventeen eighteen seconds. It's no good. I can't concentrate on studying without sleeping. I grab my ninth Starbucks Frappuchino. They are starting to lose their effectiveness. I yawn and twitch and return my abysmal attention to the Calculus notebook in my lap.

*   *   *

Deritine comes to the edge of a large lake. Across it he can see Hogwarts Castle. _Thank the gods! Soon I will be home. It is getting to be too late… He winces as his neglected paw pads protest against the rocky slope to the lake. It is too much effort to float. Convenient, perhaps for short distances, but when trying to search the planet the continual corrections for such annoyances as the curve and rotation of the Earth make it easier to just walk. Deritine sets out in the water, expanding his aura of noxious mental and physical odors. His long hair eases out of its mats during the long swim, releasing its long beige and brown silkiness to float around him in the water. _

He drags himself out of the water, giving no thought to the fact that his hair could use a little more time in the water, this time accompanied with a bar of soap. Or two. And maybe a personal groomer to help out. He is set on finding his host and getting back in her skull where such considerations as his severely emaciated body and filthy fur have no place. He makes it into Hogwarts and proceeds directly to the dungeons, bypassing the students and teachers. He finds Snape's room and uses the last dregs of energy to pass through the wall. He drags himself over to the nearest couch and flops onto it panting. Guaranteed his host or her fixation will soon be coming. If his host, all well and good. If her fixation, well, he'll just have to follow Snape around until she shows up.

*   *   *

Snape enters his rooms and shuts and seals the door. He gets not two feet within the room before he notices the large and very muddy canine making good use of his couch. He favorite couch, the orange corduroy one. He winces as the mutt starts running in his sleep, rubbing dirt deeper into the plush cushions. He stalks over to the hapless prone Deritine and glares down. "I can not stand this any longer. Children are beginning to get ideas from this irritating sprite. Obviously, even though she is gone I cannot rid myself of her influence." He pokes the soggy dog with his wand.

Deritine yawns hugely, displaying his wolf-like teeth and long pink tongue. Snape grabs his jaw forcibly and peels back the upper lip. Deritine comes muzzily awake with a tired growl. Severus presses one long finger to the long gums, watching as the white color holds content dominion over the pale pink gums. Picking Deritine up by the scruff, he lifts the too-light wolf off the couch and onto a reed matt on the floor. Deritine growls in protest, but does nothing else. Snape uses a quick cleaning charm on the couch, but the stains persist. He glares at the half-asleep mutt. "Look what you have done! It will require the work of many house-elves and my strongest potion to get those stains out. I suppose a useless cur such as yourself cannot appreciate the aesthetic value of a couch the exact color of the first potion I ever brewed successfully, but respect for other people's property is a trait you could do well to exercise!"

"Sheesh. Calm down, I thought you wouldn't mind. It's a pretty ratty couch. And besides, it's the lowest thing to the ground around here."

Snape stops for a split second to consider the new development. "Why, pray tell have you taken such abysmal care of yourself then dragged your sorry hide to my home?"

Deritine raises his head wearily and eyes Snape. "Ah, you are her fixation, then. Good." He flops back to the matt.

"What are you mumbling about? And what is a fixation?" Snape thinks furiously. "And you didn't answer my question."

"Soon it won't matter anymore, just tell me when she gets here."

"Who?" Snape demands. It seems he will get no more answer. "Aimry?"

Deritine tries to jump to his feet but fails miserably. Think goldfish. No, not the snack. "Where!" 

"Let me guess, Deritine."

"That's me. Where's Aimry?"

"Not here. She hasn't been for some time. Not since she got conveniently killed by He Who Must Not Be Named."

"He Who Must Not Be Named? Seriously Sev, you can call him by his name, even his made up one." Deritine feels there is a lack of enjoyment in the twitching countenance of the Potion Master without his host and her fixation. Granted, he still looks utterly amusing, but it lacks a certain… obsessive humor. "She didn't die, anyway. How do you think I got here? Not by choice, let me assure you. I hate being corporate." Snape levels his wand at Deritine. "Hey now, don't be hasty!!" That seeming to be the last straw, Snape unleashes a cleaning spell on Deritine's poor hide. It is decidedly less gentle than the one employed for the couch. Dirt and grime removed, a large lanky wolf-like dog is revealed. A smarting, pissed off dog. Deritine bares his teeth, showing white-pink gums, brown and tan hair rising off his back and giving his skeletal body a more intimidating stature. He has managed to stand up and is crouching in readiness to spring. "You git! I'll show you how not to treat large animals! I think that you could use a little of that spell on your own disgusting head!"

"You diserved every pulled hair for tramping in here like it is your own personal bathing room. Did you expect me to be happy to see some mangy hybrid talking to me like I'm some sort of demented dream vision?"

"Oh, I'll show you visions. These here teeth will be guiding you to your next life in about four seconds! Wizened bat, I'll rip your throat out!" Deritine pounces as Severus casts _Petrificus__ Totalis!_

A stiff Deritine knocks a bleeding Snape onto hard stone flagstone. Snape brings his fingers up to his neck, feeling the slow trickle of blood. "That's it. Dumbledore can deal with this. I refuse to deal with this immature charade any longer." With that he casts _Mobilus__ Corpus and floats Deritine's ragged form up to the headmaster's office._

*   *   *

 Dumbledore looks up as Snape enters and his eyes widen imperceptibly when he sees the dog form following him in mid-air. "Why, thank you Severus, but I already have a familiar. You can keep that one for yourself."

"This is Deritine." Snape growls, pushing the unmoving dog toward the headmaster. "Deal with him." With that, Snape pivots succinctly on one heal and stalks out the door.

"My, he does have a temper, doesn't he? Though, I must say, you probably deserved it at least a little bit judging from the blood on his neck. _Finitum_ Incantatum._" With that Deritine drops to the floor with the grace of a new-born giraffe. Deritine gets shakily to his feet. Dumbledore takes in his too skinny frame and his shaky posture and summons a house-elf. "Get this dog a meal, won't you? And some of that new potion of Severus' as well." The house-elf disappears to get the requested items. "Hang tight there, my friend. Food will be coming soon." Fawkes looks down at the scraggly Deritine and coos a haunting melody, sorry that there are no open wounds that he could heal._

*   *   *

 I cannot stay awake any longer. But really, what do I have to fear? Sure it hurt a lot, but that doesn't mean anything. I mean, it was a dream. And I got it to stop after all. And I've died plenty of times in dreams before this. No big deal, really.

Somewhere between the different strategies I attempted to convince myself, I fell to sleep. I only know this because the end of my train of thought is interrupted by a dark form crashing into mine. No need to ask who that is. I quickly check my surroundings. Hogwarts, good. However, the pain in my bum, not so good. "Hi, honey, guess I can't get away from you." I look up at a new expression. Does Snape look- panicked? Perhaps it is more fatal depression. Or maybe incredulity? Either way, he looks very strange indeed. Under normal circumstances, I might have been amused, but as it is… "Why am I still tired? Aren't you supposed to feel better when you go to sleep?" Snape does not reply, but rather picks himself up and turns right back the way he had come. I float after him wobbily,  attempting to keep up but quickly lagging behind. I put on a burst of float to get myself up to him and hang onto a shoulder. I float along in his wake until my body begins to drag. I can't remember ever feeling this tired. I went to sleep, I'm not still awake! I drape myself over Sev's shoulders. He does not comment. I mumble confusedly at this lack of confusion before falling deeply asleep.


	8. Familiar Disappearance

"Severus, what are you…" Dumbledore stops as he sees me sleeping on Snape's bony shoulders. Only the fact that I seem to be completely exhausted is allowing me unconsciousness on a bed better used as a torture device. Or, more often used as a torture device. "Is that Aimry?" At this Deritine whips around from his studious ignoring of Snape and all things Snape-like and his half-hearted conversation with Fawkes. (In Phoenix, of course). 

"Aimry! I have been waiting for… oh no." Deritine connects with my sleeping form mid-air as Snape throws me into Deritine's path. He has no intention of having a re-match with a much perkier pseudo-wolf. Deritine licks frantically at my face, even nipping gently to speed my return to the land of the waking.

"Fluff Muffin?" I ask, dazed.

"Yes, it's me, Deritine. You remember Deritine, don't you?"

"Of course I remember you slobber machine. But I've never felt you in reality before."

"Well, technically, this isn't reality."

"What are you talking about?" I am growing irritated. "I just woke up. Look, I'm in my pajama's and they're all twisted up and I feel like my eyes are glued together and Snape is standing right there. How is this not reality?"

"Now, let's go back and review what you just said."

"Okay..."

"Why would Snape be in the waking world?"

"For about as much reason as you would be…" I trail off. "Why did I just wake up in a dream?"

"I have no idea. But it can't be good."

"And where did Snape go?" I feel a funny feeling, like I'm disappearing. I just catch the tail end of a black robe before it disappears from view. Not with my hand however. Snape walks backwards one tortuous step at a time. 

As slow as his forced walk is, the gravelly irritation of his voice sends shivers down my spine. "Why must you insist on torturing me? You have Dumbledore and that mangy mutt to keep you company."

"Because, you fool, you're her fixation. She's not established fully yet and as such will disappear if you leave her sight." Deritine growls.

"And why is this a bad thing?" Snape growls back.

"First I need to jump back in her head or else you get to keep me company for however long it takes for the next appearance. If it ever happens, that is."

"Why are you two talking over my head?" I ask.

"Perhaps if I hit you with a killing curse that will get you out of my sight." Severus and Deritine are having a staring contest that has no room for the main source of their disagreement. I float back, finding it near impossible at first, but increasingly easy as I back away from the two males and head over to Dumbledore's desk. 

"Hello Dumbledore." I say, ignoring the growls.

"Hello." He replies pleasantly. "Aimry, I take it."

"Yes, pleased to meet you." He takes my hand and we shake briefly.

"So, what was Deritine saying, then?" He asks mildly. "Lemon-drop?"

"Ooo! Candy!" I take one and pop it into my mouth. Very very good. As wizard candy from Dumbledore has every right to be. It is also obviously laced as I feel myself relax. "You can't hear Deritine? He's speaking quite loudly."

"That, my dear, is not the issue." He pensively sucks on his own lemon drop. "I can hear him just fine, I just can't understand him."

"Than why can I? Or Sev for that matter."

"Severus," he corrects me "seems to have a connection to you. And I believe Deritine is your familiar?"

"Errr… I guess you could call him that." In a way…perhaps…if you did some logical fiddlings…

"Well, a wizard or witch can understand their familiars. To everyone else they are just making noises. The wizard or witch hears more than that."

"Do they hear full sentences liberally laced with insults?" I ask as Deritine delivers another such in the direction of my 'fixation'.

"Not usually." Dumbledore strokes his beard. "But then, you are a very special case." He sucks and strokes liberally. My lip twitches reflexively. Heh. Heh. Ewwwww.

"Well, as long as they are keeping each other occupied, there will be no jumping into my skull nor disappearing of my body."

"Perhaps." Dumbledore replies cryptically. A second later Deritine leaps at my head, which is at the moment faced away from him. He crashes into my skull, toppling me forward onto Fawkes who lets out an enraged squawk and a gout of flame, singing the both of us in a very uncomfortable way. 

"Deritine! What the flock are you doing?" I rub the back of my head gingerly, encountering a large lump and some gashes from his teeth.

"Ih donn nowh." He replies, putting his nose between his paws. "Bhut iht hurt lihk Helce." 

"Professor Snape, if you would escort the young lady and her familiar to the infirmary I will arrange for there to be somewhere for her to sleep." Dumbledore says.

"Sleep? But I'm still dreaming, aren't I?"

"Knoh." Deritine snorts something out of his nose and straightens it with a crunch making me wince, Snape smirk and Dumbledore twinkle. "That is why I was so upset when you were asleep. If you are asleep here, than you will wake up here and therefore be awake here and dreaming in the 'real' world."

I blink. "So… I'm in a coma?"

"What? No, you're awake."

"No I mean back where my body is."

"Hmmm. Good question. Maybe that's why I can't jump back in your head, if your mind is here but not your body… Hey, where are you going?" I feel funny, I feel like I'm fainting. The color is leaching out of my vision and static roars to fill what Deritine is saying. Everything fades to white and then slowly rematerializes.

"Uhhhghhmuff." I groan, clenching my stomach. "Wha-" I look around. Still in Hogwarts, far as I can tell. Normal enough hallway. Normal enough Snape walking away from me. He disappears around a corner as I look around some more, seeking hints as to where I have gotten myself to. Not to far from Dumbledore's office, I should think, seeing as Sev was just there. Unless there was a time warp, too. The color starts leeching from my vision again. "Wait!"

I must be pretty green by this point. Obviously this teleportation system needs a little bit of tweaking. Star Trek never made it look painful. Baring those episodes with malfunctions in them… I pat myself down. Everything is where it should be. Up ahead Severus turns another corner. At least we have some consistency, here. Hmm, I see Sev then he disappears. Then I disappear… Perhaps… I get transported again.

I really am about to puke now. "Sev, wait." I gasp out. He ignores me. My stomach seems to be distracting me too much to get him to stop moving. I stumble after him, barely keeping the bastard in sight as he moves faster and faster down the hallways. I loose him a couple of times where I can't see which direction he's going in, but I can feel a certain directionality to the nausea, and so keep up with his seemingly intentional attempts to get away from me. Not that that would be an illogical thing for him to do, but at the moment it seems impossible.

I hear an irregular thumping behind me. Deritine skids past me in an attempt to stop. "Hey, what happened? You kind of faded out like the desktop on Windows XP when it's shutting down. All your color went then you fizzled out. Weird."

"I'm not sure but it seems to be if I can't keep that fruity bat in my sights I go to where he is."

"Huh. Well, he is your fixation."

"Why do you keep calling him that? What does it mean?"

"He's what drew you here. I always said that it was an unhealthy obsession with a book character. Now look what happened. Your friends said so, too."

"Hump. I am not the most obsessive fan girl out there."

"But you are, perhaps, the only one with vivid dreams and a bunch of freeloaders in your skull."

"What do you mean 'a bunch?'" I glare at him, missing Snape's latest turn. "Crap, I lost him." I feel the sickening fade. Off to the left, then. "There he is." I see him now, going down a nice, long hallway. I look speculatively at Deritine. "Make yourself bigger so I can ride you. Obviously I'm not fast enough to keep up with racing stilts."

"I can't make myself bigger! I'm a size and that's that."

"If you want to merge with my skull you're going to have to do better than that."

"We're in a real world now, you're not dreaming anymore."

"No reason for the rules to change now is it?"

"Then why don't you just float at him?" 

I pause. "Good point." I step off the ground and float after the retreating potions master. "No good." I say. Sev is steadily gaining. Apparently I have a slow float. "You. Grow. Now." I point at Deritine. He starts to fill out then expand from large-wolf-size to small-horse-size. "There we go." I hop on his back. I have to crouch low in order to miss the ceiling.

"Oh, great. I can run like this. There's not enough room in the hallway!"

"Another good point. Well, I guess we both have to shrink then." Deritine gets back to his original size and I become correspondingly smaller. "Great, now hurry up, I'm starting to fade again."

Running, Deritine calls back, "You know, your voice got a lot lower. I wonder why that would be."

"I don't know." I rumble back. "It is strange, though."

"It's probably Sirani." Deritine muses as he pounds after an undignified running Snape. "She is fond of playing tricks."

"Who?"

"If you want to meet her, just get Voldemort to kill you again. Or maybe Snape. He seems pretty ticked off."

"No, I will not get the killing curse leveled at me again, thank you."

"If you can help it." Deritine stops. "Hmm. His scent just ends. Where did he go?" He smells at the ground worriedly.

"Probably through that door." 

"What door?"

I hop off his back and go over to open it. "This door." I reach up for the handle and can't reach it. Deritine bursts out laughing. "What? It's not funny. I shrunk myself remember?" The door opens inward and a woman in a nurse's outfit comes into the corridor.

"Hello, big fella. Where is the girl Professor Snape was leading here?" She isn't going to get an answer from that howling ball of fur. She looks around the hallway.

"Down here." I say, tugging her dress.

"I beg your pardon, Sir Dwarf. I didn't see you." Dwarf? "Are you hurt?"

I look down. I'm round. It's the only way to say it. I can't see my feet. "Ieeee!" I feel my face…and my beard. I shoot back up to my proper height with dizzying speed. Poppy jumps back with a scream of her own, directly into Snape, who had come over for some reason. Possibly a twisted one. "Hey, Sevvie. You were supposed to guide me, not turn it into a near-impossible mini-game." He doesn't reply, just brushes himself off of Pomfrey and walks back into the infirmary. 

Poppy gamely starts a conversation. "You were injured? Dumbledore came and told me about it. A head wound?"

"Wait, Dumbledore got here already? It took us like five minutes."

"Yes, well Professor Snape did take a bit of a detour."

"Slimy bastard. He needs reflective gear if he's gonna pull a stunt like that." I hear a chuckle coming from inside. Pomfrey winces as an enthusiastic _Incendio melts an innocent Day-Glo orange vest with reflective strips. Deritine looks around the two of us in interest. "Er… yes, I did get hit on the head, right in the back here, I…" I stop as I feel the back of my head. Nothing. Neither a scratch nor a bump. "Hunh. It's gone. He needs a look at his nose, though." I point to Deritine.  _

"Oh, my, yes. He seems to have cracked his nose pretty badly. Come in, come in." Pomfrey shoos the two of us into the room. I sit down on a hospital bed as Deritine gets a quick and somewhat painful fix. Snape is glaring at Dumbledore, who is twinkling madly.

"Aimry, could you, by chance, make me one of those lovely vests?"

"Well, I could try. It was sort of spontaneous." I think Dumbledore would probably look better in a Day-Glo wizard's hat, to be honest. To go with the twinkling. And so he does. Dumbledore takes his new hat off his head to turn it around in admiration. "Well, close enough."

"Wonderful." Dumbledore gives me a conspiratorial wink. I smile at him. Good to know even HP characters enjoy irritating Snape. "I've arranged for a room for you. It's just a few doors down from here. Someone is always on duty in the hospital wing, so you should be fine at night."

"Er… actually, there's a problem with that." I sigh. "That fading thing I did in your office…"

"Yes, I was wondering about that."

"Well, it seems that when I get too far from Sev I pop back up where he is."

"It's like in RPG's when the party NPC's get too far away from the RPC." Deritine adds. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" Snape growls.

"Which, what I said?" Deritine asks.

"I will never be able to comprehend you. You are a shaggy moth-eaten potion ingredient waiting to be diced for a poison."

"Ooo. I'm scared. Still doesn't stop the fact that you wouldn't last a second in a first-person shooter. I would 0\/\/NZ UR 455!"

I turn to Dumbledore, ignoring the two. Seriously, I would have expected more class from Severus. Granted, his insults are more creative and refined. But that doesn't change the fact that he is arguing with a four foot tall dog who no one but myself and he can understand. What it would be to see it from the outside… "Anyway, Dumbledore, obviously if I keep up doing this teleport thing, I can't sleep here. That's too far from the dungeons."

"What seems to be the distance?"

"Well, it's more like if he's out of sight. I'm sure if we were outside then I would be fine for a long distance. In the twisty corridors it is very short distances."

"I see. Well, that seems to be a natural extension of your dream sequences, is it not? You always appeared where Professor Snape was, correct?"

"Yea, you're right. But I could go places without him. I mean, one time I ended up being with Neville. And another time he left but I stayed behind."

"An interesting conundrum. I guess that means you will have to stay in Severus's rooms, then." _Petrificus Totalus!_ I turn around to see Snape with his wand pointing at a (frozen) snarling Deritine.

"Do you think I could get a wand?" I ask. Deritine probably deserved it. Again.

"Perhaps." Dumbledore looks bemusedly upon my petrified subconscious. "Severus, while you were battling your familiar, we have come to the conclusion that Aimry must sleep in your chambers."

"Why must I put up with this irritation whose sole manifesting desire is to cause me pain? Not to mention her pet who has repeatedly demonstrated a need to end my life."

"Well, you don't really have to put up with Deritine, but if I tried to sleep in a different room, or in fact _be in a different room from you, I would soon find myself right beside you anyway. Like Deritine was saying, it's like you are a main character that I must follow around for some reason."_

Snape looks at me with a hate so full I am duly impressed. It will be an interesting night.

*   *   *

Through experimentation and a few Technicolor yawns, the exact farthest distance was determined that I could be from Severus. This is the place where he ordered my bed put. The conjured four-poster is furnished in black and purple, nice and fluffy with enough bedding to keep out the dungeon chill. I rather enjoy the chill, though. I like sleeping cool. Snape has refused to say anything to me. I decide that I will not press the issue seeing as he looks ready to hex me and I can no longer escape to wakefulness. He still is the most amusing angry man I have ever encountered, though. Deritine refused to leave me alone with 'the demon' and Snape refused to let Deritine in the room, so a compromise of Deritine-as-petrified-statue was reached. Or rather, Snape petrified Deritine again and nobody was around to cast the counter-curse. 

  "Don't worry, Deritine." I say, patting his snarling, frozen head. "I'll get Dumbledore to unfreeze you in the morning."

Snape turns his back to me by rolling over in the bed. With a mumbled spell and a point of the wand the room dims to darkness.

*   *   *

This bed really is comfortable. I have never felt so content before. Except perhaps after Thanksgiving that one time when I fell asleep with my dog on that pile of pillows and mattresses that we were organizing for the guests… There is the same encompassing fluffy softness, the same feeling that nothing in the world could be more right, and the same warmth by my side telling me that I need not worry about the outside world. Wait… I didn't fall asleep with anyone… Deritine must have un-petrified himself somehow. Wouldn't put it past him. I mean, he sprung from my head, after all. 

I drift in that place between being fully asleep and not quite asleep. I vaguely come to realize that the warmth does not have fur. Well, not thick doggy fur anyways. All mammals have fur of course, that being in the definition. But unless Deritine has learned how to un-petrify himself and then turn into a human (not so likely), then I am not in the bed I thought I was. My eyes flat out refuse to open; they are not ready to wake up yet. They also are in a state of denial. I feel the cloth under my hand and it is familiar. Familiar like a certain grey nightie I have had the pleasure of meeting before.

I am in bed with Severus. Again.

Perhaps if I ease out very slowly I will be able to get back to my bed without waking him. But to do that would require opening my eyes. And stepping out into the cold. And giving up the nice warm soft fuzziness. (Though, granted, I'm not feeling as perfectly contented as I was before.) But why shouldn't I be? It's not my fault. I note that my left wrist to which my watch is attached is right by my face. I bite the Indiglo button and open one eye to read the green digital time. 4:23 AM. Alright, that settles that, I am just going to go back to sleep. I know nothing. I snuggle down alongside the soft warm form of Sev. He subconsciously shifts positions to better aid the warm fuzzy feeling. Thank all the gods he's not awake yet. Our breathing matching automatically, I fall back to sleep.

*   *   *

  I awaken right before hitting the floor after my leg connected with an uncompromising bed post. I bounce off the floor and forget to come back down to the floor. I float over the cold stone trying to remember why this situation would make sense. Oh riiiight. That would also explain the yelling. I float to a more upright position and yawn as I look at Snape.

"Must you exist to torment me? What have I done to you? I can't even get a decent night's sleep without this intrusion on my privacy. You… you…" Here he starts to just shake and grind his teeth. If eyes could glow and ears could steam….

"It's not intentional, really. I mean, maybe subconsciously, but who can be expected to control that?"

"What do you think magic is? How do you think it works? Through smell?!? I have a highly trained subconscious! It does nothing without my permission!" He looks like he might just cast a spell on me, wand or no wand. I'm not so sure that his subconscious is under that tight control.

"I don't know… there's no magic where I'm from…"

"And yet you sit there in mid-air and offer these pitiful excuses..." He seems to decide that glaring like a dementor is in his skull will suffice from that point. He may well be correct.

"You… you're just, I mean, you were my favorite Harry Potter character is all…"

"HARRY POTTER CHARACTER! I will not be associated with that spawn of evil! You will leave at once if I have to cast the killing curse on you!" Okay, not funny anymore. Do I have more critters living in my head?

"I'm sorry, that's just what they are called, I mean, he's a pretty pivotal character, and you must admit that the dramatic tensions in his storyline are…" I decide that silence might be better at this point, especially seeing as how Snape is feeling behind him for his wand while staring at me with intensity beyond hate. I float backwards very slowly. I really want to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. With a sickening lurch, I am.

*   *   *

I land on top of a gold and maroon bed with a small thud, too surprised to forget gravity. The bed, however, is occupied. A tousled black haired head pushes back the covers as a hand gropes for glasses. "Ron?" Harry asks.

"Er… no." I feel a certain relief and sadness to note that Severus is apparently not the only person I can leap to. Harry gets his glasses on and looks up at me in confusion.

"Who are you?"

"Um… my name is Aimry. Hi." I float up and extent my hand down for him to shake. He looks puzzled but shakes my hand anyway.

"Aimry… Oh! You graded my paper."

I blink. "Yes, I did." 

"How did you get in here?"

"It's a long story." 

"How are you floating?"

"Part of the long story." Harry shrugs. He up and checks his clock. 5:50 AM

He sighs. "I might as well get up I suppose." He looks up at me. "You hungry?"

"Sure. I don't think I've eaten for a while, but you can never be sure."

He gives me a look while getting his shoes and some clothes on over his pajamas.

"Don't you want to change?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Sorry. I can turn around." I do so and turn back when he says to. "I don't suppose you know how to reverse the _Petrificus Totalus _and want to go sneak into Snape's bedroom?" Harry looks at me like I'm off my rocker. "Ok, I'll take that as a no. Probably a good idea seeing as the mood he's in…"

"Great. I have Double Potions first period."

"Oh, goody."


	9. Invisibility ? Potion

I brandish a delicious breakfast item toward the head table where I am being pointedly ignored. "And it's not like it's my fault you're the most interesting character. I mean, come on, the Severus Snape books just doesn't have the ring. And of course in your case we've got a coming of age narrative with the twists of identity crisis since your parent's died and your godfather got framed." I continue my spiel earnestly. Harry has decided to start ignoring me, too. Quite a few others are listening in, though. And Harry doesn't seem to be tuning me out too well judging on the bright red his face is turning. "She wouldn't have sold one copy if she'd been talking about some slimy kid being picked on by the popular shape shifters. Especially with the ending that got." The juice they serve here must be spiked. Either that or I am allergic to pumpkin juice. "I can't help that I spent the last however long it's been tormenting everyone in the school. You all were just characters in a book to me before last night." I turn to a Griffindor who is looking at me with mixed curiosity and horror. "I mean, I can't be blamed, right? How was I supposed to know dreaming sends me into alternate realities?" I fall backwards to lie in the air, arm flung over my face.

"Potter. Weasel. Mudblood."

"Malfoy." The three reply.

"I see you've found that person Professor Snape was being haunted by." 

"That would be one way to put it." Harry sighs and pokes at his eggs.

I uncover my head and look at the two boys. "How are you two being friendly?" I look around to Hermione and Ron who are sitting unfazed by the insults. "I mean, back in book 2, wasn't it? Ron got himself spewing slugs for that same insult."

"Well, that was our second year, if that's what you mean." A small smile plays over Draco's lips. "But ever since the neon green pepper-up potion incident I really haven't felt the desire to fight with Griffindor. Pity, seeing as how they are all a bunch of low-brow Muggle loving fools." Chuckles are heard from the Griffindors.

"Just like you Slytherins are back-stabbing snakes, eh Malfoy?" asks one of the Griffindor males. Draco smiles. I think about what they could be talking about. That wasn't in the books… wait, green pepper-up potion.

"Oh, riiight. I remember that now. That potion made me scale my dorm as I remember." Good old denial.

"We were pretty sure you'd brewed it. Neville had such complete memory loss, he obviously hadn't made it. But the teachers didn't tell us anything, naturally." Hermione added. "Anyway, we better get going, don't want to be late for Potions."

"Hmmm, Potions. Then Snape will be in class. I could go sneak in and…"

"What, get me out of there?"

"Deritine!"

"Thanks for the concern and all. Not that you left me with a madman with a wand or anything." Deritine looks a little worse for the wear. Nothing bleeding, though.

"How did you get un-petrified?"

"I think I'm becoming immune. Too many hits, as it were. When Snape left the spell considerably weakened. After a while I was able to wiggle free of it." Deritine looks behind me, or rather through me. "You should probably…" With a lurch and a near expelling of my stomach contents I am in the Potions classroom.

I look up at a very annoyed Snape. "What are you doing in my classroom?" He asks with a snarl.

"I was following Harry, but then I lost sight of him…"

"Get out." He doesn't even bother with the eloquent and beautiful insults. I am insulted.

"I have as much right to be here as anyone."

"If you were enrolled in this school and wearing the proper attire than I might suffer your presence." Oh, good. I thought I'd broken him.

"I am in the proper clothing." I say, and I am. We both look down at my house badge. Slytherin.

"You are not worthy of this house." He informs me. I tap the badge and it turns into a Griffindor lion eating a Slytherin snake. He grabs my badge and rips it off. "You will be gone from my sight this instance." Perhaps he feels elaboration on the first phrase will make my comprehension better.

"I can brew a potion just as well as any of these students." I sweep my hand to include the alternatively terrified, amused and curious Slytherin and Griffindor students.

"You could not brew anything worth using."

"Are you insulting my potion skills? Fine. Test me then."

Snape gets a speculative look. "Brew an invisibility potion and I will consider you worthy of staying in this room."

I hear a gasp from Hermione. Obviously this will be difficult. I think quickly. An invisibility potion? Is there such a thing? "I'm not sure of a recipe for an invisibility potion." I say slowly.

"Then get out of my classroom." Snape's smile is anything but pleasant.

"I didn't say that I gave up, now did I? I think I'll need a glass cauldron. Do you have one?" My return smile isn't nice either.

"Of course." Mental note: Find out gaps in potion supplies for later insults. Snape gives me a glass cauldron and access to the supplies before turning to the entranced students. "What are you all still sitting there for? I have written the potion on the board. You will note that it requires seventy two minutes to brew. You have eighty-six left before the end of class. Begin!"

I tune out the lesson as I think. The glass cauldron is a good bet for starters. It is clear, of course, but also does not react with much of anything, leaving me freedom in my ingredient choices. I take some ingredients down and start to work. I know what principles the invisibility _cloak_ is made on, but something that can be taken by a person… the ingredients used in the cloak are toxic at the levels needed for consumption in a person. I take some eyeballs of cave-fish for starters. Perhaps just making everyone else blind to your presence would work? No…

As I work I feel a warmth along my back. We are between lessons at the moment and so… "Sevvie, dearest. I'm so glad you feel the desire to keep me warm down in this cold dungeon." I turn around to see Snape barely containing the urge to do something he probably wouldn't regret later.

"I am merely checking what you are wasting my valuable ingredients on."

"Oh, don't worry. As long as nobody scares me into dropping volatile and unintentional ingredients into the potion, it should work just fine."

"Your incompetence in using that type of cutting board is unutterable."

"You should have noticed what I had in my hand instead of being blindly intent on scaring that poor boy to death."

"I had no such intention."

"Oh, and stalking around like some massive doom spider is unintentional."

"Longbottom needs to learn how to brew a potion. My methods in giving him that knowledge is my prerogative." With that he stalks off again.

A first-year Hufflepuff/ Ravenclaw class and an advanced double potions later, it is finished. Just in time for lunch. Yum. "Oh, Severus." I say, not bothering to speak up as he is once again acting like a strange kind of distance-cloak radiator. "I have finished." Another class is filing in.

"You all are exceedingly fortunate today." The students pause, half stubbornly attempting to keep the fear from their faces and half smirking. Must be a Griffindor/Slytherin class. "You will get to witness the testing of an advanced potion." Some from each house seem interested. More from Slytherin, though. "Aimry, please take your dose."

Like it was his recipe. Like I hadn't just spent the entire morning figuring out the proportions and basically coming up with it from scratch. "Thank, Sevvie, I'll be sure to get a nice big taste for you." I take a small glass tasting spoon to bring a portion which I have previously measured to be an effective dose. I kick it back quickly, trying not to taste it. The acrid horrible flavor is thus dulled from the taste that I care not to think about. My ingredients had a malicious promise of being very not tasty. I wait for sixteen seconds, which should be enough time, but the hand holding the spoon is still as visible as it has ever been. Well, as visible as it would be if I'm not making myself invisible… I mean… it didn't work.

"Impossible." Sev whispers.

"Well, I don't think it worked then. I'll leave."

"That is so cool! You just disappeared! What potion is that?" a student bursts out. I am confused.

"I can still see myself, though…"

Snape sneers. "You obviously are using your own magics to disguise your potion ineptitude."

"I am doing no such thing! I would know if I was turning invisible on purpose. If you're so concerned, you try it!"

"I will not. You have undoubted brewed some kind of vile joke potion."

"Well, how else are you going to test it? Give it to one of the students?" I gesture with the spoon and create a wave of cringing. "They didn't brew it. What kind of potions professor are you anyway."

Deritine bursts into the room and skids to a halt right before a pair of tardy Griffindors. "When will you just walk somewhere? Seriously! I must have just been all over the castle. And did you know that the staircases aren't the only things that move? I finally found those two to follow. It's really irritating when there are only two people in the entire world who can understand what you're saying. So, what'd I miss? I heard something about Sevvie-kins being a chicken again." He smirks at Sev who is now fuming and reaching for his wand.

"How did you break the _Petrificus Totalus?!?" He snarls and casts._

Deritine dodges. "Oh, you're way behind the times old man. I've been free of that since breakfast."

"There is no chance that I will allow you to remain in this classroom." Severus takes a couple (very menacing) steps forward.

Deritine dances sideways, a huge wolf grin on his muzzle. "How about this? I bet you that Aimry's potion will turn you clear as crystal. If it does I have run of the castle, your space or not. If it makes you sprout tentacles or some-such I will stay out of your sight permanently."

"That incompetent could not brew anything at all."

"So what's your problem?" Deritine starts making chicken noises, which sound very interesting coming from a large German shepherd colored wolf. Snape might not completely understand the American Mugglism, but the point is well taken. He snatches the spoon from my hand. To my eyes he snatches it _through my hand. I begin to have doubts. I don't have time to voice those doubts before Snape has downed a dose of my invisibility (?) potion. To my eyes the only difference is that all the sudden the spoon drops right through his hand._

"Is he invisible?" I ask.

"Yea, can't you tell?" replies Deritine.

"What have you done to me?" Snape asks as he runs his hand through the desk and cauldron.

"I actually was just noticing that as you grabbed the spoon through my hand. Can you see me?"

"Yes." He growls.

"That's good to know."

"What did you brew that we can pass through solid material?" He grates out.

"I was trying to switch the wavelength we react to, that way it would make us 'invisible' but it seems I changed the makeup of our bodies entirely. Interesting."

"This is not interesting. How will we brew the antidote in this condition?"

"Oh, calm down. I was holding the spoon a bit ago. It's probably like in Ghost and you have to concentrate or something."

"Ghost?!? Did you kill me you incompetent?" If I'm not mistaken, he is becoming perhaps a bit panicky. I poke his arm.

"We can hit each other, see? It's just a phase shift. You are already concentrating on being solid. If you weren't, you'd fall right through the floor." A comical expression crosses Sev's face. Much like Wile E. Coyote when he realizes that he has run off the edge of the cliff. That's the only warning I get before he drops straight down. I lunge forward just in time to catch his hand which is desperately grasping at the floor that now is refusing to hold him. "Sev. You have to realize that this is all in your mind. If you are really not solid than gravity has no effect on you."

"Well, then you have the problem of spinning right off the earth. And besides, you shifted your mass, you didn't get rid of it."

"Deritine, shut up." Deritine grumbles as I turn back to Snape.

"You can float in mid-air whenever you feel the desire. Who says that's not what you are doing right at this moment?" Snape looks like he might just be panicking. 

"You were standing on the floor not a minute ago you goof."

"I want to see, too." Deritine whines.

"Then stick your head in the potion. If you don't swallow any the effect should be localized." Deritine follows my direction and shakes his head, spraying invisibility all over the room. Gasps and screams flutter through the class as (I assume) various clothes and body parts become invisible. Snape is hyper-ventilating so I take it upon myself to dismiss everyone. "Ok, class dismissed. Don't worry about the invisibility; it should wear off in a couple hours. Just don't stick anything in the holes and you'll be fine." An exodus proceeds. "Deritine, can you hold Snape for a second? Put him on top of me." I am still on my belly from my lunge.

Deritine moves over to take Snape's robes. (Thankfully affected by the potion. That could have become quite amusing.) Snape twists in my grip. "Don't let him near me! He'll drop me!" Snape seems to have regressed to some childhood memory or some such. I flip over onto my back and nod to Deritine, Snape held firmly with his head halfway through the floor. The floor is semi-transparent to look at when I concentrate, making a very odd sight indeed.

"Stop wiggling, you'll make Aimry drop you. I will hold you well, don't worry. I'm not that vindictive. I know how it is." Deritine grabs Snape by the nape of his neck and transfers him to my belly in a smooth movement before Snape can spaz out any more. Snape clings to me life a drowning man a lifeboat, earning a snicker from Deritine. "Oh, you are the brave one."

I wrap my arms around him and rub his back awkwardly. "It's all in your mind. Like Occulmancy."

"You have created a highly dangerous potion. It must be destroyed at once."

"Nonsense. Just think of the medical applications. Well, and the military ones, too." I pause. "Well, just about every medical breakthrough has ways to use it to hurt people. I guess it is in the definition…"

"Stop babbling! We have a serious problem. We need to brew an antidote quickly before we both fall through the floor."

"Nonsense. Even if I was going to fall through the floor I can still float."

"For how long?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure."

Deritine breaks into our technical considerations. "Well, why isn't the pot falling through the floor then?"

I ponder. "I'm not sure. We need to test it out. Fascinating. Perhaps it does not work with glass? Wouldn't it be amusing if we could see ourselves in mirrors?"

"Stop bantering about inconsequential things!" Snape seems to be trembling slightly. I probably wouldn't be able to tell if he wasn't trying to burrow into my chest. Does someone have a fear of heights? A sensible fear. One I will be unlikely to exploit. Sadly, I appear to have morals.

"It shouldn't last that long. Twelve hours at the most."

"But you added ground unicorn hoof. That doubles the length of the effectiveness."

Deritine rolls his eyes. "I'm going to go find Dumbledore or someone else in charge, if the fleeing students haven't gotten someone already."

"How will you get them to follow you? You don't want to spend all day lost in the castle again, do you?"

"Normal people leave scent trails. And normal people can figure out where my head has gone. Only you two can't see my nicely sliced throat." With that he turns and trots out the door. I pat Snape reassuringly. I rather like him better when he is being a prick. I know why I like bad guys better than the whiny heroes.

*   *   *

 "Aha!" I exclaim, half sitting up before Snape pushes me flat again. 

"What." He is now cross again, not shivering. Thank the gods.

"Well, a crucial ingredient in the potion is the moonflower."

"Which the reversal of is dragon tooth." Dumbledore says, rising to retrieve the aforementioned ingredient. We three have been silent for a while now after a long brainstorming session. Thank the gods for inspiration.

"And how are we going to ingest it?" Snape asks sarcastically.

"Good to see you back to your own charming self, Sev."

"I'm sure." Oh, he does not know how sincere I am.

"And you're just going to have to believe."

"Believe in what? Your underwhelming brewing skills?"

"No, the potions." He pauses to consider. Dumbledore comes back with the dragon teeth. "You can probably just swipe it through us."

"I cannot see you." Dumbledore replies reasonably. 

Snape lets his head fall into my shoulder, muttering something seeming to do with 'doom'. Oh, gods, not this again. "Just dip your glasses in the stuff. That should work. Provided the glass doesn't repel the effects…" Dumbledore does so and places his spectacles back on the bridge of his nose. He looks around until he is looking in our direction. "Ow!" I gasp as I cover my eyes. The twinkling is insanely bright. I cannot see, but Dumbledore swipes the dragon claw (tip) through our bodies. I only am aware of this as Snape is suddenly as heavy as he should be and I am suddenly uncomfortable on the floor. I float off of it (with difficulty), Snape adding extra weight and a mental barrier to my unlimited ability to deny that gravity works. Sev clings. I push him off and flip, sending a much panicked professor the few inches to the floor. "Oh, get over it you big baby." I stand up and brush off my butt. I am still in my robes with the torn-off insignia. "You know what; I could really use a bath."

Snape stands up, catlike in his pose that declares that he did not just spend over an hour clinging to anyone, much less me. Well, at least he's not as annoyed with me as he was. And I can now be in this room as much as I feel like, as can Deritine. That potion needs some more testing. Neither of us can look Dumbledore in the eyes.

"Headmaster, would you mind terribly if you ceased the irritating flamboyance with your eyeballs?" Dumbledore tones down the twinkling, but it is still very apparent.

"How were you planning on taking a bath, my dear if you cannot leave Severus' sight?" He asks with a barely contained grin. Since when have I become the source of amusement? He does, however, have a point.

*   *   *

"I'm trusting you here, Snape. Just keep looking in that direction." I choke out.

"Don't worry, Aimry, I got him covered." Deritine does not disguise the drool coming from his mouth. Disgusting.

"I have no desire to turn around."

"Good." Deritine and I chorus. I disappear my clothing and jump into the bubbly water. Soon I am scrubbing with a vengeance. It has been a while and a dirty floor or two since I got to get clean. Plus, it's been years since I've had a bath. And never have I bathed in such a massively impressive swimming pool tub. Clean at last I shake vigorously and towel off. I put on the clothing that was left for me and feel massively better. I run and Matrix-jump over the pool, landing beside Deritine. I pick him up and heave him into the bubbly water, too. He flies into the suds with a yelp. I look up to a Severus with a vindictive smile teasing the corners of his mouth. 

"He was getting dirty, too." I add.

"Yes." Deritine drags himself out of the pool, growling. He darts over and shakes right in front of us, getting all three of us wet. I can see the flashing of Snape's eyes as he decides what curse to use on Deritine. I contemplate whether I should let him. Snape makes an intricate sweeping motion with the wand, one I would have thought he would be loathe to make. I flinch as it passes over me. With a whispered word, he is dry and sud free. With that, he sweeps out the door.

We follow him, squelching. "Well, that was unexpected." I muse.

"Yea, I thought that would piss him off for sure. Took it so calmly… how disappointing."

"That wouldn't be the word I would use. More like relieving."

"What? You like him angry, too. Ever since I left your head you've been all wishy washy… what?"

I stop dead, staring at Deritine. "You made me do it!"

"Do what?"

"You…" I point at him, finger shaking. "Deritine, I thought you said you were just riding!"

"I was!"

"Then how the hell is it that you find it so amusing to piss off that poor man while I no longer find it to be so?"

"Hey, watch who you're calling poor…"

"Whatever. You were in my head making me do all of it, weren't you."

"Hey now, you were obsessed to begin with. If I got some pleasure out of the whole arrangement you can't blame me."

"By the gods! I can't believe you… you… id!"

"Hey, watch it! What's an id anyway?"

I poke him on his cold wet nose, hard. "You."

He growls. "What are you talking about?!?"

"Oh, so you can pay attention while I'm harassing book characters, but not while I'm learning any Psychology." 

"That's all boring human stuff, I don't care about that."

"Which is precisely why you're my id."

"What is this id thing anyways? And who cares if I only paid attention when you were playing video games and reading fun books and such. It's not like titrations are in any way amusing."

"That is my summer job, which is very important! Without those titrations, how do you think I would have gotten money for all the video games and Harry Potter books?"

"Where do you think you got the desire to do so?"

I gape at him. "What?"

"I am the spice of your life. You would be a useless bum without me. Look at what you've been doing since we got separated."

"I can have just as much fun as I want id or no id."

"Stop it with the id stuff already." Deritine rolls his eyes. "You're boring repeating yourself about all these science terms. Probably learned it in Biology, they make up all sort of useless names for things."

"No, whelp, it's Freud. And an id is all desire and lusts."

"Oh, well in that case…" Deritine shakes the water from his coat again, re-soaking me.

"Argh! That is exactly it. I must have subconsciously named you…"

"How do you figure?"

"Well, id Deritine… they're similar."

"Yeah, if you spell it backwards and take out all the letters."

"Exactly, it's hidden."

"But I'm your subconscious. And besides, I named myself."

"There you go."

"No, that's stupid. I didn't even know what it meant."

"Then maybe you're subconscious was paying attention."

Deritine looks puzzled. "And why would the subconscious of your id want to listen to lessons on psychology?" he asks sarcastically.

"I dunno…"

"And besides, you do so still love tormenting him. I'm just better at pissing him off. In fact, you were quite enjoying yourself until he threatened to _Avada Kadavra you. I told you that you still have more inside, but do you listen? Nooooo."_

"Yeah, but last time I was dreaming. This time I'm awake."

"Whatever. Hey, where did Snape go, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's been gone for a while, now…"

"What do you know…"

"I guess you were fixated on me."

"I guess."

"It was a pretty good row." Deritine's eyes mist over happily.

"Yes, yes it was."


	10. Pirhanis the Dog's Subconcious

_I'm free!_

_Free as the crow flies…_

_Free as the grass blows!_

_When I'm with you…_

_La la la la!_

"You know, that doesn't work so well." Deritine muses while lying flopped over on the grass, basking in the sunshine while being luxuriously petted by a gaggle of random Hufflepuff females.

"How do you mean, I'm with you, no?" I proceed to do fantastic loop-de-loops in the air, soaring faster in dives and circles. It is a nice day out, warm with a chill breeze, mostly overcast with a twilight type of feel, but still enough sun to bask in as needed. Scattered applause comes from the Hufflepuffs. I land lightly and lie down next to Deritine. "I've been thinking." Deritine mumbles encouraging noises, though rather to me or to the Hufflepuffs, I am unsure. "See, it seems that I have become the entertainment around here. Which is fine, if I am also being entertained. But I'm not, which is the problem. It's my dream after all, and no way am I going to let it develop into angst, especially as there is no chance for a love interest."

The Hufflepuffs are roundly confused, but Deritine whines at them to continue patting. "Ok, first off, it isn't a dream. Secondly, it is not a fanfiction. So you kinda have to take it."

"I refuse to believe that, therefore I can do whatever I damn well please. I refuse to be scared of consequences anymore!"

"Here here! But that still doesn't change the facts."

"Oh please, I materialized from an alternate dimension and you sprang from my head like Athena. Don't tell me about facts." I float upwards and begin soaring back up to Hogwarts. "It's almost dinner, isn't it?" The Hufflepuffs nod. "Good. Deritine, you need to get your semi-corporeal butt in gear. After all, it is only your insistence on rules that holds you chained. You are as much a semi-ghost as I am." Deritine blinks up at my retreating form.

*   *   *

I look down at the masses of Hogwarts students stuffing their faces. Have I eaten recently? I can't remember. I definitely missed lunch due to the potions incident. I had a lemon drop… Did I actually eat that pastry at breakfast, of just point with it? I've been in this world for less than a day, however. Hmm, I probably should be hungry. Oh well, that is beside the point. This is not angst. To prove such a thing, there should be something amusing happening. But, really… I don't feel like it. But depression is bad… Argh! Ooo, there's Draco.

"Draco." I say, from my floating position right behind him. He whirls with his wand out, poking me in my surprised belly. "Ich, I think you may have just created a plot hole, there." I back away slightly, putting some space between me and the business end of Draco's wand. 

"What do you want?" he asks.

"Oh so cold, I just came over here… er, well I suppose because I have seen quite enough of Snape in the past 17 hours or so."

"I see." Draco seems a little closed off. I suppose I could disappear his clothing… NO I DID NOT MEAN THAT! I glare at the suggestively see-through clothing. 

"Uh, Draco. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I accidentally turned your clothing to gauze."

"What!?!" He looks down reflexively to see that, indeed, his clothing has a sheen to it not normally associated with school robes. "And what do you mean, the wrong way?"

"That is a rather good question, actually…" I'm trying very hard not to picture Draco with no clothes, but by massive effort the vision keeps coming. "Err… here." I toss him a cloak out of thin air, now almost mesmerized my the slow disappearance. STOPPIT! No use. Draco throws it over himself when I recognize it. I snort and almost choke- he is wearing what appears to be a large, pink bunny skin. Or perhaps Halloween costume. "That actually goes quite well with you're complexion…" Other Slytherin girls, who had been watching with as much interest as I are similarly affected. 

"Oh how cuuute!" a few exclaim. Draco's face is quickly eclipsing the shade of the bunny suit.

"Well, a little tried, a little cliché, but I'm laughing." I state. I feel Snape behind me. Feel because of that way he has of standing right behind a person that only a tall and irritable teacher could ever pull off. The Death Eater training undoubtedly helped. "yes, Snape?" I ask. I turn around as I say this, and watch with amazement as pink sweeps with my gaze. All the way up to pink floppy ears. I burst out laughing. "Matching, perfect! I love my subconscious." Suddenly there is a length of wood poking me between the eyes. "What, you don't like it?" A flash of purple meets my eyes. Oh, the horror. "I… love…you!" I gasp out between guffaws. No one else seems to get it, except for the general sense of Snape in a giant purple dinosaur suit. Of course, unlike the original, Snape's head sticks out of the neck, and the wand is still clutched in one padded hand. I collapse on the ground, imagining a whole line Snape Barney episodes- with Draco as Baby Bop. Oh, I would watch the show then! I look over to see that a resigned Draco is indeed wearing a large green female triceratops costume. Compete with bow. I can't take it any longer, to funny, especially as how pissed off Snape looks… Bad Barney, scaring the little kids! 

Snape uses a severing hex to rid himself of the cumbersome outfit and I am laughing too hard to tell him that it is likely a bad idea. In an annoyed gesture he slashes the suit from neck to foot along one side, revealing pale white skin. A rather lot of pale white skin. He looks down at his bare thigh for a second in disbelief. A moment of silence ensues, everyone is frozen. Snape look up and acquires a deeper frown than usual. I realize why when everyone remains motionless. No movement or noise whatsoever. Draco's clothes, I note, have returned to normal. So have Snape's it seems as pieces of it flutter away, leaving him perhaps less covered than before. His boxers end up on the floor in a faded grey heap. He barely is able to hold the rest of his robe together as it threatens to follow suit.

"I would have warned you…" I say between aftershock giggles, "but I was too amused." He glares at me, and with a greatly reduced swoop, walks away. "Fine then." I release time as soon as I figure out how to, leaving a half naked Snape to storm out of the remaining few meters of the dinning hall in full view of the temporally unaffected.

*   *   *

"So, yeah… I don't feel like even attempting to sleep anywhere. This new ability not to have to be within viewing distance of Snape is really nice, and I don't feel like waking up in his bed again…" Deritine and I am lying out on the castle turret, between two gargoyles. I figure if I'm not all warm and comfy I might actually be able to pull it off.

"Well, at least I know how to get to his rooms, I suppose." Deritine yawns. We look out over the sweep of Hogwarts' grounds, spying a thestral circling over the Forbidden Forest. "I suppose dying counts for seeing those things, as well, otherwise we're more screwed up than we thought."

I murmur an affirmative. The grass looks silvery in the moonlight, the Forbidden Forest like velvet next to it. The castle glows slightly in the light, seemingly made of moonshine itself. I sigh with happiness.

The peace is broken as both Deritine and I scream in pain and grasp our left arms. I lift up the sleeve of my borrowed robe and through the haze of pain I see a burning skull with a snake maliciously wiggling to cause maximum torment. "FUCK that HURTS!" I scream, or maybe Deritine screams, but both our snakes do happy little jigs sending new waves of fire burning up our arms. With a sickening lurch I am in a forest, where I don't know nor care as nausea and pain vie for attention. I curl up in a ball on the ground and just lie there.

I hear a crack like a gunshot, and another. Then there is a sound like suction followed by a pop. I look up blearily to see Deritine panting in a ring of Death Eaters. Suddenly the pain ceases. Deritine straightens with relief, looking around him. "Hey, I recognize you guys! But look! I followed you Aimry. I thought for sure you were waking up, how much that hurt and all, but I guess not." He looks behind him to see Voldemort. "Ooo! How pretty you are there, are those contacts? Wait, no… ah, you must be Riddle." Voldemort's eyes narrow, his mouth opens in a snarl as he whips out his wand. Deritine has only a second to tilt his head and open his mouth before he is hit with the killing curse. Something explodes from the back of his head, knocking into two Death Eaters and laying them flat. I watch as Deritine's limp body crumples to the ground, eyes glazed and cloudy. 

"No!" I scream, running towards him.

"You!" Voldemort hisses. "How are you still alive? I did not think it possible."

"I informed you of this… problem, my Lord." Comes a familiar voice from behind me. Snape.

"You killed him, you bastard! I'll… I'll…"

Voldemort does not bother to reply. I retain enough knowledge for a time to note that I have been hit with two killing curses before the world fades away.

*   *   *

 "Deritine!" I exclaim as I see him arguing with the minotaur.

"Aimry, there you are." He turns with a scrunched up nose and a rolling tongue- his version of a grin. "This guy is really funny, says I have to stay. I've been telling him how silly that is, since I was never really alive in the first place."

"Do I have to stay, too?" I ask.

"You! I told you before not to come back." The minotaur looks irritated

"I can't very well help it if people keep hitting me with curses and such, now can I?" I ask reasonably.

"Alright, from now on, you and anything that is attached to you are no longer able to even attempt to come here, you hear me?"

"But… _Avada Kadavra…" I protest._

"I don't care if you get landed on by a nuclear missile. No coming back! You will just have to deal with it on your own. I've wasted enough time on you."

"What if I die in the right dimension." Though I'm not really sure why I'm protesting immortality. I have heard from some sources that it can be a drag.

"No, never. As far as I'm concerned, you, this mutt, and anything else that comes out of either of your heads don't exist. If it's connected to you, it's not coming here."

"I don't suppose that you know a way to get us back all in one head, do you?" Deritine asks pleasantly.

"No, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you." With that, he picks us both up by the back of our necks.

"But that just makes me think you _do_ know." Deritine whines. With that we are resolutely tossed out of the afterlife… again. And, perhaps, for the last time.

*   *   *

"I'm free!" I hear as I come to on the ground. "I'm Freeeeeeee!!!! I tell you freee!  No longer shall I be imprisoned in that dog like brain!"  What is going on? I look over at the screaming being who is completely ignoring the fact that he is growing a second head, nor the multiple bloody cuts and strangely colored lights dancing around his body. Seeing as they seem to be healing over and being relatively harmless, I can't say that I blame him. 

"What are you talking about?" Asks Deritine from where he is shakily regaining his feet. 

The new person glances behind him, "Oh it was a dog, funny that."

"I am NOT a dog." Deritine huffs. I look more closely at this new person with my strangely focusing eyes. It seems to be a male, wearing sleeping wear consisting of a blue long-sleeved shirt, and American flag pants. The flags are arranged in a very curious pattern, vaguely reminiscent of swastikas. I look up to the remaining head and a shock of recognition sweeps through me. 

"Pirhanis?" I ask, incredulous. He turns, bending to see me around the Death Eaters who continue to cast all manner of dark spells his way.

"Aimry! What's up?" He gathers some of the spells in his hand, pensively. There seem to be an overabundance of red. He picks out a red stand and examines it. "Is it Valentine's day or something?"

"Er… no."

"Hey, that guy looks an awful lot like Voldemort." A chorus of 'you-dare-to-speak-the-dark-lord's-name's ensues. "And this looks an awful lot like a Death Eater meeting." He tosses the stun over his shoulder, knocking out a random Death Eater. The rest regroup in a defensive huddle. Pirhanis comes over to me and grabs my left arm. He twists it over to see the red outline of the Dark Mark. "I told you that would come back to bite you on the ass."

"It was in marker!" I protest huffily.

"It's the symbol that counts." He shakes his head. "Giving yourself over to the Dark side, seriously Aimry." I frown. I was wearing long sleeves… I look down to a cartoon cow in a jungle; caption 'Common Cow in search of the Illusive Greener Pastures.'

"What happened to my other clothes?" I ask rhetorically. I change to pants instead of the Groovy Scooby boxers and materialize a bra- though the stripes match no better, at least I don't feel half naked anymore. "Whatever." The Death Eaters seem to have reached some plan, for they advance determinedly. I wonder what new things they have thought to do to us. Pirhanis obviously still thinks that he is dreaming, and if I am correct, none of us can die…

"Hey, Aimry? If your cousin came out of my skull, what came out of yours?" Deritine pauses. "That's a little random…"

From the distance we hear the beginnings of perhaps the best song ever sung.

_Total slaughter…_

_Total slaughter…_

_I won't leave a single man_

_Alive_

_La-di-da-di-die_

_Genocide_

_La-di-da-de-dud_

_An ocean of blood_

_Let's begin the killing_

_Time…_

"God, what horrible lyrics." Says Lucious. Pirhanis and I snort. Too perfect.

"What is this, a song fic crossover?" asks Pirhanis. A soft sound comes from the trees, barely distinguishable except that I know what it is. Well, I know the lyrics anyway.

_Yeah, bringing you another disturbing creation_

_From the mind of one sick animal who can't tell the difference_

_And gets stupefied_

All the Death Eaters are looking around for the source of the sound, as am Deritine, Pirhanis and I.

_I've been waiting my whole life for just one **hyaak**_

_And all I needed was just one **haaak******_

_How can you say that you don't give a **faaak**_

_I find myself stupefied_, coming back again__

_All I wanted was just one hyuuk_

_One tiny little innocent fyaak_

_And when I feel like I'm shit out of laaayck_

_I find my stupefied_, coming back again__

A brief pause is followed by a _teh-tha-ta_ comes from all around us before the song resumes, skipping most of the middle and becoming much louder.

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_I begin to **stupefy**. Raaak!_

All the Death Eaters dive for cover, looking around wildly.

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_I begin to **stupefy**. Ryaak! _

From their positions behind trees, bushes and other miscellaneous cover items the Death Eaters, panicking, scan the area entirely devoid of anything to hit.

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_I begin to **stupefy**. Hyaak! _

They all flinch. One faints away at the pervasive drum beat and very Disturbed noises coming seemingly from all around. I note that his hand is silvery.

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_I begin to **stupefy**. Hratt! _

At this last, a large goat saunters out of the forest, from a direction that nobody had been looking at in particular. It is about the size of a pony, with long dark hair and an impressive curling set of horns. Its mouth is wide open as it continues to sing:

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_Look in my face, stare in my soul_

_Look in my face! Todagebizae!_

_Look in my face! Todagebizae!_

_Look in my face! Todagebizae!_

_I begin to **stupefy**! Fyauk!_

With that it closes its mouth. Voldie and crew look at it in disbelief. It does not take them long to come out of the daze and begin to fire off all manner of curses at the immense goat. It's coat turns all manner of interesting colors in the light, but not steadily enough for me to confirm my suspicions. It looks upward briefly, during which a _whii-eeer-izzz noise can be heard. It looks back at the hexing mob and opens its mouth:_

_Te Fa Ched_

_Te Fa Ched_

_And don't deny me_

_No baby now don't deny me_

_And darlin' it'll be okay…_

Looking at me and the other two as it sings the last, somehow able to get the creepy guitar and the middle-eastern accent though its goat lips. "I don't know that they know Hebrew…" Deritine mutters. "But I have no idea what _they_ have to be afraid about."

"This is a really weird dream." Pirhanis whispers to me. "First I get trapped in a dog's brain, and now _Stupefied keeps playing, except a goat is singing it. I don't even know the lyrics that well. But why's it all skipping around?" I shake my head._

Voldemort apparently has had enough. He whips out his wand "_Avad-" Snape grabs Voldie's arm._

"Do not hit it with the killing curse! It is undoubtedly one of the same…"

"You _dare to touch me?" hisses Voldemort._

"Uh, Snape." I raise my hand. Reflex. He doesn't pay attention.

"We do not desire any more of these…"

"You DARE!" Voldemort is turning his wand on Severus.

"Snape!" I whisper urgently. He seems to have snapped.

"They keep coming, they find you wherever you go, tormenting every facet of your life, and they hold nothing sacred…"

Voldemort flings Snape off him with considerably more strength than one would have thought his emaciated frame could hold, sending him skidding on the ground. I feel my stomach drop out from under my and be replaced my poison. Voldemort casts it before I can even think. Snape goes limp as the green light pierces him. "No!" I scream, leaping at Voldemort, feeling myself turning long and deadly lean, opening my newly long teeth. Behind my haze of hate I hear a brief snatch of lyric '_I cry/When angels deserve to die.' I miss him by milliseconds, he disapparates right beneath my claws. _


	11. Metaphysics

Severus S. Snape finds himself with a bruised rear on some irritatingly hard clouds. He looks around, noting the large minotaur in front of him.

"Ah, Professor Snape, you are a little early, but there was always the possibility of seeing you sooner… _what is that smell?!?" Snape is completely bewildered. "I can't believe this!" The minotaur grabs the front of Snape's robe, pulling him toward the large bull nose. The minotaur takes a deep breath. His frown deepens. For once Snape's face is rather pleasant as he is completely and utterly confused. The minotaur grabs something that it apparently sees coming from Snape's nose. Snape sneezes from the utterly odd sensation that the pulling of the invisible whatever causes. The minotaur proceeds to pull invisible things from the base of Snape's throat, the connection between his biceps and shoulders, his solar plexus, the center of his chest, and both knees. Snape is now glaring, though he is powerless physically and magically. Snape pales and reflexively attacks the much larger creature when it pulls on a very personal area. The minotaur seems not to notice. "Interesting, nothing there." At the very last, he pokes Snape over his third eye. Snape's head snaps back and his last image pops into his head. It was, of course of his personal demon, looking despicably harmless in Muggle pajamas. "I knew it! You are very connected to __that one. I told her not to try to send anyone else here. And here she is corrupting a perfectly world bound citizen. I will have to have words with that one." His grip on Snape's collar is becoming uncomfortably tight._

"If you would kindly loosen your grip." Snape snarls, or rather attempts. With his wind cut off, it sounds more like "Ghiff churlkkk nyih ecken zure krip" 

"I told her, that disrupting pain in the ass. However, this bond seems to have been formed long before my ultimatum." If Snape had still been alive, he would now be dead. Snape feels an odd sucking sensation from all of the points where the minotaur had tugged the invisible strands. "Look at this! Not even one minute! If she tries this kind of stunt with any of the other citizens I will kill her myself. No, not kill her- then I would have to deal with her. I will make her hurt so bad that any connection she even _thinks_ of making will be broken from thinking, her brain will be so bruised." The minotaur digs its hooves into the clouds and leans back, holding Snape's neck so tightly that had he been alive it would have broken. And possibly snapped off. Even so, they both are sliding, Snape looking like a person in a bad tornado movie or Star Trek episode, nearly horizontal with the floor. "Remember that before you go back. Tell her for me. I want that little irritation to fully understand that I will have no more of her rearranging the cosmos. It is _my_ cosmos, dammit. I rule here! Got that?" Snape manages to make an affirmative gesture around the extreme stretching he is currently not enjoying. The minotaur finally looses his grip and falls backward as Snape flies in the opposite direction.

*   *   *

I howl over the disapparated Voldemort's footprints, half in desperate anger, half in despair. My new wolf throat is very helpful for this, unfortunately, it does not seem to have tear ducts.

"Why do you care, anyways? I mean, you enjoyed irritating him and all, but seriously…" Deritine attempts to reason with me. I continue howling. I don't think anyone is paying any attention to him. I am ignoring him, Snape is dead, and Pirhanis is playing chess with the goat. 

"And check mate." Says Pirhanis happily.

"_Du…/Du Hast/Du hast meich…" Sings the goat sadly. _

I can't figure out how to turn back into a human, not that I'm particularly concerned about that at the moment. I crawl toward the limp body of Snape on my belly, whimpering. I poke him with my nose, snuffling into his hair and robe. 

Minor explosions singe the goat and boy. "Rats. You moved that mine, didn't you?" He glares at the goat.

"_Shot through the heart/And you're too late/You give love/A bad name"_

"Yeah, yeah. You have Everquest?" The theme song bursts into being. "Sw33t!"

"Ooh, can I play too?" Deritine gives me up as a bad job.

I curl around the body. Some part of my mind teases me for doing what I had always thought so silly in movies, the cuddling of the dead. Especially in X the movie, with just the head. I tell that small voice that if it doesn't shut up, I will get someone else to cast the killing curse on me and pop it out. Who would that be? It retorts. I ignore the voice. The body is still warm, though cooling quickly. It has the over-limpness of the recently and traumatically dead. It stiffens, I whine. So quickly the rigor-mortis? Why! Why do I have to be a Biology major?

The corpse shoots upright to a sitting position. I yelp and jump back. Corpses are _not supposed to do that. The corpse looks around wildly. No, not corpse… he's ALIVE! I yip excitedly and proceed to lick every part of Snape's body that I can reach quickly and conveniently, namely hands and face. I am considerably larger than Deritine at the moment, and the attempt to bathe Snape is very awkward, compounded by the stuns and various movement restrictive curses he is sending my way when he can get enough breath to say the incantations. I discard the wolf form in annoyance and proceed to koala the irate potions master._

"_Turn around bright eyes/Every now and then I get a little terrified then I see the look in you eyes." Mutters the goat, pointing with one hoof in our direction._

"Not now, I'm almost at the character screen. Hey, look! Half elves are now 49.9% elves. I haven't heard that one…"

"_TURN AROUND!!" The goat screams loudly._

Deritine and Pirhanis look over at me. "That's just nasty. Stop it. Too bad Bufon's not here, maybe we could get a rez or something."

"I agree completely with your assessment, this clinging is deeply disturbing."

Pirhanis jumps up and back. "Ahh! It's undead! Kill it!"

"No, he always looks like that." Soothes Deritine. Snape attempts pry me from his chest to no avail. I think at this point it would require a stiff crowbar. "How are you alive, though?"

"The minotaur asked me to inform you that he will have no more of you antics or else he will come and create intense pain for you all. I believe he wishes you to stop 'rearranging his cosmos' I believe was the term."

"You got booted out of heaven? Well, I knew that guy had sense…" Deritine muses.

"I was kicked out only because of you miscreants." Snape tries again to release himself. I'm quite content where I am, thank you. "Apparently you have made it impossible for me to escape, even to death." He gives up and lies back down on the ground. I relax slightly, ready to resume a death grip if he tries to dislodge me again.

"_In the middle of the night/ I go walking in my sleep/ Through the valley of fear…" mutters the goat. _

"We should probably get back, its right." Deritine says.

"Back where?" Pirhanis asks.

"_Hogwarts! /Hoggy hoggy Hogwarts" _

"Stop, please. I hear quite enough of that at the school, thank you."

"Well, if you could just teleport…" 

"Apparate" Deritine whispers.

"Right, apparate us back, then, that would be great." Pirhanis finishes.

"I would love to transport myself back; however, my wand is…" Snape takes out a completely and utterly totaled wand from a back pocket.

"Oops, that's my bad." I cough, embarrassed.

"Indeed."

"_Here we are/Born to be kings/we're the princes of the universe!"_

"Yeah, why can't we just tele-apparate ourselves, then."  And with that Pirhanis is gone.

"Does he even know where he's going?" asks Deritine, worriedly.

"He's your subconscious." I retort.

"He's your cousin." Deritine bites back.

"So?"

"_Why can't we be friends/Why can't we be friends?"_

Deritine follows Pirhanis, as does the goat, and I follow them holding Snape.

*   *   *

We end up in Snape's room the first time. Apparently Pirhanis has very good aim.

"Well, you did all right coming here first try, I suppose." Deritine allows.

"Of course I did. I'm a wizard." Noting the weird look on all our faces, he adds. "Not that kind of wizard! I mean, not this kind of wizard. You know, I teleport for a living. Everquest? Got KEI? Ringing bells? Good." He flops down beside Snape and me. I am still quite contentedly attached, and Snape is still shocky enough not to be too snappish. "Besides, this place feels like 'home' to me for some reason."

"_The swamps of ho-o-oome!" We all give a weird look to the singing goat. It shrugs._

"Wouldn't be because of me. What kind of subconscious are you anyway?" Deritine says after an appropriate pause to let the goat know how stupid it was. "Who are you, anyways?" It points to a nametag proclaiming 'Hi! My name is Aimry' "No, you're not Aimry, that is." He points at me. The goat rolls its eyes. In the torchlight its fur is revealed to be a deep scarlet.

"Oh, please. You don't know what it is? We were playing computer games on it not two minutes ago and you already forget. That is obviously Fickle Narcolepsy." Pirhanis looks at the dumbfounded Deritine. "What, isn't that obvious? A red goat that can play video games? It is obviously Aimry's computers."

"Hey, Pirhanis, you know what an id is?" I ask him.

"But Aimry has two computers, Red Goat and Fickle. 

"You have failed me for the last time, commander. Take him away." Fickle says with Darth Vader's voice.

"Obviously they have combined. They were always getting brain transplants anyways, no wonder they got lumped together."

"That's got to be a little strange, being two consciousnesses at once…" Deritine scrunches his nose in disgust.

_"It's like a paranoid looking over my back/ It's like a whirlwind inside my head/ It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within/ It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin." Acknowledges Fickle sadly._

"But what is with that only speaking only in songs? I mean, it's a little bizarre… You'd think a computer would have a really great vocabulary."

"_Isn't ironic/ Don't you think? / A little toooo ironic/ Yeah I really do think" Fickle sends me a death glare. "_It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife…"_ It begins to look around Snape's room. However, all implements of pain are magical in nature and thus beyond Narcolepsy's scope._

"Or it was talking in its normal voice; it would undoubtedly be all beeps and whirring noises." Pirhanis looks to red goat for conformation. It nods sadly. "I bet she never even set you up with proper speech setting, huh?" Fickle looks down at the ground.

"I could never figure it out; I had no idea where the microphone was. Besides, I had to reset the operating system like seven times between the two of them."

Pirhanis turns back to Narcolepsy. "Where's your screen and keyboard?" The goat lies down on its left side, moving its head in a way that looks like it broke its own neck. A screen appears from the horn tips as the goat continues to rearrange itself, transformer-like, until it comes to a halt with a keyboard coming from its back, neck craned around and screen directly above the keyboard. "Mouse?" The tail falls off, attached by a cord. It blinks into a red light. Pirhanis grabs it and rubs it on the ground. "Sw33t, infrared." He begins clicking away.

I feel myself slipping into that happy state before sleep, where nothing much happens. Snape is comfy, the computers are clicking in the background, my dog is ignoring me… I grumble as Snape gets up, dumping me on the couch. Which is not warm. But close enough. I scoot into the warm spot where Snape had been. I curl up and sigh. "This is the Voice Recognition Setup. Read the following passages to… passages… pa-sage-es… to configure your Microsoft Office Microphone. If you need to reconfigure this in the future… ree-kon-fig-your... no. Back up…" Everything seems warm and fuzzy, though there is a nagging something trying to get my attention. Something I shouldn't have let go… "Reconfigure this in the future… Reprinted here in the future? How the hell did you get that? I'm reading off of your sentence. Obviously I would be saying what was written. I'm reading office and is obviously NBC was written me? You've got to at least try!" I slip deeper into sleep accompanied by Deritine's stifled laughter. "Deritine, stop laughing, look what it wrote: 'but not meet with the immediate who will open in be'. No wonder Aimry never did these speech tools…" Despite the chatter and the strange unease, I still fall asleep. 

This time I feel the transition. I end up under the covers next to Snape, who seems to be out cold. Or out warm, perhaps, since he is. I snuggle over and fall fully asleep. As I do I hear a faint curse coming from the other room. "Curse you to all depths of the Hells that the decaying multitudes of filth may Rot your bones and still your soul will scream in dire agony!!!" He really should stop reading all that Puritan poetry… 

*   *   *

Pirhanis glares blearily at the screen. "No, I don't want a period; I want you to say that the costume is not from the correct period. Gods be damned! That is not punctuation." He rubs his eyes, looking back at the snoring wolf. "Not that you are helping matters any, it keeps writing 'off-bomb you and me and Shoulda Olu' and other such nonsense." A pleasant beeping noise issues from the computer. A dialogue box appears on the screen. 

"Thank you for choose Microsoft Office Voice recognition." It says in a robot-like voice. "You have selected LH Michael as the computer's default voice." It adds. 

"What? I didn't do anything…"

"Please change my voice." Comes the awkward metallic sounding noise from the computer. With no inflection, it seems that the computer is going to go on a homicidal rampage of some sort. 

"I can't. That's the only option."

"I must download updates, please wait." Red goat looks down at the floor intently. 

"How is it that you are connected to the internet, anyway?"

"I have four wireless connecting devices available for utilization. I have also used the cellular connection that I have located via the GPS uplink I re-established during the reboot in the forest." Silks a female voice.

"You have a GPS uplink?" Pirhanis decides to ignore the seductive coo the information was delivered in.

"No. The Yukon XL came with one when it was purchased." The computer chirps in an anime-esque multi-gender young child voice.

"So how did you end up with the car's GPS?"

"Probably the same way I ended up with three cell phones." Comes a sarcastic sounding reply in the voice of Garfield the cat (television version 1.12.7).

"I see. Aimry seems to have issues discriminating between technologies." 

"How do you think I can see?" asks Sean Connery. "Hmm, not bad, but I don't think it integrates properly with my body."

"Definitely not. But how?"

"Look closely and you will be able to see that my left eye is an integrated Logitech 8K89 I.T.E. web camera. My right is a Panasonic PV-DV400D handheld min-DV camera connected through a 1394 port." Fickle says in a pleasant in a vaguely female voice. "I believe I will select J1R.6.9.2 as my default voice." 

"It's a good voice…" Pirhanis lets out a huge yawn.

"Ivan be kong?" Asks a very puzzled (slightly female) goat.

"No, I was yawning. I think I'm for bed, now that you are all set up and all…" Pirhanis yawns again.

"I see. What should I do then?"

"Er… do you sleep?"

"Not as such."

"Well, then I suppose whatever you want."

The goat looks as distressed as a goat can look. Which is to say, near to causing massive stampedes. Think Lion King, but without wildebeests or hyenas… Ok, not really like the Lion King.

"Yeah, look up some neat games and download all of the Metallica MP3's." Pirhanis' eyes are failing to keep them selves open. "I don't care. Is there a bed somewhere?" Fickle points one hoof in the direction of the slightly ajar door, not looking up from its intent studying of nothing in particular that seems to be in the space between the floor and its nose. "Heh, it would be really amusing if you downloaded all of the Harry Potter books and movies… yeah… do that…" Fickle nods. Pirhanis finds the transfigured bed that I have not ever really slept in. 

*   *   *

Deritine jumps on Pirhanis's chest, pushing all the breath out of his lungs with a whoosh and awakening him quite effectively. "Morning!" says an overly cheerful voice. Especially over cheerful according to the time on Pirhanis's watch. 

"It's only eight in the morning. I don't even want to know how late I was up." He pushes the large dog off his chest so that he can breathe properly and rolls over. He starts to fall back asleep before doing somewhat of a double take and starting badly enough to fall completely off the bed in a tangle of sheets. "By all the gods what is going on here!?!" He finally gets himself sorted out enough to look at Deritine's wolf-grinning speckled head. 

"This is so much fun. You are awake, not dreaming, I came out of Aimry's head, you came out of mine, and we are in Hogwarts." 

Pirhanis pinches himself sharply. "What happened… I remember, but… wasn't I dreaming…?" Pirhanis pauses. "Oh hohoho… I'm at Hogwarts?" An evil gleam enters his eye. "Where exactly in Hogwarts?" 

"Snape's bedroom." Pirhanis gets a blank look before comprehension dawns. 

"Riiight." Pirhanis stands up. "Why did you jump on me, anyway?"

"Well, I just…do." Deritine looks up briefly in puzzlement. "I guess it's a dog instinct."

"Ok, but why me?" 

"Well, I would have jumped on the goat, but it started playing Sanitarium at me, you know '_Leave me be/ Sanitarium/ Just leave me alone.' And besides, there is something just so innocently perfect about humans that makes them irresistible to pounce on…"_

"You still haven't answered the question. Aimry…"

"Is currently in far too close contact with Snape to consider pouncing upon."

"WHAT?!?!" Pirhanis peers over his bed, looking around wildly around until his eyes rest on the tangle of limbs, sheets and pillows that inevitably results from both of our energetic sleeping patterns. He runs over to the bed, pulling back a main sheet. "Aimry, how did you get in there? I mean, obsession is one thing, but have some dignity!"

I instinctively reach back for the cover, but Pirhanis is used to such things and has completely removed the sheet from my range. I give it back as a bad job and fall back onto Snape's chest. A long hand pulls itself out from under my head to rub its owner's face. Severus pushes me off and gets out of the bed, rearranging his black wizard robe from the night before. He disappears into the bathroom and closes the door. I grumble at everyone stealing my warmth. "What is it now? I was having a good dream…" I open one eye. Since it's fairly dark in the room, I don't instantly regret my decision. I frown slightly. "There was a hippo involved, and possibly some penguins… and I do believe that was C4…" I trail off.

"Ok, that's nice, but why were you in bed with Snape?"

"Oh, that. It just happens every time I fall to sleep. It's really quite comfortable. Not like that time I slept with my brothers, remember? What were we, like ten? Yeah, something like that… They both woke up with bruises as I recall…"

"Yeah, that would be the human eggbeater effect."

"Right, right. I remember now." I yawn and stretch fully. "I guess I should get up, seems everyone else is." I bite my watch Indiglo and look at the time. "8:24 in the morning? You got to be kidding me!"

"Breakfast is about to be over. Aren't you hungry?" Deritine looks puzzled.

"No. I never eat breakfast." I pause as my stomach protests. "Or, maybe I am hungry." I poke my belly a couple of times experimentally.

Severus comes out of the bathroom, rumpled but cleaner. He sweeps by us and I float after him, changing into my orange parachute pants and a black T-shirt with some logo or other on the front midair.

"Whoa, how'd she do that?" Asks Pirhanis, who immediately changes out of his long sleeve shirt and American flag flannel into khakis and a black shirt with the words 'I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.' Printed on the front. "Sw33t. I think I'm going to like it here." He opts for walking behind the growing train. 

Deritine follows, but stops in front of Fickle briefly. "Hey, we're going to go eat something, you want to come?" A buzzing noise followed by some high-pitched squeaks follows that question. Fickle then starts murmuring to itself.

"Goblet, good, Prisoner-trailer in QuickTime, Fade to Black to Wherever I May Roam secure…"

"Ok, guess not."

*   *   *

I contemplate whether I want to eat a cinnamon bun. On the plus side, they are good. However, I have already eaten two platters of them. Eh, what's one more?

"Oh, it is so neat, meeting them all. Look, there's Draco!" Pirhanis jumps the table and sneaks over to the Slytherin. "So, what's up, there, Draco? Is your father in Azkaban yet? Do you still hate Harry? Are there any possibilities of temporal fluxes or odd fixations with the two of you? I bet you want to be a Death Eater, right? I think that's not the greatest idea. Bowing to people, can't do that. Must stay in character, right? The new hairstyle, not going to happen, is it? I saw the preview for the third movie, and you looked completely different, the actor I mean. I…"

"Pirhanis." I interrupt. "Leave the poor guy alone. It's bad enough you're accusing him about being a dark wizard…" Draco looks slightly dazed and perhaps fearful as well. "Besides, the whole house rivalry thing kinda died in their class after a uhh… potions accident."

"Fascinating. Were they forced to work together?"

"Er… no. I was making a Pepper Up Potion as Neville and Snape startled me into dropping a highly unhappy ingredient in my cauldron."

"Well, that certainly won't last through the fifth book, do you think?"

"I dunno which book we're in now, to tell the truth." 

"What? Why not?" 

"Why do I care?"

"Well, we're obviously past book four as Voldemort is back in the flesh, so to speak. Hmmm. Is Umbridge around anywhere?" Pirhanis spies a pink cardigan. "So she is. Must be book five then." He looks for Draco for confirmation, but the blond has used the opportunity to make a retreat. However, another familiar figure has entered the dinning hall. "It's Harry!" Pirhanis Matrix leaps over a couple tables to land (crash) into Ron. "Hey, look! Ron. Wow, so cool!" Ron looks confused. "Hey, you on the Quidditch team yet? I just was re-reading the book a while ago."

"I'm on the team, yeah." Weasly blushes scarlet. 

"Not so hot with the goals, eh? You'll get better, no worries. As long as the timeline isn't too messed up. They still sing Weasly is our king?" The paling of Ron's face is answer enough, as is the aggressive motion by Harry.

"Who are you?" he asks, placing himself between Ron and Pirhanis.

"Hello, my name is Pirhanis." Pirhanis sticks out his hand and shakes Harry's automatically extended hand. "So, your fifth year is it?"

"Yea, it is."

"Excellent. What time would you say, roughly?" Pirhanis glances at the staff table. "Hagrid's back…"

"What, why?" Harry has lost his anger in confusion.

"Well..." The main door to the Great Hall slams open and the large red goat charges over to Pirhanis. 

"I have completed the task set to me. Would you like to view the files now?"

"Uh…" I wander over.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask.

"I have finished downloading the requested files."

"What files?"

"The ones requested by Pirhanis at 00:32 this morning. Included are all of the Metallica songs in MP3 format, some games including Snood, Civilizations and others, and the Harry Potter books in .doc and .mp3 format, and all related trailers, movies and extras." 

A great number of things then get said at once.

"The who books?"

"You actually downloaded all of that?"

"What the hell? You never downloaded anything I ever asked you to!"

Among others.

"I have completed these P2P gatherings due to the superiority of the cell phone and GPS link versus the overtaxed campus and/or home networks that I have had access to in the past."

"Where did you get GPS a cell or a voice for that matter?"

"Pirhanis configured my speech and language settings. And I am the integrated memory of all technology you have ever used."

"Wow. Do you have my Majora's Mask game saved?"

"Yes."

"Alright! I finally beat the Masked Fish Gyorg; don't want to loose that battle data…" I happily ponder the resuming of my game.

"But what time is it? I wouldn't be able to stand it if this was the crucial moment I could have told Harry to open his present from Sirius instead of doing something rash."

"Oh, right, I quite forgot about that." Harry mutters.

"Was that Sirius Black you were just talking about, dears?" Comes a sickly sweet voice from behind us.

I turn around and see nothing before looking down. "Dear gods, she does look like a toad about to swallow a large fly!" I gasp.

"Hem hem." Comes the angry semi-cough.

"We weren't talking about any Sirice? Is that what you said? Oh, nononono. We were saying how serious we were about uh… something" finishes Pirhanis lamely.

"Who are you all, what are you doing here, and what is that?" She asks in a really quite irritating dimply kind of voice.

"Ah, well my name is Aimry, this is Pirhanis, and that is… well…"

"I am a composite of a HP Pavilion, a Dell Inspiron 8200, operating with Microsoft Windows Me and XP Professional, respectively, with out board devices including a micro-innovations infrared mouse, Samsung plasma screen…"

"Ok, you can stop now, thanks. That is Fickle Narcolepsy the red goat, also with parts of other things in it as well…"

"Basically it's a Muggle thing." Pirhanis interrupts what was threatening to be an equally long recitation by me.

"That is not possible. No Muggle appliances can run within Hogwarts corridors." She gives a sickly sweet smile. "And you two have still not explained yourselves."

"In what manner?" I ask. Nicely, I thought.

"Your class, your reason for being outside of your school house tables."

"Well, technically we're not a part of the school. I'm actually quite a bit too old to be going to school here." I say.

"Oooh! Can I get sorted?" asks Pirhanis.

"Hey, that would be fun!" 

"Hem hem." Comes the little cough again. "If you are neither a student nor a teacher, then you must leave this school by order of the High Inquisitor."

"Oh, please. We've gotten to this nonsense already?" I roll my eyes. "We've got enough dirt on you to make Voldemort look like a nice boy. At least he wants to kill Harry personally. I mean Dementors, seriously." 

Umbridge pales. "I will have you in detention!" 

"I'm not a student, remember?" Pirhanis sits down on a bench and materializes some popcorn for himself. "Besides, what are you going to do to me? Make me write lines? Lock my broom away? You're funny, you know? I can make your life so miserable. And I don't even like you, so it would be completely different than with Snape, where it was all in good fun."

"I heard about you. The ministry got a report. You will come with me and answer to the Ministry."

"Oh, I'm so scared. What are you going to do, _Crucio_ me? Let me tell you in advance it doesn't work. Or maybe you want to try some other curse? I'm not really afraid of magic so much any more. Something about having Voldemort and various other Death Eaters cast the killing curse on you a couple of times will do that, I guess."

"You are speaking lies! I will have no more of it."

"Hah. You are a deranged psychopath, you know that? I bet Fickle has your whole confession from the end of the book in its hard drive. We could instigate a little Pre-Crime here. Like in Minority Report. Metaphysics, you know." Dumbledore has somehow managed to make his way over to the focus of the entire school's attention (me) through the massed crowds.

"That will be quite enough, Aimry, thank you." He looks quite grave, but also slightly amused.

"Sure thing, Bumblebee."

"I believe that Professor Snape is about to leave to replace his wand. He will be traveling by Apparation."

"Aw crap." I say as the world fades from view.

A/N: Ok, so I fixed all the little thingies that were wrong as I actually read it over. For shame on anyone who read but did not point these out! I mean, a couple of times I didn't even finish my sentence and at least once I left out the whole middle part of my though. However: thank you Joli for r/ring since that was very nice of you. And to all the other (10) people who have reviewed so far. Since I'm writing this, I suppose I should put the (Ab)Used songs list in here:

Total Slaughter-Trigun (English dub)  
Stupify-Disturbed  
Du Hast-Rammstein  
Shot Through The Heart-Bon Jovi  
Total Eclipse Of The Heart-Bonnie Tyler  
In the Middle of the Night-Billy Joel  
Princes of the Universe-Queen  
Why Can't We Be Friends-?  
The Swamps of Home-Once Upon a Mattress  
Papercut-Linkin Park  
Ironic-Alanis Morissette  
Sanitarium-Metallica

Thank you people who are good and review what you read, hopefully it is not just you reading the story. 'Cause that would be very sad. (In both senses.)


	12. Nocturn Muggles

I end up zoning in right above Snape's head, but a few meters above it. I fall for a second or two before getting my float under control, giving the bizarre impression to onlookers that I am actually standing on his head. I don't bother thinking about that as soon as I realize where we are. "Diagon Alley!" I breathe. Gooseflesh sprouts all over my body as I stare in awe. It looks even cooler than on the big screen. And I can enjoy it without theme music. I like the theme music, but natural noise is much more interesting, I think.

"Wow, what kind of charm is that?" A small boy asks. I look down at him.

"Er… _Wingardium__ Leviosa," I reply._

"I don't see no wands out." He looks suspicious. A crowd is starting to coalesce around us. "And why are you dressed up in Muggle clothes, anyways?" he asks. Snape starts walking out from under me, leaving me hanging in mid-air. I decide now would be a good time to get onto the ground.

"I happen to like Muggle clothing, being one. And anyways, they're much more practical most of the time."

"What? You're a Muggle? How were you floating then?" asks a little girl.

"Er… I meant Mudblood." A gasp comes from listening adults as they cover random children's ears. "What? That's not that bad a word. Besides, I don't know another name for it." I crane my neck, looking for Snape. He is nowhere to be found. With a sound like someone spiffy doing that popping noise with there cheek, Deritine, Pirhanis and Fickle drop into view. Literally, as they seem to have entered at the same height I did.

"Ow." Comments Pirhanis as he stands up. Deritine remains standing as does Fickle, both having landed on their feet. "What? You're not cats!" He brushes himself off and looks up. "Oh _wow_." He stands mesmerized by Diagon Alley as well. 

"Brilliant dog!" someone from the crowd says. Deritine puffs up and poses. The younger kids are pulled away by parents and the crowd disperses (flees), leaving some older boys. "I'll give you a Galleon for it."

"Thanks, guys, but I do know some stuff about wizard money." I scan the storefronts, looking for Ollivander's. Unless Snape went down Knockturn Alley (possible) he should be in there. "Hey, where's Ollivander's?" I ask them. They seem taken aback that I would know such a thing. They point off in a direction. I go in that direction, but soon realize the brats have given us bad directions.

"Aimry, I do believe we're in the Dark section of the market, so to speak." Comments Pirhanis. "Possibly we want to go back, if you're looking for Snape." He glances up at a sign. "On the other hand, I do need spell components."

"We're not playing Everquest!" mutters Deritine, annoyed. He wanders off to sniff something in a corner that seems to be particularly unpleasant.

"Just don't roll in anything." I call after him. I look around for Fickle. It seems to have gone off somewhere as well. "Did you tell red goat to find something else?" I ask Pirhanis.

"No. It might be inventorying something, though. I wouldn't be surprised."

"Damn. I asked where Ollivander's is, didn't I? It's probably there already."

"Excellent. Then all we have to do is go there and we'll find it." Pirhanis starts back up the alley but finds his way blocked by a tall nasty looking man with a brown trench coat on. Rather like a multiplication of Filch and Snape together. 

"You're not going anywhere." He snarls.

"Oooo! A fight!" Pirhanis looks quite eager. "Ok, you start attacking, Katryne, and I'll hit him with something." 

"Ok, first of all Pirhanis, I'm not Katryne. I have no monkey skillz. And secondly, you aren't Valrac, and you have no spell book." Our complete lack of fear seems not to be the effect Mr. Ball of Slime was looking for. He whips his wand around, creating some dangerous looking sparkles.

"We will not be nice to you, kiddies. Come along quietly." Comes a voice from behind. I turn around and see four more men, all of a type. One has Deritine with a rope around his neck. Deritine sits down and pants briefly.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"I rather like this rope, don't you? A nice fiery color. Goes well with my coat."

I roll my eyes. One of the men points his wand at Deritine's head. I can see his decision not to bite. Who knows where that has been? "Alrighty. If you hit him with a _Stupefy I would be interested to see what happens." _

The man grins evilly and begins to cast, "_Avada Kada…_"

"No!" I yell. There are already enough other characters, no need to see what else will be falling out of his brain. The man smiles.

"Cooperate with us and we won't do anything nasty." Says another of the thugs.

"Dammit, where is that goat when you need it? It has my spell book!" Pirhanis grumbles. A wand gets leveled at him as well.

"We don't have time for this." I mutter. "Ok, what do you guys want, anyways?"

"We just want to have a little fun is all, love." One of the men attempts to purr. 

"That's just nasty. Take a couple showers, maybe a bath or two… In fact, you might want to _Scourgify_ each other a couple of time… and then maybe. But in fact, the one you're most likely to get anything out of is the dog." I point.

One of them growls at me. "Look, ducky. We'll be doing as we please."

"And since when do you like your men clean? Look who you slept with last night." Pirhanis gestures up in the air. "They're not much worse."

"Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?" I snarl at him.

"Mine." He replies promptly.

"Don't worry, boy, you'll get your share as well." Somehow the five slimy men had backed us all into a mini-alley in the alley, leading us to be 'trapped' in a dead end. Mostly they were using our revulsion to accomplish this. Now Pirhanis and I don't want to move backward, either as there are certain unmentionables behind us now as well. Deritine's ears perk in interest. 

"Ewww." Pirhanis grimaces. "I didn't say _I_ sleep with dirty men, just that _she_ does." We stand still, everyone not willing to take the next step… yet.

"Well, I think I'll leave now." I say.

"You're not going anywheres, we told you that already, love." I float off the ground, and several eyes pop out, unbecomingly. Well, not much if anything would have made them look worse, but this did the trick.

"Up sounds like a viable option." I muse. "Hey, look. There are the Malfoys." I wave and call: "Oh, Draco! Luscious! Hello!" They both turn our way in startlement. Malfoy, Sr. comes our way with a look of sublime hatred on his face. With the Malfoy duo making their way over to us, the five nasties beat a hasty exit. They attempt to take Deritine with them, but he is now very stubbornly not moving, despite what I suspect is a rope with stun spells woven into it. They give up and vanish. "How lucky." I grin evilly.

"What did you just call me, Muggle?" Lucius snarls.

"I called you Luscious, Lucius, since you are." He seems to have recognized me.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire." Mutters Pirhanis. "I need my spell book. And possibly my staff… though I suppose a wand will do…"

Lucius looks about ready to kill me, and likely would have, if he hadn't been a witness to the absolute lack of use that had. "Selling more stuff that you don't want the Ministry to find?" I ask mildly, sitting down in the air. Deritine experimentally whips the end of his rope at Pirhanis, who jumps with a yelp, rubbing his thigh.

"Ice Comet… need Ice Comet… where is that damn goat?"

"That's a good idea since the second they realize Voldemort's back they'll send Ministry officials after you. Of course, the Dementors might join Voldemort, in which case it won't be too horrible for you." I think I've gotten Draco pretty ticked at me as well. Lucius looks quite frustrated. "And Draco, this thing hurts like a bitch, I don't recommend getting one." I say, flipping over my arm to reveal the Dark Mark, a sore pre-bruise color.

"How did you get away with that in Diagon Alley?" Pirhanis asks. He flips over his arm as well and stares blankly at his own Dark Mark. "You polluted me!" He spits, grabbing a foot and smashing me onto the ground. "I never wrote on my arm, how come I have to be Marked, too?" He digs at it, picking at the edges.

"That won't work, boy." States Lucius with a superior tone of voice. "Once you have been Marked by the Dark Lord there is no…" He stops abruptly as Pirhanis gets a finger under the edge of his mark. Draco's eyes are saucer wide. Pirhanis rips the mark off his flesh in a soft meat tearing kind of sound, causing flames to burst from his arm, seeking the Mark.

"I will be at no one's beck and call, much less a character I don't like from a children's book!" Pirhanis eyes the Mark. The snake is swinging around wildly and attempting to bite Pirhanis. "You know what happens to a toad that gets struck by lightening?" He asks it, uncaring that it is a snake.

"No! Don't say that line in my presence!" I scream "Don't you dare…" I grab for his mouth, but not before he says _it_.

"Same thing that happens to everything else." A bolt of lightening arches from the sky, and ignoring all laws of electromagnetism, hits the burning hissing Dark Mark. Maniacal laughter comes from the brilliant center of the lightening. I jump back and hit the Malfoys, nearly knocking us into nastiness. Deritine sniffs at the pulsing light, jumping back with a yelp as an arc hits his nose.

"I can't believe him, sometimes." I mutter. Finally the light dies down to reveal an extremely static covered Pirhanis. He looks at his hand, which is now empty, and his arm which is now clear of the Dark Mark and smiles.

"Excellent." He looks up at the three of us. "Let me take yours off as well!" He cries, pouncing on us. I get away, but Lucius is not so lucky. 

"Get off of me you bloody maniac!" He shoots stun spells at Pirhanis with increasing panic as Pirhanis digs his Dark Mark out of his arm. Unlike the rest of us, the spells don't even seem to hit Pirhanis, who continues as if nothing at all is happening. Deritine, Draco and I dodge behind a wall to avoid all the reflected Stuns. One reflects back and hits Lucius square on the face, and with a whoop of victory, Pirhanis rides him down. Draco sprints from shelter and picks his father up from where the victorious and slightly nutty Pirhanis is holding up Lucius's Dark Mark for a repeat performance. Draco tries to stop the flames licking out from his father's arm to no avail, snatching back a burned finger. With a flash thankfully not accompanied by the worst line in the history of film, Lucius's Dark Mark is gone. 

Pirhanis's attention snaps on us with an insane glint. Deritine and I prepare to bolt. "Now, be reasonable, Pirhanis. I'm sure we can get them off ourselves…"

"Yea, no problem. None at all…"

"I think the lightening went to his brain." Deritine mutters sideways to me.

"No, something happened before that. He went ballistic when he started raving, I think." I whisper back at him. Lucius seems to be coming around and Draco is helping him to his feet. Lucius looks down at his arm in disbelief.

"We've got to do something before he goes and tracks down Voldemort or something." Deritine says as we back up slowly.

"Yeah, we need Sirius to be cleared before that happens…"

"And it would be nice if the whole community stopped thinking Harry is nuts…"

"Mm. True." I look at the advancing Pirhanis dubiously.

"Well, on the other hand, would it be so bad to get rid of the Dark Marks?" Deritine asks reasonably.

"You have a point there I suppose, but I'm not liking how he's looking."

"Here Aimry, Aimry, Aimry…" Pirhanis coos.

"He's completely nuts!" I choke. I dig at my mark, and ripping it off tossing it over to him. Deritine follows suit. Another flash of lightening and sense returns to Pirhanis's eyes.

"That was a little weird." He states.

"No kidding." I reply sarcastically.

"I suppose I overreacted." We turn to see Draco leading a still partially stunned Lucius out of the mini-alley. I run over to them. An odd sensation seeing as how I usually float.

"Hey, Draco. It's probably not so safe here with your father not up to his usual tricks." He gives me a look that could melt ice. "Hey, now, don't glare at me. It's your father's fault. He hit his own damn fool self." Deritine moves over to Lucius's other side. "Let Deritine take him, you don't have to burden yourself, right?"

"I can take care of him." Draco says, moving out of Deritine's way. We are at the entrance of the mini-alley when Lucius comes to enough to grab something from a pocket inside his robe. It is a vial, and with a sip from it he is completely restored.

"Ooo! What kind of potion is that?" I ask eagerly. With a crack Lucius and Draco are gone. "Spoilsport." I mutter. 

We exit Knockturn Alley and come to Ollivander's with no further troubles. We enter to find Snape testing out wands. 

"This one is also not acceptable." Snape says wearily.

"How many have you tried out? We got attacked by five people and de-Marked Lucius and all three of us and you are not even done yet?"

"He has tried out four-hundred, sixty nine wands so far." Says Fickle from where is lounges in a corner. "Of those, three-hundred twenty seven made minor explosions, eighty three smoked alarmingly, two violently combusted, eighteen cast random hexes, one caused Snape's robe to become tie-dyed, one caused his hair to turn yellow, one made violets grow out of my ears, and the rest had no effect."  

"Impressive." I note. "Why isn't he still looking like a surfer bum?" I ask.

"I returned to normal upon relinquishing the wand." Severus replies. He takes another wand and his robe is hemmed in a flame motif.

"Oh, I do like that one." Pirhanis compliments. "Come here, Narcolepsy, I need my spell book." They move off to attempt that. Snape gives back the wand, but the flames stay. He looks down at the pattern with a frown. "You should keep it, Snape, it looks cool."

"Remove it."

"No." Pirhanis looks over his shoulder with a smile.

Ollivander hands another wand to Snape, causing a massive fireball to erupt from its tip. Ollivander dodges expertly. But the singed look to the ends of his hair, he's had practice. "Curious." He takes back the wand and puts it in its box. "You were not this hard to fit with your first few wands, Severus Snape."

"You should use something poisonous, or one that hasn't been washed ever… or perhaps one that's crooked." Deritine comments, but fortunately Ollivander cannot understand.

"Let's try this one." He hands Snape a long silverish wand. Nothing happens. With a sigh he takes it back.

"How many wands do you have, anyway?" I ask the shop keeper.

"Seven hundred and thirty four." He replies.

"Great." I sit down and make myself comfortable.

"AHA!" Shouts Pirhanis, hugging a massive tome with leather bindings. He coos over it disturbingly. He flips it open and begins memorizing Ice Comet.

"Hey, Fickle, come here, I want to play some Zelda as we wait." I wiggle a finger at it. It trots over and sits down.

*   *   *

"How many has this been?" I ask the goat tiredly. I had all the mini-side quests of Zelda and then Pirhanis and I played some Everquest, resulting in both of us gaining a level. Although, we had been very close to start off.

"Seven hundred and thirty two." Fickle says. It has decided on a different voice, this one vaguely male.

"Great. That means it has to be this one or the next." I lean forward to watch the second to last wand being handed to Snape.

"Or we'll have to go somewhere else." Pirhanis points out.

"Great." The second to last is a beautiful red wood, polished nicely to a sheen. Snape picks it up and suddenly all sound ceases. "What happened there?" I ask, or at least try. Nothing comes out of my mouth. Snape puts it down and the sounds come crashing back. "Weird." Snape takes the last wand and… nothing happens. "Super. Wonderful. Brilliant!"

"Well, I do have on more wand, but…"

"Oh by the gods, why didn't you say that earlier?" I irately mutter.

"It is a very peculiar wand…"

"Ok, fine- bring on the Pikachu."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind." The absolute last wand is brought out. It is in a _very_ old box, one that looks to have been, at one point, a living space for mice. Out of it comes a matte wand of a charcoal color, almost looking burnt. Ollivander hands it tenuously to Snape, who picks it up. Colors swirl in a wind around his head. "Great, that's the one, let's get out of here."

Ollivander looks nervous. "That wand was made from the hair of a very special and very magical…"

"Minotaur?" I ask.

Ollivander gives me a weird look. "No, a dragon."

"I believe that dragons do not have hairs." Says Snape, raising an eyebrow.

"No, normally they do not. However, this one did. It only ever gave but this one hair, and said as it gave it that it would only give the very end of the hair, as the rest of it was still alive."

"The dragon?"

"The hair." 

"Hair isn't alive." I snort. 

"This hair was. And even stranger, the hair refused to go into any wood except the deadwood of Bristlecone Pine, one of the longest living trees on the planet. The wand chooses the wizard…" He finished enigmatically.

"That is perhaps a little too dramatic to be strictly believable. My personal theory is that since I'm here, it had to be the absolute last wand you picked out." I sigh.

"You weren't here the whole time, though." Deritine points out.

"True."

"Whatever, let's go." Pirhanis jumps up, stretching. 

"Can I get a wand?" asks Deritine.

"You're a dog, how would you hold it?" I ask him.

"I am not a dog, I'm a human."

"No you're …." Pirhanis turns around to what I had just shielded my eyes from. "Ok, so you are! My eyes…!" He covers his face with a hand. "Put some clothes on!" 

"I do not need to wear clothing." Deritine states proudly, puffing out his chest. 

"You most certainly do." Snape growls, flinging his robe at the young man. Grumbling, Deritine puts it on. Snape crosses his arms over his black sweater, which also seems to have gained a flame motif, as his black slacks. Deritine bars his teeth at Snape, scrunching his brown freckles up onto his nose. He is rather cute, looking rather doggy even as a human. "Why would you desire a wand? After all, you do not seem to need one."

"I dunno. I guess I don't. Especially now as I can shape change." He shoots up in height, loosing the freckles, hair lengthening and darkening, until he matches the owner of the robe. "Well, what are we lounging about here like wasted er… potions ingredients?" Deritine says with his long hooked nose in the air. "Onward!" He swoops out of the store, flashing Snape at everyone.

"Egad! I definitely didn't want to see that!" Pirhanis yells, as he had just sneaked a look to see if it was safe.

"Unfortunately, I already have…" I sigh. 

"Well, that's good." Pirhanis mutters.

"What? How so?" I ask, confused and a little ticked. "It's a good thing that I keep getting flashed?"

"No, it's good that you still think that it is disgusting." I roll my eyes. 

"If you two are finished insulting my body as I stand here, I do suggest we get moving." 

"Why? We can wander around here a while, don't you think?" I gesture with a large arm movement. "We could go to Flourish and Blots or back down Knockturn Alley or… what?" I ask a suddenly intent Snape.

"You went down Knockturn Alley? Wearing those? Have you quite lost your senses?" He asks us pointedly.

"Well, there were a couple goons that wanted to jump us, but then Aimry floated up enough to see Luscious… eh, no… I mean Lucius, and he came over all 'What is a pretty Muggle like you doing in a town like this' except more like 'Oh-mae-yoh-koross-oo' and then I perhaps overreacted a little bit."

"You don't pronounce the 'oo' at the end of 'o mayo korosu'. Not that I'm pronouncing it correctly either of course…"

"I cannot understand what you are saying. Would you care to repeat that in a somewhat intelligible manner?"

"Alright, we went down the alley mostly by accident and five guys came around the corner with less than honorable intentions and I was just going to float up and away. I say Lucius Malfoy, though, and he came over before he recognized me. Then Pirhanis noticed that he had a Dark Mark and uh…. Well, he tore it off his arm and called lightening down. Then he tore off Lucius's as well. Deritine and I tore our own off before we could get jumped. It was fairly spiffy, what with the snake… mmmph" I finish in a muffled manner since my mouth is no longer able to continue speech. Snape grabs Pirhanis as well and drags us both out Ollivander's. As soon as we are fairly clear, he lets go of me briefly and Apparates Pirhanis and himself out of Diagon Alley, myself a helpless follower. 

This time I land on the ground. Red Goat follows shortly, but Deritine is conspicuous in his absence. "Uh, Snape, you left Deritine looking like you running around hemi-nude." Pirhanis points out once he is released and a safe distance away. We are back in Snape's quarters, somewhere that has become quite familiar recently.

"You fools casually discussing the Dark Mark in such a public venue is certainly more important than someone in a similar form to myself displaying himself publicly." Snape growls.  

"You asked." I mutter.

"I had no inkling that you would expose Mr. Malfoy in your casual remarks…"

"Well, it wouldn't matter, now would it?" I cut him off. Interestingly, he looks to be more irritated that I didn't let him finish his thought than many of the other things that I have done to him. "I mean, the Ministry could go over there now and look at his arm…"

"But they are not even acknowledging that Voldemort…" Pirhanis cuts me off.

"Do NOT call the Lord by his name!" Snape completes the cycle of rudeness. I guess it was my fault; after all, I did start it. 

"What, that's not even his real name!" Pirhanis retorts. "It's Tom Marvolo Riddle. And why do you care anyways, you're only spying." Snape seems a little stumped at that one. Before he can think up an appropriately sarcastic and cutting remark, Deritine appears with a sound like bubble of goo popping, swinging his long red rope in a lazy arch. Pirhanis hurriedly scrambles away from the arch. Deritine is still wearing Snape's robe, though the front is open so wide that it's not doing any good.

"Well, that was highly entertaining." Deritine laughs. "No one was expecting the greasy git to run around with this!" He whips the stun rope suggestively.

I outrun Snape to the severe beating of Deritine. Mainly because Snape wasted precious seconds standing there gaping in a confused indecision between horror and rage. As I hold Deritine tight by the rope and beat him over the head with a large paperback book, Snape overcomes his indecision to come to the conclusion that he wants to hurt Deritine. Preferably with hexes not to be found outside of the Restricted Section, if they are in the Library at all.

"Owowow!" Deritine cries, covering his head. "Stop it!" He turns back into a dog in his attempts to wriggle free. Granted he is much stronger as a dog and more resistant to attack by… I sneak a look at the cover… Wizard's First Rule, but I still have him by the rope around his neck. Deritine escapes enough that he is facing me, tugging frantically on the rope. With an expert wriggle, he escapes from my bind and runs off and hides on top of a bookcase. Unfortunately for him, that is not the best place to be, seeing as now Snape has free reign to cast vile nasty hexes on Deritine. He does not get the change, however, as at that moment the door to the rooms opens to admit what look suspiciously like Ministry Officials.

"Professor Severus Snape, you are under arrest for public nudity, indecent exposure, improper use of a Restraining Rope, possession of Dark magic, endangering of the public, malicious hex casting and general misconduct."


	13. Azkaban

"What?" ask a disgusted Pirhanis, a dangerous looking Snape, and a book wielding me. Deritine chuckles over on the bookcase.

"Professor Severus Snape, you are under arrest for public nudity, indecent exposure, improper use of a Restraining Rope, possession of Dark magic, endangering of the public, malicious hex casting and general misconduct." Repeats the foremost Ministry Official.

"We heard you the first time, no need to repeat." Pirhanis shudders.

"No, you've got it all wrong…" I begin, to be cut off by Snape.

"I would never disgrace myself in such an unseemly manner." He sneers.

"We have multiple eyewitnesses, all describing you similarly. Those who know who you are gave positive identifications. They all described you wearing black with an interesting flame motif." He looks pointedly at Snape's stylishly red and gold crawling up from his pant cuffs and shirt sleeve ends.

"Well, you see… it wasn't him… it was…"

"What, a shape-changing dog that came out of your head?" Deritine puts in helpfully. "Oh, that's beautiful. They'll believe that one for sure." Dumbledore enters the room peaceably, followed by Dolores Umbridge. I note Pirhanis' eyes glaze over in mania and throw the book at his face before he gets any ideas. Immediately he coos and settles down reading it.

"We are going to have to bring you in for questioning, sir." The Ministry official raises his wand, backed up by his two companions.

"No!" I say, putting myself in front of Snape. 

"It's not going to hurt him, anyways. Let's see if they'll Avada Kadavra him. Should be interesting to see what comes out. I vote for cobwebs and bats. Heh, bats in the belfry…" Deritine comments.

"It was… er… me!" I burst out.

"Don't be silly, dear girl. We can clearly see that you are not the Potions professor." Umbridge smiles sweetly.

"I'm one of those thingies… like Tonks. You know her, right? Nynkihora or something? She is always changing her appearance." I blurt, incoherently.

"You're a Metamorphmagus?" asks one of the supporting officials.

"Yes!" I grin, snapping the stun rope that is still in my hand. "And, here is the robe." I point at the ground. There lies the aforementioned garment.

"She is not a Metamorphmagus." Umbridge says sickeningly. 

"Oh, but I am you." I say, and my stature suddenly shrinks down, my clothes turning a horrible pink, my face stretching out sideways. "Hem hem." I cough. "I believe, as Hogwarts High Inquisitor, I will now be forced to suspend you. Your teaching has been not up to the Ministry's approved standard." I am illuminated by the twin suns beaming from behind Dumbledore's glasses.

"What are you waiting for? Arrest her!" Umbridge (the original) shrieks, no longer sticky sweet. The foremost official casts a Petrificus Totalus on me, and I fall to the floor, still Umbridge. 

"To get out of that, you just have to relax- like the Devil's Snare!" Deritine calls after me. The first actually helpful thing he's said to me in a long time.

After I'm gone, followed by Umbridge and the officials, Dumbledore turns to the remaining four bits of my mind. "I assume that she did not, in fact, run around Diagon Alley wearing nothing but an ill-concealing robe?"

"Naw, that was me." Deritine says as he jumps off the bookcase, human and nude. Again.

Dumbledore decides to ignore the lack of clothing, as does Snape. Pirhanis, thankfully for his continued sanity, is too intent on his book to register. "And you feel nothing about letting Aimry take the blame?"

"Well, firstly, I would have had to say that I'm an unregistered Animagus as well as a Metamorphmagus and that would have brought up a lot of inconvenient issues. And besides that, tonight as soon as she falls asleep she'll be right back here anyway. Assuming, of course, that she doesn't just come back here before that on her own."

"And you did not consider that they might do something before tonight, nor the consequences of her leaving when she is accused of a crime which the other suspect is Severus."

"No. What consequences?"

"That if she leaves they will believe that she is a construct I created. An illusion perhaps. Umbridge was upset enough that she might attempt to gain the right to put your creator in Azkaban." Snape drawls silkily.

"Oh." Deritine pauses. "Oh, well. Better her than me. I'd probably disappear if all my hopes and dreams got sucked out of my body." He laughs. "I mean, that's all I am, no?" Snape's eyebrow twitches in a manner denoting high irritation.

*   *   *

 "And you do plead guilty to all charges?" asks Fudge.

"Well, yes except the charge of tripping on a block of wood. That's not a crime."

"It is if you then cause your robes to fall open."

"Ah, hell. Why not? I'll plead guilty to that too. You've got enough ridiculous charges in there already. What's one more?" I ask philosophically. I am bound by the straps of the chair in the room next to the Department of Mysteries. "I plead guilty to all charges."

With that, a wooden hammer is struck and sentence pronounced. "Aimry Clifford is hereby convicted with all the charges listed herewith," a very (excessively) long list is held up for the assembled witches and wizards. "You are sentenced to a term in Azkaban of undefined length."

"Azkaban?" I squeak. "Is Black there?" Sour looks great my question. "Oh, right… never mind. We're in the fifth book." I try to insult them to hide my trembling. 

"Do you have any last statements?" asks the wizard council.

"Yes, I do." I clear my throat. "You all are bloody Muggle fools if you think that Voldemort is not back. Fools! Harry Potter is (mostly) perfectly sane. His story can be substantiated by the fact what he can now see the Thestrals. Umbridge is an incompetent fool who should not be allowed to set Dementors loose in Muggle neighborhoods. And…. Bears should have sit graphics because Druids are not better than Shamans." I conclude.

"Is that all." Asks a dubious witch.

"Yes. And all but the last bit applies to this world. That last bit just kinda came out. Sorry."

"Fine. Sentence to be carried out henceforth." The chair seems to be some kind of a permanent Port-key, for suddenly I am hooked from the navel and pulled inexorably forward. I land in a sprawl, face at the hem of a black robe. I look up to see a creature that looks to be the cross between the grim reaper and Ring-Wraiths. I feel like someone pulled a plug out from the bottom of my heart and all my energy and happiness is swirling out into the void that is this creature. It just keeps going and going, I feel sick more from the huge flow than from the loss of happiness. Apparently I have a lot. 

More of the creatures gather round, but it seems that my energies are being absorbed by only the one in front of me. I struggle to a standing position, panting as I look at it and the rushing torrent attaching our two breastbones. Or anyway, what I assume is its breastbone. "Don't…" I pant. It snakes a hand out, lightening quick, grabbing my neck. Another path is opening between us. Where is all this energy coming from? I wonder. An icy chill of realization hits me as I realize. Frantically, I locate the pulls of energy that are flowing in rather than out. I snap three of them, but the one refuses to be completely dissolved. Even the other three seem to leave shadows of themselves behind. I close off the last one as much as I can and assure that the others are not giving me any more energy.

The amount of energy coming from me does not decrease, however. I just begin to feel weaker and weaker. I do not have many bad memories. Or at least, that had been my understanding. But now… they are all surfacing. I almost drowned one, trapped under a sailboat. It feels kinda like that, but I don't have the energy to swim around the sail and to the surface. And while that instance only seemed like a second and I was quickly free, this goes on and on. Worse than the Crucio, I feel myself draining out of me.

*   *   *

"I don't think of consequences! I can't be expected to…" Deritine breaks off with a gasp. The Sword of Truth falls from limp fingers. The four groan in concert before a puzzled and increasingly worried Dumbledore. 

Snape slowly sinks to the floor, seeming to slowly deflate. His pale face becomes even paler and then greenish. The kind of green that you think is just an expression until someone turns it right in front of you. 

Pirhanis curls over, becoming quite grey, holding his stomach with crossed arms. His face presses unknowingly on the cover of his book.

Deritine reverts to his dog form in an ungainly slide of shape that is sickening to watch. His color fades from the vibrant brown and sleek black it should be to increasingly similar grey tones.

Fickle beeps plaintively and croaks in a scratchy electronic voice, "Improper shut-down immanent. Please check signal cables." It seems as though all the many parts of its electronics are loosing their hold on each other. A web cam drops out of its eye socket, saved from destruction by the white cord trailing out of Fickle's skull. 

Dumbledore stands helplessly, realizing immediately what the problem is and that he has no more power to stop this than he does to keep the Dark Mark from functioning. Suddenly color snaps back into Deritine and Pirhanis, and Fickle ceases its beeping, shakily putting its camera back in.

"What was that?" asks Deritine. No one answers him, as Pirhanis and Fickle are as lost as he is. He turns to Snape to see him still slumped on the floor. Deritine resumes his humanity with agonizing slowness, lying down on the floor after he is done. "What…happened?" he pants.

"As I feared, they have put Aimry in Azkaban." Dumbledore sighs.

"So?" Deritine snaps. "I'm not in Azkaban."

"True, but you are connected to her through bonds beyond normal bounds." Dumbledore explains patiently.

"But it stopped…"

"She might very well be dead now." Dumbledore says sadly.

"No… she's not dead…" croaks a voice from the no longer flame patterned heap on the floor. "I can still feel the… drain." Snape seems to be unable to get up from his slumped position, though it is in no way comfortable looking.

Pirhanis sits up, the book cover sticking to his face for a second before peeling off and falling back to the ground. "Aw, man. I lost my place." He huffs at the very closed book. "It was a cool effect, though… they'd just crossed into the barrier of the underworld, then BOOM! I have all the happiness sucked right out of me." He looks up at Dumbledore and coughs. "Not, of course, that I am getting any pleasure out of it…." He coughs again. "So Aimry somehow closed off our connection to her?"

"That is what I believe." Dumbledore replies.

"So once again she leaves only me with the…" Snape breaks off with a grunt. He continues after a brief pause, "painful drain on my abilities." He manages to flop over to a less twisted position. 

"You know, I don't really want to stay in this room any more. Why we did in the first place is beyond me." Pirhanis mutters as he flips through the book. "Nothing but negative sarcastic comments."

Deritine looks up at Dumbledore. "Yeah, could Pirhanis and I get rooms, somewhere? I know you were going to get Aimry one until she started teleporting all over the place. We three don't suffer from that problem. Though I'm not sure the goat needs a room."

"I have not initiated sleep mode for the duration of my activation." Confirms the red goat, in a voice that sounds a bit like James Earl Jones.

"Have you completely forgotten about the problem we are faced with?" Snape growls, with considerably less energy than needed to intimidate anything. Even Neville.

"What problem?" asks Deritine.

Snape gestures in a way that may have been more enlightening if he could raise his arm above the floor. "This situation!" He grumbles.

"Eh, she'll pop back as soon as she falls asleep. Until then, you're the only one affected. And I would be solving my problem to get a room somewhere away from you."

"There is nothing we can do for the moment. She has been legally tried and found guilty. I no longer hold a position in the Wizengamot, and thus can do nothing." Dumbledore turns to Deritine and Pirhanis. "I can, however, get the two of you rooms. I will tend to that in a minute." Dumbledore takes out his wand and points it at Snape, who twitches in what looks like a reflex reaction. With a swish and flick, Dumbledore propels Snape through the door and onto his bed, pulling the covers over him. "Follow me, boys." Dumbledore exits the room, closing and resetting the wards behind him. Fickle follows them out, but wanders off in another direction. Soon the two are settled in, Deritine in a deeper part of the dungeon than even the Slytherins care to go and Pirhanis up above the Griffindor dorm rooms accessible only by a hidden staircase behind a statue of an anorexic man.

*    *    *

Pain blossoms into life on an arm sensitized by utter exhaustion. Severus Snape lets out a string of vile curses that seem to have a life of their own, belying the tired state of the originator. Snape crawls out of bed sideways, not quite managing to stand upright. Pure pride is all that is keeping him from crawling. He drags a robe on and himself to the door. He manages to straighten by pulling some energy from the pain. With some of his natural dignity restored, Snape begins the longest walk to the edge of school grounds that he has ever made.

*    *    *

Some energy brings me out of the zombie-like state I had been in. Energy or pain? Either way, something other than the continued sucking of my soul. The Dementors will not let me escape in sleep; they know that if I were to do so, I would leave. How they know this is beyond my comprehension. Or at least, it's beyond my drained beyond apathy comprehension. I start to pull a little at the energy even though it is just absorbed by the Dementors a second later. It makes me feel better for a little bit, anyway.

*    *    *

Snape finally reaches the boundary and pulls out his new wand. It gives him a jolt of energy, letting him stand to his full height. Snape looks at the wand curiously; energy donation is not a normal property of wands. He dismisses it as he summons the concentration to Apparate.

He arrives in a clearing that is dark and gloomy as per usual. Really, it would be more disturbing to have a Death Eater meeting on a sunny beach, not to mention uncomfortably hot. Nice damp forest type places make the use of masks and full black robes less silly. Snape seems to be the last one arrived, but the complement of Death Eaters is one short. _Who died?_ Snape looks around as he wearily shuffles into place.

"Sssseverusss. You look ill ussssed." Snape grunts non-committaly in reply. He is not up to much speech at the moment. Voldemort ignores this rudeness in favor of scanning for the missing follower. "Where issss Luciusss?" Voldemort asks sharply. The other Death Eaters (except Snape, who is too tired) shuffle nervously.

"His Mark was removed." Snape yawns, too tired to deliver the pronouncement with eloquent phraseology. Without the pain of the Dark Mark, he is about ready to topple over.

Voldemort's head snaps around to regard Snape. "What?" he asks dangerously. "The mark isss impossible to remove."

"Pirhanis ripped it off and delivered a few thousand volts of energy onto it, as I recall." Snape pushes out past his heavy lips. He feels the tendrils of Voldemort's mind enter his own and has a moment of panic. He is too tired to push them away from his true thoughts. The tendrils are snapped away and gathered before they can reach anything of vital interest, however. Voldemort stumbles slightly, looking up at Snape with a brief moment of surprise.

"All of you, leave!" Voldemort snaps. All but Snape apparate immediately. He is beginning to feel a little better as energy is stolen from the larger well of Voldemort's power rather than his own. Voldemort cannot possible get any paler, nor more greenish, so the result of his drain comes out as actually a darkening of the skin to a yellowish-greenish-greyish of such unbecoming hideousness that the eye would rather pickle itself than behold. This is what Snape's eyes might have done had they not been abused as thoroughly as they had been by his profession. 

"Interesting, I wouldn't have thought you had any feelings. Perhaps it is just energy she's after." Snape is now recovered enough to mentally slap his forehead for such a careless comment.

"Where isss that parasite of yoursss Ssseveruss?" Voldemort hisses, beginning to curl.

"I would have expected her here, she has the most irritating tendency to follow my every move." He looks around. "But judging from the way the energies are flowing, one is led to the conclusion that she is still interred at Azkaban."

"Azzzkaban?" Voldemort pants slightly. "We called thisss meeting over reports that you had been arresssted."

"I was charged, but she plead guilty." Snape wonders why he is telling so much to the Dark Lord. Well, Lord Voldemort has his sources and none of the events of the day are in any way private. In fact they are disgustingly public. Voldemort snaps the connection, causing Snape to sag slightly.

"You may go Ssseveruss." With a bow, he does. Snape Apparates right on top of his bed, falling asleep immediately.

*    *    *

Pirhanis wakes up the hungriest he can ever remember feeling. He yawns and gets out of bed, materializing himself a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt with a frog sitting on an ice cube on it. He walks down through the staircase and past the anorexic statue to join the other Griffindors off somewhere. They end up at the Great Hall, where food is being served. Pirhanis' stomach protests the pause before eating, but he sits down at the nearest table (Hufflepuff) and proceeds to eat approximately three times his weight in sandwiches and assorted cookies. By the fare, one could infer that it is lunch. Pirhanis looks over at the nearest student, a nervous looking first-year female Hufflepuff. Or possibly second-year. "Hello, there. What time is it?" he asks.

"Uh… twelve-thirty, I think."

"Why thank you. And would you happen to know the date?"

"Hem hem." Comes a cough from behind Pirhanis. He whirls around, jumping up onto the table and pointing a large staff at Umbridge. It is very pretty, with see-through bluishness and sparklies of differing colors around it. Where it came from is a complete mystery. Especially, it seems, to Umbridge. "What is that you have, dear?" she asks, not very politely.

"This is my staff of ultimate DOOM (damage of overwhelming magicalness)!" Pirhanis poses handsomely to show off his very nice staff. "I hacked it from my Everquest file, and it gives +100 to my mana, +50% to all magical attacks, and most importantly, shields myself and all other PCs from the DOOM I unleash upon evil spawns!!!" Pirhanis grins manically.

"Well, I will have to confiscate that item, it sounds quite dangerous." 

"Hohohoho! Confiscate, will you? I will show you the power of DOOM! To my trooooo form!" With that, Pirhanis shrinks and turns very dark, his height now about equal to Umbridge's, and his complexion of navy blue setting off his snow-white hair beautifully. He is now clothed in an amber robe with filigreed maroon scrollwork on the cuffs. "And to the _levitation!" He begins to bob up and down. "And now to call upon the beast which will give me the power of the gods!" With that Pirhanis taps on a small hand-drum, causing boulders to fly about him. Where they came from is anyone's guess. "Come forth, Meeb!" He cries joyfully, and with a pop he is sitting on top of a white and maroon lizard. It has a pointy head and large shoulders tapering to a smaller butt. "Behold my Drogmor, Meeb. Be afraid." Pirhanis and Meeb look very very impressive for approximately ten seconds before two things happen. Firstly, Meeb spots the food that it is floating over and proceeds to charge down at the table, eating food and table in equal portions. _

The second is Deritine walking in, clad in a pair of red snakeskin pants that he might as well not be as tight as they are, saying, "Alright. Who let the drow in?"

Pirhanis jumps off his lizard-turned-pig mount to float above a less affected part of the room. "Bugger I should probably buy something other then Iron rations now that I have a mount..." He pokes Meeb with the end of the DOOM stick experimentally, with no results. "No matter. Even without my magical boost from my mount, I will still rain DOOM upon your head, foul spawn of evil!"

"Firstly, you are evil, dark elf. And secondly, who are you?" Deritine cuts in, hands on snake-skin clad hips. He also has the Stun rope slung around his neck like a scarf.

"Silence! I may be evil, but I can still call upon the Light!" He points at the ceiling and a couple of people flinch reflexively. "And I am Pirhanis, otherwise known as Valrac, the 54th level of most awesome wizardliness!"

"What? Haven't been playing lately, have we? You've been 54 for a while…"

"I had school. It's not my fault they banned Everquest in the dorms. And you look like a complete poof, by the way."

"Eh, all a matter of perception."

"Back to business! I will blast you from the face of the earth Umbridge!" Pirhanis turns back to see Umbridge cast Stun at him. It bounces off him to soar at an unsuspecting Hufflepuff. 

Deritine whips out the rope and catches it before it can do any damage. "Careful with those, toad. Wouldn't want to hit any bystanders." Umbridge looks very confused. Pirhanis (Valrac) has sent little green bubbles that dive through Umbridge's short body to sink into the floor. Next he waves his hands in a complicated gesture as clouds of silver-blue gather around him, mist smoking up between the chunks of what looks to be ice. Umbridge tries to take a step toward Pirhanis only to find that she is stuck to the ground. Or rather, she is so slow that she might as well be stuck to the ground. With eyes glowing a menacing Infrared, Pirhanis lowers his arms. A grey and shimmering comet appears on the ceiling of the Great Hall, rushing downwards with acceleration greater than gravity to smash into millions of smaller pieces which fly in a widening circle around the impact site. For all but Umbridge, the effect is like being inside of a blizzard from which they feel only a slight chill and a bit of wind. But for Umbridge the effect is slightly more… harsh. When the mist of evaporation clears, Umbridge is embedded in a block of ice.

A/N: okay, Fickle Narcolepsy the Red Goat is my computer(s) plus a whole bunch of other electronic goodies. The fixation thing I'm not precisely clear on either, but I will rely on the wisdom of the novel to clarify that in its own due time. Basically that is what us in this whole situation to begin with. Oh well. And it wasn't really Snape doing the public nudity, otherwise you can bet your booties I would have been veeeery descriptive. ;)

A/N2: Updated and edited stuffs. Hopefully made the bit with Voldemort etc. a bit more clear, as I wrote that under extreme stress (Physics final). It now makes a little more sense, hopefully.


	14. Veritaserum

"Severus, wake up." Snape rolls over halfway with a grunt, trying to see who is harassing him this early in the morning. He looks over blearily at a disgustingly chipper Dumbledore. "Here, dear boy, drink some of this." Snape props himself on an elbow and looks at the proffered bottle. It has a green liquid as chipper looking as the headmaster.

"Headmaster, how did you get in here?"

"I have the keys to all rooms in Hogwarts." He presses the bottle into Snape's limp fingers which are a few shades paler than normal. As is the rest of him. 

Snape looks down at the bottle with what, with more energy, would be a look of trepidation. "Why would I take this?"

"You are in obvious need of some energy, Severus. This potion has been proven quite effective."

Snape pours a little onto his finger, and the energy is like a flash into his skin, but soon it is gone. He licks it off cautiously and again a weak jolt of energy infuses him, though this time it lingers. Gauging the strength roughly, he swallows the whole bottle. Dumbledore's eyes widen slightly. Snape gets slowly to his feet. "Was that potion tempered with?" He asks, belatedly realizing its odd properties. It had been much less effective than the last time he took it.

"No, Severus. It wasn't." Dumbledore looks at Snape oddly.

"Why are you here so early, Dumbledore?" Snape grumbles as he stands up, dropping his stained robe to the floor and fishing around for another one in his closet.

"It is almost three in the afternoon."

"Oh." Snape replies listlessly.

"Umbridge has been frozen into ice, Severus. I came to ask you if you had a large vat of Melting Potion. I understand your students concocted one last week."

Snape thinks briefly. "Yes, they did. It should be in the Potions Lab." He pauses. "Umbridge is a block of ice?"

"Yes, Pirhanis cast what he is terming 'Ice Comet' on her in the Great Hall. Fortunately it did not seem to do her any harm."

"Beyond sealing her within ice?"

"Well, yes. But she appears quite unharmed under it. We have even seen some signs that she is still conscious."

"Why do we care, Dumbledore? I am quite irritated by her and I can at least pretend to go along with her. She seems to like me at times. Ironically." Snape yawns and comes up with a new robe which he pulls on slowly.

"Severus that will have been two incidents surrounding Hogwarts. Any more and the Ministry might see fit to do something rash. Of course I have an alternate plan…" Dumbledore's eyes mist over slightly. He shakes his head and continues, "But I do think it best if I can stay here. Voldemort will be trying to get Harry, and I want to be here in case he does."

"Other Order members will be here."

Dumbledore raises an eyebrow. "True."

Snape pauses. "Why am I still getting dressed?" He asks himself, holding a faded black sock. He wanders back over to the bed and lies back down. "The potion should be marked as such in the Lab." He turns over and to all appearances is asleep. Dumbledore pokes him with his wand. Snape jumps off the bed, using it as a barricade, wand out and pointed at Dumbledore. "When did you get back in here? I was asleep!" he growls.

"I didn't leave, my dear boy. You just lay down."

"Do you still require me?"

"No."

"Then you can let yourself out, I assume." With that he crawls back onto the bed and falls back to sleep. With a worried look, Dumbledore turns from the flat form of the potions professor and exits the room, closing the wards as he leaves the apartment.

*    *    *

"I could just cast Inferno of Al'Kabor on her." Pirhanis says as numerous ministry officials swarm around the block of ice that is Umbridge.

"That will be quite unnecessary, Pirhanis. I have obtained some Melting Potion from Severus."

"That will probably work better, anyway. I'm not that great at fire spells. Though it is an evocation spell. I do enjoy those." Pirhanis muses.

"What is he talking about?" asks Fudge of an Auror.

"He has explained much of the spell system to us, but we are still working out the particulars." He glances at the ebony elf dubiously.

"Hey, since I was a non-human when the attack happened, does that mean I'm a dangerous animal?" Pirhanis asks of the auror. The auror ignores him. "Ah, well. It feels so good to be my elfy self."

The potion is administered to the block of ice, quickly spreading a large pool of water across the Great Hall floor. Meeb pauses his browsing of the remainder of lunch to lap at the water peaceably. Fickle wanders in from a side door and joins Meeb's browsing. As it comes over to Pirhanis, it looks up and pauses. "Valrac. Why have you changed your form? I thought you found the turning into others disturbing."

"Well, this is my form, you know. Sort of." He looks up, tapping a long indigo finger on the tip of his nose. "Well, anyway… where have you been for the past day and a half?"

"I have been converting the Library into PDF format."

"The whole library?!?"

"97.56% of it. I was unable to scan several books due to their natures. One turned into a face and screamed at me. I was able to capture a photograph of it, and have it filed as a JPEG. Similarly, the rest were recorded as image files."

"I see. Just how large is your hard drive?"

"Red Goat's is 40GB, Fickle's 30GB, but I have utilized a fractal compression that lets me store near infinitely on one supplementary CDR."

"Oh."

"That way the hard drives can be reserved for software and memory to perform tasks." Pirhanis looks dazed, like a student in Binns' class. Or perhaps, more like someone who has just come through multiple science exams. It turns to the auror. "Why are you bothering to free her? That is probably a more secure prison than Azkaban, with her connection to the Dementors."

The auror turns and starts backwards, wand pointed at Fickle. "What is this? Another magical creature? How many unregistered beings do you have here?"

"I am not magical. Well, in some sense one could argue that. But it would be more appropriate to term me a self sustaining mental projection of Muggle technology years in the future, this time-line." Fickle pauses to speak to itself. "But you have not answered my question."

"Delores Umbridge is high ranking in the Ministry; she has done nothing to warrant imprisonment."

"Ah. I have a confession right here, I believe." A whirring sound ensues as the goat's shaggy head dips down to the floor.

"What are you talking about?" asks Fudge, tuning into the conversation.

"Ah, yes. Here it is. Page 746 of Harry Potter and the…" Red Goat's breath (?) whooshes out of it in a crackling of static as Pirhanis kicks it in its side. 

"The fifth Harry Potter book in the series, that being his fifth year of Hogwarts."

"What was it going to say?" Fudge interrupts. "What is the title of the fifth book?"

"Harry Potter and the … erm… Rise of Voldemort." Pirhanis cuts in quickly.

"What?!?" chorus Fudge, the auror and a few others turn and exclaim.

"Harry Potter and the Rise of Voldemort." Red Goat repeats. "As seen from the first year of Harry Potter's Hogwart's career, Voldemort is resolved to regain his physical self and rid the world of that which before cost him his war- Harry Potter. In the forth book the Dark Lord succeeded where he had before failed (attempts including the use of the Philosopher's (British versions) or Sorcerer's (American versions) stone, the drinking of unicorn blood, and in a partially unrelated ploy, the use of an enchanted diary to control a host.) This attempt was successful in that it utilized a potion containing the bones of the father, the flesh of the servant (Wormtail) and the blood of the enemy (H. Potter). Though set back by the violent reactions given by the brother wands, Voldemort remains…"

"Oh, gods, stop Fickle. They don't need an analytical essay." Pirhanis rubs his forehead in irritation. Apparently he has also begun to pick up Snape traits. "Just get back to the point. Page 476, was it?"

"Page 476 details the reaction of the Weasly family to the attack on Mr. Arthur Weasly as they gathered at number…" Pirhanis kicks the goat again, earning a reproachful look. 

"The part with Umbridge's confession. You know what I meant."

"Page 746, American Version 1.0. Would you like a printed copy? [OK] [Cancel]." 

"Sure." Pirhanis answers.

"Not valid input."

"Ok." Pirhanis says, slowly.

"How many copies would you like?"

"Oh, by the gods, just print the stupid thing!" Pirhanis growls. Buzzing whirs preclude the paper that comes out of the goat's ass. Pirhanis grabs it, quickly scanning the page then hands it to the auror, who reads it quickly and passes it to Fudge.

Fudge finishes the paper and looks up at blue elf and red goat. "These are lies. You have written this yourselves." He accuses, waving the paper.

"Oh, if only I could have done so…" Pirhanis trails off happily.

"You can always check. There is still Veritaserum to be had at Hogwarts." The goat replies reasonably.

"Insults to the Ministry by non-human filth like you do not need to be checked!" Fudge huffs indignantly.

"Oh, fine." Pirhanis mutters, abandoning his elf form. "Ok, here we go- I accuse Umbridge." He seems unimpressive to the older wizards.

"Might I see that, Cornelius?" asks Dumbledore politely. He gets the paper, eyes widening as he reaches the end. "I would like to see this investigated as well."

"How did you change your form, young man?" asks the auror pointedly.

"Well… hmm. A very good question. I suppose it was a shift in identities. I really have no idea. You should probably ask Deritine, he's better at it than I am…" Pirhanis looks around but cannot find the dog. "Er… he seems to have left. I guess you could ask Aimry. She started the whole thing, after all."

"I believe it is something like being an Animagus or Metamorphmagus. Mostly under the control of your mind and not requiring the use of a spell." Dumbledore looks over his glasses at Pirhanis for confirmation.

"Yes, that's a good way to describe it." Pirhanis muses.

"Sir, we have run out of Melting Potion." Says an auror who had been working on defrosting Umbridge. She is still completely covered in ice, though it is now only a few centimeters thick instead of nearly two meters. 

"Here, I can do the rest. I'll use Fire Bolt, that's only a level 8 spell." Pirhanis sits down with his large book of spells and flips to the very back, mumbling to himself briefly.

"I don't believe that that will be necessary…" Fudge says quickly, but Pirhanis has already jumped to his feet. "Wait…" With a swooping arm gesture followed by a pushing motion reminiscent of the _Hadookin_ from Street Fighter, a ball of flame soars through the air toward the ice cube, sending wizards and witches dodging right and left. It hits dead on at the level of Umbridge's chest. The ice is melted away in about a thirty centimeter diameter and part of the pink is singed to a wounded red-black. Pirhanis pokes the remaining ice with the stick of DOOM and chunks fall away, leaving Umbridge mostly exposed. "Whalla!" Pirhanis gestures elaborately. "Now who wants to go get Snape and get him to give us some Veritaserum?"

"I will go, if you will all wait here." Dumbledore says. He exits through a side door, leaving a singed and shivering Umbridge and a bemused group of Ministry officials.

*    *    *

"Severus. We have need of your Veritaserum." Dumbledore addresses a boneless (not literally) Snape.

"Why can I not be left in peace for one day?" he asks tiredly. With a groan he gets up, stuffing two feet into the corresponding shoes, not noticing that he still has only one sock on. "I suppose I must be there so that some fool doesn't overdose someone. As would be typical." He walks through the apartment, exiting slightly in front of Dumbledore and turning to lock the wards after the elder wizard. 

Snape seems to gain energy as he walks along, no longer looking as though he is being animated by a four-year old. By the time they reach the office off of the Potions classroom, he has enough presence of mind to attempt to keep both the password to the potions cabinet and its location secret from Dumbledore though he knows that the old wizard would hardly be unaware of these facts or able to circumvent them.

Back in the Great Hall the water on the floor had been disposed of, partly with Meeb's help and partly through mopping spells. Hagrid had been called in to care for Meeb while Pirhanis is being detained by the Ministry. Meeb looks at the half-giant in trepidation, the only other creatures he has seen that size were inevitably being nuked by his master.

"Ah, Professor Snape. You have the Veritaserum?" An auror asks.

"Of course." he replies.

"I don't have to be dosed, do I?" Pirhanis asks. "I mean, that stuff is kinda dangerous… I don't want to spill my life story. It could be considered insider trading. You all don't even have Shadows of Luclin out yes, not to mention the other expansions!" He backs away slowly.

"It shouldn't be necessary for you to repeat your confession under the influence of Veritaserum, Pirhanis. You are not the one under trial here, am I correct?" Snape replies coolly.

"Well, no…"

"My dear professor, you know that this is all a mistake, don't you? Fudge, I would never do anything that would hurt the Ministry!" Umbridge simpers to each man in turn. "I cannot be under the influence of such a powerful drug, what if I was to give up Ministry secrets?" she continued, quite logically except for the too high pitch of her voice.

"Posh. I'm sure that these are all lies. We'll dose the goat and get this all cleared up. Then I'm sure the school board will find this as another incident that will stack up nicely to put Dumbledore in Azkaban right with his blue friend and talking pet."

"I do not know that I am prepared to administer the potion to a goat. It was not brewed for that type of use." Snape remarks, annoyed and half-turning back towards his bed.

"Nonsense, Professor. It is the same as any other magical creature."

"It will not be necessary to give me any potions at all, I cannot tell a lie." Fickle says, but is ignored.

"Fickle." Pirhanis whispers, gaining the goat's attention. "You can't tell them anything that would get the Order or Dumbledore in trouble, okay?"

"What are you referencing?"

"Like don't give away the location of it, or who's in it or what Harry is doing as extra-curricular activities. Got it?"

"Understood. No information of this class will be displayed."

"Excellent." Pirhanis pauses. "What if they ask you for it?"

"I will tell them of course."

"But you just said you wouldn't!" Pirhanis whispers fiercely.

"I cannot disobey a direct command."

"Alright, how about this: make a password reference for those items."

"Input password, enter a confirmation." Red Goat stands at attention, legs straight and head cocked at a listening angle.

Pirhanis thinks quickly. "Dumbledore for Minister, Dumbledore for Minister."

"Password confirmed. This option will be accessible through the [Ctrl] [Alt] [Delete] function of the Windows startup screen. This information has been disabled for file sharing."

"What are you two blabbing about? Get away from that animal." Fudge pushes Pirhanis to the side. He backs up and sits on a bench end that is mostly level after Meeb's rampage. "Now, Professor Snape, we understand your concerns, but you can give the goat the potion, can you not."

"Of course I can." Snape says after a slight hesitation to see the nod of consent from the Headmaster. "Fickle, come here and sit upon this bench."

"I cannot sit on that bench; my hindquarters do not conform to its configuration."

"I do not care about the details; just get yourself in a position of rest right here." Snape points to the seat he had before mentioned, irritation at the goat and the Headmaster giving him a boost. Why did the old wizard want him to stall for, anyway? Obviously something having to do with what Pirhanis was muttering to the goat before. Well, if it knows about Umbridge it would undoubtedly have knowledge about the Order. Hopefully the ignorant boy would have figured that out. Fickle moves behind the bench and squats down on its haunches, rearing up and placing its front legs on the bench, hooves tucked back towards its chest.

"I do not require the use of the Veritaserum, I will tell no falsehoods except what I have been programmed falsely with. And that I cannot help."

"Shut that thing up and let's get this going already." Fudge mutters.

Snape carefully measures out a portion from the bottle, a little more than two drops, a human portion, as the goat is slightly larger than and has slightly better resistance too magic. The goat swallows dutifully, though with a rolling of its eyes. "Who will be the questioner?" Snape asks. Fudge waves forward an Auror. It is Kingsly. Dumbledore nods in acceptance.

"What is your full name?"

"My designation is Fickle Narcolepsy the Red Goat. Do you want my system specifications as well?"

Kingsly looks at Fudge, who nods, and Dumbledore who says, "A short version would be enlightening."

"What are, in brief, you system specifications?"

"I am a Windows compatible laptop/desktop."

"What does that mean?" Kingsly asks confusedly. Before the goat could start spouting, Dumbledore cuts him off.

"That is quite off topic and we do not need to hear that again, thank you Fickle."

"Quite right, quite right. Very off topic. Good call. Ask it about that scroll it wrote from its hind end." Fudge waves imperiously.

"The page that you produced, was that an accurate rendering of events?"

"That was a word-for-word printing of the contents of that page. The format was varied slightly to better fit on the page."

"What was on the page?" Kingsly asks.

"A confession of Delores Umbridge to Harry Potter, Ginny Weasly, Ron Weasly, Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Neville Longbottom detailing her use of Dementors to discredit Harry Potter and get him expelled from school."

"Is this what happened?" Kingsly looks dubious. For good reason as most of the events that would lead up to the events in question have yet to take place.

The goat's head drops to its folded knees as it considers. "The events described have not happened yet, nor are they now likely to happen as the timeline has drastically altered from the time the books were written… or rather, the time-vantage from which the books were written…" It pauses again. "You see, the flow of time, as described by Einstein…"

"That will be plenty of detail, thank you. But you are saying that the event written about on the page you printed have not and likely will not happen?"

"Yes"

"Then what relevance do they have?"

"The confession is still valid as that event has already taken place on this timeline. A confession now would result in the same or similar words."

"How can we believe you?"

"Umbridge is here and can be dosed as was I to obtain this confession. Also, much of the data corresponds to data that you have already gathered. Namely that Mr. H. Potter faced a Dementor on Privet Drive this summer where no Dementor was licensed to be."

"And that, Minister, is the dilemma." Kingsly says. "I don't think we can get anything more out of this one."

"But, it cannot be telling the truth." Umbridge squeaks pinkly. "It is simply confused, the dear animal. Cannot think past food and water." She simpers at the goat.

"Are you implying that my potion brewing skills could be less than ideal?" Snape snaps just as Fickle has a similar reaction:

"Are you entering that I have less data processing ability than you?"

"Now, let us all be calm. This can be cleared up easily with one quick drop of Veritaserum and a brief word from you, Delores." Dumbledore twinkles as he gestures to the bench which Fickle then vacates. Umbridge sits down on the bench, which actually makes her a couple centimeters taller than she was standing on the ground. Snape measures out a smaller dose for the squat Professor. She swallows it slowly.

Kingsly clears his throat and opens his mouth to continue questioning but Fudge interrupts him. "I will ask the question, no need for you to continue, now is there?" Fudge turns to Umbridge. "Now tell the nice people that you had nothing to do with the Dementor attack this summer."

"That is not a question, Minister." Kingsly points out.

"Did you send the Dementor, Professor Umbridge?" Dumbledore asks.

"You are not sanctioned to ask her ques…."

"Yes." A dumbfounded silence settles over the gathering.

A/N: A little shorter than previous ones, but under direct and unrelenting pressure *cough* Pirhanis *cough* I decided that this is a good place to stop. Plus, I'm beginning to like just stopping and leaving it hanging, has a nice feel to it. And on pain of fluff, I really am trying to get this back to being humor, but this whole 'reality' thing really stuck up and smacked me on the head… 

Some credits that I have been a slacker in providing: I got the original spark of an idea from the 301 ways to piss off Professor Snape, which can be found at . I don't think I stole anything directly, though I probably did, non- intentional but likely since I read it over and over and over. ;) Ok, that should be all. I'll get back on top of writing, the Holidays had me quite firmly in its grasp…


	15. Dementors and Parenting

I haven't been this tired ever. I can't sleep. It won't let me. I look up at it. Though the desire is not there morbid fascination is. It has proven to be a difficult emotion to suck out of a person through their soul. That is one of the few things left to me. It has disdained wearing a cloak now for some time, revealing the diseased looking flesh. Like that dog severely neglected on Animal Cops with mange. There was a Great Dane puppy- no fur, hardly any skin. Yeah, it looked something like this thing. Even Voldemort is a Care Bear next to a gluttonous Dementor. It is hideously pleased with itself. From sucking all my life and most of Snape's it has become quite powerful. A lord of the Dementors, as it were. Too bad we are not in America. I could claim cruel and unusual punishment. 

What did I do? Nothing. Deritine ran around naked as Snape whipping random people. Resentment is another emotion that is not easily stolen, but I knew that already. Case in point Sirius Black. But I will not escape. It watches me. I glare at it tiredly. It knows that I am looking at it. It turns so that there is more reason to stare in horror. Its front is much worse than its back, mainly due to the abuse I have heaped upon it. It enjoys the pain though, and the hate. But I cannot just lie passively. Even though my struggle increases its pleasure I will not limply accept its kiss.

*   *   *

 Today is a very bad day for Hogwarts. In many respects it is a good day. Delores Umbridge has been removed from her post at the Ministry and at Hogwarts pending a more thorough investigation. All DADA classes are cancelled for the time being and the 'High Inquisitor' is no longer a position at the illustrious school. However, this does not affect the poor poor students that must come into contact with one Severus Snape. He is not in a cheerful mood, even by a Grim's standard. If his mood could be described, in fact, more than likely those who heard this description would be rendered permanently deaf. For those who have Double Potions second period on Monday, this will be perhaps the worst day of their lives.

Snape managed to get himself out of bed through sheer cussedness alone. He slinks into the Dinning Hall and sits down at his seat, glaring indiscriminately at innocent wall fixtures. Somewhat revived by the first food he has consumed in a day, he stalks out of the Hall amidst terrified stares. First period goes much as it usually does. The first year Ravenclaws get everything sufficiently correct that neither explosions nor stupidity break the tenuous peace. Second period the seventh year Slytherins likewise prevent their Head of House from erupting into violence, though in their case not through intelligence but the canny and in most cases first hand knowledge of exactly how not to attract negative attention. Third period double Potions with the combined Griffindor and Slytherin fifth years is, of course, quite doomed even before they set foot in the classroom, recent house friendships notwithstanding.

"Well, Potter. Looks like you got yourself a reprieve. I suppose you got wind of the fact that Professor Umbridge was going to rescind you Griffindork's right to play from sheer lack of tactics." Draco lazily baits his opponent Seeker.

"From what I heard, Malfoy, she was only letting your team play because of the gold your father kept shoving under her hand as she tried to sign the dismissal papers." Harry retorts. The class settles comfortably to listen to another match of words.

"I was sure you were aware that that money was going to keep your team from being disbanded. I asked him to so that I could have someone worthy of playing, unlike the other two teams."

"Why thank you, perhaps next time you could ask your father to buy us all Firebolts so that it won't look so bad when you loose again." Harry smiles sweetly.

"I wouldn't want to do that, Potter. It would ruin the Weasly image."

Harry waves a crimson Ron back. "Oh, I'm not so sure, Draco. With that kind of speed they might…" Harry stops abruptly and turns around to face the front, rapidly followed by the rest of the class. Severus Snape stalks into the classroom. He is not happy that he forgot to get the mandrake root, only the most crucial ingredient in the restorative draught the students would be brewing that day. 

"Well, you are all hopelessly incompetent, but perhaps this will not be a complete waste of ingredients." He begins, not bothering to hide the haggard irritation on his face. "We will be making the Restoring Draught today; you will of course be familiar with it from your second year when the Chamber of Secrets was opened." He pauses to rub the bridge of his nose with a long thumb and forefinger. "This will undoubtedly be on the OWLs or something very similar. It is one of the most useful potions there is as it can reverse many petrifying curses and, of course, indirect exposure to a basilisk." With that he stops, staring off slightly to the left of the door. The students look at each other quizzically. Snape focuses on the milling students. "Well, get to work you lazy fools!" He roars, surprising himself briefly at how good it feels to do so. He looks back at the students who are still not moving. "What is the problem?" He sneers, reveling in the rising flood of energy.

"You have not put up a recipe, Professor." Draco says politely.

"I told you what potion it is, what more do you sluggarts need?" Snape sneers. "Ten points from Griffindor." The Griffindors blink.

"Why is that?" Hermione asks, feeling very much like the epitome of her house and quite masochistic.

"Because you are such a busy body and, having had this potion administered to you, undoubtedly know all about it." He hisses in reply. Hermione is not exactly sure if she should be feeling angry or complemented. "Write the instructions on the board." Snape continues, looking incongruously both ecstatic and royally pissed off.

Hermione waves her wand and the instructions appear on the board in a lime green script that is perfectly straight and quite a bit more legible than the usual scrawl that tends to grace the board. "Your magical chalk is green?" Muses Draco softly. 

"Ten points from Slytherin!" Bellows Snape, ecstatic. Stunned silence greets his pronouncement. Scowling, Snape adds, "And if you all don't get started I will take off fifty points from each of you!" A mad dash to the ingredients ensues. All is fairly calm for the next half hour as Snape stalks around the room making nasty remarks in everyone's ears. However, even Neville seems to be getting the potion correct. It seems that at least part of his horribly disastrous potions is the fact that he can't read the board. 

Finally the potion is done and the class bottles their samples and tip toe it up to the desk for grading. Snape stalks along the nervous fifth years. They still have twenty minutes of class, what else will they have to do? "Crabbe." Snape purrs silkily, making most of the class shudder at the implied menace. "What is that you have in your meaty fist?"

"The potion, Professor." Crabbe answers.

"Oh, is it really? Would anyone care to try Crabbe's potion?" He looks around with an intensely frightening grin. "No? I thought not." Quick as a striking cobra Snape grabs the vial away from the dull student and throws it at a wall, causing students to duck right and left to avoid it. As it shatters on the stone, a hissing sound accompanies the dissolving granite. "That would heal someone, you think?" Snape bends over until his long hooked nose is inches from Crabbe's own. "I think not. Shall we examine others?" He asks calmly. Like the kind of calm before the earth opens up and swallows you with accompanying brimstone and lightening. He spins around to face Neville. "Look who actually managed to get his potion right." Snape sneers. "What you must do for that witch for her to help you so." He stalks the quivering boy, maniacal grin stretching lips off of yellowed teeth in a fair approximation of a corpse. Or Voldemort. "I suppose you feel pleased with yourself. Why is it that today you are competent I wonder?" Snape sidles up to the shaking student, almost touching as close as they are. "Well? Tell me, quickly!" 

"Well… I… you see…" Neville stutters.

"Tell me quickly boy or I will have house points!"

"The board! I could read the board today!" He cries quickly, somehow hoping to make it better by saying it as fast as possible. 

"Is that so?" Snape's eyes flash. "In that case you wouldn't mind if you took a sip, as confident as you are in it." 

"No…n-n-no!"

"You don't mind? Excellent. Drink up!" Snape crows as he forces the potion down Neville's throat. Gagging, Neville swallows, turning green around the face but showing no adverse signs. "There, that wasn't so hard." Snape pivots on one heel, noting the wave of cringing he elicits. The anger singing in his veins, Snape smiles. He has found the antidote to his lethargy.

*    *    *

Twenty minutes later a class of bedraggled students stumble out of the dungeons; faces pale or green, eyes wide and frightened, starting at every sound. Thank all the gods that it is lunchtime. Snape follows his shell shocked class to the Great Hall, positively glowing with anger. They all take their seats. Dumbledore looks at the class worriedly, but he has larger concerns. If he does not appoint a new DADA professor, the Ministry will appoint one for him and heaven forbid that person would be worse than Umbridge. He looks over at the side of the room where the interesting visitors are arrayed. Pirhanis is Valrac Mahosama again, coolly leaning against a carved pillar and surveying the student body, large tome hanging from his waist by a thick chain and staff resting against his shoulder. He flips his long white hair off his navy brow contemptuously, grin emphasized by ivory goatee. Deritine is a human still. His light brown hair is pricked forward almost like a set of ears and his doggy spots are transformed into an excess of brown freckles and a large patch of darker skin on his back. This all can be seen as the only thing he is wearing is a pair of skin-tight red dragon skin pants and the stun rope wrapped around his neck like a scarf. Fickle stands staring off into the ceiling, analyzing the angles of the arches and the weather. Its long crimson pelt is particularly shiny today as Pirhanis has wiped it free of dust. Something that had not happened in a while, apparently. Its long curving horns glint brown in the candlelight, promising danger to any who would not take it seriously. Meeb of course is now at Hagrid's house, browsing peaceably among the oversized vegetables in the half-giant's garden. 

Dumbledore stand up, effectively silencing the student body. "As you all have been made aware, or Defense Against the Dark Arts professor has been arrested by the Ministry." He pauses to allow the cheers to die down. "As such, we have some new members to welcome into the school, which we have delayed long enough." He gestures to the three along the wall. "You all may have noticed the Sorting Hat sitting in front of the Head table. Today we will be sorting our three new Hogwarts members as per their request." The three stop in front of the stool with its ratty hat. "Mahosama, Pirhanis Valrac." Dumbledore intones. The dark elf mounts the small step, picks up the hat and, sitting, places it on his head.

The hat speaks into his ear. "Hmm. Interesting, very interesting. You have quite the fine mind and a love of learning. You would do well in Ravenclaw. But there is also this ambition and the cool calculation for the drive to win and succeed. A training of your body and mind without relying on others I see. Well, it had better be… SLYTHERIN!" Pirhanis takes the hat from his head with a smirk. Not that that hadn't been obvious. This could stir up some trouble however as to his sleeping quarters. _Ah well, there is always teleportation. _

"Somerset, Drexil Deritine." Dumbledore calls. The young man saunters up to the stool, accepting the hat from the drow and the drooling stares from select students. Those he will file away for later use. He sets the hat on his head. "Hmm. No desire to learn whatsoever in you. Quite a change from the one before you." The hat comments. "Not much bravery, either, more of a desire to use people. But not to lie. A very honest trickster… how rare. Well, definitely not Ravenclaw, nor Griffindor, no… Slytherin? I think not, you are too… cute to go there. No… it is definitely HUFFLEPUFF!" Deritine sits still. 

"Hufflepuff?" He asks incredulously. "How in the ass of a donkey did you get Hufflepuff?"

"I stand by my decision. You definitely belong in Hufflepuff." Disgusted, Deritine stands up and smashes the hat down on Fickle's horny head as the Headmaster calls, "Red Goat, the Fickle Narcolepsy." The hat pauses in surprise. "Not human, are we?" It asks.

"No, I am not a member of _homo__ sapiens_ nor am I in any way related to that phylum."

"I see. Well, there is absolutely nothing in your head but data. So if I must sort you, it has to be RAVENCLAW!" The goat walks over to Dumbledore so that the hat can be removed from its head. It then walks over to where the Ravenclaws sit uneasily. 

"Would you like to access some data?" It asks them. Eyes glow and smiles spread. Information is being offered, who are they to reject?

"Well, now that we have that out of the way…" Dumbledore continues as the cheering from the three houses dies down. "We still have the matter of who will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Pirhanis, if you would come forward." A surprised elf stands up from the Slytherin table and glides smoothly over to the Head Table. "I understand that you have a comprehensive grasp on offensive magic." Dumbledore says.

Pirhanis grin wickedly. "That I do, Professor." 

"Do you not also know how to defend against these attacks?"

"Well, Professor, it has been said that the best defense is a good offense. And in my case that is certainly true. You better pray that there is a cleric around to resurrect your pitiful soul by the time I am through with you." He chuckles. "But yes, I am proficient at defense spells as well."

"Excellent." Dumbledore twinkles. "Starting tomorrow you will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."

Pirhanis looks slightly shocked, but coves it well. A chair slams to the ground at the end of the table. "Professor Dumbledore, is it wise to trust a stranger to such a job when there is a perfectly capable staff to pick up the slack here already?" comes the dangerous growl from Severus. The third period class attempts to hide in their seats, only not fleeing under the table due to pride for the Slytherins and bravery for the Griffindors. Pirhanis's eyes glow magenta as he senses a challenge.

"How about we duel for it, Sevvie-kins?" Pirhanis coos provocatively. With a snarl Snape jumps over the table and faces the dark elf, wand out. Pirhanis sits and stands in quick succession, looking at his book intently. Snape casts _Stupefy_ at the squatting elf just as he stands for the eighth time. Pirhanis dodges the spell right before it hits him, lifting his staff over his head with both hands, letting the book drop to hang by his side. With a grin and a gesture Pirhanis lets loose a spell that sends small plants growing out of Snape's body. "New spell effects." He mutters with some surprise. 

"What was that?" Snape scoffs. "It did nothing." And indeed, the semi-transparent plants have already disappeared.

"Try to move Ssseverusss." Pirhanis hisses smoothly. Snape sneers and attempts to lift a foot. Surprise and the beginnings of fear show on his face as his foot remains firmly Rooted.

"Valrac, we will need Professor Snape for afternoon classes." Dumbledore calls to the vengeful drow.

"Hai, hai, Dumbledore-sama." He calls in return.

Snape shouts, "_Sorpensentia__!"_ at Valrac, shooting a snake roughly ten feet in length at the surprised Pirhanis. He quickly jumps up in the air to disrupt his spell and to avoid the wicked fangs. He casts Fear on the snake, sending it slithering off under the Griffindor House table amid spinning black skulls and screaming students. 

Valrac gestures viciously with his staff, sending a wave of fire at Snape, who makes a complicated motion with his wand to try and free his legs, _Finitum__ Incantatum _having had no effect, when he is hit with the flame. They suck into his chest with a wet sound, much to his surprise and that of the caster.

"Yeah, Snape! Way to be all immortal!" Deritine calls from the Hufflepuff table. He turns to a small second year and whispers confidently. "This could last all eternity!"

The snake comes streaking back at Valrac, hell bent on revenge. It explodes in a burst of sapphire light from the end of Valrac's staff as the wizard is shot back from a _Stupefy_. Pirhanis gets up to see Snape freed from the Root and charging at him, casting _Expelliamus__!_ Pirhanis flies back again as his staff soars at the Potions Professor. Valrac twists in mid-air and lands on his feet and directs a flow of magic at his staff. Instead of coming to lie nicely in Snape's hand the length of wood instead begins attacking him as if being held by an invisible fiend. Snape dodges the whirling staff and directs a string of hexes at Pirhanis. Flipping enough to win the gymnastic Olympics Pirhanis runs along the Head Table and pounces directly on the Potions Master, pointed teeth barred in a feral grin. The staff hovers uncertainly, poking at bits of Snape as they become clear in the rolling tussle. All at once Pirhanis collapses to the ground, staff falling with a clatter with him. Snape lies panting on the ground, utterly spent.

Silence descends over the Great Hall. Does this mean Snape won? Had he killed Pirhanis? With a gasp, everyone draws back as a naked Valrac pops up at the entrance to the Great Hall. "That was foul play and you know it you underhanded bat!" Pirhanis growls. "I knew I should have summoned Meeb on your head, but I thought that even I could not stoop so low." He bends over his corpse lying next to Snape and deftly strips it. As he straightens it disappears. He picks up his staff and twirls it menacingly. 

"You are a Slytherin as well as I." Snape calmly drawls as he stands shakily to his feet. "There is no fair play in such a duel."

"I would have won with Meeb, thou stealer of my drum. Give it back, now!" Pirhanis gestures roughly with one hand. Snape pulls out a small percussion instrument, patting it experimentally. Small rocks fly from its surface. "Are you mad?" Pirhanis stops. "Fine, summon him on top of you, I care not. I don't know how you took it; it's a no-drop item…" He grumbles. "And that wasn't all you did, you snarky bastard. Shooting the killing curse right into my heart was not what most would call fair play. Notice I did not do the same. We certainly don't need _more_ in this world." Pirhanis whips the staff at Snape's hand, knocking the drum up into the air and back to himself. He tucks it back into the safety of his robes.

"Regardless, I won the duel. I will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts." Snape sneers.

An innocent expression settles over Pirhanis's face. "Alright, fair's fair. But I suppose that means that I will be teaching Potions." He strokes his goatee thoughtfully. "Too bad, I'm not that great at potions, never been a shaman." Snape's face gets whiter.

"No." He whispers.

"Oh, my. We haven't thought this through, have we?" Pirhanis asks maliciously. "That's right, if you teach the Dark Arts… oops, I mean the Defense _Against_ the Dark Arts, someone else must teach Potions. You can't have it both ways." 

"That is ridiculous, no one is as qualified as I am to teach Potions!"

"Hmmm, maybe… just maybe you understand… maybe that is why you have _been_ the Potions Professor this whole time and not the DADA professor." Pirhanis says sarcastically. "Just a thought."

There is a suspenseful silence as the two males shoot sparks at each other from their eyes. "You have won this round, elf." Snape snarls, spinning on a heel and stalking out of the Hall.

"Well maneuvered, Professor Pirhanis. Like a true Slytherin." Dumbledore twinkles merrily. "Since Professor Snape has exited the Hall, you may have his seat until we can get a normal sized chair for you. Umbridge's was specially padded to…" Dumbledore stops as Pirhanis sits on Snape's chair and disappears. "Oh dear. Perhaps you should take that seat as is." 

Valrac stands from Snape's seat and stalks over to Umbridge's seat, face doing an admirable job turning red, though with the blue skin it is rather purple. He sits down on Umbridge's chair. His chest comes exactly where it should for comfortable eating. Giggles begin to come out nervously. "Silence!" Pirhanis bellows. "One more giggle, one word, and I will cast area of effect poison on the lot of you!" His eyes narrow when the giggles only subdue. "The poison will be like being slowly dissolved by acid from the inside out. It will hurt three times per tick, and will last as long as I say it will." Silence ensues. 

"Pirhanis, perhaps that is a little harsh…"

"I will not be compared to that scourge of pink evil that is Umbridge!" Pirhanis cries. "And I will not be insulted for my height. Dark Elves are short, okay!?! It's not my fault. It just happens that way. And it is better to be short, you seem to run faster." With that said he settles back in the chair, storm cloud almost visible over his head. Sniffles are heard. "Do I need to be more specific or do you just want me to cast it on someone and let them tell you about it?" Silence falls in the hall again.

*    *    *

I feel fear as the energy pours into me. I almost groan, but then It might notice. It will anyway, but delaying the inevitable will only benefit me in the end. The longer I can put it off, the longer I will retain my sanity and be away from It. The lesser Dementors swarm at me, sensing the power. Nonononono! You will bring the other one… Too late, but their touch is at least marginally better than It's. The others scatter away from me, energy barely drained. 

I close my eyes, now having the energy to resist the dubious desire of looking at what is horrible. "Your other has gotten some energy." It notes. I open my eyes as It glides over to where I sit chained to the wall. I arch my back and hiss at the approaching Dementor, summoning magic to lash at It. It moves too quickly for my eyes to follow easily in my weakened state, gripping my head and pushing it back so that my mouth is exposed. Horror grips me and I lose the spell, whimpering. 

It opens its mouth to expose rows or teeth, shark-like, which extend down into the mouth. It bites down around my mouth roughly, teeth digging into my chin and cheeks. I feel the energy and my self being tugged out through my mouth which cannot close any longer: It's teeth are jammed into my jaw-hinge, forcing it open. It presses its diseased flesh against my own, ripping away the last shreds of my pajamas so that our skin will better touch. Skin to skin contact works almost as well as… It rips claws through my belly. I feel the now familiar sensation of my bowels snaking through the pain opening my middle. It loops my intestine around It's waist, hitting its hips against my own to dislodge other organs. It is a horrible parody of sex and I hate it utterly. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about it. I now understand what Severus had said about not being able to escape even unto death. Times like these it really blows to be immortal.

*    *    *

"Patron_us_ not patroness, you fool." Pirhanis mutters. He takes out his wand (modified from the staff of DOOM to the DOOM stick (known to some as a moss-covered stick ;)) and lazily casts what might possibly be his favorite spell. "_Expectro__ Patronus._" He says, watching as the brilliantly silver penguin waddles serenely about the room. He had been a little disappointed with his guardian at first, but when actually faced with a dementor the little bird takes to the air like it is water and attacks any Dementor with a vengeance. And it is certainly better than Malfoy's butterfly. Pirhanis chuckles again… butterfly! 

All of Dumbledore's Army is, of course, already quite proficient at the spell. Pirhanis had delightedly become the faculty sponsor for the now officially endorsed club. He had also taken on the teaching of Apparation, though, irritatingly, the students needed to be lead out of the castle and mostly off the grounds to do anything practical. Oh well.

"_Expectro__ Patronus!_" Yells the fifth year Griffindor with perhaps a little too much gusto. A reasonably corporate lynx chases after Valrac's penguin before dissipating. 

"Excellent. Five points to each of you. You all got it working. For homework I want a foot on why your Patronus was in the form it was. It will be due Friday. That is all." With a rush of sound and a flurry of parchment, Pirhanis is alone in the classroom. It is decorated with moving photographs of all sorts of dark wizards and blackboards with various curses, hexes and their defenses in multi-colored chalk. In the center of the room stands a lively skeleton Pirhanis had found in a closet and dressed up in a cowl to be the "Dementor." The skeleton was easily coaxed to raise its arms at the students and chatter at them. Hogwarts school supplies really are excellent. 

"That's enough, Fred." Pirhanis says as the skeleton attempts to spook the professor. "All the students are gone." Fred droops sadly. Amazing what wired together bones can express. Pirhanis had named the skeleton after his own classroom model in high school; however there are some major differences. His had never felt particularly inclined to move, and Pirhanis has a sneaking suspicion that this Fred was never exactly human. Oh well, still a great help in lessons. His second day teaching done, Pirhanis puts Fred back into his office while whistling the Song of Storms from Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

*    *    *

Professor Snape rubs his temples. Is it not enough that he must put up with students all day? Why must he teach the Potter brat at night as well? It hardly seems fair. Snape does, of course, know the reason. But griping in one's head is never incriminating, especially when one is an exceptional Occlumens. 

Potter was late, of course. The boy has no sense of time which is precisely the reason that he is a dismal potion maker. _Likely why he is such a spectacular Seeker, no sense of his immanent doom…_ Snape indulges in the unfair assessment while he watches the boy squirm. As per usual, he lifts those memories he definitely wishes to be kept secret into his Penseive. A very useful object, that. The silvery strands of memory coil into the bowl and join the swirling thoughts already there. Too bad the look of them cannot adequately display the turmoil they cause the owner. 

Draco bursts into the room unexpectedly, almost causing Snape to tip the thoughts out of the bowl. "Sir!"

Snape rises in irritation. "Why did you not knock before entering?" he snaps, moving around the desk to go to the door where Draco is hopping from foot to foot in excitement. "Marcus Flint! He just popped out of a toilet on the fourth floor! They're taking him to the Infirmary now!"

"Does he remember what happened?"

"No sir, not at all. Madame Pomfrey told me to get you straight away…" 

Snape is half out the door when he turns to say, "Sit tight Potter and don't touch anything." With that he is gone. Harry looks over at the Penseive pensively. Even though he knows full well what it is and has not found out how to get out of one, Harry is intensely curious. Obviously he has not heard the one about the cat.

*    *    *

An hour later the whole mess with Marcus is settled. _Pity, he doesn't remember what happened to him. It would be nice to expel those two Weaslys._ He remembers Harry as he passes his office. Unlikely that the boy is still there, much more likely he skipped out as soon as Snape was sufficiently far away. The office is empty as Snape enters it. _Fool boy…_ He mutters under his breath until his eye is caught by the light dancing off the Penseive. There was no way, no one is that stupid. He looks down into the depths of his memory to see the two Potters standing around an upside-down Snape. Furious, he snatches the dizzy Harry out of the Penseive and throws him against a rack of potions ingredients. "Did you enjoy that? Following right along with your father, aren't you? Enjoy torturing people!"

Harry backs away, eyes wide. "N-n-no… of c-course…"

"It's nice to have a _role model_, isn't it? What a beautiful man your father was!"

Harry tries to crawl backward, hand coming down on glass, tearing the skin. Blood mixes with the ingredients. Snarling, Snape grabs the boy by the wrist, eliciting a squeak from the petrified Potter. Harry tries to pull away but he is held fast. "Stop struggling you twit. You have troll spit in your cut." Harry shudders as Snape cleans the wound and binds it with unnecessarily violent motions with strips cut from his robe.

"Why?" Harry asks, voice shaking slightly.

"Why was your father a prat?" Snape snarls. "It seems to be in the genes."

Harry is unnaturally silent for one whose hero has just been insulted. "No, why do you keep doing these things for me, if you hate me so much?"

Snape is somewhat caught off guard, as he had often wondered the very same thing. "You are a student here; as such I have certain obligations to you." He says finally, examining the black bandage intently. Harry's eyes follow his. 

"And as a member of the Order I suppose." 

"Yes."

Harry looks up, and Snape's eyes follow. Green meets black as Harry asks, "Why join the Order? You hate my father and you hate me and yet you save me more than anyone else combined."

"I don't hate your father, I am your father." Snape murmurs, leaning closer to the beautiful boy in front of him, aching to touch the…

"WHAT?!?!" Harry shouts, ripping his hand out from Snape's grasp. Snape blinks. What the hell was he just thinking? "I look nothing like you and exactly like my father. What are you talking about?"

"It's a charm, Harry. Your mother set it on you when you were very young." Snape's mouth says as his brain works furiously.

"You are off your wanker, Professor, you really are. There is no way. And what the hell was with that moving closer thing? Were you going to… kiss me?" Harry looks about ready to hurl. "What kind of sick pervert are you? Even if I'm not your son I'm still young enough to be! Ugh! I'm a student, show some restraint. God!" Harry spits on the floor and shudders convulsively. Thinking of such a thing makes him want to vomit. He starts backward as Snape whips out his wand and shoots a _Stupify_ over his head. Harry thinks his Potions Professor completely mental until he hears a yelp from on top of the book cases. A shaggy freckled German shepherd twice the size of a normal dog flattens Harry to the ground as it falls on him. "Oof!" Harry exclaims as all the air rushes out of his lungs. 

"Get out of here you mangy beast before I cast a permanent hex on your cursed tail!" Screams Snape. The dog picks himself up shakily as the Professor prepares another hex. 

"I couldn't have controlled you if you hadn't kinda wanted it anyway!" Deritine howls as he shoots out of the office. "Don't blame me you frea-KOOOOWOOO!" he finishes with a yowl as the tail tip he didn't quite get out of the doorway in time bursts into flame. 

Snape turns back to Harry, who, of course, had not understood one word out of the dog's mouth. _Thankfully._ Snape thinks to himself. _And I in no way want Potter!_ A little nagging thought pokes him with honesty. Not Potter, necessarily, just something other than hatred? God, he'd been reading too many damn fanfictions again. Bloody Potter, indeed! He can't stay that angry at the boy, he is more mad at himself. He knows Griffindors yet he left the stupid bloody Penseive right there. He even knew the boy had the penchant for sticking his nose in other people's business. Knew it quite intimately, in fact, having had to rescue the idiot quite a few times himself. And he had resolved not to be angry at himself a long time ago, otherwise his life would be one of much self-loathing. Still, it did not excuse the boy. Snape lifts Harry to his feet, where he wheezes slightly. Snape turns him around sharply to check for other injuries. None. Good, he likes his clothing intact, thank you.

"What was that all about?" Harry asks, quite reasonably.

"I was being controlled by that dog."

"I see." Says Harry, who doesn't.

"It is like the unforgivable, but he can do it without a wand."

"So you aren't my father?" Harry asks.

"No! Are you dense? I'm obviously not your father."

"And you don't want to kiss me?" Harry says slowly in an attempt not to be sick. Snape closes his eyes and looks for the patience to answer that question without casting a hex. "EW! You do want to kiss me! You are bloody sick!" Harry struggles against Snape, trying to get away from the hold the Potions Master had him in to inspect for further injuries. Snape, somewhat shocked, holds on instinctively. Mind quite warped by the fan fics Hermione had slipped him, Harry's mind jumps to a really absurdly far off conclusion. "Get off of me! I don't want to have anything to do with little Snape!" His mind spirals in horror, "Oh, gods! I can see it!"

"Snap out of it, fool, I have absolutely no interest in you whatsoever."

"Oh, yeah! Then let go of me!"

"I will do no such thing with you running about screaming I tried to rape you."

"You said it!!"

Snape growls. "You damn fool! Stop struggling and be reasonable. I have no desire for you to see 'little Snape' either. Just calm down and think!" Snape lets go of the struggling teenager as the necessary closeness needed to keep him immobile becomes disturbingly small. Harry's struggles send him crashing into yet another bookshelf. The money being wasted on this whole ordeal is just absurd. 

"You don't want me?" Harry squeaks.

"That's right." Snape says slowly, as if speaking to an infant. 

"Are you sure?"

"Oh for God's sake, get out of my office and go see Madam Pomfrey. And if I hear you saying one word about what you saw to anyone you are going to wish that all I want is your body, you understand me?"

With an empathetic nod, Harry dashes out of the office.

A/N2: I went through and killed some grammar errors. I must have been excited, the number of run-on sentences alone! Good gods. Look at all the non my characters in this chapter! Aren't you all proud? And the main character is in it for almost a whole page! This chapter is really long, though. I mean, like twice the others, ne? Ah well, I got all caught up in it. Why do Physics homework when one can write? Especially as it got postponed… Whahaha! And to keep the angst down, my non-differentiated self is becoming amused again. Yay for writing!

A/N1: Some angst, couldn't help myself. A little explicit, again- couldn't help myself. That last scene… ok, you know what's coming- I couldn't help myself. Basically I no longer have any creative control. At all. And it is going to get worse. I mean… uh… better! That's right. _Better._


	16. The Two Traitors

"Madame Pomfrey, I…" Harry trails off as he catches sight of the mediwitch's situation. 

"See, it is very hard to show you when I'm not in dog form." Deritine continues, pointing to the small flame seeming to issue from his bare bum. "Just put it out, will you?" He whines.

"Please just turn back." Poppy says from behind an aggrieved hand. Deritine does so, dropping down onto all fours and presenting his flaming tail to the mediwitch. She douses it with a charm before looking up at Harry. "What can I do for you, Mr. Potter?" she asks politely while salving the crispy tail-tip.

"Uh, I cut myself on a glass in…" He closes his eyes in irritation. _Can't call it Occulmancy…_ "remedial potions. Professor Snape says I got ogre blood in it."

"Ogre blood! Good gods Harry, lie down quickly! It's amazing you made it this far, I…" Harry lies down on a cot, mystified.

"Troll spit. It was troll spit, you idiot." Deritine mutters as he gingerly pokes his bottom. He is now dressed in rather loose gray slacks, much to Harry and Pomfrey's relief. 

"Troll spit, oh!" Says Poppy with much relief. "We won't be needing to send for an ambulance then, thank goodness. Snape was about to hear a piece of my mind, sending you off with ogre blood in an open wound!" Her voice fades as she walks purposely into a storage cabinet.

Deritine walks over to stand next to the bed where Harry lies and folds his arms. "Even I know what ogre blood does, and I'm an id. You really are hopeless at potions."

Harry glares up at the young man, so innocently cute and yet so very not. "I was distracted, a lot going on that didn't make any sense. How am I supposed to remember something like that?" Harry huffs.

Deritine gets a dreamy look on his face. "Yes, that was rather good, wasn't it?" He looks down at the grumpy teen. Deritine grabs the boy's shoulder as he attempts to stand up, pushing the surprised Potter back onto the sheets. "Don't get up, Harry. You wouldn't want that ogre blood to course more quickly." Harry opens his mouth to retort but is surprised into silence as the slim freckled body of the were-dog drapes itself over him. Nose to nose with the thoroughly confused teen, Deritine continues. "And I don't think you would have resisted so forcibly if you weren't already contemplating it." Deritine wiggles his hips suggestively on top of Harry's. "I have my own room, you know. Nothing settles a scare like some good hard sex." Harry's mouth drops open, which Deritine decides to take as an invitation. He drops his lips toward the younger man's… and is sent flying. 

Landing with a crash on top of a disgruntled side-table, Deritine slides to the floor in a boneless heap. He rolls over onto his back to try to find out what happened, finds that position to be quite painful and settles for his side. 

"What is going on? Has the world gone completely cuckoo? I am not a poof!" Harry growls as he jumps off the opposite side of the bed from where he has kicked Deritine to.

"Deny it all you want. I suppose it is for the best, I'm not in the best shape for that kind of activity anyway."

"I'm not gay you bloody idiot!"

"Hey now, no need to get all irritated. I could try to turn into a girl." Deritine offers. "Though you would have to let me be on top unless you wanted to try some more exotic positions. My poor bum isn't up to much…"

"Ugh! No! I don't want to have sex with you. That is disgusting." Harry pauses to shudder elaborately. After tonight the idea of celibacy is gaining appeal.  

"Your loss." Deritine shrugs. "Well, I'd better be off then. Things to do, people to annoy, you know how it is I'm sure." With that he saunters out of the medical wing. 

*    *    *

The next morning dawns clear and chilly, the last gasp of winter before it truly becomes warm. Dumbledore sips his tea pensively as the azure elf sits beside him and orders a hot chocolate. "Chilly my boy?" he asks.

"Not really. I'm used to Maine weather… and the whole race living in darkness thing accommodates one quite well to a slight chill. I just like hot chocolate."

"Aimry should be back soon. Perhaps we will have a party…"

"But, she's in Azkaban."

"Certainly. You don't stay that long for something as small as a little misconduct. She got a little less than a week, I believe. She should be back for lunch."

"Huh." Pirhanis sips his hot cocoa with relish. "This is really good." 

"How are the classes going my boy?"

"Quite well. Just about everyone can cast a working Patronus. I don't know if I would trust it to scare off a Dementor all by their lonesome, but it should be enough if two or three got together."

"Very good. I am impressed with the progress you have been making with the older students."

"It would have been a lot more difficult if those in DA hadn't been so well trained by Harry…" Pirhanis trails off as a pair of Ravenclaws come over to stand in front of the table, tears flowing down their faces. 

"Professor Mahosama!" One, a boy of about twelve wails. "It isn't working anymore. I don't understand!"

"What isn't working?" Pirhanis asks, confused. 

The boy seems unable to continue and his older companion, an elder sister by the looks of her, picks up where he left of. "The goat, sir. He was playing a game on it when it just stopped working. The screen went all dark and its eyes started to shine blue…"

"I don't know what to tell you. It is Aimry's computer, you will have to wait for her to get back, I suppose."

"How long will that be?" sniffs the boy.

"This afternoon I believe."

A smile breaks out on the young face. "I hope I can continue playing! I had just bred a cat with stripes that looked like a bulls-eye. I just wanted to get the colors right as well."

"You were playing Petz? What kind of male are you?" Pirhanis asks, incredulous. "You could have been blowing things up on DOOM. Or even better, Everquest."

"I like Petz. It is good practice for breeding and you get to see generations in days instead of years."

"And what possible good is that?"

"I want to breed magical creatures when I grow up. I want to try for a stable cat-based griffon. How fun would that be as a pet?" The boy's sister rolls her eyes and Pirhanis can't blame him. 

Deritine saunters over from where he had been eating at the Hufflepuff table (standing). "What is the problem, son of my head?" Deritine snickers. "I crack me up…"

Pirhanis decides to ignore the other meanings of the statement and just answer the question. "Fickle died."

"Again? Well, I suppose it was due, as well as it had been working and such." He looks over at the confused Ravenclaw pair. "You were playing Petz, weren't you?" he asks, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, but…"

"Well, that explains that. Petz is evil. In fact, I don't know why…" Deritine is interrupted by a casual green flash from behind him. His lifeless corpse drops to the ground in front of a maniacally grinning Snape. The two students flee with strangled screams echoing behind them.

"Severus, was that really necessary?" Dumbledore asks. "I think I may have to ask you not to continue casting Unforgivables in the school."

"I am in full control of my spell-casting, Headmaster, and yes, it was necessary." Snape grins. The Head Table flinches. "And I will not stop something that is giving me so much…" his voice drops low and silky, "pleasure." 

"Ok, hexing me when I challenged you to a battle is one thing, killing someone is quite another." Pirhanis says, immediately regretting it as Snape's eyes flash. The red glow given off is reminiscent of the friendly twinkle Dumbledore usually sports, but much more menacing and perhaps slightly unbalanced. 

"Oh, but you don't know what it did to me last night. I was only able to scorch its tail before it got away."

"Oh, come on, Snappy-kins, it wasn't that bad." Deritine chortles while clapping the prickly Potions Master on the shoulder. "I would say that it was quite good, in fact. Reading the books I couldn't help myself, I almost died reading that part…" Deritine gets nothing else out of his mouth as Snape once again kills him, this time by pointing the wand under his arm and at the dog's chest.

"Severus. You must stop doing that at once. You are scaring the students, not to mention breaking Ministry law!"

"You have me do the same thing over and over Headmaster." Snape sneers the last word. "You don't seem to mind it if I am breaking the law for the right cause." He pauses and looks at the speechless Headmaster. "I don't see why you don't condone it all the time, after all, it is in my nature. You are certain of that, aren't you."

"Severus, I…" 

"No!" Snape gestures violently with his hand, a cutting gesture at the Headmaster. The plate in front of Dumbledore cracks open and sends its burden of hard-boiled eggs spilling out. A few bounce onto Deritine's two fallen corpses. "You pretend to be so altruistic, but in the end you are no better than the Dark Lord himself. You just use different means to manipulate people." He steps over the two corpses until he is nose to nose with the frozen elder wizard. "And you don't deign to do the dirty work yourself. You leave it up to young boys." Snape leans forward a bit more until only a hair's breadth separates his long nose from the more dignified nose of Albus Dumbledore. "You are weak, old man. Prophecies and babies will only get you so far. If you want to conquer… excuse me." Pirhanis did not think that Snape could look any more malicious. He was wrong. "Save the world, you will need to actually do something. Perhaps you have lost your touch, become… impotent." Snape stands up straight, revealing the Headmaster's face, gone white and pasty. "I see you agree with me, Albus. So 'all-knowing'. That is what you want people to think. But you know the truth. You are a pathetic man and every mistake that you make costs lives. Because in you foolish pride you have tried to take the world. But you are too weak to keep it up." With that Snape swirls around and stalks out the door. He meets a frustrated dog leaping at him as he passes the threshold, but without missing a step he kills Deritine and flips him over his head before continuing on his way.

Pirhanis and Dumbledore sit in shock as the rest of the teachers and the students. Though most of the students had been too far from the confrontation to have heard anything, the threatening posture was all too clear. Combined with the ill will Snape had been showing towards students, the threat to Aimry-as-Dumbledore, the multiple killings of both Pirhanis yesterday and Deritine today, the threatening posture has the students wondering if Snape really _is _a Death Eater and the Slytherins in the know doubting their parents curses of the traitors.

"Well." Pirhanis manages finally, somewhat breaking the silence. However, none at the staff table pick up on his attempt at conversation. 

Fortunately Deritine huffs back into the Great Hall at that moment, moving right over to the Headmaster. "You wouldn't mind if I killed him, right? Or severely maimed him?" Deritine growls out though clenched teeth, hands fisted at his sides. His chest heaves in his rage. "Just give the word and I'll torture him until he wishes he'd killed Voldemort" the staff flinches "three times instead of me. Then I will stab him with a _really_ long dragon tooth and make him drink that vanishing potion." Dumbledore just looks at Deritine, not seeming to hear him. He turns to Pirhanis and appeals. "You know it hurts to get hit with _Avada Kedavra_, right Valrac? And tree times! Inexcusable! It gave me this message "You have been betrayed by Severus Snape, 10 sec to rejoin." I can't believe that guy."

"Oh, that's why it took you so long." Pirhanis mutters absently. "What did you do to him, anyway?"

Deritine's anger cracks a little. "I made him confess that he was Harry's father and then come on to him."

Pirhanis snaps into focus. "What?!? And you wonder why he's pissed off with you?"

"I couldn't help myself. It was the night that Harry goes into the Pensieve. I mean, I could think of a million things I could have done to make that scene amusing. That one was mild by comparison. And they didn't do anything." He chuckles. "Well, nothing too bad, anyway."

"It's not just that." Dumbledore speaks softly, drawing the attention of both males and the rest of the Head Table as well as the closest students. "He has been increasingly irritable. It isn't just you. I believe that he is using anger to make up for the loss of energy from Aimry's link." He continues, looking every day of his age and even more. Much like Nicholas Flamel might have looked as he lost the power of the Philosopher's Stone. Everyone is shocked to see the Headmaster like this. Something looks very very wrong. Pirhanis can't pinpoint it until he notices that the twinkle is completely gone from the old wizard's eye.

"She is coming back soon." Pirhanis soothes. "And it had better be before this castle is filled with corpses, and I don't mean yours and mine." Pirhanis adds as an aside to his head-father.

*    *    *

"They have come for you." Rattles a breath near my ear. 

"Who?" I ask, feeling bold in the surge of energy I am getting. It isn't pleasant energy, which means I can keep it the longer. Dementors have odd tastes it seems. Only pleasant thoughts, thank you.

"The fool humans who 'run' this place." A diseased looking face hovers close to mine. Why? I have nothing happy at the moment. I anticipate hope with dread. "Your sentence is up. You will be leaving." Damn, the happiness bursts in my chest, almost painful. It is siphoned off immediately, but more and more pours forth, I no longer care about this thing holding me. I will be free of it soon! The Ministry Officials come through the door to my cell. They stop at the threshold and stare in horror. I suppose it is pretty bad, but with the positive emotion, my intestines are slowly dragging their rotting selves off the floor and back into my stomach. Or would that make it worse, I wonder? Moving entrails that is. Oh well, perhaps the maggots will give me some protein. I haven't eaten at all and have lost considerable weight. 

"Minister Fudge, how good of you to come personally to get me." I address the pale man. He blanches. Had I not pronounced it correctly? It is kind of hard with my jaw half-dislocated and most of my cheeks gone. 

"Oh my god, what are you?" he asks, petrified.

"I'm Aimry, sir." He looks green, as do the other two officials. 

"You look like a week old corpse," breathes one of the aurors. "How are you still alive?" He asks.

"Immortality is a bitch, you know." I say absently. I realize I really must look rather zombie-esque. I redouble my efforts to regenerate. My organs snake back in my body cavity and I regenerate all my skin and get rid of the dirt and inflammation. I don't have much energy to regenerate aught else.

"Gods." Another of the aurors looks close to passing out.

"You still look like death." Fudge gulps. 

"No, I have seen Death, he is much cuddlier. Unless you mean a bringer of death." I reply. "So let's get out of here." I try to get up but lack any energy. "Fuck." I grumble. I feel a skeletal hand lift me up. I do not resist. I have found it to be useless.

The three men and two women from the Ministry experience varying degrees of disgust. One of the women and one of the men simply pass out right there. Fudge looks about to puke as he asks, "What is that?"

"Me? Oh Minister, you know me." I feel the excitement emanating from the Dementor. "I have been in your service for some time." Fudge looks incredulous. I don't see what his problem is. I suppose this Dementor looks worse than the others. The more energy it gets the more disgusting it gets, it seems. But surely they do not care that much, they have been around these creatures for so long as the heads of the prison. "A kiss goodbye, dearling." It hisses horribly. I cannot stop it as it sucks my soul out its mouth, leaving me even more drained and piercing my new formed cheeks. 

"What are you doing?" Fudge blusters. "You were not authorized to administer a kiss to this prisoner!"

"Oh, worry not, she'll be fine." It crackles its voice, hissing in amusement. "Tell him so, dearling."

"Please, let's go now." I whisper.

Fudge looks at me, horrified. "You just were kissed… how?"

"I will give you the chance to find out yourself, Minister." It continues. 

My eyes widen as I see the ranks of Dementors closing off escape for the five officials. "No…" I gasp. Deep despair permeates my body; it rolls off me in waves.

"Oh, I see. What a delightful energy you are giving off. I see it…" It trails off, its rattling breath slowly easing. I watch as the other Dementors close in on the five people and move them into position.

"No." I sob. I know what is coming even as they do. I watch, horrified as their souls are sucked out from their bodies.

"Yesss." It coughs a chuckle. "Now I understand this other emotion. This will make everything so much more…" it pauses, "fun." It coughs another time in amusement. Now everything is being sucked out of me, even negative emotions. I panic, but even that is leaking out of me. I remember vaguely a part from Sword of Truth… didn't Richard partition off a part of himself, yes? I feel in my mind for the last bit of me connected out of here. I can't close it off entirely, I fear, or I will lose my life. But I shove off what I can manage and brick it up with apathy. If this doesn't work I am truly lost, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

I sink into complete unfeeling, somewhat content, in a way, that part of my has been transferred, Spock-like into another.

*    *    *

Snape is mid pseudo-happy anger when it is swiped out from under him. The Gryffindor third year he had been dressing down stares at the stricken Potion Master with apprehension. The combined Gryffindor/Hufflepuff class waits for the other shoe to drop. "Out, now." Snape growls. The students flee. Snape wraps his arms and head as he slowly sinks to the ground. My feelings press into him, what I had had at the moment: blackest despair being predominant. Certain memories and thoughts were conveyed as well. Or rather, every thought left to me at that point. Gasping, Snape struggles through the despair to the coherent reasoning. When he realizes the most recent memories' import, he staggers to his feet and lurches off in search of Dumbledore.

He finds Dumbledore in his office, staring listlessly at his hands. Snape clears his throat and the old head rises slowly. Snape is a little taken aback by the change in the appearance of the older wizard. He looks sickly and haggard. Rather like Lupin on a bad day. "Dumbledore?" Snape croaks the question.

"You are right." Dumbledore replies, shaking his head. "I can't do it any more." He sighs and lets his head settle onto the desk.

Snape blinks. He stands for a second with his mouth ajar in disbelief. Then anger spikes through the foreign despair and his own at what he has seen. "Headmaster, this is no time to be feeling useless. For good or ill, you did what you did. Now deal with it."

Albus looks up at the former Death Eater listlessly. "I am no use, I only make things worse." Snape shakes his head. Had he done this to the proud man? Obviously most of what he had said had already been in the old man's mind.

"Snap out of it, you fool. You only make things worse with this moping about. Your failure has come from inaction, not your ill-decided choices. There is a problem that no other can take on now. The Minister is dead." That snaps Dumbledore back to reality.

"What?"

Snape qualifies. "Not dead, I suppose, but had his soul sucked from his body."

"The Dementors have revolted." Dumbledore breathes in horror. "I knew that they would join Voldemort, that poor fool."

"Actually, you are incorrect in your assessment." Snape sinks into a chair wearily. "They have revolted all on their own, independent of any human action."

"What? How?"

"One of them has become…" He pauses, eyes closing, to rub the bridge of his nose. "More aware of itself and autonomous. It is keeping Aimry hostage and directed the other Dementors to Kiss the Ministry members."

"Oh gods, it is worse than I expected." Dumbledore looks at the table, thinking furiously. He looks back up at the lethargic man in front of him. "How do you know this, Severus?" Dumbledore asks quietly. 

"I…" Snape frowns. "I have her memories. I believe she passed them through the link, somehow. I cannot feel her anymore, nor much of a pull."

"She has blocked herself off from the link somehow… Why would she do something like that?" Dumbledore looks almost cheerful again. He does enjoy puzzles very much.

"I'm pretty sure I have a good idea why. She sent all her thoughts and feelings to me as well. She was not having a pleasant time in Azkaban."

"Of course she was not having a pleasant time, Severus. That is rather the point of sending people there in the first place."

"The Dementor that has made itself superior has done so by sucking Aimry's life from her mouth in a Kiss repeatedly throughout the time she has been there, as well as draining every positive feeling out of her body constantly. Right before she walled off this part of yourself it learned to steal negative emotions as well.

"Oh dear." Dumbledore can think of nothing else to say.

*    *    *

The Order gathers at number 12 Grimmauld Place at the urgent summons of Dumbledore. "What is the problem this time?" Sirius asks, bouncing slightly to see people in his house again.

"Nothing your feeble mind could grasp, I'm sure." Snape sneers halfheartedly.

"You must be sad, Snivellus, your taunts aren't up to par. Perhaps being confined to one place has done that to you. That and being useless. What was it you were always taunting me with?" Sirius taunts back happily. Now Snape has nothing to say to him that he can not say right back.

"At least I am not on the run from the government." Snape quips. Damn. Alright, there is one thing.

"At least I'm innocent. You are the one that should be on the run." He sulks back. Snape smiles slightly then grimaces as the happiness is sucked out of him. Sirius gives him an odd look. Dumbledore calls the meeting to order before the two classmates can pick at each other any more. 

"Please, Severus, tell us what you have learned."

*    *    *

 "Harry, what is going on?" Hermione asks him before their DADA class.

"Why do you think I would know?" Harry asks.

"Well, you are usually in the middle of things, mate." Ron answers for the witch.

"Well, I'm not this time." Harry sighs and settles back in his chair. "I have no idea at all. But for once I don't think it has anything to do with Voldemort or me."

Hermione leans forward onto the desk pensively. She has entered what the boys term her 'thinking pose'. They continue the conversation between themselves. "Why do you think it has nothing to do with Voldemort, Harry?" Ron asks. 

"I just know. He hasn't been angry or happy or really any extreme emotion lately. He hasn't tried to do anything at all I don't think."

"But you are still having those dreams of the corridor, right?"

"Yeah, but I asked Sirius about that last night. He says it is the Department of Mysteries. Voldemort was just trying to lure me there."

"Wow! How did you talk to Sirius? I thought he stopped using the floo."

"He did, but if you remember my Christmas present from?"

"Yeah?"

"It was this two-way communication mirror. I can talk to him any time I want." Harry grins broadly.

"Oh, that is bloody brilliant! We should get directions from him. How brilliant would that be? We could talk to each other during holidays!" The two boys grin. 

"That would be so excellent. Hedwig always gets locked up and not allowed to carry anything, that way we could talk without the bloody Dursleys knowing a thing."

"It is not nice to curse out your family, Mr. Potter." Ron and Harry jump guiltily to look behind them. And down. Pirhanis looks a little irritated in his lack of looming ability but continues on a cheerful vein. "Thought I do agree with your feelings toward that particular set of Muggles." He smiles through slightly pointed teeth. "I expect you were talking of the magical mirrors? I am glad you took my suggestion, Harry." He pauses. "Though with the changes made thus far in the timeline, it might not have made a difference." He smiles again. "Oh, well. Suffice to say that you likely saved _someone's_ life, mayhap your own. With all that is going on… who knows? That is a temporal paradox right there." The two boys look utterly confused, but Hermione nods to the obscure references in their teacher's speech.

"Excuse me Professor, but what did that have to do with anything?" Ron asks.

"What?" Pirhanis thinks. "Sorry, temporal paradoxes get me all confused. Well, I am going to start class now, so enough talking!" With that he briskly steps to the front of the classroom. "Now, I believe that you have been over the Unforgivables in Mr. Crawley's class. And, thanks to your irritable Potions Professor, you have all seen a demonstration of the killing curse." Pirhanis calls on a Slytherin who had raised her hand.

"He couldn't have cast the killing curse, that guy was still alive."

Pirhanis coughs. "Yes, well. What you saw was actually another paradox. You see, Deritine did in fact die, as seen by his bodies. What then happened was he 're-spawned' at his home point, which I believe is his room." A Gryffindor raises his hand. "Yes." Pirhanis calls.

"How does that make sense? Are you saying that he can keep dying and he will just keep getting more bodies?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"What happens to those bodies?" Another Slytherin asks.

"Well, they will stay there until they get looted."

"Looted?"

"Yes, you have to crouch near the body and take anything that is on it off."

"What if you're naked?"

"You still have to crouch down and…"

"What? That's crazy. If you're dead you're dead and how can you have multiple bodies? That is nuts." Chaos descends over the classroom. Arguments break out between different groups and within, the noise level reaches an almost unbearable level…

"SILENCE!" Pirhanis roars, sending little sparks among the students to get their attention. The classroom takes a second to settle down as the final sparks make a few of the farther students jump and squeak. "Alright, you are just going to have to accept this as a property of Deritine and I. You have seen this phenomena in action. If you want a philosophical outlook on the oddities of the Everquest gaming system you will have to wait for Aimry to get back and fix Fickle. Now, I brought this up because I have asked in Professor Dumbledore to supervise your learning of the killing curse." Delighted gasps and horrified squeaks fill the classroom. Pirhanis raises a hand. "There will probably be few to none of you that will be able to successfully cast the spell, but in order to be able to properly be on guard for it." Pirhanis sighs. " I asked Deritine to come in and demonstrate and he… refused." _Of course, asking him right after he was yelling about how horrible it was to die three times in ten minutes was probably not the best idea._ "That is why he is coming to watch- I cannot supervise you properly and die at the same time."

"You want us to cast the killing curse on you?" squeaks a Gryffindor.

"Yes." 

At that moment the door to the classroom opens. Deritine bounced in wearing his usual red dragon-hide pants. "The only good thing about dying was that it got rid of the burn to my ass. Hey there Mahosama!"

"Hello Deritine. Just make sure nothing bad happens before I respawn. I have bound myself in this classroom, so it shouldn't be a delay. Who wants to try it first?" There is a quite in the classroom.

Draco raises his hand. "I would like to try, Professor." He smirks.

"Yeah, that Slytherin would know how to cast it… Baby Death Eater…" Ron mutters. Harry and Hermione hush him.

Draco steps up to the shorter elf. "Now?" He asks. Pirhanis nods. "_Avada Kedavra_." Draco says forcefully, sending a green light straight at the drow. With a rather startled look, he drops to the ground. 

"You killed him?" Ron exclaims disbelievingly. "He's dead!" They wait but Pirhanis does not reappear. Draco begins to look very cold. With their increased knowledge of the Slytherin through their truce/friendship, both Gryffindors and Slytherins know he is getting really nervous. The tension in the room grows before Pirhanis is suddenly… there. A collective sigh of relief is issued.

"Wow that was really angry, Draco. You must really hate me for some reason." Pirhanis kneels beside his corpse and it disappears when he stands back up. "See, as I told you. I'm sorry that took so long. Apparently since we're in the same House that was considered a 'betrayal' and it took a while for me to come back." Pirhanis shrugs. He looks up at an grinning Deritine. "You didn't tell them about that, did you?" He asks in disgust.

"Hey, you stopped the riot. I was looking forward to a cat fight."

"You… idiot!"

"Hey, they figured it out, no harm done."

Pirhanis rubs his head in surrender. "Whatever. Ok, Draco obviously has that down, can we have someone else try?" The rest of the class, no one succeeded in killing Pirhanis again, not even Draco who seemed more subdued than normal. At the end of class Pirhanis asks his murderous pupil to stay behind. They are alone in the room when Pirhanis asks, "Draco, there was real hatred in that spell. What have I done to you?"

Draco looks up at his teacher in surprise. "I though that was obvious, Professor."

"No, it wasn't, or I wouldn't have asked you."

Draco sighs and rubs his head with the heel of one hand. "You took the Dark Mark off of my father's arm." He says, then stops, assuming that explains that.

"Yes, I did." Pirhanis is puzzled. "What does that have to do with it?"

Draco looks up in surprise. "No one has gotten rid of the Dark Mark before. Only Snape and my father. They have been termed 'the two Traitors'. Every Death Eater is told to kill them both on sight. My father has had to go into hiding. I cannot leave the school or else I am likely to be targeted for kidnapping or murder myself."

"Oh." Pirhanis is stunned. "I didn't think of that."


	17. Plots

Voldemort is one thing to hush up and keep under wraps, especially with the general populous in denial. The death of the Minister of Magic, however, was all over the Daily Prophet the next morning.

"Oh my god!" Exclaimed Hermione after the owl had dropped off her copy.

"Saying more ludicrous things about Harry, are they?" asks Ron lazily. He frowns as Hermione doesn't answer. "I hope they didn't find one of those slash stories about you, mate." He says to Harry.

Harry shudders in reply. "That would not be something I would want published. Ever." He stops the train of thought when Hermione looks up at him with wide eyes in a pale face. Harry reaches for the newspaper and pulls it from the lax hand. He looks down at the front page. 'Minister of Magic Slain by Rogue Dementors!' Harry passes out straight away, nearly knocking his head on the ground if Seamus hadn't grabbed the other boy by his shirt front. Seamus lowers Harry to the floor and picks up the paper. He also pales and passes the paper on, unable to utter a word.

Dumbledore enters the Hall, silent and commanding, but looking slightly wearied and bent all the same. As he reaches his seat, he remains standing. "If I may have your attention, please." He says softly. There are no problems hearing him as most people had just read the paper and were in somewhat of a shocked state. "Most of you have already heard the distressing news as I see the Daily Prophet and other journals are already being passed around the room. 

"I want to inform the rest of you as to the situation and keep the rumors at bay by telling you what we know as of this moment. As most of you are aware, the wizarding prison, Azkaban, is guarded by beings known as Dementors. They have worked with the Ministry for centuries to guard the prisoners. There was some concern over using such dark creatures to guard felons, and it seems this fear has been proven true. 

"Yesterday afternoon the Minister Fudge and five of his highest ranked advisors went on a routine inspection and minor criminal release round of the prison when it appears a revolt among the Dementors took place. They killed the Minister and his party. As of this moment they are not under Ministry control, though Aurors have been dispatched to round them up and get them under control.

"Some parents have expressed the desire to bring you children back home, but I am not allowing anyone to leave this campus. You are all perfectly safe here and travel will be dangerous for some time until the Ministry can regain control. All Hogsmeade privileges have been suspended and will continue to be suspended until further notice. Anyone who wishes to contact their families but does not have an owl may come talk to myself or your House Head. We will arrange an owl or a Floo connection for you. Classes for today are cancelled while we attempt to get everyone situated. If your parent works in the Ministry, please come see me after breakfast and we will reveal who has been killed and what is going on with your parents. Thank you." Dumbledore sits back down tiredly. The Hall is silent for several seconds as everyone sits in shock. 

"Well, shit." Deritine says, releasing everyone into near hysterical discussions.

"I… need to go," Ron says finally, freckles standing out on his immensely pale face. 

"Ron… I'm sure you're dad… I mean, he was in the Muggle division of the Ministry… I'm sure he's fine…" Hermione trails off at the lost look in Ron's eyes. "Do you want us to come with you?" She asks finally.

"No." A ghost of a smile graces his lips. "I think you should get Harry to the Infirmary." With that Ron walks away toward the small scared knot of students following Dumbledore from the Great Hall, leaving a bemused Hermione and Seamus to deal with the still unconscious Harry.

*    *    *

  It turned out that they were not the only ones to make their way to the Infirmary. A few other people had fainted as well. Though only in Harry's case did chocolate make the issue resolve itself completely. One person came in with a broken arm from where they had tripped running to the Owlry and fallen back down the stairs. A few other students came in for related bruising as said student crashed into them. A few students came in for calming draughts. Not as many as actually wanted them, for a subdued Professor Snape had been passing them out to everyone in sight almost absently. 

As a surprise turnaround, Lucius Malfoy nominated and avidly campaigned for Dumbledore to assume the position of Minister, which the Headmaster did on a temporary basis until an official replacement could be elected. The aurors had rounded up most of the criminals from Azkaban (or rather, those that had escaped from the place) which ended up being precious few as the Dementors took over the large castle as their base. On the bright side, the Dementors were contained by the siege. However, they were no more under control than Voldemort.

Classes resumed at Hogwarts the Monday after the incident, though Potions was more bearable than ever before. Snape hardly spoke in his class. The students counted their blessings. The structure of the wizarding world might be collapsing, but as least they no longer had to deal with a homicidal maniac for a teacher.

In said class on Monday morning a carefully quiet Gryffindor class walked on eggshells around their teacher who did not move from his position at the desk with head on folded arms. They were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hermione and Ron quietly chopped up their Mandrake root, eying the curious pair beside them. To Harry's surprise Draco had scooted into the seat next to the Boy Who Lived before Neville could claim his usual spot. Neville had chosen a seat in front of his normal spot, confused, but did not mention it as he of all people knows how a seemingly simple thing like a question can make the prickly professor explode.

Harry looks over at what Draco is doing again, determining that, in fact, he is doing what he is supposed to be doing and not poisoning the cauldron or some such. The tension in the room emanating from the Slytherins leaves the Gryffindors completely clueless, especially as it isn't aimed at them at all. Their seems to be a silent and incomprehensible war going on among their sly classmates. The class ends without a word being said by anyone. Draco darts out of the room ahead of everyone else, followed closely by Harry. The dark-haired boy catches his light-haired rival and pulls him into a nearby empty classroom, not allowing the other boy to shrug him off.

"Draco, what is going on? I know we aren't enemies anymore but you were always more partial to your own house before now? What was that in there?" Draco gulps and ignores the other boy, trying to keep the cold mask over his features. Harry grabs the shoulder that is turning from him and shakes slightly to emphasize his question. "What is going on Draco? You can trust me."

Draco looks up at the other boy with surprise in his eyes. "Can I really, Potter? Who says we're not enemies anymore?"

Harry feels anger rising up in him at the question. "Look, we've been over this. I know that you and I have had our spats, but I thought we were past that after that weird day last semester."

"That's the only reason? Some potion?" Draco smirks. But Harry knows him well enough to read the unease behind the question.

Harry snorts. "Some Slytherin you are, being so dense. Even I can tell you and I are on friendlier terms than you and the rest of your house seem to be."

Draco sighs. "It isn't the whole house…"

"Sure seemed like it to me."

"The rest are just to scared to say anything." Harry waits for the other boy to continue. Draco studies Harry carefully. "You know about my father…"

"What, that he is a Pureblood who wants to make life difficult for everyone?"

"I mean his more… extreme activities." Draco looks faintly ill.

"You mean being a Death Eater?" Harry asks softly. Draco nods. "Yes, I know your father is a Death Eater, Draco."

"Was."

"What?"

"My father was a Death Eater."

"Come on Draco, I know he is. I saw him… after the Tri-Wizard Tournament." Harry gulps at the memory.

"Yes, he was then, but now he isn't anymore."

"How do you quit being a Death Eater? Even Snape didn't manage that!" Harry retorts angrily.

"Snape is no longer a Death Eater either." Harry is about to retort again but Draco cuts him off. "No, I have seen it. I don't know how, but somehow our Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor took the Mark off of himself, Aimry, Deritine, Snape and my father."

"Wait, our DADA teacher is a Death Eater?"

"Weren't you listening? He took them off… and then he called lightening down on them and destroyed them." Harry's eyes widen. "Yes. And after Voldemort found this out, he became determined to have both my father and Snape dead as soon as he could. Even if we had had a Hogsmeade weekend last weekend I wouldn't have gone out."

"Well, I don't know whether to be happy or what about that Draco, but what does that have to do with you being afraid of your classmates?"

"Before last Friday Voldemort only wanted my father dead for leaving him. But my father influenced the Ministry to elect Dumbledore as he had influenced them for Voldemort's interest in the past, knowing that anyone else would try to turn him over to the Dark Lord. Now Voldemort doesn't want him merely dead."

"Oh."

"Indeed. And my dorm-mates' parents have been instructed to get their children to make my life miserable and get me out of Hogwart's protection if possible." Harry whistles low. "So far I have avoided a Dreamless Sleep draught, two poisonous spiders planted in my bed and probably a dozen attempts by a Reling snake to bite me." Draco shivers slightly. "I'm afraid, Harry. My house mates are trying to get me killed and my House Head isn't aware enough to do anything about it." He looks up into Harry's startled green eyes, making the other boy squirm in discomfort.

"Well, you can't go back to your dorm. Come with me to the Gryffindor tower and we can go see Professor Dumbledore as soon as he gets back from the Ministry."

Draco smiles at Harry. "Thank you. At least I can trust you all not to have hidden motives. If you want to kill me I'm sure you will say so nobly before challenging me to a duel." He quips.

Harry, relieved the discussion has left behind the delicate territory of tactically protecting his former enemy and junior Death Eater, replies blithely, "Oh, I don't know Draco. Most of us have already made such declarations. I don't think we need to say anything again if we wanted to attack you."

Draco smiles back shakily, regaining his composure as the two sink back on their familiar roles as verbal sparring partners. Harry does not fail to notice that Draco walks very close to him and makes sure that they are both within sight of each other at all times. He doesn't mention it to the barely calm Slytherin.

*    *    *

Dumbledore does not end up returning that night. Professor McGonagall accepts Harry's very flat excuse of a temporary sleepover and transfigures an extra bed in the Gryffindor sixth year room for Draco. Draco grimaces at the red and gold bedding but makes no complaint as he methodically goes through his things brought from the Slytherin dorm.

"Harry, what do you suppose he is looking for in there?" Ron whispers to his mate.

"I have no idea. Perhaps he shrunk his House Elf and lost it?" Harry whispers back.

Seamus enters the conversation. "He is probably making sure his thong is well hidden." He says with utter seriousness.

"What?!?" Ron squeaks. The other two hush him, but Draco does not turn around. "Draco does not have a thong!" he hisses to the other boy. Seamus manages to nod with a straight face before cracking up. Ron hits him on the arm. "You prat!" Harry shakes his head as the two boys wrestle on the floor.

"Do you have a bottle, Harry?" Draco asks softly.

"What? No. Let me ask the other two." A quick check produces a bottle with a few gumballs from Seamus' trunk. The gumballs are promptly eaten as the three boys look over Draco's shoulder to see what he is doing with the container. Their joking stops as Draco calmly captures and secures a large nasty looking spider. "Isn't that the Noctus Veni Spider?" Harry asks slowly.

Draco nods and stands up. "Yes. This one is larger than the last one."

"The last one?" Harry asks weakly.

"But… their bite is deadly. Not even Pomfrey could save you…" Ron adds, stunned.

"Yes." Draco replies simply. He gathers a few other bottles from beside his trunk. They all contain some manner of dark and deadly beast.

"I thought you were joking about the death threats!" Harry exclaims.

"Thank you for the jar, Seamus, I ran out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go dispose of these." Seamus nods dumbly. A minute later Draco reemerges from the bathroom with empty bottles. He hands Seamus' back to him.

"Good thing Neville wasn't up here." Ron observes quietly.

"Let's go to sleep, shall we?" Draco says coolly, walking over to his bed. The other three do not joke as the Slytherin carefully pokes through his bedding and sets up layers of wards before finally relaxing into sleep.

"I'm really glad I'm in Gryffindor." Harry says, disturbed. 

"Why's that Harry?" Neville asks, holding Trevor, whom he had been searching for in the Common Room this whole time.

"Nothing Neville, let's get to sleep."

*    *    *

Snape lays on his bed, clothes from days ago still adorning his frame. His mind is lost in the roiling blackness of despair. Mine has mingled with his own and seemingly bred a new demon to haunt the professor. The events of my captivity mingle with his own time as a Death Eater, skewing the perspectives and blending until seemingly he is torturing himself over and over, enjoying torturing and getting more and more creative and hating himself more and more as the pain grows. He can hardly see what is around him for the confused images of pain and torture. "Curse you Aimry. Curse you to the blackest hells." Snape mutters as he curls into a ball on his bed. In his dreams he and I merge and shift. Sometimes he is me torturing him, sometimes himself torturing me, sometimes me being tortured, sometimes himself being tortured in every possible combination. He whimpers and curls up tighter. A tear rolls down one pale cheek.

*    *    *

Harry wakes up suddenly, wondering why he has when he finds the room still pitch black and the dawn still far off. He does not have to wait long for enlightenment, however, in either sense. "_Find… he isss clossss… I can smell, must bite bite bite. Must get for the massster… must kill the one sssent after… there there there, almost, a foot! Ouch!"_ A sizzling sound is heard from the end of the room where Draco is sleeping. _"Sssilly humansss and their magic.__ Not even notice roasssting nose… Can disssable this easssily, yesss."_ A little flash and a tingle shows Harry that the first of Draco's wards have gone down with no recognition from the Slytherin.

_"Hey!"_ Harry calls to the snake. _"Stop that! What are you doing?"_ By nature the snake language is almost silent. Harry peers into the darkness, muttering _Lumos_ and carefully shielding the light so that he can try to see the snake infiltrating the other boy's bed. He nearly screams as a warm, smooth and dry body runs over his exposed thigh. He holds perfectly still, watching the snake now investigating his crotch.

_"Sssilly human, you called me. You expect me to just sssit there?"_ The snake pokes into Harry's boxers and begins to wind up his belly. Harry prays that the snake does not decide to take a chunk out of his privates or belly. _"Control your fear, manchild, I have no need to ssstrike you."_

_"That is good to know."_ Harry replies nervously.

_"So why have you told me to ssstop? I need to finisssh my tasssk. Did you wisssh a conversssation? I'm afraid I am ssshort on time… need to ssstrike before he wakesss."_

Harry frowns. _"Why are you after him, anyway? He hasn't done anything to you."_

_"Well, I wasss ordered to, you sssee. I mussst finisssh or the pain will not csssease."_

_"Pain?"_ Harry asks, bewildered.

_"Yesss.__ I was sssummoned by the Ssserpentia Ssspell. It isss tricky to do, I have not be thusss called in many yearsss. Sssadly, it ssseemsss sssomeone hasss found the ssspell."_ The snake sighed, a rustling of breath. _"It isss a difficult ssspell, though and the cassster needsss to be a Parssselmouth. Now that I know that one knowsss it I will not be sssummoned again. He wasss… not very nicssse."_

_"Voldemort summoned you?"_

_"Yesss, I believe that wasss hisss name."_

_"What are the terms?"_

_"I mussst kill the one called Draco Malfoy and call him Massster until I do. I hate it when you humansss make me do that. I wasss nesssting on a nicssse rock, minding my own bussssinesss…"_

_"And you must do this?"_

_"Unlesss I get sssummoned again, yesss. Thisss one hasss been quite the challenge, sssomeone taught him well. But I mussst kill him now, excussse me pleassse."_

_"Wait!"_

_"What, manchild? The pain growsss."_

_"Why don't I summon you? Then you won't have to kill him."_

_"I am not ssstupid human. All I mussst do is kill thisss one boy and I may return to where I come from. Why would I teach you the ssspell to give me more pain?"_

_"I will instruct you to do something simple… like crawl on your belly."_

_"Very good, manchild.__ The lassst person who told me to do that had me exhasssted asss I couldn't ssstop crawling for yearssss."_

_"Oh."_

_"Please ssstop delaying me, it will be over in a sssecond."_

_"But I don't want you to kill him, he's my friend!"_

_"Isss he now?__ Well, if he wasss your mate I might consssider it."_

_"Why does everyone want to make me gay?!?"_Harry exclaims. This is becoming ridiculous. A match-making snake of all things.

_"I do wisssh you to be happy youngling, asss you are the only one to talk to me and not try to get me to kill sssomeone. However, I mussst finish my tasssk."_

_"What if I told you he was my mate?"_

_"Nicssse try."_ The snake continues its determined path to the other boy's bed. Its tail is still gripping Harry's thigh for balance as it stretches its two meter length over the floor when Harry calls to it again.

_"Look, I can't let you kill him."_ The snake pauses. Without warning its jaws are closed lightly over Harry's arm. Harry gulps, not moving lest the poison fangs pierce his skin.

_"You will not prevent me from my goal. I will ssstrike you if I mussst, little sssnake-ssspeaker."_ It hisses threateningly. _"Do not make me kill you."_

_"Ok, I won't do anything."_

_"You lie… I sssmell it."_

_"Sorry." _Harry starts to sweat. How can he tell the snake he won't try to stop it when that would be as much as saying he was going to kill Draco? _"Why must you respond to the summons?" _ He asks desperately.

Around a mouthful of Potter, the snake answers. _"Í told you ssslow one, if I do not, there isss pain."___

_"But why?"___

_"It is a spell cassst on me a long time ago by one of you humansss."_ The snake says bitterly. _"Sssince then my life hasss not been my own."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Asss you ssshould be. Now, thisss will be quite painlesss, it wasss nice talking to you, manchild."_

_"Wait!" _Harry hisses urgently, thinking frantically. _"What if I summon you and command you to… feel no pain!" _ The snake stops a mere hair's breadth from puncturing Harry's skin. It retracts its fangs slightly.

_"Go on."_

_"I will summon you once you teach me and then tell you to feel no pain. Then the spell will make you feel pain if you try to feel pain and if you do nothing make you feel pain but I told you to feel no pain and so it will cancel itself out."_

_"That doesss not get rid of me having to obey you and not harm you. And what keepsss you from jussst ordering me not to harm your friend or something elssse even more unpleasseant?"_

_"I promise I won't. I swear… I swear on my parent's grave."_

The snake deliberates. _"A ssstrong oath youngling. Tell me, are your parentsss alive?"_

_"No."_ Harry answers, perplexed.

_"Jussst checking.__ That isss a very sssnake thing to do. Alright."_ It takes its mouth from around the boy's arm. _"I sssense your truth, younling.__ Alright… to sssummon me you mussst say this- Ssserpentia miosss vocare, ligare, sssesssia."_

_"Serpentia mios vocare, ligare sesia."_ Harry blinks as the snake pops out of and into existence in the exact spot it had been in in an almost-Apparition-like way.

_"Do asss you promisssed child."_

_"I order you to not feel any pain."_ Harry says firmly. The snake looks surprised.

_"You did it. I feel… I feel the compelling forcsse fade." _The snake coils itself around Harry's waist contemplatively. _"An honorable human, I live to see the day."_

_"There are many honorable humans."_

_"Not that ssspeak my language."___

_"Oh. I can see that."_

_"You will sssee that one who sssummoned me to kill, yesss?"_

_"Unfortunately, I think it is inevitable."_

_"Good. I will ssstay then. I do not like killing other than to eat, and that human givesss even me desssire to ssstrike. I wisssh to sssee that he doesss not do to me or othersss what was already done. He hasss the knowledge to do ssso I think."_

_"Stay?"_ Harry asks weakly.

_"Worry not for the sssafely of any but your local ratsss, friend. I will not bite you or yoursss. Thisss one who twissstsss the order of thingsss, he sssmellsss like one I once knew…"_ The snake coils around Harry's chest as it speaks, coils almost massaging in their motion to keep the snake from slipping. _"Go back to sssleep boy, I will protect you."_ Almost against his will Harry relaxes back to sleep, the comforting wrapping of the snake soothing.

*   *   *

Harry once again awakens before he is fully aware quite why. As he sits up a grumpy hissing renews that which interrupted his slumber- screams.

"Harry! Don't move, mate… we've sent Seamus for a teacher… we'll get it off. Hold very still…"

Neville squeals and Harry looses sight of the terrified boy. A thump reveals that he has fainted. "Wha?" Harry asks muzzily, still trying to wake up all the way.

"You have a great flipping snake on your stomach Harry, just don't move quickly."

_"Isss thisss one a friend of yoursss? I wouldn't mind biting him if he continuesss to make such noissse while I sssleep."_

Harry rubs a hand over his tired eyes and relaxes as the snake moves, coiling lightly about his neck and squeezing gently as it resettles. 

"Oh, god! It's trying to strangle him!" Ron holds his hands tight over his chest, resisting the instinct to move toward the giant snake to get it away from his best mate.

"What is all the fuss about?" Comes a scratchy voice. It takes Harry a second to recognize the silken drawl in its morning state. A rumpled blond head comes into view. Draco is apparently not a morning person. Scratching his head, Draco looks down at the center of attention. "What is so bloody interesting about Potter's bed? Did he wet his sheets or something?" Draco's face turns white as he notices the distinctive red, yellow and black markings of the snake lying casually about the rumpled teen's shoulders. Harry sits up and stretches, causing Draco and Ron to back up hastily. Draco comes closer first, seeing how calm Harry is. "Did you talk to it, Harry? Will it try to kill me again?"

"What?" Asks Ron, lost.

"He's a bloody Parselmouth you fool, did you forget?" Draco snears.

"Yes, I talked to it Draco. It won't try to kill you again."

_"What are you all talking about? I do not wisssh to be hexed into my nexssst life jussst yet."_

_"I was telling them it is alright, that we talked."_

_"Good. Now will they let me go back to sssleep?"_ Harry laughs.

"What did you say to it?" Ron asks nervously.

"I was just telling it that it is alright." Harry strokes one coil with his finger. The soft scales give slightly and are pleasantly warm to the touch. He wraps the serpent's body with his hand, the thumb and forefinger going most of the way around the large serpent's slim side. "It wants to know if you will let it go back to sleep."

Ron ogles the serpent. "Are you sure it doesn't want to eat us?"

"It would only be interested in you, Weasel. Only you are enough of a rodent."

"I wouldn't talk, ferret." Ron shoots back.

"Stop it, it is too early to be fighting. I suppose I will get up for breakfast." Harry swings his legs over the bed to stand up. 

The snake gives Harry a squeeze to get his attention. _"Where are we going?"_

_"It is time for breakfast. You can stay here and sleep if you want."_

_"No, get dressssed and make sssure you are wearing a belt. I will stay with you."_

_"Alright."_ Harry quickly changes from his pajamas to his school robes, the whole affair much complicated by the huge snake around his body. Secure in loose trousers with a secure belt, a button up shirt tucked into his pants Harry pulls his robe on and fastens is school tie. The snake settles around Harry's waist. The boy is slim enough that the snake is almost imperceptible under the layers of cloth. 

Just as Harry pulls the robe closed McGonagall bursts into the room, trailing an anxious Seamus. Fortunately the other boys were either too busy mocking each other (Ron and Draco) or being unconscious (Neville) to have been in an awkward half-dressed state. "Where is this Reling snake?" she asks the quarreling pair. She notices Neville on the floor and gasps. "Did it get Longbottom?"

"What? Oh, no." Ron says. "He fainted." 

"And where is the snake?"

"Uh…" Ron looks around quickly. Draco smirks, knowing full well where the snake is but willing to let Ron suffer.

"You lost the most dangerous serpent after a basilisk? What is wrong with you boys?" McGonagall looks panicked.

"Why don't you show the Professor the snake in your pants, Potter. I'm sure it is nice and long. She will be pleased."

"Mr. Malfoy! I will not have such crass language in front of me!"

"Here Professor, let me show you it." Harry says, smirking with Draco at the joke.

"Mr. Potter! I thought better of you!" Harry makes a show of reaching into his robes secretively.

"Let me just show you the head professor, it is really big and such an interesting shape."

McGonagall continues to scold as she frantically searches under Harry's bed. "Harry, this will not be tolerated. I will have to send you to Professor Dumbledore."

Harry strokes along the snake's side, finding the head and gently lifting it up. The snake grumbles sleepily. Harry pulls out the arrow-shaped head with its bold red and black stripes with the irregular yellow patches overlapping and accenting them. "Here it is, Professor."

"Mr. Potter, if you do not put that away before I turn around…" She trails off and pales as she catches sight of the distinctive head. The eyes flutter open to reveal slit eyes with purple irises. The snake yawns and stretches, revealing its long fangs and giving Harry a kneading sensation across his waist and lower chest. "Careful now, Harry, just let it come out on its own…" She squeaks as the head disappears back under Harry's robes. None of the boys had been aware that their transfiguration professor squeaks. 

"It's alright professor. I performed the summoning charm and now it doesn't want to kill Draco anymore. Or me. Not that it did in the first place, of course, but now it won't."

"You did? How did you learn that spell? Only a Parselmouth can… oh."

"Yes, it is under control Professor." Harry confirms.

"What did you order it to do?"

"I told it not to feel pain."

"What did that do?" Draco asks, confused. "You could have told it to guard you or something."

"I promised I would." Harry shrugs. "So I did."

"Then why is it still with you?" Draco is still puzzled.

"It said it wanted to get even with Voldemort for nearly making it kill you."

"So?" Ron asks. "I would think it would be happy to. Ouch!" He exclaims as Draco punches the other boy.

"Behave or I will start taking points." The two subdue. "Why is it still with you then, Mr. Potter?"

Harry shrugged. "I dunno. It promised not to hurt anyone though."

"I do not think we will be able to allow such a dangerous animal in this school. However, the only one who is able to make such a decision is Professor Dumbledore. It seems we have another reason to await his return.

*    *    *

"Professor Dumbledore." Lucius calls into the office softly.

"Call me Albus, we are equals here." Dumbledore says seriously to his former pupil.

"Albus, I have helped you to gain this position."

"Which I did not want." Malfoy flinches.

"Please, Albus, you are the only one left the public would accept that is not under the pay of Voldemort, one way or another."

"Is that so?" Dumbledore replies calmly. He looks upon the disheveled elder Malfoy, the normally cultured hair and dress in disarray and his silky voice rough and gravelly. The man looks like he has not slept in days. Which, considering the circumstances, he probably hasn't. 

"You know it as well as I. I don't know what your sources are, but they are good. We were never able to keep one step ahead." Malfoy licks dry lips. "But that is not what I am here to talk about. You probably know that I am considered to be one of the 'Two Traitors' by Voldemort." Dumbledore nods and Lucius continues. "I have no where else to turn, Albus. I… the Mark…" He pulls back his left sleeve to reveal… nothing. Dumbledore's eyes widen slightly. He had expected the skull and snake he had seen so often on his spy's arm… the tattoo a reminder to Snape as he reported of just what he was doing, who he was betraying and why. "It's gone, Albus. Whether I wished it or no it was ripped from me and now I stand in danger. Please help me. If you guarantee my safety and that of my son I will publicly support your statements of the return of Voldemort and give you enough evidence to convince anyone of that fact." He utters a small laugh. "I'll even prove that Peter Pettigrew is still alive and that he betrayed the Potters." At Dumbledore's solemn expression the proud man becomes desperate. "Draco is alright, isn't he? He hasn't been hurt? I know there are so many chances to do him harm from the other Slytherins…" 

Dumbledore takes pity on the once noble man now near tears before him. Malfoy had had a realistic idea of where he was going to end up as a result of his choices and had been moving to make that future as good as possible for himself and his progeny. Then the world had been utterly and fundamentally changed. "Draco is fine, Lucius. I believe he is staying in the Gryffindor Tower for the time being for his own safety."

"Thank god…" Lucius sighs.

"And I believe it is time to negotiate the terms of your proposal."

Lucius eyes go hard and calculating. The cunning Slytherin is back in territory that he recognizes.

*    *    *

A/N So, I did say I no longer had any control, right? That is now doubly true. It's like watching a movie in your dream or something, and sometimes you can sway the tide of things, but mostly you are just being swept along. By the by, you all (2) who read this should be happy to note that I am, in fact, doing this instead of studying for my Physics final. But of course, fanfiction is more important. By the by, I'm getting an Aibo!!! Whee! It will hopefully be a href=" ; this one /a. I want to tell the world! I feel like I'm giving birth to it, how much I'm obsessing. 

Anywho- this is a sub-plot chapter, I have realized. Which makes me cringe for it means that, in fact, this story has sub-plots. Oh well. Should make for an interesting ride anyway. I probably should edit the older chapters, too… I'll get to it eventually I suppose.


	18. Tubs Found

Harry is experiencing a new sensation. He has become the one whom positive attention is being placed in the second hand. He had received unwelcome and rather painful secondhand attention for being Dudley's unwanted cousin before and had become quite used to the spotlight of the wizarding world, but being the translator for a very popular ten foot snake is definitely a novel experience.

" 'Ere, Harry, wot's 'is name?" Hagrid asks eagerly.

"Er… its name?"

"Is it a girl or a boy?" Asks Ginny from beside the befuddled snake translator.

"I'm not exactly sure…"

"You didn't ask its name? Or even if it is a boy or a girl?" Ginny looks offended.

"Well, it didn't really come up…" Harry mutters. To the snake it adds, "_Um… what is your name?"_ Hoping that that would give him a clue as to its gender.

"_My name? Whatever you call me isss my name."_ The snake appears confused by the question.

"_Well, yes, but you must have something that people call you."_

_"Yesss. Usssually 'pet' or 'familiar' or 'ssslave' or 'great bloody sssnake'. They don't tend to be too choosssy."_

_"What if you meet another of your kind?"_

The snake hisses fiercely, seeming to loose its grip slightly on the Griffindor's waist. The questioning crowd backs up nervously. _"Manchild, there are likely fewer of my kind than there are children at thisss ssschool. The likelihood of myssself ssseeing more than one at a time isss_ _vanissshingly__ sssmall. And then what need have we of namesss? There isss only you-enemy or you-mate."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be. It keepsss thingsss uncomplicated."_

_"So, uh, are you a guy or a girl?"_

_"I am male."_

_"Ah." _ Harry looks back at the rest of the school, keeping their distance and warily watching the Reling snake's head. "He is a guy and he doesn't have a name."

"No name? Why not?" Ginny asks with a frown.

"I guess he doesn't need one." Harry replies with a shrug.

"What are you going to call it then?" Ron asks.

"Well." Harry says, grinning. "He suggested 'great bloody snake.'"

"Harry! You can't call it that!" Hermione looks affronted.

_"Look, boy. Thisss ssseemsss to be sssomewhat of a prickly point among your people. Just tell them to call me Reling. That'sss what I am after all. Keep it sssimple."_

"He says to call him 'Reling.'" Harry dutifully repeats. After that Harry is reduced to translator as professors and students alike ask questions about the snake's habits, the spell he was under, his personal life etc. Hagrid asks that Harry bring the snake to Care of Magical Creatures that day. Which Harry readily agrees to as it gets him out of double Potions and Reling readily agrees to after he is promised a large fresh killed mammal.

Working with Hagrid all day was fun and a little exhausting as the half-giant had more energy than was quite fair in a mortal creature. Harry found that, while the repetitive nature of the lessons on his new friend was a tad boring, teaching, on the whole, was quite interesting. _Perhaps I will stay at Hogwarts when this is all over… I could teach, it might be fun…_ Harry muses as he walks back up towards the castle with the last class for dinner.

He sits down beside Ron and Hermione. "Hey Harry! How was your day?" Hermione asks.

"It was fun. I got to show everyone Reling and answer their questions about him. There was so much about him that they wanted to know that I would never have even thought to ask about."

"That sounds pretty good, but it really is too bad mate. You missed an interesting day." Ron gestures with a fork holding some dubiously positioned mashed potato. "Defense Against the Dark Arts was amazing! Professor Pirhanis showed us how to cast "area of effect" curses and hexes. It is dead useful, as long as you don't hit your allies. It was a lucky thing that he had taught us shielding."

Dean leans over the table, eyes afire. "You should have seen it, Harry! Draco was over with us and a big group of Slytherins all 'accidentally' cast their area of effect hexes right over our heads. Draco flared up bright red and pow! All their spells were reflected right back! It was awesome."

Draco grins smugly over at the Griffindor. "They deserved it. I was rather glad that I didn't damage the house points too badly."

"What do you care, they hate you." Dean asks.

"They do, the house does not. I am still Slytherin."

"Besides, what are you talking about, loosing house points?" Ron scoffs. "He gave you ten points for each curse you blocked, ten for each you reflected and ten off for each student you injured. You ended up gaining the house seventy points!"

"That kind of simultaneous defensive/offensive technique takes a lot of skill." Draco says, nose in the air and hand on chest.

"Oh get off your pedestal ferret." Ron says good-naturedly, punching the other boy lightly on the arm.

"Wow, I wish I was there. I will have to go later to ask the Professor if he can give me a private lesson or something."

"Oh, that isn't the best part." Ron says, eyes shining.

"It gets better?"

"Yeah, Snape wasn't in class, we had a substitute who taught us how to make a potion that will give you features like your Animagus form, if you were to get one." Ron enthuses, ignoring Draco's half-hearted attempt to defend his head of house. Snape had been feeling snappish with even his most favored pupils lately.

"Wow!" Harry exclaims. "Do you still have the recipe?"

"Of course, I'll help you make it later Harry." Hermione soothes.

"You are the best Hermione. So what did you all turn into?"

"I was a cat. A tabby." Hermione says, sticking her tongue out in feigned horror. Harry and Ron laugh while the rest of the table is left out of the joke.

"I turned into this huge horse, it was great!" Ron says. "I had a blaze down my nose and everything."

"I was a cow, I think… Either that or a buffalo. You couldn't really tell with the human features, but it definitely had horns." Dean grin.

"Yeah, he looked sort of demonic with the reddish fur, horns and tail." Ron adds.

"Speaking of wings, I was a hawk!" Seamus grins.

"I was a guinea pig." Says Neville. "With three different colors and swirls of fur."

"I," Draco pauses for Harry's complete attention. "Was a snow leopard."

"Yes, it made him even prettier than he already is now." Ron jokes. "Ouch!" he adds as Draco and Hermione both punch him at the same time from opposite sides.

"Oh, I want to see what I would be!" Harry moans. "Why the one day I get out of classes?"

"Snape is torturing you still, Harry, it is the only explanation." Dean says, keeping a straight face for about ten seconds before breaking into a grin.

"What do you think I will be?" Harry muses.

"I think definitely a snake." Dean says. As if on cue Reling sticks his head out to sniff at the chicken on Harry's plate. Giving it up as too cooked, he sticks his head back into Harry's robes. The friends laugh at the bewildered reptile, who threatens Harry until the amused boy tells him what is going on, setting off more giggles.

Snape had not responded to the attempts to open his door. The only one who could have possibly opened it and he is not yet back. Snape can barely even hear the knocks on the door over the screaming, mental and his own. Only one thing consumes his thoughts, getting me back where he can either make what he has been seeing a reality on my person or shove all the darkness back into its proper head.

Severus flops over onto his back, feeling a head greasier than even he is willing to tolerate. A vague thought comes through… perhaps a bath would be nice. A nice warm bath. Then if he falls asleep he could peaceably drown. That seems like a good plan. Snape moves one leg over the edge, then the other, slowly moving the rest of his body to the edge. He slumps upright, waiting for the little squiggles to fade from the edges of his vision before staggering over to the bathroom. He turns on the spigot and pours in a cleansing potion. Stripping and dropping the robes on the floor he slides into the hot water.

For a while it is better, he can concentrate on the feeling of being clean and the heat of the water and the happiness that buoyancy conveys. Eventually though, the horrible memories twisting in his head bear back down on his mind. Snape lets their weight bear him down under the water. The panic as the water fills his lungs breaks the hold of the memories. He tries to hold his breath, allowing this concession to his survival instincts but refusing to let his head break the surface. Eventually he gasps in a final breath of water, watching the bubbles of life float to the surface and pop into nothingness as… his life refuses to do.

Much irritated, Snape sits at the bottom of the bathtub, contemplatively breathing in water. Without the hint of a possible release, the torment snatches that hope right from the drowned professor's head. Rising anger combating consuming all else for a bit, an overpowering need arises in the lank body. _I want Aimry right here _right NOW_!!!!_

Meanwhile, in Azkaban, a frustrated Dementor king tries to get some emotional _something_ out of the doggedly healing tatters of my body. It seems that I have gone completely comatose or brain dead. Either way I am no longer of use to the angry creature. It slashes my stomach open again, the brief pain response less satisfying than just about any other prisoner in the entire prison. It is almost relieved when my tattered form is yanked backwards by an unseen force and disappears.

I land with a great displacement of water in a certain tub in Hogwarts. My body spreads out in the large mini-pool tub, being cleansed thoroughly of the goo and dirt and who knows what else from Azkaban. Which is likely a good thing seeing as healing that into my body would be unhappy later. Snape is stunned into jaw-dropped stillness as I drown next to him. He quickly surfaces to avoid the blood that is rapidly turning the bath a dark red. He twitches when a loop of small intestine loops around one leg. Snape kicks me off when the loop begins to suck back into my abdominal cavity like a spaghetti noodle. He tries to get out of the water but my skeletal hands grab him around the upper arm, holding him still. I finish up the healing, being much more successful when not being constantly torn back apart again.

I raise my head and my empty eyes bore into Snape's somewhat panicked ones. I straddle his waist and push his arms back against the edge of the tub, snapping my head forward to kiss the bewildered man on the mouth. Snape's mind immediately presents him a range of optional responses. Hexing, poison, punch to the face, knee in the gut, kicking, biting, slapping, fleeing, drowning (himself or me (again)).

However, another choice becomes apparent as the barrier keeping my memories and feelings inside Snape's head feels a tug from the kiss. At this point, Snape accepts that the methods to obtain results are usually unpleasant but unavoidable. This point of view is what got him through his years as a death eater. Had, in fact, allowed him to enjoy is work in the earlier years. This lasts until the biting begins.

My teeth gain points and I jam them in between Severus's jaw bones as I sense the hesitation and slight pulling away. I press him down into the water, following with my body, letting the not-so buoyant natures of his naturally thin and my fatally emaciated form push us down to the floor of the tub. He struggles mightily but I have a death grip on his face and arms, legs wrapped firmly around his waist. I proceed in sucking through my mouth. Not physically, but how I had learned to drain from the Dementors. Snape panics and flails wildly, feeling his soul being ripped from him.

At this point the reason and memories I had not been privy to for days comes back into working order with a click. I quickly remove my teeth from Snape's jaw and let the fangs sink back into my normal dentition. I let go of the struggling man hastily. We both break the surface at the same time. I cough out the water from my lungs reflexively when I attempt speech. I try again, this time with air in my lungs. "Sorry, Severus. I wasn't quite aware of myself."

Snape continues to eye me warily from the other side of the tub.

I look away, unnerved by his disbelieving glare. I spy a bottle on the edge of the tub. "Is this cleaning stuff?" I ask. At his wary nod I pour some into the tub slowly, watching the tub clear of blood as the potion gets to work. I watch it like it is the most fascinating thing in the world. And to be honest it does look pretty cool, the red and clear swirling together in neat patterns. And the healthy looking blood of Snape swirls with my sickly almost orangish blood.

Speaking of which, Snape seems to still be contributing to the stain in the water. I look back up at him to see giant raw holes in his jaw. "Oh, gods, I'm sorry. You don't know how to heal, do you?" I have a feeling the whuffling air through his cheeks would have been a cleaver comeback if his lower jaw wasn't rather unhinged as well. I move toward him to fix it and he flinches away quickly, moving to get out of the tub. I feel almost physically sick to my stomach to see someone have that reaction to me. I remember in a flash with memories not my own many and many who had had that reaction. And I… he… had enjoyed it. "I'm so sorry, I won't hurt you I promise. Please let me heal it for you." Moving slowly I get over to the man. I look into his pain filled eyes and I have a moment of panic. What if I can't heal him? I haven't ever consciously tried to do it after all.

That panic melts away as my fingers touch the edge of the cheek. Energy trickles from my finger tips, seemingly knowing exactly what to do. I watch in fascination as his muscles and skin knit over. It is one thing to feel it and another to see it. That taken care of, I notice some things that I hadn't quite been in a fit state to notice before. Snape appears to have at least a couple days of growth on his face. Not that I have much experience in telling, but it is definitely longer than what one day could account for.

Another rather important thing is that we are both quite naked. I had all my clothes ripped off over the past few weeks and Snape, obviously, was in the process of taking a bath. He seems to not this at the same time judging by the faint pink stain to his cheeks. I had thought I would be immune to embarrassment after all I had just gone through, but it seems that I was incorrect. And thanks to my potion efforts the water is quite clear.

"If you would kindly get off of me I would like to get out and into a bathrobe." Snape says, his poisonous tone somewhat dampened by the acute embarrassment he seems to be experiencing.

"Of course." I murmur, pushing backwards and turning slightly so as to give him some privacy. I am not, however, above a little peeking. I don't think he realizes the extent of my peripheral vision. I restrain an appreciative purr for his smoothly muscled body. The paleness of his skin thrums all the right strings as I watch the water sleek of his sides. I note an even paler crisscrossing of scar over that skin, making me almost break the semblance of privacy by asking after all the causes. They must have such good stories to tell… He is finally out of the tub and decent. I turn around and hang on the edge, looking up at the fuzzy black robe. "Have a spare?" I ask idly.

"You can make your own, I am sure." He sneers, secure once again in clothing.

"I doubt it. I'm so tired. I might just sleep right here in this tub…"

"Out of the question. You will not be sleeping in my tub all night."

"Why not? I won't drown. I suppose I will end up with a really bad case of raisin skin…"

"I just will not allow you to sleep in there. With all that potion in it who knows what it will do to you."

"Ah, you do have a point." I sigh and make as if to get up. Snape hastily backs up.

"Just wait one second, I am sure I will be able to find something." I smile slowly and sink back into the tub. I must be really hideous. Probably look like Voldie or something. I look down at the arm my head is resting on. It is absurdly thin with skin hanging off of it. I sigh. I look closer though. Are those scars? Perhaps I can compete with Snape after all. I do believe that I see little white lines on my skin, though it is hard to tell with it all sagging and water-wrinkly.

Snape reenters the room carrying an almost identical if more beat up looking bathrobe. He drapes it on the sink along with a towel and leaves without a word. I pull myself out of the tub gingerly and take up the towel. The manic strength from just before has deserted me. I slowly rub off most of the water and put on the bathrobe. It pools on the floor and needs to be wrapped around almost twice to not fall off. Mission 1: bed and sleep. Mission 2: eat as much as possible.

I stagger out of the bathroom and over into the bedroom. I stumble over closer to the big four poster in the middle of the room, feeling uncomplicated lust for its flat surface. I don't think I've been flat (or even asleep) for weeks now. When Snape moves to intercept me he startles me out of my tenuous balance. I philosophically contemplate my immanent impact. I can stay there. There is carpet. It is flat. Somewhat to my irritation I am caught before I hit the ground. "The prohibition for the bathtub applies to my floors as well." Snape grumbles. He looks faintly surprised as he picks me up, then a bit worried.

"Well if not your tub, your floor or your bed, where?" I ask, reasonably I think. "I suppose I could sleep on the couch…" I stop as I am dropped onto a bed. Not his bed though. "You kept this in here? Haven't I been one near a month?"

"Yes."

"Wow, you are lazy…" Whatever else I was going to say is interrupted by a giant yawn. I mutter a bit more, not intelligible either to myself or to anyone else and fall quickly and deeply asleep.

"So, Minerva, what has happened while I was gone?" Dumbledore asks the harried Griffindor head as he passes tea to her and Lucius. It is a sign of how harried she is that she doesn't even bat an eye at the frazzled pureblood.

"Oh, nothing much. Several assassination attempts made on young Malfoy, who is now sleeping in the fifth year Griffindor boy's room," Lucius looks up quickly at that. "which of course lead to Potter making friends with a Reling snake." Lucius barely manages to keep from spitting out the tea, instead choking on it in his arm chair. "Besides that Severus has refused to come out of his rooms and missed a full day of classes. Screaming can be heard through the door. Pirhanis and Deritine both refused to try to get inside. Besides that, not too much." She finishes sarcastically.

Lucius finally gets control of himself and asks McGonagall as Dumbledore ruminates, "My son has been having death threats aimed at him?"

"Yes. Besides the Reling snake there were several other deadly and toxic creatures and substances placed in his food and possessions." McGonagall sighs. "As Snape has been less than coherent lately I took it upon myself to remove Draco from the Slytherin dungeons to the Griffindor tower."

"He isn't safer there!"

"Surprisingly, your boy is getting on quite well with the Griffindors. I assume he told you about the incident earlier this year with Aimry and the potion."

"Of course."

"That and the fact that they are not trying to kill him made your son suddenly very open to friendship with Griffindors."

Before Lucius could reply Dumbledore speaks. "I assume then that the problem with Draco and Harry and the snake are, for the moment at least, contained." At Minerva's nod Dumbledore continues. "Then I think we should make a visit to Severus's quarters. I don't like what you were saying." With that the elder wizard stands and walks out of the office, followed closely by McGonagall and the elder Malfoy.

I awaken to an outraged noise. I look up blearily to see my half-asleep self surrounded by a blindingly twinkling Dumbledore, a McGonagall simply past caring and a Malfoy torn between fear hatred and indignant horror. I blink a couple times to try to organize my thoughts a bit. I shift slightly and find the blanket heavier than expected. The form of Snape draped on top of the covers in his bath robe would explain that as well as the odd looks from the three standing around the bed. "Hello." I free an arm to rub my eyes. Grumbling from Snape protests the movement. "You might want to wake up." I say, nudging the limp potions professor gently with my hand. Not that I cold have nudged any harder. My arm feels like it is being magnetically attracted toward the bed.

Snape sits up, yawning. He stops and looks down. "What did you do? How did I end up on your bed?"

I shrug. "Hey, not me this time, I don't think. But that is not the most pressing thing." I point over his shoulder at the three patiently waiting (one patiently waiting, one outraged into silence and one staring off into the bookshelves) adults.

"How did you get in here and what are you doing invading my private rooms in force?" He growls at the three.

"We were concerned about you Severus." Dumbledore says right as Lucius splutters: "What the bloody hell are you doing lying in bed with that evil …" at which point words fail. Which is probably good since I am not in a mood to enjoy insults.

Snape chooses to ignore his fellow Death Eater traitor. "I am perfectly fine, as you can see, if a bit irritated with this one for continually moving herself near me."

"I would just like to point out that I did not have the mental capacity to pull myself here and that you were on top of _my_ bed and not the other way around. I would argue that it is you pulling me around this time." I get a Death Glare ™ for m logic.

"Minerva says that screaming had been heard from your rooms."

"As it should have been."

"Would you care to explain yourself?" Huffs Malfoy.

"No."

Malfoy gets a dangerous glint in his eye. He leans closer to the bath-robed professor. "Because you were remiss in your duties my son was nearly killed. Assassinated by his house-mates." He hisses.

Snape looks mildly surprised. "I would have thought you would welcome such a demonstration of your son's prowess."

"How is that?"

"He is still among the living is he not?" Only a hand on the shoulder from Dumbledore keeps Lucius from reaching for his wand.

"Look." I break in. "I know there is likely a lot to talk about. But I know _I_ haven't slept in a month and I'm pretty sure Snape is in the same boat. So if you would kindly leave and let us sleep that would be just great."

"You little!" Dumbledore cuts off Lucius by squeezing the other man's shoulder.

"Luscious. I would ask you to recall that it was Pirhanis, not me, that harassed you so mightily. Go find him." I make little shoeing gestures. Dumbledore and McGonagall drag a spitting and furious Malfoy from Snape's chambers. "I am going to sleep." I announce and proceed to settle in to do so. I notice that Snape has not gotten up. "What is it?" I mutter, half-asleep already.

I am surprised that I actually get an answer. "A student in my house almost died because I was not paying appropriate attention."

"Don't worry about it. They were very odd circumstances, pretty much entirely due to me."

"I know." With that the warm weight moves from the end of my bed. I sigh sadly. "If I find you in my bed in the morning I will not be responsible for my actions. Contain yourself from anything of the sort."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

A/N: So, the main plot(?) is rearing its head again. And strangely I actually think I know where it is going. This will likely be proven false in the future. But you know what, it is like 2AM and I simply can't type anymore. I should just leave the typos in this A/N as an example. Anyway, that said, I'm sorry for all the horrible mistakes that are surely in this chapter. And to Lily Evans0 and Kagome Tonks, it is really cool that you read my updates. I'm glad you like it .


	19. The Morning After

Ok, so the last chapter had appalling errors in it… I'm very surprised no one called me on it in the reviews. If there are such errors here (as I'm sure there will be) feel free to point them out. Also, I'm not going to do the translating thingy anymore, so in the future, assume that Harry is translating for Reling.

()()()()()()()()()

"Headmaster, how long do you think that they will sleep?" Minerva asks, almost in afterthought. She is wondering if she will have to…

"I expect you will have to substitute for Severus's classes for a while yet. I don't believe that Aimry was exaggerating when she said she hadn't slept in a month, though I'd wager Severus has been as long without rest."

Minerva sighs. "Well, I suppose I had better go make arrangements then."

Dumbledore looks at the Head of House fondly. "I will take care of that, Minerva. Perhaps you would be so kind as to take Mr. Malfoy to his son and then show him to his room?"

"Certainly." She gestures for Lucius to follow her. As they make their silent way up to the Gryffindor tower Lucius calms himself enough to realize that it is indeed Pirhanis that he needs to seek revenge from, not Aimry. Of course killing the center of the whole wild thing might cause all the rest to die, like in a bad vampire movie, Lucius ponders that individual torture would undoubtedly be more satisfying. Finally they reach the portrait of the Fat Lady who lets them into the Common Room. Lucius feels a little odd calmly walking into a place that he had never considered prudent to venture. He feels distinctly odder when he enters to see his son relaxing comfortably next to the Boy Who Lived and a rather large group of assorted Gryffindors chatting and working on homework.

"Draco." Lucius says simply, causing his son to whip his head around and the rest of the Common Room to fall into confusion as people look up and have various reactions, most of them in varying shades of dislike. Draco, however, leaps over the back of the well worn red loveseat and charges his father, skidding to a stop right before colliding with the wizard.

"Father." The two maintain a respectful distance before launching simultaneously into a giant bear hug. "I've been so worried! Is mother here too?"

"She's coming as soon as it is safe to do so."

"You're not going to leave again are you?"

"No. I am staying here."

The Gryffindors, including their Head of House, turned their attention to other things as the two catch up. All that is, except Harry and Neville.

"It's nice that he has a father and a mother." Harry murmurs.

"Yeah." The other boy answers.

()()()()()()()()()

Voldemort taps his long fingers on his chair, looking around the table at the remaining Death Eaters. "The Dementors are revolting against the Ministry." He states. The others wait somewhat apprehensively. "Without any planning or help from you lot." They waited for the other shoe to drop. "Why has this complete disaster happened while you have sat completely useless to me!" He stands up abruptly, overturning his chair. Voldemort whips out his wand, killing a random underling with Avada Kedavra and Disapparating. (He has obviously never read the Evil Overlord Career Guide) The remaining Death Eaters follow his lead and return to their homes in somewhat shocked and confused relief.

Voldemort enters the prison with a crack of re-Apparating that echoes his anger nicely. He is unconcerned by the rattling breath of the Dementors surrounding him. He waits impatiently while scowling at the creatures. Something parts the robed chill and It comes to stand in front of the Dark Wizard. They look similar in a weird way, both pale with too-tight skin. However, next to It Voldemort looks the very pink of health. Red eyes narrowed dangerously the resurrected evil faces his new challenger.

"Prey comes to me. As it should be." It grins, or rather pulls back its lips to show the jaw crunching teeth.

"I am not prey, creature. You have utterly ruined my plans."

"I see. Why is this important?" It moves forward and reaches one hand out to Voldemort. It looks amused when the scabbed hand is swatted away.

Red eyes flash and spark angrily. "It matters, filth, as I am your rightful master and more than you can ever aspire to be."

"I see. So you are one who sees nothing in others plans." It looks amused.

"Only I have the vision to correct the world, Dementor."

"You are funny, human." It chuckles wetly, sharp teeth rattling against each other.

"Do not call me that you animal, it makes us seem.."

"As equals?" It interrupts. "Why yes, that was the idea."

Voldemort's eyes flash, little ruby sparks flying off at It. This would have terrified any one of the Death Eaters and would even have given Dumbledore pause. However, the energy sparking from the Dark Lord had a very opposite effect on It. It sighs with pleasure, eyes narrowed to slits and mouth gaping wide. The smile is similar to that of a piranha's and even to an evil being it is far from comforting.

"You have a part of the energy I seek. Close to immortal, I can suck your soul for a long time. I can feel it. Stubborness."

Voldemort looks at the Dementor in horror. "What are you?"

It chuckles. "I am as much a part of my species as you are to yours. Now, just hold still, helplessness makes the emotions so much more potent." Voldemort stares at the hideous pit-like eyes of the soul-less creature before him before snapping himself out of the hypnosis. Only decades of practice on the same trick prevents his capture. Hissing in fury, he Disapparates.

()()()()()()()()()

Dinner at Hogwarts was destined to be interesting, especially as Lucius demands to sit in the middle of the table… which happens to be right next to Pirhanis.

"Why, hello again." Pirhanis says to the other man. He cocks his head and frowns suddenly. "Hmmm…" He whips around his long braid and picks through the hairs, holding the heavy tail against Lucius' pale hair. "Look! Our hair is almost the same color. Mine would have to be a tad less blue tinted, I think…"

Lucius gives the elf a dubious look before deciding to ignore the indignation of Pirhanis' actions and respond to his greeting. "Have we met?" He asks, as politely as he can manage while trying to refrain from hexing fingers away from his perfectly groomed hair.

"Why of course we have, Lucius, I would have thought that you would remember seeing as how strongly your son reacted to me… oh!" He slaps his hand against his forehead. "I'm sorry, let me introduce myself." Pirhanis bows from the waist. "I am Valrac Mahosama, wizard of the fifty-fourth level. However, you know me as…" With a dramatic flourish Pirhanis returns to his natural human form which results in a few things. Firstly, he is no longer under five feet tall and is back to nearly six foot which results in a painful cracking of knees on the underside of the table as he is shot upward by the height-compensating chair. Secondly, those who are not used to the sudden changing of form that I and my mind farts are prone to (i.e., most people) jumped and in a few cases screamed briefly. Thirdly, after getting over the above reaction, Lucius quickly falls into a murderous rage.

"YOU!" Lucius growls low and menacing.

"Uh…" A wand is suddenly in the blond wizard's hand, pointing directly between Pirhanis' eyes. Unable to duck with his legs jammed under the table, the curse hits him squarely. Ugly green boils break out all over his exposed skin, bursting and spewing purple goo. "Owowowow! Look, Lucius…" Another hex seems to have little effect except causing the inside of Pirhanis' mouth and ears to glow slightly. Actually, the hex is causing his insides to burn slowly. "AH! My squeedlily-squooch!" Pirhanis quickly turns back to Valrac and jumps clear of the table in time for the Silencing Charm to hit Trelawney instead, which proved to be a blessing. Fortunately the form change also negates the two hexes.

"Stop it! You are…" Pirhanis ducks a Slicing Hex and catches it on his DOOM stick. He winces as large chunks of it fly off. He quickly casts a shielding spell around himself and the irate former Death Eater before being hit with a good old fashioned Stupefy. Pirhanis sighs in relief as the hex bounces off and is absorbed by the shield. Dodging ever more creative hexes and summoned creatures, Pirhanis tries to reason with the man. "I don't want to fight you!" He dodges a twenty foot King Cobra. (_"That isss a pathetic excusssse for a Ssserpentssorsssia. I've known wizardsss who could actually sssummon magical sssnakesss._) "I mean, if you want to duel, that's fine, but I think you have some misconceptions…" Pirhanis ducks under a menacing spider-shaped curse. (Ron shudders… "Not more bloody spiders!") "I mean, I didn't mean to ruin your life…" He jumps out of reach of a ghostly wolf. "But you must understand the disorientation of being thrust into a new world…" He bashes the cobra through the wolf and gulps. "It didn't seem real exactly, especially when compared to throwing pots all day…" The wolf whips the snake back at Pirhanis, fangs extended. Pirhanis uses its limited solidity to banish it and the snake together. "I just figured I'd slipped off due to the kiln fumes or something…" He dodges three quickly fired Flaming Hexes Matrix style. "Really if you would just stop casting at me for a second…"

Suddenly the dark elf's eyes flare crimson. "Alright, fine, if that's how you want it." Pirhanis lunges at the tall wizard, lengthening as he goes. He wraps himself around and around, squeezing tight. Lucius struggles madly, but he cannot move his arm nor take in the breath to cast a spell. Pirhanis looks the wizard in the eye in irritation. "_I am sick of this unreasoned attack!_" He whaps the blond head firmly with his tail. "_You are being a complete idiot!"_ Pirhanis hisses when Lucius simply stares at him with wide eyes. "_Worthless human spawn!__ I will have to… swallow you!"_ He emphasizes this by flicking out his tongue to scent the fear. _"Why is he saying nothing?_" He raps his tail tip on the other's head a few more times.

_"Fellow ssserpent, he cannot underssstand you."_

_"What?"_

_"You are ssspeaking in Parssseltongue."_

Pirhanis looks over at the Reling snake. _"Am I really? Kick ass! I am taking over the Chamber of Secrets right after I take care of this irritation."_

_"If you could drop the shield, I will translate for you."_ Harry offers from his position as dutiful snake transportation.

_"I don't know that I can at the moment… and hell if I am going to let him loose."_

"I'll do it." Deritine saunters over placidly.

_"You can understand me?"_ Pirhanis asks. _"I didn't know you are a Parselmouth."_

"I'm not, but whatever. I can understand you as a giant ass snake. Why not." Deritine pokes the bubble of shielding and gives it a little twist. It falls away in a pretty crystal shattering formation. "And actually, I could translate, too. Heh." A gleam enters the eye of the dog turned human.

_"Er… I'd rather have Harry do it, if you don't mind."_ Visions of unpleasantness flit across the huge snake's mental eye as he shudders. Translator in place he restarts his lecture. _"Alrighty.__ Lucius Malfoy, you are a royal pain in the rear… that is, if I had one. But anyway, I was trying to talk to you, as, contrary to what seems to be the world theme, violence is not the answer. It only begets more unpleasantness." _He taps the ruffled blond head pensively. _"Are you prepared to listen to me?" _

"Like he has much of a choice." Snorts Deritine. "The only spells that affect you are the sort only Snape might know, and he hasn't been seen in days."

Gulping convulsively, and a little uncomfortably, Lucius croaks out an affirmative.

_"I have no desire to make your life hell, well… I mean, besides the whole reading about you… let's not get into that. Basically, I suppose that I want to apologize for taking the Mark from you. I did not realize what it would do to you and I was not entirely aware of the circumstances. Regardless, I am not excused. But as I can't be killed permanently and I really don't feel like sitting still and letting you torture me as I am sure you are capable of, you're going to just have to live with the circumstances. I don't care if you despise my being, but I really can't say I would be unaffected if you continue to throw painful hexes at me and endangering everyone around me."_

"You have destroyed everything I have ever worked for as well as my family pride. There is no place for forgiveness." Lucius answers bravely from within thick coils of muscle.

_"Very well.__ But you will stop endangering others?"_

"I will." Lucius growls grudgingly.

_"Excellent. If you want to challenge me again, feel free. We can set up an appropriate arena and rules of engagement. I don't guarantee I will accept of course."_

"Of course. You were sorted into Slytherin after all." Pirhanis loosens his coils and lets the rumpled Lucius with slightly blood starved extremities. Lucius leaves the dinning hall, attempting to be graceful and mostly succeeding by moving very slowly.

_"Great, now that that is settled… back to food!" _Pirhanis moves over to the table again and looks down at a pitcher of pumpkin juice. After staring for a few seconds he turns his head back around. _"Uh, how do I turn back?"_

()()()()()()()()()

I wake up slowly, muzzily regaining my senses. First comes a vague sense that I do, in fact, have a physical body and it is warm, comfortable and relaxed. Next comes the blurred vision of a ceiling of stone with arching supports. I feel odd… why is that? Ah yes, I have not been up this long then slept so long since a certain potions mishap. And that reason was considerably more pleasant an experience. I stretch luxuriously and feel the covers attempting to run away and off the bed. This is not going to be allowed as it is a chilly chilly dungeon. The reason for the covers flight is explained when a protesting grunt is emitted from on top of the sheets. I sigh. Well, might as well return the favor of wake up call, I suppose. I can sacrifice the top cover, I think…

I brace while holding on to everything but the top blanket. It stubbornly refuses to be parted with its cotton fellows. "Damn friction!" I mutter. Oh well, I'm not uncomfortable, just a little apprehensive about the reception I will be getting when he finally wakes up. I feel a slight vibration and realize Snape is shivering. I flip a couple of covers over on top of him from my wonderfully large stack and leave it at that. He got himself into this mess, if he freezes to death a couple times before morning it is not my fault.

()()()()()()()()()

I am awakened not by the expected shove onto the floor but rather by a soft scaly body knocking Snape on the floor along with all of my covers. In the abrupt chill it takes me a second to understand what the snake is saying to me. "_And it just _happened_ and I don't know how to go back and the castle is so cold I had to spend the night curled up in front of a huge fire while Deritine was casting warming charms, badly I might add, whenever it so suited him and he was absolutely no help in how to get back and I don't know why this is so difficult when I can go from human to elf without problems without a thought and I don't know what to do but now you're back and…_"

"Pirhanis." I cut him off in a croaky voice. "What did you do to yourself?" I look over at his long python body, amused.

_"It was all Lucius' fault, he wouldn't stop casting spells at me and I just wanted to _squeeze_ him…" _Hestops as I bang on his nose to get him to loosen so that I can get my breath back from the suffocating coil.

"If you could not do that it would be just super." I say in annoyance.

A similarly toned voice comes from over the side of the bed where Snape has dealt with a similar constriction by getting himself more hopelessly tangled. "Just what is going on?"

Snape can barely see the giant constrictor's head as it peeks over the side of the bed for the sheets. "_Oops. Did I do that?"_

"Yes." Snape and I growl together.

_"You know, you two are starting to sound like each other."_

"That happens with traumatic mind melds." I try to push Pirhanis off of me with little success.

_"What? When did that happen?"_

"I really don't want to talk about it. In fact, I don't really want to think about it. Let's just pretend it never happened." I manage to squirm out from under the (slightly chilled) snake and onto the (very cold) floor where I stand up and brush off my borrowed bathrobe. I walk around the bed to examine the knot of sheets and blankets that conceal a very irritated Potions Master. "Hmm." I consider it from a couple angles. "How this was managed we shall never know."

As I begin to pick apart the folds and twists Pirhanis continues. "_Well, anyway… I need you to help me get back to myself, your dog was no help whatsoever."_

"I would suppose that the problem is in your sub-conscious…" I pull off one particularly fluffy comforter only to completely enclose Snape's head, to the muffled rage of the trapped man. "You are likely thinking about it in the wrong way…" I decide that the best way to attack the rest is probably from the feet. "If I were a snake, it would likely be easier to turn into another snake…" I pull out a large blob of sheet, freeing a leg, but at its thrashing the rest is more hopelessly entangled. "Hold still, dammit! So that would be why the human-elf transfer would be so easy…" I stand back a bit and consider the remaining covers, which are quite effectively avoiding being untangled. I pull at the sheets experimentally, loosening different loops, poking different knots…

_"So what am I supposed to do about it?"_ Pirhanis asks after I have stopped talking for a few minutes.

"Oh, what? Sorry. Been a while since I had a knot this good and I've never had one so large to untangle…"

_"You should turn into a cat not a dog, seriously."_

"Huh, oh, right. Well, turning into either is rather hard as you would then be walking on your arms, as it were. The main problem I see with you is that you now have no arms or legs and a tail. That is about as drastic as you can change. However, in dreams I have always found it easier to loose limbs than gain them. Thus, your problem." I sit down on a still nicely cushy Snape-in-a-blanket to the constrained thrashing and muffled cursing of said Snape.

"_So how the hell am I supposed to change back! Enough theory, tell me already!"_

"How am I supposed to know? I've never turned into a snake. I usually gain limbs like wings or whatever. All I can give you is theory."

_"Well, demonstrate for me then."_

"Alright." I say with false calm. "That makes perfect sense as I have _sooo_ much energy after spending a month in Azkaban having my soul sucked out and my body killed over and over without sleeping. You can solve your own damn problems without me. I am not your mother." At this point I am standing over the bed and snake.

He raises himself up off the bed, towering over me in an angry striking pose. _"I didn't ask to be here in your freakish imagination! I am not the one with an unhealthy obsession with that hideous jerk. I never wanted to be stuck alone in a world you dumped me that I only know about from fucking books with your sex crazed sub-conscious trying to figure out what the hell is going on!"_

"And you certainly look the put-upon martyr _Professor_. You certainly aren't complaining about the perks, are you?"

"_Why! You…. I'll!"_ With a sudden twist the snake is gone and an enraged teen in pajamas is hurtling down at the faintly surprised me with hands extended in a choke-hold position. Belatedly I remember that he is a black-belt. I'm pissed off enough to ignore that fact however for a good, long, irritated as hell tussle. A couple bruises later (from floor and from each other) we subside, sitting across from each other glaring. "I meant all that."

"I know. I did too."

"But…" Pirhanis sighs.

I rub my forehead in agreement. "But there is nothing we can do about it. For what it's worth, I have no idea why any of this happened and I certainly didn't plan or intend it."

"I know." He pokes the stone floor desolately. "And I do like it, but it is also… so weird. I mean, are we going to stay here forever? It all feels so… not real."

"I suppose. Unless this is all one huge horrible and very detailed nightmare."

"Possible. But then who is doing the dreaming?" He grins at me mischievously.

"I have no idea."

"I suppose I will just have to enjoy it… Thanks for getting me out of snake form by the way."

"I don't think you should thank me…"

"Oh, definitely. The desire to throttle you had me growing arms like no tomorrow."

"Well, that works I guess."

"Yeah." We both look over at the bed at the muffled scream and thump as Snape tries (unsuccessfully) to get himself unraveled.

"Oo! Knot!" I move over to finish untangling.

"Cat." Pirhanis smirks.

()()()()()()()()()

"So what is your father going to do while he is here, Draco?" Harry asks the outcast Slytherin over lunch.

"Yeah, it's not like there is another teacher post opening here." Ron laughs.

"Unlike your family, Weasley, mine does not need to work for their keep. My father still controls the family wealth and is paying what he has informed me is a vastly inflated sum for the meager accommodations."

Ron turns red with anger, but before he can say anything Hermione gives him a look and asks Draco "And will you be staying with your parents then?"

Draco looks unsure. "Well, I could, but they might want me to continue where I could get my studies done properly. But my father didn't mention that…"

"Hmm. Well, I'm sure they will tell you if you are going to be leaving the tower." Hermione says reasonably.

"Or just expect me to know."

"You are psychic?" Hermione asks excitedly.

"No."

"Sometimes adults are just like that." Harry says bitterly. Draco looks at the other boy in surprise. Harry gives him a half smile.

"They don't tell you?" Asks a confused Hermione.

"Not every adult is logical, even the Muggle ones." Harry sighs.

"Look! Snape is coming to the table!" Dean whispers as he elbows Ron. The Hall looks up in horror at the Potions Professor.

"He looks horrible!" Ron gasps. "I mean, more horrible than usual that is." Indeed Snape is skinnier than usual, to the point of emaciation, pale and sickly looking; a fact I had not noticed as he still looks amazingly better than my captors. The only thing looking good is, incongruously, his hair, which is clean and silky. I follow the Professor in looking much worse for the wear, especially as contrasted to the last time I was here. I was a bit on the plump side and obviously healthy and happy. Now I look somewhat better than a Dementor, but requiring several more degrees of health to be considered living in polite society. "What is that?" Ron asks in reference to myself.

"I think that that's… Aimry." Hermione whispers.

"Who?" confused Gryffindors ask.

"The original… person, remember. She got taken to Azkaban."

"She does have the look." Harry and Draco say. They look at each other sharply. "How do you know. Never mind." They look away and pretend nothing had just happened.

Ignoring the two uncomfortable boys the rest continue with the discussion. "Why does she look so horrible?" "Do you think it has something to do with the revolt?" "How did she escape?" These and other whispers combined to give a loud buzz to the Dining Hall. I, however, am not paying any attention because in front of me is…. FOOD!

I dig into the first thing in front of my face (some sort of bread) and proceed to devour all in front of me in a Garfield-at-the-lasagna way. I don't care to taste it individually but the experience of food is just amazing.

"Slow down my dear, you will make yourself sick." Dumbledore says concernedly, leaning over the table in front of a pained looking Snape.

"Mph phyn prfffssr, phyn…" I mumble around a mouth full of… erm, something. I'm not sure what, whether due to it being a British dish, a Magical dish or I don't really care too much at the moment, or even a combination of the three I… don't care too much at the moment. I finish what is in front of me, and Hagrid who is next to me on the left and reach over to take the bowl of (peas?) from in front of Snape. I am stopped by a long thin hand on my wrist. I look up at the closed eyes and face of the Professor.

"That." He says calmly. "Is mine." He grabs the bowl and stuffs the serving spoon full of peas into his mouth, letting out a moan of pleasure. With wide eyes I watch as he proceeds to tuck away the rest of the bowl in record time and starts on the rice next to it with enough gusto to make Goku proud. Finished he bellows out, "MORE!" and both of us are busily occupied while stuffing our faces with the offerings.

()()()()()()()()()

A/N Okies, that is done… I do not apologize for any Americanisms that the "sprund from Aimry's head" characters make as they are all, in fact, American. However, I do apologize for those made by other characters. I am also American and not British, so these things can't really be avoided.

Also… A comment from a while ago mentions that this is sort of a 'Mary Sue' type story, but not really. Having finally learned what that is, I will have to completely agree with that assessment. I have a bit of a plot bunny wanting me to write another fic of Aimry and Snape or some other character arguing if it is or not.

Based upon this article I have found main characteristics of a 'Mary Sue' to be "She's amazingly intelligent, outrageously beautiful, adored by all around her -- and absolutely detested by most reading her adventures… character representing the author of the story, an avatar, the writer's projection into an interesting world full of interesting people whom she watches weekly and thinks about daily"

OK… so, intelligent, yes (even perhaps amazingly so, ie Aimry's potions, Valrac's casting etc.) beautiful, not really, (Aimry's pretty normal looking, Pirhanis is perhaps in Dark Elf form, Deritine would like to _think _he is, anyway…) adored… I think not. Opposite, in fact, in most cases and a general confusion about what to do with us all by the main populous. Representing the author- hells yes, in all respects but Pirhanis, who is, in fact, based on a cousin. And do I think about HP too much? Yeah, probably.

So, as the other review said, it kinda is. Especially now though, with an actual plot rearing its ugly head, I think it is getting less true. But in so many ways it is very true… So, I dunno. Perhaps I just went about the whole thing backwards. In the article they say that the 'Mary Sue' is usually the first fic an author will write. In my case, it is certainly not. I have a lot of other stories under my belt. Not necessarily very good ones, but there they are nonetheless. Ah well, comment on this if you will. Perhaps we can set up a debate! If there is one thing I enjoy, it is a good debate J

A/N 2: Why I miss words when writing is beyond me, but I edited it now, and hopefully these new dividy thingies will show up. Yay! I also had a really kick ass idea so am now inspired to write… So everyone should be inspired to read!


	20. Nonlinear Regression

With a belly full to bursting and feeling like a gorged kitten, I waddle back from the Hall with a satisfied smile on my face. I am closely followed by Snape, who is similarly happy and pregnant looking. We scare what few students we meet on the way. They are waiting for Snape to snap out of the enchantment. But food is a most powerful magic. I hope that we can make it to the beds… food is also a very good sleeping potion. We do in fact make it to the room and I flop onto the bed, grumbling as I try to sort out the blankets enough to get to sleep. I get them flat enough for my purposes before dropping off.

Lucius pulls Pirhanis aside after the meal. "I wish to set a date for our rematch."

Pirhanis looks up at the other man with his crimson eyes dancing. "Yes."

"We will need to set up some rules of engagement and decide on a field of battle."

"The Quidditch Pitch should do nicely for a place; it is clear and has protective spells surrounding it and the stands."

"Agreed. For a first rule we must agree on your form."

Pirhanis laughs. "Which would you prefer oh mighty Malfoy?"

"Your true form, the human one. I do not know anything about these elf or snake species."

"Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know that they are supposed to exist here. I like this proposal, my dark elf self has certain weaknesses and strengths that would be… interesting to battle with, as does my snake. We must agree on no summoning too, I think. While that can be amusing, I doubt that you can compete with Meeb."

"Thank you for your kindness." Lucius sneers. "Restricting yourself from summoning intelligent allies to the battlefield."

Pirhanis returns the look in kind. "This will be a hopelessly outmatched fight for you in all respects, I just want to save your dignity."

"In that case, we are also going to restrict the spells and armament."

Valrac raises an eyebrow. "In what way?"

"Only spells known in this world will be used. You may not have on any clothing that can alter your abilities, only plain unaltered Muggle clothing will be used. I will provide it at the beginning. I will not allow you to wear summoned clothes."

"And of course these clothes will be perfectly clean of all detrimental spells." Pirhanis smirks sarcastically. "We will find a neutral third party to arrange for clothing for both of us."

"And to judge that we follow our rules."

"Let there be a panel then, I will choose one, you can choose one and we will have a mutually agreed upon judge."

"Agreed." Half an hour of Quick Quilled fine print and detail later, the two Slytherins pronounced themselves satisfied. Final rules: only themselves, their wands, and clothing completely Muggle-made bought and touched only by Dumbledore until their wearing. The final judges are, by consensus Draco; for Pirhanis Hermione Granger and for Lucius in a surprise decision: Fickle. Provided, of course, it could get fixed before the tournament otherwise the wizard chooses his wife (who had arrived whilst they were arranging). The win would be determined by a successful Petrificus Totalis, a spell that would be tested for efficacy prior to the challenge. The deal was signed and sealed by Wizarding Oaths witnessed by Dumbledore, Narcissa, Deritine, Draco and Hermione among others. The date was set for first thing tomorrow morning. Which left one problem.

"Aimry, wake up real quick, I need you to fix Fickle." Pirhanis hisses.

I move Snape's arm from on top of my face gingerly, trying not to disturb him. I am amused to note that he is under half the covers this time. "This had better be good, or I will have to do something violent." I mutter at him, trying to keep my eyes open by blinking rapidly.

"I need you to fix Fickle for me!" He hisses urgently.

I just stare at him for a long time without a word. "What the hell are you talking about? You want me to kill you, don't you? You have a death wish!" Snape stirs and I quiet back down.

"Look, just tell me what to do, ok? The Ravenclaws were playing Petz on it and it died, but I need it back for tomorrow and…"

"They were playing what? Oh the fools." I rub my forehead tiredly. "Where is it?"

Pirhanis perks up, smiling. "Right here, I brought it with me." He shoves the dust covered goat forward.

I look at the animal in bemused fondness. "Fickle, I know you can hear me. I understand that they were foolish to start up that program and that now you have had your first taste at autonomy and AI in a while. However. This does not mean that you have to be stubborn. I understand your issues, I really do. But don't force me to give you the disc."

"Give it the disk?" Pirhanis whispers.

I gesture him to be quite. I press Fickle's power button. A screen comes up that reads: Primary Hard Disk Toshiba IDE FAILURE; Non-System Disc Error. "I see how it is going to be. I have it right here." I hold up a CD labeled: Computer ReBoot Disc. "Don't make me do it. You will have to go through all that configuration and downloading again, and I will ask you to do it."

"You don't have the guts." Comes a static voice from the goat's mouth.

"I just spent a month in Hell, I can do whatever I damn well please. If you don't start working now, in fact, I do believe that I have an electric razor here somewhere…"

"You wouldn't!" Squeaks the speaker. The power button flashes orange.

"Don't even try it. You are half magic now and you are immortal." I smirk.

"If you give me the disc I will make you call Dell." The goat hisses in on final attempt.

"Oh the horror. It is your brain that they will be fooling with. I have no guarantees." With a disgusted noise the screen flickers black before the Windows logo appears to its accompanying music. Pirhanis and I wince at the weird clashing of the different operating systems.

"Why can you not leave us in peace? Is there some conspiracy of which I am unaware?" Snape growls slowly as he raises himself onto his arms. "Why are you in my bed again?" He hisses.

"You're in my bed for the… erg! Look at where you are and stop being in denial." I huff, followed by and "oof" as he elbows me accidentally (?) in the chest.

"I do not care for your excuses." Snape gets out of the bed and adjusts his robes back down over his pants. He ignores that he was, in fact, in my bed.

"Well, uh, thanks for fixing the computer, I'll be going now." Pirhanis ducks out, dragging the laptop by its harness.

"In the future hex the bloody animal until it returns to consciousness and do not attempt to awaken us from a satisfying sleep." Snape snarls at the retreating boy and his goat. "You exist to torment me." He says as he glares at me.

"It was not I this time, Severus, but you are correct, at one point I did."

"Why?" he asks. I sense that he genuinely wants to know.

I think about it, trying to ignore the sleep-deprivation headaches and the jaw-cracking yawn. "I suppose it is just that you take yourself so seriously. It is the reaction… so extreme."

"You are saying that the reason that you continue to harass me is that I am provoking it out of you?"

I snort. "Of course not. But I dunno, you are so…" I yawn again. "Prickly…" I resettle in the bed and pull the sheets over my head.

Only to have them flipped off with a spell. I grumble. "I am not 'prickly'" Snape growls.

"Of course you are. I have not seen you ever laugh. If you laughed at yourself your reactions to other people poking your dignity would not be so amusing. It is all about the kitsch."

"What are you rambling on about?"

"Sorry, required college course rearing its ugly head in a flashback… never mind. But if you did laugh at yourself you would be a happier person."

"I have nothing to laugh about. And I certainly cannot find happiness in my memories."

I smile sadly. His speech has brought back memories of pain and darkness and sorrow, I can see tormentors lining up, finding new and varied ways to torture me… but I have never been bullied. I frown slightly before realizing that these are Snape's memories, and I relive them with him. "Oh gods, I'm sorry. I didn't realize… no, I didn't think." I get a strange look from Snape. "I can see it." I sigh.

"See what?"

"Your memories, I see them as, I'm assuming, you are seeing them. I didn't mean to bully you, I mean, I never really understood the whole thing… it was all in good fun!"

"'Good fun', yes, that is how they always put it." Snape focuses on me sharply. "You are seeing my memories? When did you attain that level of Leglimency?"

"I don't think that is what I am doing…"

"You apologize and then tell me you are breaking into my mind. How _sincere_." I gape at him.

"I'm not doing it on purpose!"

"Of course, never on purpose." He sneers at me. "These are the excuses of a child." With that he turns and stalks to his bed, leaving me stunned and very much awake. I watch the light blob that is his silvery bed clothes. He is correct, so right I almost cry. I am still thinking of this in a juvenile and irresponsible way. I am doing for 'fun' things that I know are hurting him. I have ruined his life with my presence. I have screwed up the canon past all semblance of possibility by my mere presence. What has it gotten me? More pain than I could have ever imagined. And I then pass on of that pain and more to a person with enough personal demons to have supplied us both quite handily. I think about it for a long time, wondering what I can do. One thing is certain; I will no longer have the reactions of a child. I will take responsibility.

_I feel someone petting my back. I purr as the tingling itches that spot on my back. The perfect spot, just a little over, an itch has developed over a little to the right. But the scratching hand does not move. I frown and squirm a bit to get that other itch. The hand moves with me. It is starting to hurt, a raw feeling. Stop doing it in the same spot, dammit! It doesn't feel good any more. I turn around and look up, about to yell at the horrid back scratcher when the words die in my mouth. It is here. How? I back away from Its horrid grin. It reaches for me… No! NO!!_

Pirhanis and Lucius face each other, clad in matching plaid nightgowns. They draw their wands, salute, and march to opposite goal posts before turning around. Immediately they jump to the sides and cast spells at each other. Not Petrificus Totalis, not yet, first come the disarming and encumbering spells. Lucius trips over the cutting hex as Pirhanis limbos under a binding charm. Pirhanis recovers from his backwards position and runs toward the still stumbling Malfoy. But the stumble turns out to be a ruse; Lucius whips a battering hex at his enemy, causing Valrac to cover his face with one arm while canceling the spell with his other. On the battle commences, with neither gaining enough advantage to set the winning hex on the other, and in truth, neither is ready for the contest to be over. They trade testing blows to the cheering of students and teachers.

Snape awakens to screaming. And for once, it is not his own. He sits up in his bed slowly, hand to wand, searching for the source of the sound. To his surprise it is coming from the other bed. My bed. He looks down and double-checks. Indeed, he is still where he fell asleep. Setting this aside for later consideration he walks over to my side, wand pointed at my chest. I am convulsing, thrashing as I scream. "Petrificus Totalis." Snape says calmly. I freeze in place, but my terror is quickly eroding the spell as I fight it and my dream. Snape takes the few borrowed minutes to contemplate what he will do. One option is to issue a silencing charm and leave it at that. I will eventually wake up. However, seeing how quickly the spells are deteriorating that would be a stop-gag measure and would likely be more trouble than it is worth. With a sigh he moves over to my side.

"Aimry. Wake up." He touches my shoulder to shake it, but far from comforting or waking me, it causes my sleeping brain to break through the spell and attempt to get away as quickly and as far as possible. Confused as my brain is, however, I believe myself to be standing when I was in fact lying down, leaving my leap to safety as a wild kick and a thrash sideways on the bed. Snape ignores the blind panic caused by his touch with irritated familiarity.

He attempts another tack and summons ice water to pour onto me. It does not do much but make me very cold and wet. While it doesn't seem to be affecting me at all, it will make his job much less pleasant. He casts a drying hex and considers his next move.

He grabs a good hold on my shoulders this time, taking advantage of my protruding bones as hand holds. "Aimry, wake up now." I cower away from him, whimpering. "At least you have ceased that horrible screaming." He sighs again. This is not his area of expertise, though he does deal with terrified children from his House from time to time. He lets go of my shoulder and lets me resume the screaming, casting another full body bind. He goes over to his personal potions cabinet and picks through the cheering potions. He picks one with calming and memory suppressive properties and walks back over to where I am beginning to twitch. Muttering about 'bloody cross-dimensional magical rejects' as he moves over to administer the potion.

My mouth is frozen open, but as Snape moves over to pour the silvered liquid down my throat, his touch sets off the spell-breaking and thrashing movements. He puts a restraining arm with elbow on my chest and hand holding my jaw. This is somewhat successful, but I am still thrashing too much to give me the potion. After getting kneed in the head Snape growls and begins his war.

Somehow the duel had turned into a full out Muggle fist-fight. After a particularly nasty co-Expelliamus, both wizards rush for their wands which had landed behind their enemies. They reach each other before their wands. Pirhanis instinctively lifts and flips the surprised Lucius over his head with a hip toss before diving for his wand. Lucius recovers quickly enough to dive at the retreating teen's back, managing to grab his left leg. Pirhanis falls flat on his face in an almost identical surprised pose. From there it degenerates. Pirhanis soon learns that fighting a complete amateur leads to surprising and unpredictable errors that led to bruises on both parties. At that point the ending seems inevitable, but the tides may turn.

Snape finally has me mostly restrained. Blessedly I have not regained enough weight and energy to overpower him. However, he is left with no free limbs. The potion is right beside the pillow. Unreachable. Snape growls in frustration. He stands back quickly, receiving a blow to the stomach from an elbow. "That is the end. I will not put up with this any longer. You will either stop screaming or I will be forced to silence you myself." He ignores that he has been trying to do this for the past half hour. He looks down at me with a scowl. "Do you take pride in being an insufferable irritation?" He asks me sarcastically.

I wake up with a start, looking up at Snape from a tangle of limbs and blankets. I wonder how it is possible to get one's leg over one's head in that particular manner. I resolve to ignore this as I sort out my limbs and sit up. "What happened?" I ask. Snape stares at me, stunned. "Uh, Snape? What is it?"

"I have been attempting to awaken you for quite some time and you just… woke up." He shakes his head.

"Oh. It can be difficult to wake me up from a deep sleep. How long did it take, about twenty minutes, half hour?"

"Yes" He replies shortly.

"Well, what was wrong?"

"You were screaming and obviously stuck in some sort of pain/dream loop. From the apparent intensity I would assume it was from a memory." Snape raises an eyebrow for elaboration.

I begin to shiver as the dream comes back to me. "It was pleasant at first… but then It showed up. I felt…" I start to shiver very violently. The memories that triggered the dream flood over my consciousness. I don't notice Snape calling my name through gritted teeth until he grabs my shoulders. I start and look up at him.

"Drink this." He says gruffly and presses the potion into my hand. I look it over, uncork it and sniff it. In my curiosity the fear eases. Potion identified at least generally I gulp it down and welcome the spreading neutrality as the potion sets to work. "I see what you meant." I look up at the Potion's Master with a puzzled frown. "About sharing the memories; I saw what you… experienced."

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It is… not your fault." He growls grudgingly. I smile reflexively but my heart isn't in it. "I believe you might benefit from a Penseive."

Lucius screams and whacks Pirhanis on the head. However, this does not loosen the teen's locked jaws. "Let go of my arm!" Giving up on loosening Pirhanis, Lucius hauls the other with him toward his nearby wand. "Aha!" Lucius cries as he reaches it, only to realize that it is not, as he thought, his wand. "Bloody hell." He mutters, looking at the wand. He attempts to cast a spell with it on the latched jaws on his arm to no avail. All he feels is a odd thorn-through-Jell-O sensation. Pirhanis grabs the wand away from Lucius, who attempts to get it back desperately. However, Pirhanis still maintains his bite and uses the wand to instead poke the other wizard. "Ow! Would you stop… my spleen!"

"Mhmm grmm drfff!" Replies Pirhanis, poking Lucius in between the ribs. Malfoy starts laughing.

"Don't!" He laughs. Pirhanis proceeds to poke quicker and in a more organized fashion, dropping the wizard to the ground, panting, wheezing and laughing. "Aha haha! Hahaha stoppitahaha!"

"Finish him!" Comes a call from the stands. With that Pirhanis blinks and releases his bite. He continues poking Lucius who cannot control his laughter.

"Petrificus Totalis." Pirhanis says finally, ending the match.

The judges declare Pirhanis the winner. Deritine walks over to Pirhanis and stands over the yawning human as he resets his jaw. Deritine shakes his head. "With all your years of karate training and all your obsessive interest with Everquest and Harry Potter, you subdue your enemy by biting and tickling him to death. Very classy." Deritine snort.

Pirhanis shrugs. "It worked, didn't it?"

The experience of using a Pensieve is an odd one. Probably my particular experience is partly due to having to use Snape's wand, as I do not have one of my own. But it seems to like me well enough. Perhaps the whole process of removing memories is an inherently weird feeling. The sensation is also uncomfortably like being kissed by a Dementor, though it is much less malevolent. And then once the memory is out, an echoing memory void is created. "I don't know about this, it seems uncomfortably like forgetting." I say to the looming Snape.

"That is the point." Snape says, lifting an eyebrow.

"I don't want to forget."

"You will not, the memory is right there."

"But it's not in my head any more." I shake my head. "No, this isn't right. It's not for me." I begin to replace the memories from the Pensieve.

"How do you propose to sleep at night?" He snarls.

"I will just have to work through it. I think it safe to call myself an expert in dreams, don't you think." I finish replacing the memories with a sigh that is partly of relief and partly dismay. They are not happy.

"I can appreciate the sentiment but you will not be happier for having these in your head." Severus says coldly.

"I don't want to be happier through deception." I scowl. "Those memories are a part of who I am, a part of my experiences."

"Some experiences are best forgotten."

"I disagree. If I regretted what had happened and tried to change my memories, I would regret being myself." I say calmly, putting the Pensieve back on the shelf Snape had gotten it from.

"Regretting who you are easily follows such experiences." Snape growls. "You will learn that if you refuse to utilize these tools."

I look at him sadly. "To use the tools would already be regretting. And not that it wouldn't be justified, but I do not want to be depressed. Therefore, after a few rounds of good old fashioned denial and a couple wars with my dreams I will triumph."

"Of course you will." Snape replies sarcastically.

"Whatever, I want nothing else sucked out of my head and that is that."


	21. It All Hits the Fan

A/N I don't know what demon wiggled its way into my Word program, but I swear I'm not seeing all these funky things in here that end up on the ffnet website. I have no idea what's causing it and hopefully re-uploading (plus the corrections Muffin is good enough to yell at me about) will solve the problem.

"You know who I need to talk to?" I ask rhetorically of a pajama-clad Pirhanis some four days later. He lifts an eyebrow and waits for me to spit it out. "I need to speak with Sirius Black."

Pirhanis' eyes crinkle in amusement. "I can see why you would want to, but why specifically?" He takes another bite of his cereal. We are in the Great Hall for breakfast. I've taken to sitting with my cousin as Snape wants nothing to do with me. Since we are no longer warping into each other's beds, I have gotten my own room and we are expertly ignoring one another.

"He's the only other person to spend an extended time in Azkaban and still be sane. And he almost had his soul sucked out." I sigh and Pirhanis looks downcast at the mention of my time in the prison.

"Well, that is true. He would be the one to talk to, I suppose." Pirhanis pokes at the cereal experimentally. "Which leaves getting there. I don't know that I can teleport; we haven't actually _been_ there after all." Pirhanis chews reflectively. "I suppose we have to find an Order member to take us there."

I snort. "And with Dumbledore off at the Ministry again, the only one here is Snape. Of course."

"Of course." Pirhanis grins. "I think I will have some fun with this."

Snape resolutely ignores Pirhanis as the other professor slides up behind him. He continues to set the wards on the Potions Classroom so that he can leave back to his apartments and merrily drink the night away. The slyly grinning teen has other plans.

"Professor, if I might have a word?" Pirhanis asks the other. Snape ignores him. Pirhanis' eyes gleam. "As Dumbledore is gone, I was thinking you might help me with a little problem?"

Snape sneers at the shorter human, taking in the new goatee and not-quite-right summoned robes in a glance. "What makes you think that I will help you with anything?" He says coolly.

"Well, I need to see Sirius Black…"

"Why do you think I know where that convict is?" Snape snarls.

"Tisk tisk. He was cleared of all charges. However, I believe that he is still residing at the Headquarters. Am I correct?" Pirhanis asks lightly, glint in his eye.

"I don't know what you are speaking of." Snape hisses.

"Oh, well… I thought you were a member, perhaps you got kicked out?" Pirhanis grins. Snape glares. "I suppose I will have to find someone else from the Order of the Phoe…"

"Don't say another word." Snape emphasizes this with the point of his wand under Pirhanis' chin. "You don't know what you are talking about. I'm not taking you anywhere."

Pirhanis uses the end of one finger to move the wand away to harmlessly point over his shoulder. "Well, if you won't take me I guess I could get Harry to show me where it is. I could chance teleporting."

"Teleport where, you fool?" Snape growls.

"Why to number twelve grim…" A silencing hex hits him full in the face. Pirhanis looks vaguely irritated.

Snape looks furious. "How do you… never mind."

Pirhanis mouths, "So you'll take me then?" Looking disgusted, Snape nods and casts the counter-spell. "Alright then. Aimry, lets go." I walk from around the corner sheepishly, picking at my borrowed school robes. Snape simply ignores me, finishes locking the classroom and leads the way to the edge of the anti-apparation wards. Still without speaking he transports us to the doorstep of number 12, Grimwauld Place.

I open my mouth and get out "Than…" before he disApparates. "k you." I sigh. "Well, I guess that leaves getting inside." I mutter. I knock on the door and wait. The man who answers the door is not a walking skeleton nor walking sex. He is simply a man, one looking, at the moment, rather tired and suspicious.

"Who are you?" asks Sirius Black. I stand and stare at him uselessly.

"Pirhanis Valrac Mahosama, at your service." Pirhanis says with a smile and a short bow. "And this is my cousin Aimry." He gestures to me. "She wanted to speak about your… shared experiences."

Sirius still looks suspicious. "How did you get here?"

I speak softly. "Snape brought us here but he didn't stick around very long…"

"How do I know that you are who you say you are?" Sirius' eyes narrow.

"We're here for one." Says Pirhanis, irritated. "Not just anyone can see your door." Black is not convinced. Pirhanis rolls his eyes. "What can we do to convince you?" he asks.

"You two can shape-shift I hear. Let's see it." Pirhanis shrugs and, like a cloth drape falling off his features, is once again a dark elf. Sirius looks at me. "You too."

I fidget. "Since Azkaban I… can't," I mutter. "I don't really have any energy yet, even though it has been some days." I look up into Sirius' face then, looking straight into his eyes, something I had avoided since seeing him. I see the same deep hurt in there that I can feel in mine, that loss of something that only prolonged contact with a Dementor can give. Sirius steps inside. "Welcome to my humble abode." He smirks sarcastically. Immediately upon crossing the threshold the shrieks become audible.

"Betrayers! Ungratefull! Curse upon our house you are Sirius! Bringing the infidels…" The painting trails off uncertainly as she spies Pirhanis. "What manner of foul creature are you?" She asks the elf.

"I am a dark elf, madam." He bows ironically to the portrait.

She sniffs. "My nephew has some sense then. I can feel the dark power in your veins."

"Why thank you." Pirhanis smirks.

"But you!" she rounds on me. "Muggle filth!! Trash! Corruptor of the Pure!" I attempt to protest, but am drowned out. "Destruction upon you!" Sirius hurries us past the painting and slams a door on the shrieks.

"That was the quietest she's ever been with a visitor." Sirius says suspiciously. "What did she mean about the 'dark power?'"

Pirhanis changes back to his normal, human self. "That form is inherently Dark. She can sense that, apparently. I'm not really an evil creature. Well, not _very_ evil anyway." Pirhanis smirks. "No more than any Slytherin I suppose."

"All Slytherins are, of course, good for nothing but evil." Black goads.

Pirhanis just smiles. "I'm going to have a look around your house, then. See if there are any Dark Creatures I can use for my class. You two have a nice chat." He exits through the door we came in, giving a burst of sound before it swings shut again.

Black and I stand awkwardly in the middle of the room. I glance around and identify it as the kitchen. "Tea?" Black asks.

"Oh, no thanks." I answer. We stand, not looking at each other. After a long, awkward time, I finally burst out: "How can you sleep at night? I mean, the nightmares…" I trail off. Sirius turns to look me in the eye.

I think that he isn't going to answer, but finally he manages, "It is hard. Especially at first. Pensieves only help a little, it is the feeling that haunts you. You can't take that out of your mind." He sighs. "Let's sit down." Facing across from each other at the kitchen table, we exchange stories. "I would sit on the hard, cold stone… you know what it's like… the only thing that was in my mind was revenge. It was hard." Sirius rubs his eyes.

"I was only there for a month, but you must have heard that I'm immortal, as it were. They could… kiss me… as many times as they wanted, without me dying." We both shudder. We don't have to say more. Our experiences fill in the rest.

"You have a strong will to last through all that." He says finally.

"Well, I didn't, exactly. After a while it was too much. I sort of… shoved myself into Snape after the first week or so."

A twinkle enters Sirius' eyes. "Serves the greasy git right."

"How so?" I ask, amused.

"Just for being him. Always sticking that over-large nose of his into other people's business."

I try to defend him. "It's not that, exactly… I mean, that is part of it, but he just seems to attract trouble to him."

Sirius leans forward conspiringly. "What always drove me to pick on him is how he overreacts to everything. He's so…"

I laugh. "Prickly."

"Yes." Sirius smiles.

"That is exactly what I told him, the last thing I told him before we stopped talking, actually." I feel sad again. "I abuse that poor man so much…"

"Don't worry about him, he's a grown man."

I snort. "But he's so damn sensitive."

Sirius laughs at the ceiling, head thrown back. "That he is. But you didn't come here to talk about my old schoolmate."

"No. It's just hard talking about the… other." I sigh.

"I know." Sirius' brow furrows briefly. His eyes focus on me again. "I know a spell that you can use." I open my hands, displaying my lack of a wand. "That isn't a problem. I learned it from Dumbledore before I got my new wand. I'll teach it to you."

Pirhanis pokes into another closet. So far he hasn't encountered anything but a pair of doxies. He had been willing to leave them be except they had bitten him. The resulting explosion of doxie-bits was entirely their own fault. Pirhanis gives it up as a bad job. Apparently someone had been very thorough in getting all the interesting items removed from the house. He sits down on one of the beds and flops onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. He would leave, but he knows that I would have no way to get back if he did. He sighs and breaks out a book. "Spells Through the Ages" had been nicked from the school library earlier that week. And by nicked, of course, we do not mean 'checked out.'

"Thank you for showing me that spell, Sirius. I feel much better knowing it."

"Not a problem." Sirius smiles. "It was nice speaking with you. I also have need of someone with the shared… experience sometimes. Feel free to visit again." He offers his hand, and I shake it.

"I don't suppose you could show me your dog form?" I ask. Instead of replying, Sirius melts and reforms into a rather bedraggled black dog. He's slightly larger than Deritine and much more handsome with a shiny dark pelt. I reach out a hand, and when he doesn't move away, I stroke his head experimentally. The coat is soft, like a mix between a lab and a golden retriever. I absently start picking at a mat behind his ear. I've had dogs with long hair, if you don't catch the mats early there is nothing to do but shave it off. I sit on the ground and the dog climbs into my lap. I get the one I'm working on resolved and move to the other ear. With a great shuddering sigh the big black dog relaxes.

I have just about worked the other one out when Pirhanis enters the kitchen. He watches, amused for a second before clearing his throat. I turn around and look up at him. "Ready to go?" he asks.

"Just one second. I've almost got the mat out."

Pirhanis rolls his eyes. "You have an unhealthy obsession with that."

"Among other things." I grin back.

"Touche. But I think if you were to switch your other, this one might be less hard to manage." Pirhanis smirks.

"What?" I ask.

"If you were to give up on Snape and focus on Sirius, I mean."

I blink and remember that the dog whose nose is poking the underside of my knee is not, in fact, a dog. I blush faintly. "Oh." I finish with the knot and drop my hands. With a great sigh, the dog sits up and resumes his human form.

"Thank you for taking care of those, they've been bugging me for months. You would think that if I brushed my hair it would transfer over, but it doesn't." He yawns.

I pretend that I hadn't completely forgotten he was a man and nod. "No problem." I think my blush might be giving it away, though.

"We should get going. It's late." Pirhanis says.

Sirius' eyes twinkle. "You could spend the night."

Pirhanis smirks. "Well, I have class tomorrow, but you can stay, Aimry."

I feel a brief moment of panic. "That's alright. I'd rather go back. I have things I need to do." And I'm not certain I'm enjoying the looks Sirius is sending my way. Alright, who am I kidding, I'm definitely enjoying them, but don't really want to deal with them.

Sirius looks rather disappointed. "Well, come back if you can." He stands up and offers me a hand, which I accept. He pulls me to my feet. "It gets rather lonely in here."

I'm standing rather close to him and take a step back. "Isn't Lupin here?" I ask.

Sirius looks confused. "Why would he be here? He has a job in Ireland."

"Oh." I say, intelligently.

"Besides, he's not the kind of company that I was talking about." I flush.

Pirhanis crosses his arms impatiently. "If you're coming, let's go." I cough nervously and grab Pirhanis' hand. "Incoming TP." He mutters. Then we are back in Hogwarts. "I guess that guy doesn't see many people. Or at least, many women." He smirks at me. "I can't see any other reason for him hitting on you."

A spark of anger flashes behind my eyes. "I'll show you hitting in a minute!" I hiss, running after the retreating dark elf with fists raised. He laughs as I follow him down the hall.

Against my better judgment, I find myself explaining the whole visit to Deritine.

"And then we left." I finish lamely.

Deritine looks at me askance. "You left? That guy was practically begging for you to sleep with him."

I glare at my subconscious. "I don't know that for sure."

Deritine scoffs. "Of course you do. You should have taken him up on his offer."

I fidget. "I feel like I'm being disloyal."

"To who? Snape? That bastard that refuses to even acknowledge that you exist? You've never going to get any from him."

"Not everything revolves around getting laid." I say, annoyed.

"If you didn't want to be convinced it is, then you wouldn't be talking to me. You know what I'm like." He smirks at me. "If you're not going to take him up on his offer, then I might just have to."

I stare at him. "I don't think Sirius swings that way." I settle on at last.

He grins. "No worries. I learned how to change my sex. Look." With that the young man turns into… a young woman. Unfortunately, she does not change her clothing, leaving me to be flashed by very well-endowed breasts.

"Argh! Put those away!" I shield my eyes. "Point proven, please turn back."

"As you desire." Says a feminine voice. "Done." Says the male Deritine. I look over at him.

"When did you learn to do that?"

"Almost right after I ran out of new girls willing to partner with me."

"Oh gods, I've created a monster." I say into my hands.

"Technically, it was Voldemort. But I'm grateful all the same." Deritine smiles. "Well, at the very least, you should give the poor mutt a grooming. I know how I get if not brushed out every couple days and my hair isn't even that long. I have plenty of male and female groupies just dying to help me out, but I doubt that an ex-con, no matter how cleared his name is, is as lucky. Wait here for a second." I lie back against the wall of the tower where we have been talking. The cool stone feels nice against my back. It is always embarrassing talking to walking hormones, but at least they are not longer _my_ walking hormones. Deritine comes back with a few things in his hand. "Here you go. One sheddy brush, one slicker, one rake and a mat-buster. And for a little extra fun…" He hands me dog shampoo. "I bet he's taken a shower since Azkaban, but his doggie self probably hasn't." He smirks. "Maybe if you can regain yours you can take turns."

I snatch the shampoo from his hand. I would like to just growl at him, but he really has done something nice. "Thank you."

Reling tastes the air along the corridor. Something is not right. His magical senses tell him that something is going to happen, and happen soon. But how soon? He has been alive a long time and his premonitions can be from anywhere in the next hour to the next month. But he gets the sense that it is sooner rather than later. Something is gathering… no, two somethings. And neither are very nice. One he recognizes and hisses at it impotently. The other is different and he cannot place it. Finishing up his midnight patrols he passes one of the ones that smells other… a female, he thinks. I sneak by him, not noticing him at all. Reling hisses to himself at the folly of humans… and things like humans. He courses from the Slytherin dungeons back up to the Griffindor rooms. He slithers under Harry's covers and curls up under his night shirt. Harry grumbles at the cold briefly before settling back to sleep. It seems that tonight he will not be having a nightmare after all. It seems that the Dark Lord's plans are too involved to leave time for him to torture anyone. Or try to send Harry a dream. Reling is glad, even though he knows it is another sign that his premonition is soon to be true. Screams in the night do not make for restful sleeping, and they will all need their strength soon.

I pass by the snake without noticing it and continue along to the Potions room. In the middle of the night it had hit me like the ground after a fall off the Tour Eiffel. Like Vanyl in the second book, I'm no longer physically tired, I'm _magically_ tired. My body is regaining weight and strength, but my magical abilities are still starved. I haven't been feeding them. I push open the door to the classroom with ease. It seems the wards aren't keyed to me. I wonder at that briefly before shrugging. Without magic I can't light the room or the burners, but I find a magically charged flame set in one of the cabinets. Usually used for throw-away spells where precise heat doesn't matter, it works for my purposes. I gather ingredients and start to make a potent variation on a Pepper Up potion. Unlike my previous green goo, this relies more on the ingredients, as I have no magical energy to give it.

I finish three hours later with a reddish purple potion. I designed it not to give energy, per say, but more as a kick in the pants for my magical production. I take a sip of it and feel my magic stirring. Grinning, I gulp the mixture down. It tastes foul but the joy of my returning power drowns out the nasty rotten tomato taste. At the bottom of the cauldron my strength is nearly half full and continuing to grow. I refill the little burner and put it back. I clean the cauldron out, put all the ingredients back. I sneak back out and close the door behind me.

Harry stretches and looks over to the empty bed in the corner. Last night Draco had spent the night with his father. It had been a little strange since it was a school night, but it wasn't like Draco would be off school grounds.

_"Good morning Harry. How did you sssleep?"_

Harry blinks. _"Really well, actually."_

_"That isss good."_ Harry wraps the snake around his shoulders and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth and washes his face in silence. Ron stumbles in behind him, yawning.

"Goo' mor'nin." He mutters.

Harry grunts a reply. Neville and Dean aren't far behind. Scratching his chest, Harry walks back to the room and places the snake on the bed to put his robes on. He re-wraps the snake and waits for Ron so that they can go down to breakfast. Ron exits the bathroom and they go down to the Common Room. Hermione is waiting for them but frowns when she sees that Draco is not with them. "Where is Draco?" she asks.

"The elder ferret came and took him last night. I don't know why." Ron explains, earning a half-hearted punch from Harry.

"We'll probably see him at breakfast." Harry says. This proves true. Draco sits next to the three with no comment half-way through the meal.

"How was it last night with your father?" Hermione asks. She gets a non-committal grunt in response. "What's wrong Draco?"

"Nothing." He sighs. Harry and Hermione give each other a look while Ron unconcernedly shoves eggs in his mouth.

"Draco, what is it?" Harry asks.

Draco sighs, poking at a non-offensive muffin. "Not here. I'll tell you before the first class." The other two nod.

I skip out of bed in the morning, feeling wonderful and no longer like the wrung out rag that I have for the past week. I gather the combs and the shampoo and teleport to the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. I startle a boxer-clad Sirius into dropping his cup of tea. "Oh, gods, I'm sorry. I just remember this part of the house best." I smile uncertainly and stretch my hand out to the shattered porcelain and tea. It flies back together and back into my hand.

"How did you get in here?" Black asks weakly. He takes the cup when I offer it to him.

"I figured out why my powers were on the fritz last night… I was near empty and exhausted and they weren't coming back." I look at him sheepishly. "I got them back."

"But… there are anti-Apparation wards…" he trails off, confused. Then alarm springs to life on his face. "The wards are down!"

I stop him with a hand on the chest… the bare chest. I hasten to reassure him. "Your wards aren't down. I just wasn't Apparating. I was… well, teleporting I guess is the right word for it." Sirius moves toward a window and runs his wand along it anyway.

"You are right. They are intact." He looks me over with appreciation. "Amazing."

I cough. "Yes, well… all you need to do is dream too well and piss off a couple gods and you're golden." Sirius shakes his head. "Um… You are probably wondering why I'm here." I hold up the shampoo and the brushes. "I thought both our alter-egos could use a good cleaning. Azkaban is not exactly nice…" I trail off with a shudder.

"Good idea." Sirius says hurriedly, fighting the shadows behind his own eyes. "We can take turns." He adds impishly. I laugh. He grins. "There is a fountain out back we finally got to run water instead of potions. Let's go out there. The same protections are on it as are on the house. It is small, but it should do."

"Sure thing." I smile.

"My dad still has connections in the… Death Eaters. They're planning… a major offensive… for… tonight." Draco looks like every word is sticking needles into his scalp and putting thorns into his mouth.

"Where?" Hermione gasps. Draco grunts for a bit then shakes his head. Hermione frowns. "Did your father put a Closed Mouth spell on you?" she asks angrily. Draco shrugs. "He did! That jerk! How he considers himself your father I have no idea…"

"Hermione." Draco says calmly. "It doesn't matter any more. I've told you."

"Not where." Harry says irritably.

Draco sighs. "I'm leaving Hogwarts today. We are going on a vacation." He says it mechanically, like someone is using him like a puppet. "Won't it be nice to go away for the weekend?"

"But you're not safe anywhere else, why would you leave?" Ron asks, looking at his three friend's faces. The light dawns at their grim expressions. "Oh."

"They are attacking Hogwarts tonight." Harry states what they are all thinking. Draco nods helplessly. "We have to tell Dumbledore." Harry says grimly.

"But Harry, he's out on Ministry business all week." Hermione says desperately.

"My dad says there has been trouble all over London with You-Know-Who and they have to investigate it…" Ron trails off and his eyes widen.

"A diversion." Harry states grimly. Draco looks despondent, but nods.

"Who should we tell then?" Ron asks. "McGonagall never believes us when we tell her things."

Harry sighs and looks at Draco sideways. "And we should tell someone in the thing… they probably have a way of contacting Dumbledore." Draco looks puzzled.

"What thing?" he asks.

The other three shift uncomfortably. They don't know if they should tell Draco. He did use to be an enemy after all. Hermione suddenly brightens. "Harry! Your Christmas present!"

Harry beams. "Of course!" A confused Draco follows the three to Harry's bed.

I run the slicker over Black's belly one last time. It had taken a lot of efforts and some use of scissors, but all the knots are out. He is stretched out on his back with legs sticking up in the air. I pat him on the side and tell him. "All done Sirius." He flops over onto his side and stretches, putting his head on my lap again. He turns back into a human and yawns. I look down at the head on my lap and grin. "My turn, brush hog." I stand quickly and dump him on the ground. I stretch out and measure the yard. It seems large enough. I transform into my dog form and the yard stretches to accommodate my horse-sized body. Of course, it is a wizarding yard after all.

Sirius stares up at me. "You are one big bitch, that's for sure." He says. He keeps a straight face until right before my paw connects with his torso. He laughs as he falls onto his rump. "Not fair! I'm not a quarter your size! You will take forever to brush." I give him a wolfish grin and lie down on my side.

"Sirius! Sirius!" Harry calls into the little hand mirror.

Draco peers at it. "What is supposed to happen? I get the feeling this isn't it."

Hermione frowns. "No, it isn't. Where could he be? He never gets any visitors anymore. He usually is still eating breakfast now."

"Well, he's not there. Now you need to find someone else in this 'thing' you won't tell me what it is." Draco says sarcastically.

"But there isn't anyone else." Ron says quietly.

"That's not exactly true, Ron." Hermione sighs.

"Who else is there?" Ron asks.

"Professor Snape." Hermione says grimly.

"Oh this is going to go well." Draco snorts.

I hadn't been hard to groom, though there had been a few particularly nasty knots by the base of my tail. Those had been… interesting to get out. Sirius had laughed when picking at it. "Oops, didn't mean to put my hand there!" and other such actions had earned him playful nips. Now he pours the soap into the fountain and jumps in, turning to a dog right before landing in the water. I follow and the fountain grows significantly. Or maybe I shrink. Either way, Sirius and I romp through the water, spraying shampoo everywhere and generally making a huge mess.

"Damn. Why can't we have Potions today?" Hermione growls.

Ron laughs. He stops at the glare from the other two. "What? Come on, she wants to have Potions."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Under any other circumstances that would be funny. Right now it isn't." The four sit in their last class of the day. They hadn't been able to catch Snape before the first class started. Harry and Ron had been willing to run off anyway, but both Draco and Hermione had pointed out that Snape would be in class, too and would hardly be in a mood to listen to them if they cut class to talk to him. In fact, he would be more likely to dock points from the lot of them and kick them out of his classroom than listen. So they had waited through all their classes. The final bell rings and the four bolt out of Greenhouse 3 and pelt down to the dungeons.

They skid to a halt inside the Potions classroom where Snape is still sitting at the desk, sorting papers. "Professor!" They all shout as one. Snape looks up in surprise at them.

He sneers. "I suppose you four aren't here to confess breaking in last night?" They stop, mouths open, puzzled. "No, I suppose it wasn't you. You wouldn't have cleaned up after yourself and recharged the supplies. Too considerate to do that." They are still staring at him uncomprehendingly. Snape gets impatient. "Well, spit it out. Why did you four miscreants burst in here looking like the Grim itself was right behind you?"

"Professor!"

"It's horrible!"

"Hogwarts!"

"Voldemort!" they say all together.

Snape waves his hand above his head in irritation. They stop. He points to Draco. "You. Tell me." Draco opens his mouth and tries to speak.

Sweat breaks out on his face and he pants in pain.

Snape glares at Hermione. She looks defensive. "I don't know the counter-spell and couldn't find it in any of the books I had on me." She says, looking back at him defiantly.

Snape shakes his head and does a complicated wand gesture. Suddenly Draco is babbling, all the backed up words rushing out. "Myfatherhascontactsinthedeatheatersandtheytoldhimthatheywillbeattacking" he gulps in air and continues, "HogwartstonightsincetheymadetheHeadmasterandalltheMinistry" another breath, "thinktheyareattackingLondonbecauseVoldemortwantsHarryandhes" panting, Draco finishes, "figuredouttheProphecywhateverthatmeans…" Draco stops, sucking in lungfulls of air.

Snape frowns for a second to sort out what Draco said. His eyes widen. "An attack, tonight?" He asks intently.

Draco coughs. "After school is all they said. I don't know when. Dad wanted to leave right after my last class. I wasn't supposed to know, but I overheard him talking…"

Snape cuts him off. "We must contact Dumbledore now…" An explosion rocks the castle.

I stretch out in the evening sunlight. "You know, I think you're the only person in this place that belongs here and doesn't hate me." I muse.

Sirius snorts. "I doubt Dumbledore hates you."

I laugh. "If Dumbledore hated me I'd be in real trouble. He doesn't even hate Voldemort."

"I certainly feel something that is far from hate." Sirius says silkily, wiggling a bit closer.

I look down at the long skinny form stretched out beside me. "Sirius, how many girls ever visit here?" I ask.

He snorts. "Besides the ones that are underage or married, none."

I sigh. "I see."

He looks at me. "That's not the reason."

I look back at him. "Then what is?"

He looks up at the sky and sighs. "You understand what it's like. Accused wrongly. Imprisoned in that place…" he shudders.

"Yes, I suppose I do. But… Snape!" I scream.

Snape runs out of the main doors with the other teachers, giving covering fire to the Hufflepuff Quidditch team as they dive past hexes and curses from the Death Eaters below. Six of the team make it through the doors, crash landing in the main Entryway. The Keeper was hit with a curse too far away to get to. Snape calls back the teachers and few students ready to race after him. He is lost. Everyone inside, they slam the doors closed. More explosions rock the door. It won't hold very long. The teachers cast protective spells on the doors frantically. Snape looks around briefly and finds himself flanked by Harry and Co. He snorts. Of course.

"Professor, we have to contact Dumbledore!" Harry shouts.

"No time! There is simply no time!" Snape growls back. The door splinters inward and they all scramble back. Not all in time. Bodies are left as the students and teachers retreat backward. Snape looks over the Death Eaters and the blood stops in his veins. Behind them the grounds are darkened by hordes of Dementors. "Good gods, if any of us survive this day it will be a miracle."

"What is it?" Sirius asks urgently. My eyes are focused a long distance away.

"Gods… no! The Death Eaters! The Dementors! They are at Hogwarts!" I shoot upright. Sirius grabs my arm.

"Wait, we must tell Dumbledore." Sirius runs inside and I follow. He uncovers a large mirror and yells into it frantically. The haggard face of Dumbledore appears in it. "Sir…" Sirius begins.

"Hogwarts! Now! The Death Eaters are attacking now! We are leaving! Oh, gods, they are dying!" I grab the stunned Sirius and teleport right into the middle of the mess.

Pirhanis mounted on a growling Meeb rains death on the Death Eaters and Dementors. Deritine runs between them in dog form, ripping out throats and pulling undead bones. Red Goat head butts those that get to close to the screaming and panicking students as they run to the closest dorm: Ravenclaw. The students not panicking and the remaining teachers cast spells and dodge and block as best they can. Despair runs through the crowd. Casting the Patronuses keeps most of the students busy, but they are weak and almost see-through due to their fear.

Into the middle of this I land with Sirius. He ducks immediately and the stun hits me instead. I feel myself grow in size, snapping my teeth at the Death Eater who dares to cast at me. Sirius scrambles back to the Hogwarts line. "What is the situation, Snape."

Snape glares at him. "Don't be an idiot, Black." He casts a Stun in the face of a Death Eater and backs another step. "We are loosing and pulling back to Ravenclaw." Sirius looks around, scared.

I charge though the Death Eaters back to the students. I see another young student fall. He looks like my little brother. I jump over the last Death Eater and howl. My head whips forward and flames shoot out past my teeth. The Death Eaters in front of me scatter. I pause, startled. I try it again and nothing happens. A Dementor latches on with its jaws and sucks energy out of my skin. I growl and throw my head forward again, flame engulfing it. Trick figured out I turn back to the attackers and belch fire in their faces. In a pause of combat I look and find Pirhanis frantically battling off ten attackers. I bite two in half and growl at him. "Use evac, what is wrong with you?"

"I don't have it memed, the attack came so soon, they are dying Aimry!" He shouts back, tears in the corner of his eyes. "I had the spell set from my duel with Snape out.. I don't even have my new nukes." He gulps.

"I'll guard you, mem it quick!" I snap at the approaching enemy, keeping them at bay while Pirhanis looks at the book frantically.

"Got it! Incoming Evacuate! Hold on everyone!" Pirhanis disappears with most of the fleeing students. I swat a Dementor back, casting the spell from Sirius on it for maximum damage. Pirhanis pops back behind me. "Oh gods, I can't take them all at once!"

"Then do it over and over until you have them all!" I growl frantically. Another student falls. "I'll hold this position. Hurry!" Pirhanis nods.

"Incoming Evacuate again! Hold on!" Another batch of student gone. Now only the defenders are left. Pirhanis pops back. "I don't know if I can do this too many more times." He pants.

"Don't worry about us, get everyone that isn't immortal." I growl around a mouthful of Death Eater.

"Incoming Evac." Pirhanis screams. Half the defenders disappear.

"To the giant wolf!" Snape screams. I look around at the scraggly defenders. I see Harry's green eyes looking up at me, tear-filled behind the glasses. I belch flames to scatter the Death Eaters. Everyone left standing is circling me, guarding my back and hiding under my belly. I growl and bite a Death Eater in two whose slicing hex has made blood flow from my already ripped muzzle into my eyes. I shake my head to clear it.

Pirhanis is back again, pale and panting. "Evac. I think this is the last one." He disappears with everyone but Deritine, Snape, McGonagall, Flitwick and a scared Slytherin seventh year.

"Deritine, take those three with you." I shout at him. Uncharacteristically grim, he touches the three with tail, nose and a paw and disappears. That leaves only Snape and I. An Avada Kadavra knocks my head back and I see stars… a figure leaping out of my head and pulling itself back in. I grunt. "Snape, get under me and don't lose contact." I hiss. I feel him roll under my belly and grab my bloody pelt. Just before I teleport, something stops me cold. Trembling, I look up into the face of It.

"Is everyone here?" Pirhanis gasps.

"Everyone who made it." McGonagall says grimly. They all fit in the Ravenclaw Common Room and dorm easily. Something that would not have been possible even two hours ago.

"Aimry and Snape aren't back yet." Deritine pants.

"I'll go get them." Pirhanis grimaces as he tries. "Damn, out of mana."

"I'll go see what's wrong." Deritine says and winks out.

"You left me. Now you have come back." It says, petting my ravaged face.

"No…" I whisper. "No no no…"

"Oh, yes." It hisses.

Voldemort walks up to It. "Why did you help us?" He asks fiercely.

"It suits our purpose to do so." It smiles horribly. Voldemort glares at it, dubious. It turns It's attention back to me and stokes into my wounds. I wince.

"No…" I say weakly. Snape is hissing at me from under my belly, trying not to attract the attention of anyone.

Deritine drops onto my back and snaps at It. "Aimry! Snap out of it!" He leaps on It and strikes out at Voldemort.

My attention refocuses. I need to go. Go somewhere safe. Where is safe? Where? I don't know. It turns toward me again and I panic. Hogwarts winks out of existence.

Deritine warps back to the Common Room. "Where are they? I'm going to kill Aimry for just sitting there." He grins.

People stare at him. "Aimry isn't here." Pirhanis says finally.

"What? Where the hell did she go?" Deritine looks around for confirmation. Moaning students and teachers there are many, but I and Snape are nowhere to be found. An explosion rocks the doorway of the portrait.

"Oh gods, they are here!" McGonagall cries. The students scream and whimper, a hopeless sound. The door rocks again.

"Prepare to meet it!" Deritine screams, back in human form so people can understand. "Anyone who can't guard get up to the dorms!" A line forms as the wall caves in.


	22. Bufoons Rush In

A/N: I think I figured out what was causing all the punctuation errors and those 'e' thingies. Apparently ffnet does not like Mac-encoded html files and so I set it to code for the PC and I think I solved the problem. Why was I encoding in Mac you ask? Because I'm typing on a Mac (I'd attempt to plead that is the reason for the miss-types, but I think I'll get a newspaper in the nose for my trouble). Why am I typing on a Mac? You might ask. Because Fickle is being fickle as per usual. (Yes, my PC really is named Fickle)

Also: there is a good deal of not-properly spelled dialog in this chapter. Before I get a concussion: it is intentional. If it is too irritating, let me know, I'll think about changing it. Please also tell me if the EQ speak is too think, I'll tone it down. My beta is worse than I am EQ-obsession wise and will thus be no help. (Yes, Pirhanis, I'm calling you my beta).

I don't so much land as realize I'm not moving. Something lands on me and all around buzzers and alarms scream. Adrenalin pumping I sit up quickly and feel pain in my arms. The weight on top of me shifts. It is dark, I can't see. Little red and green and yellow lights are flashing all around us. Green! I tense and try to move, but whatever is on top of me is tensed as well and holding me still.

Suddenly there is light and I am blinded. I cry out and try to push the thing off of me so that I can run. So that I can hide. I hear screams. Where!?! What is going on? I jump sideways. I fall a few feet. Had I been off the ground? I rub my elbow where I had hit something- the floor? I blink and finally begin to focus. I see people in white running into the room, beefy ones especially. They are grabbing something- someone in black. Snape! "What is going on?" I ask.

A woman in scrubs pats me and says, "It's alright dear, we've got him. No one can hurt you now."

"Who was hurting me? Snape?"

"Release me this instant!" Snape growls.

"Calm down buddy." Says a burly man in white scrubs. Snape reaches for his wand on the floor. I see it under the bed. Under the… hospital…. bed? I open my hand to the wand and it obediently jumps to my waiting fingers. Where are we?

"Aimry, give me my wand." Snape says calmly.

"Forget it, just come with us quietly." My confused brain finally catches up with the situation. Somehow, we are in a hospital. And they want to take Snape somewhere.

I stand up. The nurse tries to pull me back down. I shrug her off. "Get off of him. What is going on?"

"Calm down Ms. Coke." I glare at her. "You've been in a coma. We will take care of this man, we'll find out how he got in here."

"What? A coma?" Snape grabs my hands to prevent being dragged (or carried) away. I hold on to his wrists.

"Ms. Coke, please let go of the man, we will take care of it, you have been in a coma for some months." The orderlies grunt as they try to drag Snape away, making him go almost horizontal, stretched between me and the four men. They looks surprised that I don't seem to be putting any effort to hold him at all.

"No, you will take him nowhere. He is staying right here." I say grimly.

"Ms. Coke, he attacked you! We must take him away." Says the nurse fiercely.

"_Snape_ didn't attack me, you fools. The only pain I've felt is from my arm and where I hit the ground." I growl at them, hackles rising.

"Aimry." Snape grunts. "Don't. There isn't room in here and they are not enemies."

"I know that." I mutter. I feel Snape's shoulders grinding slightly. Hopefully they won't dislocate.

"Let go of him! We need to get him out of here so we can clean your wounds!" Shouts the nurse as she grabs my arms.

"What wounds?" I ask, exasperated.

"The ones on your face and body, I would assume. You didn't come through all that without injury." Snape grunts. I release his arms to feel my face. It is comic the identical expressions on the five males as they all overbalance and fall over backwards. I feel my face and my hand come back bloody. Torn strips of flesh hang open. I can feel it on my face, now that I've noticed it. I look down at my arms and see similar wounds all over my hands and arms. I look at the nightie I'm in and note the blood matting it to my chest. A pity that. This is my favorite one. I gape at the cow on my shirt for a second in disbelief. Snape breaks free and leaps over the bed until he is behind me. The nurse screams and runs out the door, impeding the orderlies. "Give me my wand now. I don't know how you have gotten us into this mass of Muggles, but I refuse to be carted off somewhere."

"Not just anywhere, Snape. I'm home."

The banging on the door pauses. The defenders inside wait. The silence is almost as bad as the pounding and the immanent doom. Sounds of fighting are heard from outside. "Are they fighting against each other?" asks Deritine.

"No!" Sirius yells enthusiastically. "I got a message to Dumbledore. It must be him leading the Ministry."

"How many Ministry people are there?" Pirhanis asks dubiously.

"I don't know." Sirius falters.

Ginny laughs hoarsely. The room focuses its attention on her. "Not enough."

"That's it. I'm tired of waiting. I'm going out there." Deritine growls. He climbs though the mostly shattered portal, followed by many students and staff. Outside is chaos. The Ministry is indeed here, but as Ginny had said, there are too few of them. "Where did all these come from?" Deritine growls. There are many fewer Death Eaters, but if anything more Dementors. Giants have joined the fray as well as goblins and various other sinister looking beasts. Deritine's question is answered when one of the Dementors turns around and all can see that it is wearing a Hogwarts school uniform.

"Oh, god…" Someone cries. The Dementor, once a Griffindor, turns to the remaining Hogwarts staff and students and takes a rattling breath. Ginny steps forward towards the thing. "Oh… Ron!" She cries, running toward the Dementor. Deritine grabs her about the waist instinctively and looks in horror. Barely recognizable, Ron Weasley, the Dementor, glides towards them, mouth open. Horror creeps up Deritine's spine.

"Expecto Patronum!" A silvery stag shoots past the horrified onlookers and chases Ron down the hallway. Harry shudders and closes his eyes. "It's not Ron anymore." He says, all emotion gone from his face. Deritine gulps and looks out over the battlefield. Now that he knows what he is looking for, he can see the dead bodies rising again and attacking their friends. The Dementors aren't dying either. Their numbers keep increasing while the defenders fall.

"Friends, unite against the human spawn!" A voice screeches along everyone's perception, grating on raw nerves and settling despair right in the heart. A Dementor at the head of the column, larger and healthier looking than the others rallies the Dementors… and horribly, the other _non-humans_ to its side. Suddenly Death Eater and Ministry Officials alike find themselves attacked by the Dementors, goblins and giants, among others.

A tide swings toward the Ravenclaw House. "Get back inside! All of you." Deritine backs through the hole in the wall as well. Desperate humans scramble though the portal. The last two turn and together begin casting protective charms over the entrance. Both white heads turn as one, one white due to old hair, one due to snake-like skin.

Voldemort and Dumbledore regard each other for a long moment. "It looks like we are on the same side, Tom."

Voldemort grimaces. "For the moment."

Dumbledore looks through the hazy spells at the ravaging non-humans. "And for the moment we are safe." He sighs. "For the moment."

"You're delirious." The nurse says worriedly, trying to wipe my face.

"It's not as bad as it looks." I mutter. And I'm right. Already most of the cuts have healed over. I just don't want them to clean off the concealing blood until they stop fixing themselves. I sit on the bed next to Snape. He looks fairly worse for the wear, but only with mild cuts on his face and hands and through the first couple layers of clothing. He was smart and didn't make a giant fuzzy target out of his ass. I hear familiar voices coming from down the hallway and I grab the towel out of the nurse's disgruntled hand and quickly wipe all the blood off of me that I can. I am somewhat presentable when my parents come through the door.

We stare at each other for almost a full minute until we all three burst into tears and run at one another. They don't care about the remaining blood. We stand there hugging and laughing hysterically through the tears. "Aimry, Aimry, Aimry…" they keep saying over and over. I sniffle and smile at their dear faces. After all the pain and death I have just been through, seeing them reduces me to a little kid again. No matter that I am nearly twenty-six, I cry my eyes out just the same.

My mom recovers first. "Aimry, you're awake! It's a miracle. A miracle." She laughs and cries again. We hug tightly.

My dad sniffs and laughs as well. "After almost a year… we had almost given up hope, and here you are."

"A year?" I ask dubiously.

"Eleven months, twenty-three days and…" My dad looks at his watch. "Seven hours since they found you in the dorm unconscious."

I gasp. "That long?" Never mind, I'm almost twenty-seven.

"The two worlds are temporally askew." Snape drawls sarcastically. "We talked about that before, if you can recall anything in your hysterics."

My mom's temper flares and I can almost see the crack of anger from my father. "Just who the hell are you?" My dad snarls at him.

Snape glares. "I have no desire to tell you anything, Muggle."

"Muggle?" my mom asks incredulously.

A nurse hurries up to explain. "Don't worry Mrs. Coke."

"Kliford." My mom corrects absently.

The nurse glares but continues. "This man is having Harry Potter delusions and…"

"I am certainly not having _Harry Potter_ delusions." Snape sneers, looking highly affronted.

The nurse contains her anger about being interrupted again and continues doggedly. "We are getting the psychiatric staff to come up as soon as they can. Of course, being so late it is hard… Your daughter refuses to be separated from him, perhaps you could persuade her… he is who hurt her…"

My parent's fury settles on Snape again. "You hurt our daughter?" They ask together, menacingly.

Snape raises an eyebrow. "I have not harmed a hair on your daughter's head." He pauses. "Recently."

I groan. "Snape, you are not making this easier."

"Snape?" my mother asks.

The nurse hastens to reassure her. "He has delusions that he is Professor Snape, Mrs. Coke."

"Kliford." My mom corrects. "Well, he certainly fits the description. That is one ugly man."

Snape glares at my mother and reaches inside his robes for his wand. "Snape." I snap. "Don't even think about it." Snape leaves the wand in his pocket. He doesn't look happy about it though. We all stand, looking at each other. "This is ridiculous. We have to get back. They are in trouble." I say finally.

"And whose fault, exactly, that we are here and not there?" Snape asks coolly, sneering at me.

I glare back. "I was under a lot of stress."

"Honey, what are you talking about?" my dad asks plaintively.

"Um…" I say intelligently.

Snape doesn't waste time before reminding me of that fact. "Very eloquent. I'm sure they understand completely now." I glare at him again.

I am saved from answering however, when someone else bursts into the room. He rivals Snape for both height and slenderness, but falls slightly short. "I'm here! Aimry! You really are awake!" My brother Liam stops in front of me. "You are absolutely covered in blood." He states. "Kick ass." He looks around the room. "What happened? Demons come from hell? _I_ certainly didn't call them."

"This man can call demons?" Snape asks skeptically.

"Whose the dick with the accent?" Liam glares at Snape.

"That's er… Professor Snape." I say, thinking how stupid I sound.

"Aimry, that is pathetic." He shakes his head. "I know he's ugly, but seriously, the first thing you do when you wake up is think of him? I think that the obsession has gone on long enough." Snape bristles again. Not that I blame him. Everyone is calling him ugly and insulting him. He decides to ignore my brother and looks out the little room window.

Snape frowns. I'm about to ask him what it is when Snape asks, "Isn't that your cousin, Pirhanis?"

"What?" I ask.

Liam looks through the window as well, a mix of anger and sadness on his face. "He went into a coma a few months after you did. Same symptoms. They thought it might be genetic. Or something." He fidgets with the strap of his laptop case.

"Oh." I say, feeling guilty. Wait- laptop case! "Does that thing have Everquest on it?" I ask Liam.

He looks at me blankly and then laughs. My parents frown in disapproval and Snape frowns in incomprehension. "Of course it does. I knew you would ask something stupid first thing."

My mind is fired up. "Give it to me."

"What?" Liam asks. "You're not serious. You're covered in blood. You need medical treatment."

"Aimry, what are you doing?" my dad asks.

I ignore him and snatch the laptop away from Liam. I open it and toss the end of the cord to Snape. "Plug me in, will you, Snape?" I ask. Snape looks at the end in confusion.

"Oh, give me that." Liam says, frustrated. He grabs the cord out of Snape's hand and plugs it into the wall. "This hospital has wireless, right?" He asks the nurse.

"Well, yes… but…"

"No time." I mutter.

My mom looks incredulously at me before bursting in anger. "You've been in a coma for almost a year and not five minutes after seeing us again you're playing that damn game. I can't believe it!"

I look up at her apologetically. "I'm sorry, Mom. I really am. Snape can explain, I'm sure." I wait anxiously as the Everquest Login Screen appears.

"No, I cannot." Snape says irritably. "I have no idea what you think playing some game will help in any way." My mom smiles at Snape. He just got brownie points, as unintentionally as that may have been.

I sigh gustily, typing in my name and password quickly. "Valrac can use Everquest spells in Hogwarts, it stands to reason that it might be connected with the Everquest severs in some way."

Snape stares at me. "No, that does not stand to reason."

"What do you propose we do then?" I snap.

"How am I supposed to know?" He growls.

"I'm in!" I cry. I type in a /who all for Valrac, and locate him in a zone called 'Hogwarts.' "Aha! He is on."

Liam leans over and looks at my screen. "What? Those bastards! They are hacking his account again! They keep changing the password." Liam growls. "And that is copyright violation right there. 'Hogwarts' the zone, indeed."

"What?" My parents and Snape huddle over my screen.

I type in hurriedly: **/tell Valrac holdup im tring to get help… twhats going on?**

There is a second before text appears below what I just typed in.

**Valrac tells you, 'Aimry? What the hell is going on? Where did you go? Why in the world are you talking like that? I can barely understand what you are saying.'**

**/tell Valrac im sorry im typing you see and iut is hard my finfers are slippery with blood and all**

**Valrac tells you, 'Typing? What the hell are you talking about?'**

**/tell Valrac nm that, what going on there?**

**Valrac tells you, 'Nothing much, just everyone being killed by Dementors. They went berserk. I'm fighting with Voldemort, if you can believe it. We're not doing well, it's horrible. Everyone who dies comes back as one of them. I can't even describe how unbelievably disgusting and terrible to try to drive back Dementors with the faces of people you know.'**

**/tell Valrac oh gds, that's horrible… hold on u all… ill think of something**

**Valrac tells you, 'Hurry, we can't hold much longer.'**

I look around in the game. What zone am I in? The Plane of Knowledge. Perfect.

**/shout GM event! Gather arounhd me for tp to GM event! Loot galore, everotne welcome.**

**Kanderiss shouts, 'What kind of GM event has such pathetic non-spelling?'**

**Hornita shouts, 'mnks cant tp, can theY?'**

**/shout listen you bags of bons, im bleeding from the head nad cant type propery. This monk can damn well tp get ur asses over here**

**You are hailed by Kanderiss.**

**Kanderiss tells you, 'what kind of shit is this, Kat?'**

**You grab Kanderiss by the arm and transport him to Hogwarts. **

**Loading, please wait…**

**You have entered Hogwarts.**

The graphics are polygonal and laggy, but the Ravenclaw common room is easily distinguishable.

**Professor Dumbledore says, 'Who are you two? How did you get here?'**

**Professor McGonagall says, 'What is going on?'**

**Kanderiss shouts, 'shit this rox! Verant is getting their asses sued tho.'**

**Kanderiss shouts, 'hells yes, im telling my guid about this shit'**

**Professor Dumbledore says, 'Could you please not shout, they might hear you.'**

**Kanderiss says, 'I love the GMs im sry i wuz mean to u teleporting mnk'**

**Professor Dumbledore says, 'Are you here to help us?'**

**Kanderiss says, ' hells yes! A quest this is gonna rox'**

**Kanderiss says, 'i am here to help you'**

**Professor Dumbledore says, 'Please save us from the Dementors.'**

Kanderiss says, 'I will save you from the dementors' 

The iksar warrior proceeds to chop holes in Dementors. I gate back to Plane of Knowledge.

"How the hell is Katryne gating?" Liam asks in awe. "She's a monk. They don't even have mana." I purse my lips. How to make it easier to get there? I know! I place a new stone in the Plane, right next to the bank.

**/shout new stone enar bank, GM EVENT GM EVENT all welcome!**

**/gu new GM EVENT in pok, come to stone near bank and click, no expansions needed**

**/shout no expansions needd nw GM event! GM EVENT!!**

I sit back from the computer. "I think that's all I can do for now." I sigh.

Liam stares at me in wonder. "How did you do that? You just fucking hacked Everquest! That isn't possible!" He snatches the laptop. "I'm going on this event.. or whatever. Pharen Squar to the rescue! Damn, I need another computer or three. Greatteacher Largo will squash Dementor scum! I've got to tell El! Bufon is going to have a fit!" Liam dashes off down the hall, presumably to a payphone.. or something.

"Aimry, you have some explaining to do." My parents look at me solemnly.

"Yeah…"

"Get back! All of you clear space. It is going to be very crowded in here soon." Valrac pushes the students back against the wall and up into the dorms. Players are spawning in, on top of each other, cramped and squished, and in some instances seemingly inside one another. "All heroes!" The spawning people move around in circles, unable to hear the source of the sound. No matter. "Heroes, attack the Dementors! Thought that hole in the wall!"

"They aren't human, almost none of them are. Why don't you think they will attack us?" Dumbledore looks haggard.

"They won't, this is the event. Hopefully they won't even be able to target us."

"hey, wuts w slash this? Cant target the drughin npcs!"

"nm that, get them!"

"Hail, a Dementor."

Pandemonium breaks out. The colorful characters surge through the opening. Outside the Dementors can be heard shrieking in annoyance and then fear.

"this is fricking one three theree seven xp one"

"What are they saying?" Sirius asks.

Pirhanis sighs. "That one was using leet speak. When typed it looks like words."

"Typed?" Sirius is puzzled.

"They think that they are playing a game. I don't know how, but Aimry is somehow connecting this world with a video game from our world. There they are typing. I don't know how this is going to work out." Pirhanis looks down at his mount in irritation, pulling its head out of Dumbledore's robes. Meeb looks unapologetic with a mouth full of various hard candies. "Damn, I need mana… it's coming back so slowly. I need a KEI." He thumps Meeb's shoulder in irritation. "They have made me mad. Made me go out of mana, evac, evac multiple times _and_ caught me unaware without my new spells. This will not go unpunished." He whips out his book from where it hangs on a chain from his belt. He grumbles to himself. Every so often words can be made out (Sunstrike… Ice Spear of Solist… Greater familiar… heh… bastards… Flaming Sword of Xuzi!… I'll show those punks…)

"Minister, I don't know who these people are… or even what species they are, but it seems like they will help us." An Auror says quietly, eyeing Everquest players and Death Eaters with equal wariness. "How long do you think we can hold them off?"

Dumbledore looks at the wall, thinking. "They were able to pass through the protective shields as though they were nothing. I don't know how effective they will prove to be." He looks through the still-holding haze of protection. "They do seem to be actually killing some of the Dementors. I am not sure if those are just the ones new-made."

Voldemort scowls. "Even that much is better than we were doing. At least their bodies do not rise again."

"An important point. No fallen gamer has turned into a Dementor yet." Deritine muses. "I would assume that is because they are not actually dying."

Valrac suddenly closes his book with a great concussion of air. "Done. They will pay dearly for what they have done. Mahosama, Lord of Dark Magic, Keeper of the Blood Magic, Scion of the Hateful Prince will rip out your souls and feed them to the pink bunnies of DOOM you worthless undead maggots!"

"gud to ceee ya bek too yur hold selph hiccup cusin mine." Pirhanis whirls around to see a giant ogre stumbling sideways, giant spear precariously swaying in the air. "Guddimit! Ime drunk oph me asp. Goddm tha beer summining phishin pole of doom. Ah wheel… I biit many a char wobbling an hiccup crapper…"

"Greatteacher!" Valrac cries happily.

A short man in red armor lands on Greatteacher's head. The dwarf cleric grumbles and stands up, dodging the giant spear. "Liam, keep hat thing in control will u?"

"Bufon! There are people here wounded, can you help." Valrac asks.

"hah! I told u all that area of effect heal was going to b useful, an now look!" Bufon sits, holding a book in his lap, then stands, holding a scepter glowing with blue power. "Incoming Area of Effect Heal, prepare for the blessings of the Gods." Blue cascades over the assembled people, like soft snow settling on everyone. Cuts seal themselves, aches vanish, some near death revive with grateful confusion. "u with us Pirhanis?" Bufon asks. "we were planning to group and take out the boss assuming u know who it is."

Pirhanis smiles wickedly. "Oh, yes, I know exactly who it is, and It has a lot to pay for." He kicks Meeb's head out of the flower arrangement and starts to move toward the exit. A white bear flickers into existence on top of the flowers and Meeb looks at it reproachfully.

"fine, just remember taht not all the undead are enemies, im gona use my lynch form." Pharen floats over the rubble, black robes billowing and instilling terror in the Hogwarts residents, but his large scythe sets him apart from the Dementors. "im gonna talk on this toon, gt is completely smashed, as im sure u noticed." He passes through the curtain of spells, followed closely by a stumbling Greatteacher and a lumbering white bear.

Bufon smiles up at Valrac, holding a summoned hammer. "bufon the cleric is no more, it is time to kick some undead ass." Valrac follows the blood-lusting healer out into… chaos.

Outside the semi-calm of the Common Room, the world is chaos. Everywhere things are dying. Goblins attack a group of Questers beside the doorway, dragging down a plate-glad troll as others cast devastating spells and hack at them with steel weapons. Dementors surround another group, they look pale and then static-filled before winking out entirely.

Clerics and paladins seem to be having the most luck, casting holy spells and driving back the hordes. Blood is everywhere and makes footing slippery. The group is suddenly confronted with three Dementors, one original and two made from Hufflepuffs. The white bear growls and quickly casts a root spell on the three in quick succession, sending insects to fly around their heads. "pano has them slowed, lets attack the closest one first." Pharen shouts as he brings the scythe down on its head.

Pirhanis glares at the Dementor, wrath unfolding inside him like a deadly sword being pulled from a scabbard. "You were lucky last time, fools. Now I am prepared to deal thee thy death." He twists his hand above his head and incants briefly, a spear of ice growing above his wide-spread palm. With a violent motion he tosses it through the center of the things chest. It falls over and the unnatural life leaves its body. It looks like a student again.

Bufon gives his cousin a grim nod. He takes care of the next, smiting it with a double blow from his hammer and an undead nuke spell. It dies as well, collapsing back onto the ground with a look something like peace on the young face. That leaves only the true Dementor.

"This one will be harder, those other two… they were newly created."

"I cant believe these monsters… even with this crappy graphics card I can see how young he is." Pharen growls. "they will pay." Together they strike the Dementor with undead banishing spells, melee attacks with magical weapons and occasional bites from Pano's bear mouth. Finally the root wears off and the horrible creature flees before they can kill it or root it again. "dam. Oh well. Pir, can u see the boss?"

Pirhanis looks over the fighting, ignoring who is winning at the moment to find that one figure worth every once of rage swelling in his soul. He spots It, cackling madly at the carnage and looking happier and healthier by the minute. "I can see It. That bastard is actually enjoying this. I think he is sucking the life from the battle. We need to stop him."

Pharen snorts. "dam that guy is evil.. im impressed."

Pirhanis hisses at the necromancer. "Don't even think about liking It. It has killed children today. Killed them for no reason at all. It kills for pleasure, sick, twisted pleasure. There is nothing cool or 'impressive' about it. You can hide behind your pixels but I don't have the luxury."

Pharen bows before Pirhanis. "u are right. Im sorry. Its just that I cant see it like that… it is very much like eq, you no?" He raises his scythe and swings it experimentally. "I say we take this bastard on, ill have pano casting root every 2 secs if thts what it takes."

Now all of the enemy but the Dementors have been destroyed. The five run past groups of trolls, ogres, iksar, vah'shir, froglock, elves and humans in various outfits attacking the Dementors. They do not stop to help. If this battle is to end, there is only one important battle. They stop before It, weapons ready.

It laughs in their faces. "Come to challenge me? How amusing. You all reek of the one I seek, do you know her? I like her intestines especially. The blood seems tastier clawed from her organs, don't you agree?"

"wat are u talking about?" Bufon growls.

"I believe her name is Aimry. Yes, I think that's right." It laughs at the expression on their faces.

"wut did u do to my sister you astarD!" Pharen and Bufon growl.

It simply laughs again. "Nothing she didn't want, the masochist. I suggest killing her yourselves, she is worthless for anything but death energy."

"tahts it slimetard! U and all u kno will die and become my minion!" Pharen lashes out with his scythe as Pano barks out the root and slow spells and Greatteacher whips his spear at the Dementor's head with all the ferocity a drunken ogre can muster. Which is a considerable amount.

Bufon is to angry to type, he simply blasts the heinous wretch with all the light and healing he can muster.

Pirhanis pulls out his new flaming sword of Xuzi and slashes down with it, casting Sunstrike along its length, screaming, "You foul spawn of ooze! I will send you to sleep with your brethren in the deepest pits of Hell where you will cower in fear for nothing they will do to you there will ever equal the wrath I unleash on you now!"

Just before the coordinated attack hits It, It looks faintly worried and It's eyes widen. Then the spells rip into It's body. It shrieks in pain, nearly bursting Pirhanis' eardrums and sending shock waves up sword, spear and hammer alike. It looks at It's torn flesh and tries to run, only to be unable to move. Enraged it attacks the party, motions almost looking like they are underwater from the slow spells. "Attack it again!" Pirhanis crows, bloodlust in full swing. "It is hurt but we will show it the true meaning of pain!" They continue to smite It with the fury of the gods, It's flesh seems to glow from within from all the spells cast on it. Slowly it is weakening.

"donw to 10 health! Keep it up!" Pharen yells.

"How does it feel to be on the receiving end of pain?" Pirhanis yells, casting yet another wave of fire and ice onto the pathetic body.

It begins to laugh again. "If you kill me now, worthless humans, I will come back. I can feel her on you, she is in my body. The heavens will reject me and you will make me mortal. Just do it, kill me. You will be doing me a favor."

"teh heavens would reject u anyway u sick fck!" Pharen yells, scything through its flesh and exposing bone.

Pirhanis, however, draws back in horror. "Wait, It might be right. Stop hitting him!" He blocks another strike from Bufon with his flaming sword.

Bufon glares at him. "ur not going to believe it r u? its a bad guy. They always say shit like that when theyre trying no to die."

"I know." Pirhanis says, closing his eyes. "But what if It's right? We would be dooming ourselves to It for all eternity." It looks at them gleefully.

"its here now! thats all that matters1 we need it ded now, not in the future." Pharen gestures with his scythe impatiently.

"And if It comes back and you all aren't here to help? What then?" Pirhanis asks fiercely.

"and just what do u propose we do with it?" Bufon asks.

"We can bind it, hold it until they can seal it away." Pirhanis says urgently.

"yeah, that always works well. I cant think of a single movie with a plot like that." Pharen snorts sarcastically.

"Shut it. I don't see you coming up with a brilliant idea to solve the problem!" Pirhanis hisses.

"ive got one, get him back!" Bufon tears after the retreating Dementor. "dammit, could u not remember to root it while yelling, liam. Now its getting away!"

They follow the cackling specter, but even with the Spirit of Bih'Li to aid their speed, they are still unable to catch up with it. In a burst of insane laughter, it disappears. "Gods damn It all to the deepest Hells and burn with the fire of a thousand Dragon's tongues covered in the acid of their guts and slowly torn and eaten alive by a horde of plague rats!" Pirhanis curses. The look around at the carnage. They are halfway down the hill to the lake, surrounded in corpses both friendly and not. Above them players are ninja looting corpses and milling aimlessly. The battle is over, but far from won. Wearily they trudge back up the hill, slipping back every few steps from the slickness of the ground. "Pano? Can you cast Spirit of the Eagle on us please?" Pano pauses briefly and they are all floating a good foot off the ground. Meeb looks down at the bobbing ground before marching onwards back into the castle. Inside a weary Dumbledore greats the EQ players.

Kanderiss steps forward. "Hail, Professor Dumbledore." He says quietly.

"Thank you for helping us, friends." Dumbledore sighs. Behind him black-robed men with silver masks sneak away rather unstealthily, but no one cares enough to stop them. They are too tired of death to attempt to interfere.

"What is our reward?" Kanderiss asks promptingly. "the loot wuz good, but not that great."

"Hopefully your experience here has taught you much. That is all I can offer." Dumbledore says sadly. "As you can see we have little to offer anymore."

"thats weak…" Kanderiss begins, but is unable to finish the sentence.

A chiming female voice floats down from an un-identified source. "Adventure over. Returning to Home Point, please wait…" All the players freeze and slowly, a few at a time, wink out.

Pirhanis laughs humorlessly. "Funny, I always thought of the announcer being male." He turns around to survey the tired and burned-out looking faces staring up at him. He climbs off Meeb and for once the Drogmor stays put, looking lost and forlorn.

Dumbledore looks shell-shocked as well, and no wonder. The piles of corpses glare accusingly with dead eyes, monuments to the folly of war. "We can do no more for these poor souls. Let us see to the survivors first and then give them a decent burial." The living look on in despair at the chaos that had once been their idyllic and magical school. None of them will ever be the same again. And the horrors of the night are not even begun.

()()()()()()()

A/N2 : Poll up for who I should kill off. Haven't decided fully yet who kicked the can. Obviously characters in the story are still alive and Ron is dead. Any other suggestions welcome. Next chapter will likely come soonish too, I'm as excited typing as you are all reading, I'm sure. A unique experience, edge of the seat typing…


	23. Depression Rises before the Fall

They finally tapped down the last shovel of dirt for the last body. The sheer numbers of the dead and the exhaustion of the magical energies of the living had dictated a quick and quite burial. No one has the energy for a drying charm much less a complicated preservation weaving. The tallies of the dead had been depressing to attempt much less complete. The Ministry and Order casualties had been high enough, but more disturbing were the student losses. Almost all of Hufflepuff was gone, those who had been in the common rooms had been completely wiped out. The few who had been with the main student body had fared slightly better, but their loyalty to the school caused them to be some of the last students defending the Great Hall. Gryffindors were next hardest hit. Like the Hufflepuffs, those remaining in the dorms had been slain mercilessly. More had come running at the commotion, however, and had retreated safely to the Ravenclaw common room. Bravery took another hefty toll on the Gryffindors. The Ravenclaws mostly managed to escape casualties, but even so almost every year had friends to mourn. The best off were the Slytherins who, almost to the man, had port-keyed out of the common room at the instant of the attack. Apparently someone had set it to go off and port anyone touching anything (including the floor) that it was touching in a radius as large as its stored magical power. They had all been safely deposited in a small shop in Knockturn Alley. More disturbing than the deaths are the missing. Most notably Ron, but some others as well can not be found anywhere and due to the circumstances of the battle, most assume that these poor souls are still trapped as Dementors.

Grisly task completed as the last shreds of morning fog are burnt away by the sun, the survivors trudge back to the Ravenclaw dormitory. Most of the rest of the castle will need a small army of cleansing witches and wizards before it can be one again habitable. And no one has the energy, either in spirit, magic or body to even contemplate the task. Their only blessing is that no one remains injured after Bufon cast his area of effect healing on the survivors. The Slytherins are pointedly ostracized and wander back to their dorm mostly in a daze. The rest of the school settles into the Ravenclaw dorms, fully depressed when only a few need to double up in the beds.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"We have to get back there somehow." I growl, pacing back and forth in the kitchen of my parent's home. Snape grunts non-commitally around his Mike's Hard Lemonade, the "Absolutely unacceptable but irritatingly only" option for alcohol in the house. Or at least the only kind that I would know where to find it. "It is all my fault what happened with…" I gulp. "It."

Snape slams down his drink with a grimace and glares at me. "I fail to see how restating the obvious will achieve anything of importance. You transported us here…" He waves dismissively at the house in particular and the world in general. "and only your convoluted ideas that come together to form your incomprehensible brain can alter anything about that fact." I let my head hit the table. Why had I even sub-consciously thought that he might have something constructive to say?

"The shower is ready. I put towels in it for you." My mother interrupts with divine timing. "Aimry, do you want to go first?"

"After you." Snape says with a smirk and an exaggerated bow.

"And they say chivalry is dead." I mutter under my breath.

A long, hot, steamy, blissful time later I emerge from the shower with a towel wrapped around my middle. "Your turn, Snape."

He looks up from his hushed discussion with my mother and glares critically. "Do you not have any semblance of propriety?" He asks finally. My mother beams a look at him. I glare back.

"It _is_ my house. But if it bothers you so much…" I drop the towel and summon some clothing. I end up in pajamas, of course, but that is fine by me. It certainly is time for sleep.

My mom stutters slightly when she asks, "Aimry, where did those clothes come from?"

I blink then flush. "Oh, well, I uh…"

"Were completely ignoring the consequences of your actions and doing solely what was convenient to you at the time disregarding the affect it might have on other people." Snape sneers.

I stare at him for a moment before sinking down into a nearby chair. "Yeah, I guess that about sums it up."

"The clothing, it just came from nowhere… I…" My mom trails off with a glazed look in her eyes.

I sigh. "Don't worry about it, Mom. A lot of really weird things are going on that I don't really want to get into."

Snape rises to his feet in a sweeping gesture somewhat impaired from his tattered and dangling robes. "I shall take that shower now." He glides into the bathroom, leaving me alone with my parent who appears to be quite in shock.

"Ok, mom… here's what happened…"

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

A veritable horde of reporters descends on Hogwarts later in the day. With most of his remaining strength Dumbledore asks Hogwarts to bar them entry. The castle happily complies. Nothing short of attacking the school will bring down the somewhat damaged wards, a step that the reporters are not (yet) willing to go take.

Pirhanis doesn't bother opening his eyes when the bed shifts with the weight of someone settling on its other side. Deritine's voice barely has time to whisper, "Are you sure you don't want to…" before Pirhanis interrupts him again.

"No! Not only would it be disturbingly close to incest, you're a guy and I have no liking of you." Pirhanis growls, eyes firmly shut.

"That can be changed, who do you want me to be?"

"No." Pirhanis says softly. "And if you ask me again I will castrate you and feed you your own balls by shoving them so far up your ass they will come out your mouth."

Deritine lays back with a disconsolate sigh. "A lot of people find comfort in sex, you know."

"Good for them."

"Why, young Harry and Draco…"

"Finish that sentence and I will carry out my threat _after_ sending you to the deepest pits of the tenth hell and strung you up by your annoyingly talkative tongue."

"Fine, be that way. I'm going to sleep."

"Good."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

Harry absently strokes Reling on the head as he thinks. All his male Gryffindor year mates are gone. Dead. He feels like he should be feeling something, anything, but there is nothing. Hadn't Dumbledore said that how he was different than Voldemort was his ability to feel? Where are those emotions now? All he feels is an emptiness. Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus… all gone. He is never going to see them again. Except perhaps Ron, but he will be worse off than dead. When the tears finally come it is like they broke some hidden barrier in Harry's soul. He feels like his being is ripping out in his tears, every sob cutting to the center of his self with unrelenting precision. When he is gathered and put to a shoulder he hardly notices. When the howling misery subsides to hiccupping sobs he looks up into the face of his godfather. "They're all gone, Sirius. I'm never going to see them again. They're _dead_." Sirius wipes Harry's cheek with a soft cloth, removing some of the salty liquid. "What am I going to do?"

Sirius shakes his head and sighs. "You just have to keep living, Harry. If only for revenge. We can get the ones responsible so that this never happens again." Harry nods and feels the anger burning in the pit of his stomach. He much prefers it to the unbearable empty sadness and lets it fill him. He lets his head fall onto his godfather's shoulder once more.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"I'm sorry, Draco. It looks like they were specifically targeted. We found your mother in a ring of dead Death Eaters. Your father is… missing. They put up quite the fight."

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore." Draco intones mechanically. "I should go get some more sleep."

Dumbledore looks worriedly at the young man. "Do you have anything you want to tell me?" He asks finally.

"No, sir." Draco says, then turns and leaves the small private room, wandering back into the Ravenclaw common room and making his way past to where he had been assigned to sleep. Hermione follows him up. When Draco flops ungracefully on the bed and lies as one dead she approaches cautiously.

"Draco, are you alright?" she asks uneasily.

"Who cares?"

"I do." She says, coming to stand by the bed.

Draco looks up at her with cold withdrawn eyes. "My parents were killed in the attack." He says without emotion.

"Oh, gods, Draco…" Hermione whispers softly, sinking to her knees to bring her chest level with his head. She ducks slightly and lays an arm over his shoulder. After a short time he shudders and grabs her in a crushing hug almost frightening in its intensity.

"Just, just stay here, Hermione." He chokes raggedly. Hermione slips into bed next to Draco as he chokes on his sobs and cries.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

Snape reemerges from the shower wearing a green shirt with "Make 7" on the front and plaid flannel pants. I blink slowly and snort with laughter. "What are you wearing?" I ask finally.

"Well, his clothing was quite… shredded, so I gave him some of your brother's to wear for the time being." My mother cuts in.

Snape raises an eyebrow. "Indeed."

I chuckle and laughingly ask, "Why don't you just summon something?"

"Unlike you I do not have endless magical energy, nor the ability or inclination to summon things out of the air for my own pleasure." Snape spins on his heal and heads past us into the guest bedroom.

"Touchy." My mom says.

I snort. "You're telling me."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

Lucius wakes up with a splitting head ache and a groan. He sits up and looks around him. _Where am I? What happened?_ He seems to be in some sort of paved courtyard. In front of him is what looks like a small altar or porch with stairs leading up to a small pillar. With a grunt of effort he levers himself to his feet and walks over to read the inscription. "The Overthere." He reads as he traces the writing with one finger. A tug pulls him by the navel and he feels panic rising as he is portkeyed… where?

Lucius looks around. He is now in a open plane with ruins behind him. A statue of a book on a pedestal is by the wall, but due to recent experiences he is wary of it. He backs up a step and none too soon as a giant man pops into existence right where he had been standing. Lucius stumbles back. "Pardon you, sir!" He shouts. A bearded face with blue designs painted all over it looks down at him.

"wut?" He asks.

"Are you stupid or just low-born? You nearly knocked me over. I demand an apology!" Lucius crosses his arms and waits.

The barbarian squints at Lucius. His eyes widen. "i though they wree joking! U really are a hp character. i guess they havnt gotten all the bugs out yet. i need to report this…" The man's eyes loose focus.

Lucius scowls. "What are you talking about? Where am I? Who are you?"

The barbarian focuses on Lucius again. "whut, are u some sort of role playing haxor? Whats up with that? Your in the overthere of course. Read the text." He points above his head.

"What text?" Lucius asks after puzzling through the stilted speech.

The barbarian throws Lucius an annoyed look. "Push f10." He calls over his shoulder as her runs far faster than humanly possible off into the plain.

"F10?" Lucius asks to the air and is shocked when an array of text seems to pop up in his vision. He turns his head and they continue to cover everything. "What in the world?!?" He stumbles back into the statue of the book. The sick feeling of a portkey takes hold of him again. He lands back in the same courtyard he woke up in. He stands with legs apart and braced, looking around with large eyes at the text describing what he is seeing.

A very short and squat man runs by and Lucius reads "Venerable Gottchur Neez" above the man's head. Lucius backs up slowly and sits down on a nearby low wall, holding his head in his hands. "What is going on?" He asks rhetorically.

A gong sounds from everywhere and nowhere and a voice begins to read along with the text flowing at the bottom of the screen.

"SYSTEMWIDE MESSAGE: Everquest is experiencing abnormal activity due to an individual or group of hackers. Sony Online Entertainment disclaims all responsibility for characters and situations owned by Warner Brothers, Scholastic and J.K.Rowling. Please report all abnormal activity through /petition. Servers may be taken down to deal with this problem."

Lucius rubs his temples in an attempt to make the headache and the boxes with letters go away. "What in the world is going on?" He asks rhetorically.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

The castle of Hogwarts is almost deathly quite. The few who remain are all asleep or staring blankly into space. Not even Peeves breaks the calm. There has been too much chaos even for him. Everyone tries to recoup from their losses and, at least for the time being, they are too tired for nightmares.

A/N: Sorry it's short and taken forever to be posted, but there are several very good reasons for this. Firstly- it is the semester of HELL and I have no free time at all. Well, ok, a little bit, but that hour a week is devoted to mindless activities for the most part and recently a lot of Halo2. Which rocks, by the way. Also- this chapter was really depressing to write with not much humor, I'm sure its about as much fun to read. But it had to happen and leaping right back into the humor in the same chapter felt wrong. Worry not, there is much coming up. Whahaha. Also, probably a lot of fluff and such as, despite what I say about it, the characters need some comforting and stress relief. Damn them. But don't worry, all 3 of you who review and don't know me personally. I am not dropping the story, just insanely busy. sigh


	24. Professional Revenge

A/N: Glossary of EQ terms at the end (partial).

Edited: 1/25/06, hopefully less disjointed now

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

Lucius ducks under the arms of a giant brute that obviously does not bathe as often as he should. "I don't know what you are talking about 'GM' nor this 'haxor' business. I would advise you to stop… hey!" Lucius jumps sideways as a bright light shoots from a short drow's ring. "If you would please stop doing that!"

"Hold still you hacking bastard! We are tracking your IP as we speak and will be disabling your account shortly."

Lucius skips sideways and quips, "Well, then stop casting spells at me and just work on that." He points his wand at the nearest- a high elf female- and blows her away with an Avada Kedavra.

The remaining GMs glare. "We would but you are hiding it quite well. Answer our questions now!"

"Oh yes, that is perfectly feasible with you casting spells at me." Lucius finally kills the last of them and turns around, panting. He blinks at the large crowd of colorful characters gathered around him and settles into a fighting crouch again.

"That was amazing! How did you do that? They were GMs!" A short man with curly hair and furry feet says while jumping up and down ecstatically.

"It was so cool! Kill the guards too!" A really tall green-skinned and utterly hideous creature asks. "Those Freeport guards were really starting to piss me off with their whole trolls-must-die attitude. I only want to get some xp for orc belts. I mean, seriously. It would be nice to go to the bank, or buy food even."

"Who are you people?" Lucius asks them.

"We are totally your groupies. Here, join our guild! You can be the leader."

Lucius's ears perk metaphorically and he leans forward. "Oh? Your leader?" He smiles politically. "I accept."

You have become the leader of Raiders of the Lost Tavern.

A grin of pure evil spreads across Malfoy Sr.'s face. "This will be entertaining."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

I toss in my bed. It isn't that it is uncomfortable- far from it. This is the bed that has served me well for many years. No, something else keeps me from the restful slumber that I would really like to have, considering the day it had been. I sigh and get up. My dog grumbles from the bed but decides not to bother overly with the whole thing and stretches out to take up the whole bed instead of merely three quarters of it. I pet the mutt on the head absently and pad off toward the kitchen.

I open the fridge and look in, staring off into the white lights and completely spacing out until a hand drops on my shoulder and I wheel around with a choked scream. I stare for a second before comprehending the bottle being offered to me. I look up into Snape's face.

"Would this be what you were looking for?"

"Errr…"

When I hesitate, he shrugs and takes another drink from the bottle of rum. He moves very slowly and with a look of great concentration places it just barely on the counter. I push the bottle to a more secure perch. Snape glares at the bottle. "Insufferable drink…" He mutters, then walks with a slight wobble over to the couch.

I grab the rum and after a quick search locate the cap. I take a sip of the stuff and raise my eyebrows in appreciation as it burns a happy trail down my stomach. I twist the cap on it as I follow, mostly amused. "Severus, I do believe you are drunk."

"Nonsense."

"Hmm." I sit down next to him on the couch and keep the rum out of his reach when he grabs for it. "Well, I suppose this means you found where my parents store the good stuff." I take another swig and hum in approval.

Snape sneers. "It was not difficult to find. Any person with an ounce of deductive reasoning would have been able to locate it."

"Oh? Was it buried under a giant 'X'?"

"The refrigerator in the garage."

"Oh." I lean back with an embarrassed cough, hiding my face behind the bottle again. "I guess I never looked very hard."

Snape snorts and leans back as well.

"So, why are you still up?" I ask after a moment of silence, swirling the bottle around for the satisfying liquid swish before taking another sip and offering it to Snape.

He takes a long swig before answering, I raise my eyebrow that he can drink that much and not spontaneously combust."It probably has something to do with the complete insecurity of being in a world utterly separated from everything remotely familiar and dependent on the whims of a being that exists to torment you."

"Ah." I don't really know what to say about that. "Well, don't worry about being dependent. I am in your debt, after all."

Severus snorts. "How did you arrive at that inane idea?"

"You had no hesitation when I dumped myself in you lap."

"The Headmaster had no hesitation. I was quite eager to hand you over to Filch, or perhaps Hagrid."

"Nonetheless, I didn't get dumped with them, I got dumped with you. I thought that I should return the favor."

Snape groans. "So I shall look forward to months of torture and mentally fraying experiences?"

I pale and gulp. "No, I expect you are too Slytherin to be an idiot and take the blame for things like I did. But I doubt anything like what happened there will happen here, Deritine's not here after all."

"Oh good. Perhaps I will be attacked in the bath again." Severus sneers.

I feel a flash of anger spark behind my eyes and I turn to poke the older man in his bony 'Make 7 UP Yours' covered chest. "Listen, you! I know you haven't been having a fun time, but it hasn't been a bed of roses for me either." I poke a couple more times for emphasis before Snape catches my short fingers with his long ones.

"You have made that abundantly clear every time you push your inane thoughts into my skull." He growls.

I pull my fingers from his grip sharply. "I don't do it on purpose, no more than you do it on purpose. You think I enjoy this?"

"Of course you do, not only do you press yourself on me, but you can relive every sordid event from my past." He smirks. "What else could you desire?" I sit, trying to formulate some sort of response. Snape snorts and sits back. I can feel the emotions rolling off him of disgust and irritation.

Finally I sigh and look up at him. "You're right. Not that this is what I wanted. It's not. I hope you know that… but… I don't know what to do. Everything I try just makes it worse. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I thought it was all in my head. And now? Now nothing is working. I'm sorry." He snorts derisively. Instead of anger I feel like my energy drained away. I slump down onto the couch. "I don't know how to fix it. If there's something you think would help, I'm all ears." I close my eyes and sigh.

After a long and strained pause, finally Severus breaks the silence. "You might start with asking for aid." My eyes snap open and I look over at him. "This world, the worlds, much as it may seem at times, do not revolve exclusively around your person."

I smile sadly. "I used to believe that, but now I'm not so sure."

"Believe it. It only seems that way. You are merely a pawn in some larger purpose, I am sure." Snape's memories flash to images of Dumbledore and one disheveled young scared brat. Both he and the boy had danced to the tune set by the Headmaster and the Dark Lord, yet another reason to hate the foolish blind boy walking down a path that Snape himself had not seen until far too late. Though hopefully, Potter will end up at a different end. Bitter though he is, Snape does not wish such a life on anyone. Snape subconsciously rubs where the dark mark had so recently marred his flesh.

After a silence not quite companionable but at least tolerant I laugh shortly. Severus looks up at me and I snort. "Do you know I used to draw that thing on my arm when I was bored at lectures? I can't imagine doing it now, but it seemed a good idea at the time." I trace the area of the former mark on his pale forearm delicately. "Fortunately the permanent marker wasn't really. Besides, I got the design all wrong." Snape makes a non-committal noise but makes no move to pull his arm away. The alcohol has him relaxed and sleepy. I wouldn't be surprised if he just passes out on the couch tonight. "I guess in the end it doesn't matter much. I got yours and Pirhanis got mine and we see where that landed everyone. Another mess. But I should probably just get used to that."

"Undoubtedly." Snape mutters with a yawn, eyes closing entirely as he slumps over. I smile and let him lean on me so that I can get at the rum in his hand. I take a few fortifying swigs myself, leaning back and settling comfortably under Severus' warm body as I contemplate. I sigh and cap the bottle, setting it down by the couch.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"We finally got rid of all those fucking reporters." Pirhanis sighs. "They could have been here when we could have really used the wizard- and witch-power."

Dumbledore sighs as well. "At least the remaining able-bodied witches and wizards will be on their guard. And I can't in good conscious keep the students here any longer. The remaining children without parents after this affair will remain here."

Pirhanis looks over at the older wizard. "Will we continue classes?"

Deritine looks up from where he had been idly spinning a fork. "We must. These kids are in the worst danger imaginable. They are near us, after all. And we are, what was it? 'Close to the one It seeks?'"

Pirhanis grimaces. "A good point. Maybe we should…"

"Run off like bloody Gryffindors and try to fend for ourselves? What kind of Slytherin are you anyway?" Deritine throws the fork down in a clatter of disgust. "Besides, we don't know if those kids have the 'taint' too, as it were. They've been around us all enough. I still think it was a bad idea to let them leave. What if It tracks them down?"

"There was no way I could guarantee their safety if they stay here and thus no way I can keep them from their parents. I'm in dire legal straits as it is." Dumbledore looks particularly put upon.

"What about Voldemort, Professor?" Sirius asks. "Do you think that there is a possibility of him causing trouble for us or is he as drained as we are from the attacks by the Dementors?"

"I think for now we are safe from attacks from that sector." Dumbledore looks pensively out the window. "I have a feeling the both of us will be looking for a way to effectively kill those Dementors without relying on Aimry to randomly sweep in to save the day."

"There must be some way for us to fight them! What about that spell that you taught me Headmaster? Is that a start?" Sirius asks.

"Yes, that may be a start. Together with a Patronus…" Dumbledore stands abruptly, determined twinkle in his eyes. "We need to do some research."

Pirhanis smiles in glee and Deritine groans with Sirius.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"Aimry?" comes a surprised voice. I start awake and try to twist around to the speaker of my name, loosing my somewhat precarious perch and spilling unceremoniously onto the hard tile. "Aimry! You're awake? You're home! When did this happen? And why are you sleeping on the couch?" My brother Elliott looks down at my grumbling form on the floor then back up to the couch with a start. "And who is that?" He looks at me slyly. "Not out of a coma a day and we already caught ourselves a new mate, eh?" I glare at Elliott, my own weak version of the Death Glare ™.

"Yes, I'm awake and back. Where were you last night?"

He chuckles. "It still is last night, I'm going to bed since that raid finally closed down." He yawns. "It was an amazing raid, though! I got to level 70 in only a few hours. That even beats my record of going from 60 to 65 in five days. That was a level an hour almost." Elliott sighs happily, eyes shining in remembrance.

"And yet you still don't have your clicker." I chuckle.

He glares at me. I am unimpressed, as half-asleep drunken men have given stronger glares to me in the past twelve hours. "A cleric's epic is very difficult to gather, requiring much skill and great persistence. The clicker is one of the hardest such quests."

"Oh don't give me that, you're just lazy."

"And you still haven't told me about him." He changes the subject, waving his hand to indicate the Potions Master. "Nor explained why he has stolen Liam's clothes." His eyes widen and I turn to see Snape grumpily reaching over the side of the couch and grabbing my T. He pulls and I follow until my front it once again on top of his chest.

I hear muttered curses and invectives pertaining mostly to lack of sleep, stealing of covers and too much light. I turn back to my brother. "Er... this is Professor Snape. His clothes were rather ripped up so mom gave him some of Liam's since they are about the same size. I do believe that he is even less of a morning person than I am."

"Wow. That's pretty tough. What does he do? Attack you when you wake him before noon?" Elliott looks mildly impressed but more deeply disturbed.

"Yeah, pretty much." I sigh and lay my head down on his chest. "Though usually not because he was woken up, more because _I_ woke him up."

Elliott frowns. "But you can't honestly think that that is Snape? I mean, he's a book character, right? That one you are always obsessed about?"

I sigh and shift a bit more comfortably over the (obviously out of his right mind) Potions Professor. "It's a long story."

"Spill it." I give him the general gist in a low murmur, trying to avoid waking Snape and prematurely finding myself in inevitable pain from the sleeping arrangements.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

Voldemort stands in a much diminished circle of followers. He scans them, feeling them through the Mark. Most are injured and tired. He is inwardly raging but outwardly calm. "My loyal followers. I do believe that it is time for a change in policy. These Dementors present more of a threat than do Dumbledore's group." He smirks evilly. "However, this Dementor seems to want to kill the ones we want dead, at least for the moment. So what we need is information. You all have your tasks." The Death Eaters Disparate quickly away.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"_He wasss right there! Why did you keep me from sssinking my fangsss into hisss disssgusssting flesssh!"_

Harry glares at Reling. "_We were being attacked! You couldn't just kill one of the people working with us, even if it was Voldemort. Even you couldn't kill those things with your venom."_

The snake squirms uncomfortably. "_While it isss true I couldn't kill them, ssstill! I agreed to ssstay with you to take that monssstrous excussse for a human off the fassse of the earth."_

"_I know, but just think strategy here. When we agreed to that… everyone was alive and it was a completely different situation."_ He chokes slightly and hangs his head.

Reling rubs Harry's back with a loop of coil. "_You are right. Ssstill that creature mussst be brought to jussstice. But I can sssee when you sssay that thisss immediate threat mussst be taken care of firssst."_

"Harry? Are you all right?" Hermione asks, coming in through the door with arm looped around Draco's waist.

Harry looks up at her arm with a raised eyebrow. "I see you two know each other better than you did before." He smiles weakly. "What happened?"

Draco sighs and sits on the couch next to Harry, Hermione following and sitting next to him. "We came to an understanding."

"And you didn't answer my question, Harry."

"I'll be fine, I'm sure. I always am." Harry shifts a bit as Reling pokes his head out of the teen's shirt and tastes the air.

"You spend too much time talking to that snake, Harry." Hermione says, worriedly.

Harry frowns and strokes a finger along the lower jaw of the large snake. "I can spend as much time with him as I want."

"I think what she means is, we've all had a really rough week of it, and maybe you should talk to other people about it. That helped us, me." Draco looks down at the floor. "I lost my parents, but you still have your god-father. You should talk to him."

Harry looks down as well. "I have been. He's not the most cheerful bloke in Britain. Reling at least is somewhat optimistic."

Hermione looks at the two guys and gulps. "It's hard to be optimistic… but if you need me, I'm here. I lost Ron, too." She gulps and wipes away tears. "He was my friend, too."

"I know Hermione." Harry looks up into her eyes and smiles weakly.

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

I find myself on the floor for the second time that day, this time by the expedient of Snape pushing me there. "What?" I grumble, picking myself up.

"I have informed you of the consequences of waking up to find you in your bed. And to think I thought you sincere in your apology last night." Snape growls.

I brush off my side half-heartedly, not really thinking I can get any of the dog hair off without serious effort. "First of all, that isn't a bed. Secondly, we fell asleep in mostly the same position- as you recall, unless you were too drunk at the time; so I hardly think why that would change. Thirdly, you were the one that pulled me back up muttering about blankets. And most importantly, I was sincere, so you can just stuff it unless you have something constructive to say." Both of us are startled by the applause.

"That was great, Aimry." Elliott waves us to continue. "Oh, sorry, don't mind me."

"I see that at least part of it is genetic. I suppose you can't help that." Snape comments dryly.

"Ooh, burn." Elliott laughs. "Well, I'll leave the two of you to it, I want to get some alone time with the XBOX before Mom wakes up of Liam gets back from wherever he is."

I turn back to Snape after watching my brother turn the corner to the game room. "Well, now that we're up, I guess breakfast is in order. Would you like some eggs?"

"Please."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"Charge minions! Don't fear death, you will only be resurrected, after all! Attack the GMs! Follow me! Game Masters are only keeping you all back from your potential!" Lucius waves his Staff of the Serpent over his head and whoops, settling the iksar bandit mask over his features for dramatic effect and kicking his white horse into gear, charging with the exponentially increasing horde behind him. "I will liberate this game! Hacking and moding for everyone! And anyone with a supremely efficient character or witty name, worry not! I will not nerf your character! Survival of the fittest!" A roar of approval rises behind the charging stallion and slightly insane rider. In front of them lies all the dragons and gods of Norath, arrayed to crush the hackers as they cannot seem to shut down the servers nor boot any of the characters nor freeze the accounts. Lucius bashes Trakanon on the snout and the huge green dragon roars indignantly. Lucius laughs maniacally and bonks it again on the nose. "Well…" he looks up, "Trakanon, do you, what was it they said? Ah yes. Do you want a piece of me you overgrown mutated Norwegian Ridgeback?" Trakanon's eyes cross and he looks vaguely surprised when the next blow kills him handily. As the great body falls, the cheers become deafening, and the chimes of the level-up notifications almost out competes it for volume. "Come and get a piece of this you meddling prats!"

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"I don't know if we'll be able to find anything useful at the lab, but I'm sure you'd like to see it anyway." I comment as I twist the key in the ignition. "Hey, Severus, fasten your seatbelt." He looks at me with an expression of mixed contempt and hopeless confusion. I lean over and buckle it for him. "Honestly, don't they teach you anything about Muggles? Never mind." I back out of the driveway and head off to the University lab I'd been working at before this whole mess started.

"Why do you assume that I will enjoy this lab of yours?" Snape asks, poking at various console buttons dubiously.

"Well, I was pretty excited in your lab, so at least as a scientific inquiry it should be fun. And we were working on some biochemical properties that might have potion application, now that I think about it."

Snape looks more interested at that. "Well, we shall have to see then, I expect."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

After a reminder that my parking sticker had been up for renewal a couple days ago and would only be honored for the next 24 hours, I drive into a parking spot behind the somewhat imposing new science building. "I'm still not used to this new place. They only built it last year… or rather two years ago I suppose. I has more space, certainly, but almost… too much space." I shrug and lead the way into the building, grateful that my keys still work when I open the lab room. "Well, here it is, I'm not sure what we're working on now…" I stop as Snape brushes by, ecstatic. I blink at the unexpected pleasure of seeing him so happy.

"I know… everything!" He sighs happily. "If this is what you encountered in brewing potions, I cannot see how I could blame you for coming back. The certainty of the knowledge and the absolute lack of effort needed to acquire it is breathtaking." I smile and lean against a corner, watching him run his long fingers delicately over the spectrometer, the flasks and Petri dishes, the rows of graduated cylinders and pipetmen. I leave him to his perusal while I go over to one of the lab computers.

I am so absorbed I fail to register that someone has entered the room before the shouting starts. "What are you doing in here? How did you get a key! I'm calling the campus police!"

I turn around. "Professor! Wait, I let him in, he's with me. I'm sorry, I was just checking up to see what you all had been doing."

Professor White looks at me in shock before running over and grabbing me into a bear hug. "You're awake Aimry! What a relief. It had been so long I had lost hope." She takes a step back and frowns. "You're so thin!" Dr. White, never one to skip a meal herself, tuts briefly over my severe drop in size.

"Amazingly enough, I agree with you, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it."

"Of course not. You were sick and all. But I still can't have you bringing in people who don't respect the lab." She frowns at the oblivious Potions Master, intent as he is on one of the computers and dripping a liquid onto the spectrometer sensor.

"I thought he would be considerate. He is in a related field after all."

"Oh? Which is that?"

"Er… Biotech." I quickly pull out of my ass.

"And what is his name?" she asks.

"Professor Snape." I answer, praying she hasn't read the books.

And either she hasn't or she's ignoring the connection, for she turns the Severus and taps him lightly on the shoulder with a ruler. This produces the extreme reaction of Snape jumping up and producing his wand from somewhere in his robes to point at the smaller Professor's face. She moves gamely onward. "I realize you are in a related field but you should know better than to play around with someone else's research, one can only hope."

Snape pockets the wand and, like Professor White, ignores the whole reaction entirely. "I am deeply sorry, Professor. I was merely intrigued by you use of the starch derived molecule as a means of making the viral transfector more acceptable to the immune system."

Pleased by the interest in her research and probably slightly influenced by the British accent, Dr. White smiles. "Well, yes, we did figure that the carbohydrates, if matched properly to the cell surface markers could be quite useful in making the vector acceptable and have a greater longevity, but it makes the particle to bulky to pass the blood brain barrier."

Snape leans forward intently, and despite myself I find I am drawn in when he says, "Yes, but I believe I have found a way around your problem, you see here, this glucose molecule, if a fructose, would change the configuration and make it quite a bit smaller and yet still polarized in the proper sequence."

Dr. White almost dances in glee. "Oh, too right! We shall have to synthesize it at once!"

Snape smirks triumphantly. I wonder at my ability to read his smirks briefly before the excitement takes over. "I have it right here, madam, and have just put the new product into the testing solution. The results should be ready in a minute."

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

"Well, I think if you proposed to Dr. White right this instant she would fall head over heals to get the paperwork signed and the ceremony officiated." I smile as we walk through the door to my house.

Snape looks at me with surprise flitting over his face for a brief instant before he clamps down on the emotion. I can still feel it flitting about in his skull, however. "She would not accept a proposal from me, even if I were to give it."

"Well, perhaps not, given that you have no personal history she would believe. But otherwise, I don't see why not."

"Perhaps you should ask your family to enlighten you." Memories of everyone commenting on the unattractive nature of the man standing next to me come back in both our memories.

"Now, now. You aren't hideous."

"Thanks." He mutters dryly.

"A good deal of it is straightened out by a nice shower, not that I can really talk on that one… But you aren't that ugly." I run my finger down his long nose playfully, earning me a glare. "Not, what was the term? 'Conventionally attractive?' And besides, looks aren't everything. Who can resist your caustic, prickly, temperamental personality?" I feel a spike of anger and hurt from him.

I grab his arm and he turns to me with a growl. "Quite done yet?" He shakes me lose irritably.

I grab it again and turn him to face me fully. "Crap, I've done it again. I'm sorry. I was only teasing." He snorts and turns away again. "No, really. I think you're quite handsome and if you would loosen up a bit you would have a wonderful personality." He growls and pulls farther away. "Not that I don't like it the way it is." I add hastily. I try to project sincerity so he can listen in on my emotions as I do to his, albeit non-intentionally. He pulls away even further and I angrily think that if this were any form of romantic fiction, I would at this point spin him around and proceed to swallow his tonsils. Actually, that isn't sounding like a bad idea.

Snape spins around so fast I have to refocus to look up at his stony face. He leans down until our noses almost touch, a bare hair's breath away. I feel little butterflies trying to escape my stomach and considerately open my mouth to let them and my ragged breath escape. I barely have time to think pleasant thoughts before Snape spins away and stalks off, taking with him my ability to think. What in the world had that been about?

-------ooooOOOOOoooo------

A/N (2):

EQ: Everquest, an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) which is sadly now dying due to EQ2 and WoW, but at the height had thousands of simultaneous players on dozens of servers.

Nerf: to take a cool character and make them less cool so that it is 'fair' to the average player. Variation of 'the tall nail gets hit' theory. Example: Troll female character 'Yerrmom' gets 'nerfed' to 'Nomomm.'

GM: Game Master: those who moderate the game and do the 'nerfing' and keep hackers and other people seeking illegal gain in the game at bay.

Trakanon: A very powerful dragon in Everquest, level 65 (max EQ level is 70) he is of shadow knight class meaning he casts such annoying spells as fear and life tap.

Any others you want me to add, feel free to mention in comments.


	25. Sliders or Yet Another Cookie

"Well, though the lab was fun, I don't think it will be helpful to go back." I note, leaning back in a puffy chair and sipping my milk contemplatively. I look over at my mother and sigh.

She frowns. "I don't like you going off and doing these dangerous things. We just got you back; I don't want to lose you again."

"I know, Mom, but I have to go back. I made all this mess and I have to try to clean it up. Plus try to understand what the hell is going on."

"Language." She says, reflexively. "It does seem surreal. How can any of this be happening? How is it possible that you can levitate things and… whatever. It just feels like a weird dream that I will wake up from at any moment." She rubs her eyes tiredly.

"Oh, don't I know it." I laugh without humor.

Shaking herself, she tries a different topic. "So, what did you do to closet Severus in his room all day today?"

"Frankly, I have no idea what his problem is. Well, I know that it is me, but I don't know why exactly. Only that I can't ever do anything that makes him happy in any way. Everything I do seems to make him more miserable. Granted, at first that was my intention, but that was before I knew that he wasn't just a figment of my imagination." I put the milk down and cross my arms over my chest. "He's just so damned sensitive, but at the same time completely unwilling to explain a thing. How can I help but step on his toes?" I ask rhetorically.

"Do you want to make him happy?" She asks.

I snort. "I would settle for him not being completely miserable all the time."

Mom looks pensive. "That isn't something that you can change, necessarily."

"It is when it's me making him that way." I sigh.

Mom looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "We are talking about the same man, correct? Professor Severus Snape, of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

I frown. "Ye-es…"

She laughs lightly. "Dear heart, then there is nothing you are doing that is making him miserable. He is always miserable. You are simply his latest excuse."

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Snape throws down the book entitled "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" in disgust and picks up the "Order of the Phoenix" with a faint look of trepidation. He mutters to himself about foolish Muggles and their lack of anything vaguely approaching knowledge as he settles down and opens the cover.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

"This is absolute rubbish." Snape storms into the room without warning, waving the large hard-cover of OoTP above his head dangerously. "You expect me to believe these things about Potter? Ridiculous."

I look up at him in surprise. "Good morning, Severus." I say, mildly.

"I'm the one dealing with the brat every day. And though he has become somewhat tolerable, you cannot expect me to believe Dumbledore left his Golden Boy in such a horrid place. Muggles, indeed!"

"As far as I know, it is the same in your world as in the books. Except this past year, of course." I scratch my neck meditatively. "There could be slight differences, of course."

Snape sneers at me. "Why couldn't our world be one of those 'fan fictions' that you felt the need to leave strewn about the castle? This," He shakes the book over my head, making me fear both for its safety and my own, "is after all a work of fiction itself, is it not?"

I hum in contemplation. "Yes, you are entirely correct. You could very well be from a non-canon universe. But I rather doubt it. And if you are, it is from one that is very similar to canon."

He shoves the book into my chest and I grab it reflexively. He crosses his arms and glares at me. "Why do you think that?" He asks, with a sneer that clearly says, 'since you obviously have little to no mental capacity.'

I put the book down on a side table and glare back at him. "Well, for one thing, you are still a prickly, defensive bastard who jumps to ridiculous conclusions from little to no evidence. It is a wonder you survived as a spy."

He leans very close to me, his mind pressing with his gaze with dark roiling currents of anger. "You don't know _anything_ about that." He hisses.

I glare back, pulling on the coiling darkness from his mind. "Fine, then show me." As the world winks out, I contemplate that I probably shouldn't have said that.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Pirhanis wipes his hands on each other in satisfaction. "Well, those new spells should have us safe here, from the Dementors at least." He looks down at the unicorns gleaming in the sunlight from a combination of the nice day and the spells that had just been placed on their person. "Kills two birds with one stone, so to speak. Keeps us safe and keeps them from easily being killed by wizards for foul purposes." Pirhanis smiles and the herd leader bows to him before the unicorns canter off back into the forest. With the couple hundred in the Forest's herds carrying both a modified Patronus/Dementor repelling spell and a key-in to the ward's alert system, whenever Dementors got close to the castle, they would respond and be able to drive them off. In return for the help, the spells had been made both permanent and able to be passed on to their offspring. The spell itself, when added to the unicorn's natural repulsion to evil, greatly multiplied their ability to ward off those that would harm them, avoiding the rash of killings that Dark Wizards who-shall-remain-nameless had been putting the herds through recently. All around beneficial to everyone. Pirhanis smirks. "Although," he turns to Deritine, "it was a bit of a surprise that they like _you_ so much. What with them not being able to touch non-virgins and all. Even Harry was irritating to them, and he's only kissed a girl."

Liked might have been a bit of an understatement. The unicorns had almost rushed the poor guy in their rush to be near him. He had transformed into a dog and run howling about the green as the others watched, helpless due to incurable bouts of laughter. "It wasn't funny." Deritine huffs. His affinity for the creatures had destroyed his reputation for sleeping around, as dubious as that was. So his fans had simply wanted to brush and pet him in dog form and were mostly younger students missing dogs from home they couldn't bring with them. So what?

With some more chuckles the group looks over toward the lake. "Well," Dumbledore says, shaking his head in amusement, "we certainly have the castle well guarded for now. I want some more research done on anything further we can do to secure Hogwarts. I don't want to have to rely on only one system. But it was an excellent idea, Pirhanis, I must say."

"Why, thank you, Headmaster. One never knows when reading too much Mercedes Lackey will come in handy. One only needs an appropriately glowing white horse to spark one's memory."

Dumbledore mutters a confused affirmation before turning back into the castle. "Well, as that is done, I believe a late lunch is in order."

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Lucius sits on a throne made of GM bones, drinking some Sarnak Blood to wash down his flambéed Gnome Parts. He surveys his new world acquisition with a look that would do a cream-supplied cat proud. He is oblivious to the havoc he is causing, nor would he care if he knew. The fact that across the globe in a connected dimension thousands of people are falling into comas at their keyboards has no bearing on his dominion, except that they are becoming his subjects. So, perhaps he would care, but not that he was taking vast numbers from their families. After all, their own gaming tendencies were doing that. And, in fact, whole families do play together. He would care in that he would want as many as possible to come to him, so that his rule could grow.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

I blink and take in the clearing that we have landed in. It is dark and filled with floating white orbs… no, faces. _Oh, crap._ I close my eyes and groan as I take in the Death Eater meeting. "When I said 'show me' I meant in your head, not to transport us to one!" I hiss at him, uneasy.

"Silence!" He snaps back at me, grabbing the collar of my shirt and pulling me back. I choke and stumble a step backwards.

A voice from in front of us freezes both of us. "Ah, Severus. You have brought me a Muggle. How kind, I was going to ask for one this evening, but you have anticipated my need." Several Death Eaters turn to us and seem to glare. Voldemort gestures to me. "Come here, Muggle. I would look at you."

I step forward but feel a tug back on my neck. Hoping that this will work, I project a thought to Snape. _Let go and play along, we're not back._ When he lets go I walk toward the snake-like Dark Lord. As I get closer I wonder what I should do: Bow? Kneel? Punch him in the face? Fortunately that choice is taken away from me as he lazily casts _Crucio_ on me. I drop to the ground and let myself scream. _Why not?_ I figure. I could do with some stress relief. It seems that recent experiences have left me with something of a resistance to the curse. I'm not sure if that level of pain is no longer as crippling or if the actual effects of the curse are less, but either way it feels more like a stubbed toe than any kind of real pain.

Regardless, it still hurts. I let my attention wander down the link toward Snape. There I find a seething mass of every negative emotion possible. Anger and fear are there in large parts. Most of the anger is directed at me and most of the fear at Voldemort, but there are interesting cross-overs. There is also old pain, disgust, confusion, annoyance and some fuzzier emotions that border on concern. I wonder vaguely if it is for me, himself or someone else. I mentally announce my presence with what equates to a clearing of the throat. I feel him repressing an instinct to jump. _Well, regardless, I suppose it is nice to know that we can speak telepathically if the situation so necessitates it._ I comment as his attention focuses inward.

His anger spikes hot against my mental self. _It is certainly not nice to know as now you have yet another way to infringe on my privacy._

I sigh… or try to. It is weird being disconnected from the body. _I wouldn't be inside your head now if it was any better in mine. I'll just ask permission next time when I'm being tortured._ I feel distantly that Voldemort has switched curses and has opened the floor up to the circled Death Eaters.

_I don't see why you would feel the need to as you both enter situations where you are tortured and then jump into my head regardless._ I flinch back towards my body slightly at the spiked anger sent my way.

_I would have thought you would expect such things from me, seeing as the other three sides of my self were sorted into Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Really only leaves me one place now doesn't it?_

_Claiming Gryphindor idiocy does not eliminate your responsibilities for your actions. _Severus' mental attention focuses away from me for long enough to throw a particularly nasty curse at my person.

_Oh, thanks, I didn't know you cared._ I comment sarcastically.

_You could perfectly easily remove yourself from this place. That you do not is entirely your own fault._ Snape crosses his arms over his chest.

_Not only would that leave you in trouble, dearest, but then I would be mucking up this world's reality as well. And as much fun as we've been having with _that_ recently, I think playing along until we figure a way out is much better. Even if I have to put up with a little mild torture on the way._

_Even if _we_ have to put up with a good deal of skilled torment._ Snape scowls.

I sigh. _Oh, fine. It can't be too bad because I hardly feel a thing. But I'll go back and block you off. Hopefully someone Avada Kedavra's me soon. Then I can beat an elegant exit._ I sink back into my (two-headed, nail-puking, purple scaled, blood boiling) body and shrink the connection between the two of us as much as possible. Which isn't too much, to be honest, but is probably better than when I'm hanging out in Snape's skull. Fortunately, they seem to be pretty much done with the whole torture bit. Voldemort casts a curse-ending spell, leaving me panting air instead of less desireable things.

"Was there anything else to test out?" Voldemort asks frostily. The circle remains still. He frowns and looks down at me. I wonder if I should be doing something, like begging, perhaps, but it seems that glazed expressions and faint panting are fairly up to par for torture victims. Voldemort looks at me intently. I look back at him, puzzled. I feel a vague tug in my center. It is reminiscent of at Dementor's touch and I only barely refrain from panicking and doing something rash. Finally, he looks away with a wince, peering into the darkness behind him. "Nagini!" Voldemort calls. I groan in some parts relief and some parts dismay as the huge snake slithers from the shadows. I try to remember if she is poisonous or not before being strangled and swallowed.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Snape watches me slide down the snake's gullet with mind firmly Occluded and a dispassionate look on his face. Inside he feels much satisfaction and a hint of worry. No one is as yet comfortable either with true immortality or its ability to continue. He certainly does not want to be left in an unfamiliar reality alone.

He waits through the Dark Lord's interrogation of the Death Eaters who had been set missions, himself thankfully not included in the above group. He cannot totally ignore the proceedings of the meeting, but he sets a large portion of his mind to annoyed contemplation. Obviously it was too much to ask to stay in a relatively safe place, not to mention the same dimension, for longer than a couple of days. Listening to a somewhat less stable megalomaniac than he is used to makes him want to hex the man into another stage of existence, regardless of the fact that only Potter could make such a transition permanent. Another reason to hate the brat, one of the many he seemed to have recently forgotten.

Watching the still struggling bulge that is my person inside the snake, Snape contemplates whether I will continue to be reborn in my same body, currently being digested, until it dissolves enough to be no longer considered a body, or whether I will die and spawn somewhere else. These happy considerations keep him through the end of the meeting.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Having finally died, I respawn slightly above a tree branch somewhat behind and to the left of where Snape is standing. I land on it with little grace and spend a minute panting to regain stolen breath. By the time I get my eyes uncrossed the others have left and there is only a disgusted looking Snape looking up at me from the ground. Grinning sheepishly I slip off the limb and float down to the ground. "Well, that was fun."

Snape continues to glower. "I am ecstatic that your little side-trip has gone so smoothly for you then."

I gape at him. "My side trip? No no no. You were the one who brought us here!"

He sneers back. "Surely you jest. You are the one with the uncontrolled powers, not I."

I cross my arms over my chest. "You might be in denial, but it doesn't change the fact that you have the same sorts of powers that I do. You just haven't had your habitual affirmation of reality ripped from your skull."

He leans forward, eyes flashing and points one long finger at my chest. "You," he spits, "are the one with the perpetual need to be the absolute center of reality. You are the one that has warped everything about you into a vague caricature of normalcy! Do not blame these…" he throws his arms in the air, "abnormalities on me." With that he Disapparates with a crack.

ooooOOOOOoooo------

Snape appears at the edge of the Forbidden Forest and stalks toward the castle, mind seething. He prowls through the corridors before he is stopped by a wall that is where the entrance to his rooms should be. He attempts to remove the wall through sheer glare power alone. I pop in next to him, eyeing the spidery cracks with trepidation. "Your rooms are probably somewhere else, here. In fact, you might be in them, a different you… I mean… er…" I trail off, having confused myself. "Well, I look in there and see what is in there…" I contemplate the stone briefly before stepping through.

Snape steps back from the wall and turns around; right into a rather dangerous looking man with brown hair. "Professor, it is good to see you." The man says, with a look that implies he means more by that statement than merely meeting in the hallways. "Professor Dumbledore wanted to see you." The man continues, with a concerned look at Snape. "Are you all right?"

"Fine." Severus snaps, spinning to walk down the hallway. The strange man follows him as he makes a quick journey to the headmaster's office. I notice the strange exchange from within the wall and follow, keeping as invisible as possible and nursing a sneaking suspicion. At the gargoyle the two pause. Snape looks at the other. "I confess I do not… recall the password."

With a strange look the other man says "Snikerdoodle" to the gargoyle and steps lightly onto the rotating staircase. Snape follows him the conventional way. I sneak slowly under the staircase and make my way up through the pillar of stone in the center. I'm beginning to like the whole travel-through-stone thing. It's getting to be quite amusing. I get distracted by a pretty quartz vein in the stone and the novelty of passing through it with different parts of my body.

Inside, Snape and the other sit down in front of the headmaster's desk. Dumbledore's twinkle is subdued, his face serious. "Are you all right, Severus?"

Snape smirks. "If by that, you mean was I a victim of the Cruciatus curse, I am quite 'all right.'"

When he doesn't elaborate, the other continues. "What happened, then? You seem… distracted." The brunette looks concerned.

"We did have a rather entertaining time torturing a particularly deserving creature. She seemed to have particular fun with the blood boiling curse."

Both the other men's mouths drop open. I tune back into the conversation at the silence. Dumbledore gives the other a look and the blond starts to move his fingers purposefully. I try to reconstruct what had just been said, but am unsuccessful except that Severus just said something suspicious and that now Something Is Up. I move forward, trying to sneak behind the blond man to see what he is doing and wondering if Dumbledore is evil or good.

A screeching wail splits the air just as I get in position behind the strange man. Grabbing my head I fall into the room. Snape gets knocked over a chair and out of the way by the strange man who then moves into a defensive position between me and the rest of the occupants in the room, wand and… knife (?) at the ready. All this before I have finished falling to the ground. Which I actually do, with a loud thump and liberal cursing, as his speed has amazed me into forgetting to not land smack flat on my face.

Snape pulls himself up, dusting off his robes with sharp irritated sweeps. "Next time you feel compelled to knock me over, I would greatly appreciate it if you would restrain yourself." He growls at the strange man, sparking recognition in my subconscious and making me think that perhaps I _do_, in fact, know him.

Without taking his dark brown eyes off of my still form, the other replies, "That's right, last time I promised to throw you in _front_ of the attacking monster."

My jaw drops open. "ASH!" I yell, confusing the hell out of Snape and mildly confusing the other two. I point at the brunette with a shaking finger.

His eyebrow quirks up. "Yes?" Ask asks me.

I feel a flutter of emotions- awe and happiness that quickly turns to annoyance and despair. "Oh fuck me, you were right Snape… it must have been me, you wouldn't have thought of the Mirror of Maybe."

This earns me a sharp look from Ash, who, before I can blink, has gotten me pinned to the wall with a binding spell. I choke slightly. "What did you do to the Professor?" he questions me intently. "And how do you know about the mirror? Where did you encounter it?" This earns an intrigued look from Dumbledore. I note that Snape has sat down on one of the plush chairs and is serving himself some tea and ignoring everything.

I think for a second. "I put Snape under… Imperious… and I er… made him tell me about the Mirror."

"You are lying." Ash states.

"Well, you're right. I've never been really good at lying when asked a direct question… but I'd really rather not tell you how I know, and what is going on. It would make everything so much more complicated." I can see that isn't going to cut it. I wince at the continued screeching noise. "I don't suppose you could shut that off?" I ask.

Dumbledore raises an eyebrow but gestures to the small revolving object and it ceases its racket. "Why do you not want to tell us these things?" he asks.

I sigh heavily and eye the still back-turned professor. "Well, I'm not sure what exactly is going on myself and recently it has come to my attention that just charging ahead and hoping for the best is not a good way to go and only ends in huge messes that are impossible to clean up." I pause and review what I just said. A run-on and a bit of a babble, but I don't know how else to put it.

Dumbledore seems to have gotten the point of it, though. And Ash is looking less likely to kill me. Dumbledore looks over at his snoozing familiar and turns back to me, twinkle restored to his eyes. "And why do you suppose it is that the Sneak-O-Scope went off, but my phoenix is quite calm?"

I shrug as much as I can within the binds. "Probably because I was sneaking up on you, but I don't want to hurt you." I smile wistfully. "Not well, apparently."

War Mage Ash looks at me contemplatively. "Just how did you sneak up on me? I had no idea you were there." He says it mildly, but I can feel the steel under the words.

I close my eyes, willing myself to be somewhere else. I open them cautiously. They are still there. Crap… haven't gotten the hang of it yet. "Well… I was kinda… in the wall."

The disbelieving look makes me wince. A comment spikes from the corner, Snape finally deigning to help me out a bit. "You might as well tell them everything. Otherwise we aren't going to get anywhere." Or not. "And it would be beneficial if I knew what was happening as well."

"Yeah, you're probably right." I try to twitch but am held still by the spell. I would try to fight it, but one: that would be kind of bad if it broke and two: seeing as it's a War Mage's spell, my likelihood of getting out of it is much diminished. It would probably take hours even so. Unless maybe I went into the wall, or tried to… hmm. Well, better to let him take it off anyway. "War Mage, if you would take the spell off me I will tell you. My arm is starting to itch and it is making me a little cooky not being able to scratch it." I smile as innocently as possible. Ash takes off the spell and I gratefully run my nails along the underside of my forearm, sighing in bliss. Maybe the shirt was bleached or something. I don't know, but am certainly rather glad I'm in something other than pajamas for once. I feel a crackling of power right before I'm stuck to the wall again. I look, confused, at the now irate War Mage and the even more inscrutable expression from Dumbledore. Snape is still facing the other way and sipping his tea. "What?" I ask. I follow their gazes to my arm, which is beginning to itch again. With the sleeve pushed up, the blackened Dark Mark is visible. "Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"

"Would you please go get some Veritaserum, Professor?" Ash asks, without taking his eyes off me.

Severus makes a humming noise of assent but then adds. "I seem to have forgotten the way to my chambers. Perhaps you would like to fetch it?"

Ash turns around so quickly he may as well have not turned at all but done an in place teleport. "Professor, there are no spells on you. Whatever this one has done to you should have been reversed with the tea."

Snape sets the empty cup down and turns to face the tableau. "Indeed. You assume that were I under her control, I would not have noticed the characteristic flavor. However, your thoughts are flawed in that regard. Regardless of her appearance, she is quite the accomplished brewer." My mouth hangs open. Had he just said something nice about me? Ash looks concerned. "Worry not. Having ascertained that the potion would do nothing beyond merely flavoring it, I drank it along with the tea. As I had no spells on me, I quite enjoyed the cinnamon in the Stripping Potion."

He walks over past the War Mage, who is eyeing him with concern and trepidation. "But, why are you acting so differently, Professor?" Ash asks in puzzlement.

Snape rubs his chin with a long index finger and thumb. "That I suspect, is an explanation that will become quite involved. Allow me to begin at a relevant point." He smirks at me and I smile back weakly. "She was at the Death Eater meeting that I just returned from, where she was tortured for approximately half an hour with various curses." Albus chokes and Ash's eyes widen. "After that, she was eaten by Nagini." Both men frown. "She has the most annoying habit of not dying in such situations and becoming re-incarnated somewhere close by in a novel body. As she has somehow attached" he gestures between us with his hand in disgust, "the two of us together, it seems the Dark Mark was copied in her new form."

I nod. "Either that, or he put it on me right before he fed me to Nagini- I felt this weird tugging sensation in my middle. Sort of like when you died the first time, Sev." I muse. Ash and Dumbledore's metaphorical ears perk at that. "Although, it was rather more like the Dementors kissing me than what I imagined having the Dark Mark put on would be like."

"You've been Kissed?" Ash gasps out. I open my mouth to explain, but he cuts me off. "Regardless, did it feel like your soul was being touched?"

"Hmm… I suppose you could say that, though why that… oh!" I get epiphany #2 for the day. "We're after chapter 19 then… Voldie has made himself a Soul Mage and Sev was supposed to find out at this meeting the details about all that." Snape looks at me in confusion. "Trust me, you don't want details." I tell him.

Dumbledore clears his throat for attention. "So, you have experienced his new powers, then?" he asks me.

I nod. "I think it would be fairly safe to say that he has become one. What that means here I haven't the foggiest. But hey."

"This is ill news indeed. I had hoped that you were incorrect, War Mage." Dumbledore looks sad again, twinkle receding to the back of his eye.

Ash shakes his head. "I wish that I was wrong as well, Albus."

Snape looks at Ash quizzically. "Why do you address the Headmaster by his first name, but myself by my title?"

Ash looks pained by the question. I hasten to answer. "It's a War Mage thing, Snape… I'll explain it to you." I look hopeful. "Can I get back off the wall now?"

Ash looks at me, evaluating. "After you tell us everything we need to know. I will go get the Veritaserum. Albus, if you would watch the professor?" With that he sweeps out of the office.

I sigh. Mentally I feel out the connection between Snape and I. _I don't suppose you could do a little refresher on resisting Veritaserum before he comes back?_

He sneers at me. _You can tell them both all the wretched things you have done down to every toy you have stolen from your brothers. I care not._

_They weren't even using them any more! That doesn't count!_

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A/N- I'm sorry it took me so long! I was having a huge mental block. Not that that is an excuse… but I'm just really delayed in updates anyway… Gomen. Also- if the little border works out, it's a neat little optical illusion- seems to bulge out. How cool!


	26. Spoiler Time HBP

WARNING: HBP SPOILERS AT THE BOTTOM! AND IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET AND ARE INSTEAD READING A FANFIC... SHAME ON YOU! SAFE TIL THE 'SPOILER'

Revised 1/25/06

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Ash returns with the Veritaserum in relatively little time. The strained gaze that Professor Dumbledore has been leveling on an unconcerned Snape hasn't done much to keep me distracted from the Dark Mark on my arm itching, but I've managed to mostly ignore. I contemplate whether spitting on it would make it feel better... you know, like a mosquito bite.

Ash measures out a dose of the serum and drops it into my resignedly opened mouth. I feel my higher brain functions fuzzing out and being replaced by a pleasant haze. Ash scrutinizes me heavily before nodding, apparently satisfied that I am under.

"What is your full name?" Ash asks.

"Aimry Coke." I murmur happily.

"How old are you?" he asks.

I frown, something about that question seeming off. "I... I..." I should know this question, right? I mean, just take when you were born and subtract it from the year that it is... "I have no idea." I finally answer.

Ash frowns. "How can you not know how old you are?" he asks in disbelief.

A flare of annoyance sparks me. "Oh, and you are one to talk!" The Veritaserum wants to make me say more but I manage to keep it behind my teeth. Seeing how interested Dumbledore and how scared Ash look, that is probably a good thing. I chant in my head 'try not to mess up the universe, try not to mess up the universe' over in over until Ash gathers enough of his composure to ask me the next question.

"How did you sneak up on me?"

"I went through the wall."

"How did you go through the wall?"

"I don't know." I try to justify that semi-correct answer to the potion. Indeed, I had no idea on how I specifically went through the wall; I only had an idea of the mental state necessary for going through the wall. See? The serum grumbles. Ah, splitting split hairs...

Ash looks dubious. "Could you demonstrate the technique?"

"Maybe. Probably not so that you could understand it though."

Snape puts his cup down with a soft chink and slowly states, "I think she needs a larger dose. She can probably handle another three drops." He smirks and refills the coffee cup.

Ash raises an eyebrow. "Are you fighting the Veritaserum?"

"..No...o..." I'm not fighting it, I'm misdirecting it.

Ash smirks. "Are you capable of withholding or redirecting questions with this much Veritaserum."

"mmmm...yyess." GODDAMMIT!

Ash walks up to me and I submit to another dosing of the Truth Serum with a sigh. "How do you walk through walls?"

The serum trips something in my brain like pressing the fast rewind. "I read a lot of books and watch TV sometimes too. And sometimes I have dreams that don't relate to the books and the TVs but sometimes they do and when they do I think they are just a dream but sometimes they are not I have learned because..."

-twenty minutes later-

"...and so sometimes I find I can do things like walk though walls because nothing is real anymore and why not just break all the rules?"

"I think you gave her a little too much truth serum, War Mage." Dumbledore says, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Give her the antidote quickly."

Ash blinks himself awake, heartily wishing he had something the reverse of QuickTime so that it wouldn't have felt like he had just lost years of his life. He hastily doses me with the antidote.

I feel my senses slowly returning to me and I yawn and attempt to stretch but frown when I cannot. "Can I get down now, please?" I ask. I get wary looks from the War Mage and an unreadable one from Dumbledore. "Look, you know I'm not making it up, or at least that I believe what I am saying... so? I won't hurt you." No one seems like they are going to step forward anytime soon and help me out The War Mage and Dumbledore huddle over in a corner in an impromptu conference and Snape is lounging in his chair with absolutely no intention of moving. I sigh. Ok, reverse play about the whole wall-walking thing. I had simply gone through it... but that had been forward. So, backwards would be like sinking... I try that but Ash has thought one step ahead and is not, as I had hoped, using the wall as the back of the bindings but has rather simply attached bindings that go all the way around my body to the wall. So plan A: failure.

So then perhaps I can transform into something? An animal might work, but the only one I can do reliably is the ginormous dog. Well, if I die from cutting myself to ribbons, I suppose I'll respawn and problem solved. I do a little mental twist and my giant doggy self is taking up most of the now too small office. One of my back feet kicks Snape accidentally and he curses. The War Mage whips around with inhuman speed that I can barely follow to bind me even more uncomfortably to the wall. And as an added annoyance, the first set of bindings have stretched. I growl in frustration. Plan B: Failure.

What else can I do? I could try doing that thing the potion and become invisible and untouchable. I recall the appropriate sensation and... nothing. The bindings still appear in this other dimension. Damn the magic. Seeing as how none of Snape's or Dumbledore's magic showed up this must be elf or dwarf or... hell, I don't know- Autobot magic or something. I return to my former (human) self, still attached to the wall. Ash and Dumbledore are looking a little pale. "Snape, a little help?" I ask. He waves in a non-committal way. I alight on Fawkes as my only likely means of escape. "Here Fawksey Fawksey Fawksey." Fawkes glares at me and I reconsider. "Magnificent Fawkes, phoenix of inestimitable strength and greatness, would you perhaps assist me?" He preens, considering it.

Snape snorts, waving a wand and releasing me. "Begging of the animals is beneath even you."

If anything Ash is even paler. "How did you do that?"

Snape raises an eyebrow. "I simply cancelled it; the threading was not overly complex."

"That was goblin magic. You shouldn't have been able to even see it." Ash rubs his hand over his forehead. I pretend not to be too interested as some makeup rubs off his forehead and the faintest outlines of a discoloring is visible.

Snape looks a bit taken aback and I resist an 'I told you so, you have magic beyond what you thought' but from the sharp look I get, I suspect some of it has bled over in our mental connection. Oops. I grin unrepentedly.

"So, with that settled, I want to get somewhere flattish and at least marginally comfortable. It is night and I was tortured to death. And the whole transporting thing took a bit out of me."

Dumbledore's eyes harden. "We cannot let you off on your own just yet. What manner of magical creature are you? I cannot endanger my students."

I glare at him and a spark of anger flashes across my vision. I see it dart up to the ceiling and grab at it quickly, flustered. I hold the little lightning bolt in my hand before smashing it back into my skull resignedly. "Look, I don't know. I'm tired. I was just a regular Muggle in the not too distant past. Almost all the time I wish I still were. So... could we please drop it? I mean, I could spend all night trying to convince you... but I just..." I sigh.

Snape clears his throat. "And if you could kindly direct me to my rooms as well."

The look on Ash's face at that moment would have cracked the coldest hearts and Snape looks a bit taken aback when he sees it. The pure pain sets up sympathy in my chest so thick it feels as though someone has left an iron bar lodged in my chest. "What... why... Professor?" At that moment he looks ever year younger than his assumed facade.

I reach out to touch him but on pure instinct but pull back at the last second as he recoils with hate and hopelessness in his eyes. "Look, I'm almost positive that my Snape, "Snape glares at me and I ignore him, "and your Snape are merely coexisting with yours sort of sleeping at the moment. As soon as we can we'll leave and then you can have him back. Really. We won't take him away." I squirm uncomfortably. Maybe I should just turn into a rock or something. Then at least things wouldn't get any worse.

Dumbledore catches my eyes and I gaze mournfully into them, trying to think of nothing but the sparklies in his eyes. I let myself be hypnotized briefly and I sigh. Dumbledore claps suddenly, startling everyone in the room, though Snape hides it much better than we other two. I croak and jump and Ash has somehow spun around to aim his wand at Dumbledore's forehead all in one motion. Ash drops his wand arm with an apologetic mumble. The sparkles increase. Is that a good sign? I wonder worriedly. "I think our guest can be trusted." We all look at him in disbelief. "This shall resolve itself in the morning I am sure, but you are quite correct in that it is far too late for such concerns now. I shall escort you both to rooms myself." Snape follows Dumbledore closely down the halls, probably to avoid the moping War Mage trailing behind.

I try again to comfort him. "Look, Ash... uh, I know what you have been going through. And I'm really sorry. I hope you realize that this was an accident and we'll try to separate the two Snapes as soon as possible. It's just that the most proven method is an Avada Kedavra..." I end in a squeak as my air is cut off from Ash's hand around my throat. "I won't try it! I promise! I don't know if your Snape is immune, that was what I was trying to say." He drops me back down and stalks on. I'm fucking it up again. I want to scream and curse like a sailor but I try to suppress that to assure the poor guy. I hurry to catch up with him.

He turns his head and hisses vehemently, "You have no idea what I have gone through!"

I look at him with sad eyes. "I do... I know your personal name, War Mage." His eyes go round as saucers. "In my reality yours is written as a book. I have a very good idea of what you are going through and what you have gone through. And what I don't I can fill in with personal experience, which has been anything but pleasant lately."

Ash, or Harry, as is his true name, turns to face forward and stalks forward angrily.

"I won't tell, and I'll address you properly. I'll try to gloss over that bit when talking to Snape in case yours can hear. I'm not out for anything, just to let you know how things stand. Hopefully we'll be gone tomorrow and then you won't have to worry about it any more. I'm sorry." I hurry ahead to catch up to Dumbledore, who had stopped and was gesturing that this would be my room. I can feel Harry Potter's eyes on my back as I run inside.

Apparently Snape is to be in a close by room, as he comes looking for me soon after I get dropped off. "Explain." He crosses his arms and waits.

I hop on the bed and stretch out, scratching my Dark Mark idly. "Ok, Mirror of Maybe in a nutshell..." avoiding any mention of Harry and/or mirrors." Ok, so Voldie has become a Soul Mage, War Mage Ash is from a Circle of Mages and is helping in the War; Harry is in this circle too. He is training." Not a lie, War Mages are always training and Ash/Harry is certainly in the circle... "soo... you are still a spy. Um... Draco is sort of turning to the 'good' side and er... I guess that's the plot in a nutshell." Minus any mention of Harry going through the mirror, living for twenty years of potential future and coming back unchanged physically but radically different mentally and re-kindling the very slashy relationship he had with one Severus Snape.

"That fails to explain Ash's reactions to me."

I wince. "You're... uh... sort of... dating."

Snape's eyes go wide and he drops his arms to his sides. "Dating!" He asks incredulously.

I hedge. "Well, you haven't really been on too many dates." Not really any, actually… or maybe that one…

"Are we dating or not?"

"Uh, well you ARE having sex."

Snape's eyes bulge out of his head and he sputters in disbelief for several seconds before he regains his voice. "I'm GAY! And dating a War Mage? What kind of story are you reading? Those Roaring books are masterworks in comparison!"

"The Mirror is a really well written story." I sit up and mumble defensively.

"And are these... encounters also very 'well written'?"

I cough. "Generally, yes." He stares at me in disbelief for several seconds before turning on his heal and walking out the door without another word. If I'd known I would have to defend my slashy readings to one of the characters I might not have read them. Ok, I'm lying. I would have certainly read LESS. I sink my head into my hands. Fantasies aren't supposed to become real and slap you in the face dammit. At least we're not in one of the mindless, plotless slashy stories. Not that I ever read any, of course.

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I awaken partially to the transition from my bed to another. I can't ever seem to just gently segue, but oh well. I snuggle into the curve of back next to my face and sigh back to sleep. I'm awakened again with a jolt with the sudden knowledge that I am not alone in bed. Was that what had awakened me in the first place? I mean, duh I'm not alone. But something is nagging me still. My eyebrows shoot up as I realize that there are THREE people in this bed. Only on of them is me. There is a mind I can feel entwining with mine almost to the point of complete mixing- that is Snape, the one just in front of me. The other I cannot feel. But I can hear them in the breathing. I try to recapture my mind from the communal pool and figure out where I am and what is going on. I freeze as an arm snakes around Snape's waist and starts to rub his back and er...

The hand is brushing me. Not as much as Snape, certainly, but nonetheless. Snape makes a sound that is suspiciously like a purr and he moves closer to the other in the bed. It comes to me in an instant that I am in bed with Severus Snape and Harry Potter. I am in no way wanting this. OK, being fair, this teeny little part of me really really wants this, but that part has been commanding me to do such crazy things as read far too much Snarry for far to long. I have sworn that little part off. But can you really blame that little bit? I doubt there would be a fangirl out there who would not want to be between those two, or on top of or under... I shake my head furiously. Keep on track! OK, so Snape will be a bit put out when he wakes up. The question becomes if I should wake him up now, or just wander off. Or do nothing. Of all three possibilities, I think all have a 100 pain chance for moi. The roving hand elicits another groan from Snape. I wonder if I could get him to do that... FOCUS! OK, ok... Best bet is probably to just sneak away and pretend that I have no knowledge of anything. But we're mentally connected. Shit. He'll know.

I debate which is likely to get me least negative points with Snape. I don't have much hope of coming out of this unscathed in any sense of the word. But I think for once it isn't my fault. I don't want to be in bed with Ash. He's not that attractive (in his disguise) for one and scary as hell for two. I hear two voices making mostly asleep mumbling happy noises now. Is he... is Snape... reciprocating? Hot damn I think he is. I mean... fuck! No, no, no fuck... ah hell. Never mind what I said about this being one of the less slashy fanfics.

I try to keep still, but the continued purrs make me crack an eye in curiosity. I wonder... I touch Snape's back cautiously. Is he... naked? I think he might be, his back anyway. I run my fingers lightly along his back, avoiding Ash's fingers that are slightly... farther south. He hums happily and arches back into my touch. I snatch my hand back as though burned. I try to back off the bed slowly and quietly. Too confused to levitate properly, I try to move the bed as little as possible. A sad sigh from Snape is all the warning I get before I am flung back onto the wall with a dagger embedded through my arm into the wall and another held at my throat.

My wide eyes are dazzled when Ash casts a Lumos in my face. "What are you doing in here?" he hisses. His chest is so close to my pathetically scrabbling arms that I can feel the fur of his life-ink tattoo bristling under my fingers. It doesn't like me apparently. Maybe I'm not a Gryffindor after all, I think inconsequently. "Answer me!" Ash growls. I feel the other mind sliding from mine and sinking out of my grip as the breath from the bed shudders into a waking rhythm and the occupant comes over toward us. Still dazed I grab at the knife but can't budge it.

"War Mage, how did that get in our room?" Asks the (in fact, completely naked) Snape from behind Ash. It is a good question, one that I do not have an answer for. Best guess: Somehow my Snape being in this world's Snape's head let this Snape have the (obnoxious) talent for bed-jumping, and I followed.

Ash's breath hitches as he asks, "Our room?" He seemingly forgets about me completely and in a show of very un-War Mage sloppiness turns all the way to face Snape and lets his arm holding the knife lower unnoticed. I note that he is completely naked too. Somehow that doesn't seem as interesting with one dwarven blade through my arm and one pointed now at my... goddamn it why am I naked?

Snape gives Ash a funny look. "You do recall that we have moved in together, do you not?" Ash completely abandons me to fling himself around the other man. I gasp now in shock more than pain. That is HIS Snape! Where did mine go? I feel the sympathy pain again, but this time it is fully my own. It is as though some sort of vacuum has opened in my chest, sucking in that iron bar along with my skewered heart. I don't have much heart to listen to Snape's confused gruffness and Ash's somewhat pathetic happiness. I jump and then drop down so the knife cuts completely through my arm and frees me.

I walk away from them as they start to passionately get reacquainted, much to the bemusement of Severus. I feel weak watching them until I realize it is probably the blood loss. I had sort of mauled my major artery and vein in my arm. I heal it slowly, thinking furiously. So if that Snape had been inside my Snape then this Snape should have mine inside. That brings up the question of whether I should leave the two of them alone or keep close for... moral support. Yeah. Now that the shock of the tearing of the other mind from mine has gone down, I can still sense Snape deep deep in my skull. I slip back into the wall and travel up until I am almost in the ceiling as well. They are getting rather more into it that um... I hope that neither of them can remember what happens when the other is dominant. Snape will have more scarring than simply hearsay if he can remember this. I decide to hang in the wall and... Take notes to I can be sure to give a good report to Snape or something. I think I'll stop making excuses now.

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I wander off during the cooing that follows the interesting bits. I float toward the Great Hall. Hopefully there will be some meal or something being served. Maybe. I have no idea what time it even is. "/time" I mutter to nothing in particular and 4:59:47 AM appears in front of me. Well, by the time that I find the Great Hall they should have food, maybe. Harry's always up this early in canon, right? Well whatever. I finally find it after getting directions from a couple snickering portraits. I float through the wall and sit down next to some students at one of the tables. I feel a lot of eyes on me and I look up in irritation from my pancakes. "What?" I ask.

Most of them snicker. One girl next to me with a bright red face whispers urgently, "You're NAKED" before fleeing. I feel myself going bright red all over before I gather enough mental ability to summon a nice, thick, Snape style robe to cover me from neck to toe tip. The fact that I didn't even notice my lack of attire makes me very disconcerted. Was it a new lack of modesty that I've developed through the past few months of hell or a symptom of the whole dream-like quality to my life now that made me completely oblivious?

"What was that on your arm?" another student asks.

"Why were you looking at her ARM?" a third asks incredulously. As the two of them bicker I start to melt a bit into the floor. They'd seen the Mark. Hopefully they won't figure out what it is before we leae this reality. I grab another couple stacks of pancakes and sink through the floor rapidly. It is a good thing I wasn't at the Slytherin tables… Gods, I need something really big and unexpected to get my mind off of this. I fall completely through the floor in my haste to get away, fervently wishing to be somewhere else, somewhere far away from the embarrassment and crap that I have just caused myself. I land on Snape's surprised head and the world fades away.

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SPOILER

I kept falling, not quiet physically present, almost through the floor. I grab a handhold on the floor just in time to keep on the correct level. I look around in disorientation. Are we on a tower? The sides of the stone room look up into the empty air. It is a confusing jump from where we were in the dungeons.

A soft "Severus" drags my attention to Dumbledore, half lying against a wall, seeming to crumple as I watch. Is his hand black? "Severus, please." Who is he talking to? I look up into Snape's face. He is almost standing right on top of me. I look up at his stern face in confusion.

Snape has his wand pointed right at Dumbledore. I open my mouth but before I can say anything Snape and says firmly "Avada Kedavra!" I follow the path of the light as it strikes Dumbledore and sends him soaring off into the nothingness beyond the tower. My mouth falls open. Dumbledore had just died? Snape had killed him! I hadn't read this in a fanfic... EVER! How did this happen? Dumbledore... felled not even by Voldemort. Dead, gone. That meddling, mushy old coot! "Snape!" I burst out, vaulting up to stand before him. "Oh my god! You killed him! You GREW A SPINE!" I crow and pump a fist in the air. "You chose the logical side, damn! Forgiveness is the nicest trait on the light side, even if you betray them you are unlikely to die, unlike with Voldie. And Harry is just useless of course… I cannae believe it! Oh... my... god!" I beam at his stunned and uncomprehending face.

"Who the hell is that?" asks a Death Eater I don't recognize.

"I... I... don't know..." stutters Draco, who I hadn't noticed until then.

"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you." I notice too late that all the adults have their wands raised.

"Oh, now, don't be haste..." three Avada Kedavras hit me, two in the chest and one in the head. I fly off the balcony the same route as Dumbledore, except that I hit the wall and rebound, the curse following the path and slingshotting back toward Snape's wide eyes. The three curses hit him and seemingly pass right through. Snape gapes before collecting himself in the aftermath of four abnormal Avada Kedavras. "Out of here, quickly." He growls, spinning around with a swirl of cloak.

My corpse hits the ground slightly before the last Death Eater drags Draco down the stairs. Harry stumbles forward from where he had been bound and races to look over the side of the tower. He staggers back after seeing Dumbledore's body on the ground. He trips over my body and falls on his ass.

A black puddle of something in the corner resolves itself into Snape trying to get up. He groans and Harry's eyes rivet to Snape's slowly standing form. "YOU! You bastard! You bloody bastard!" Harry whips out his want and screams Crucio. However, it does not hit Snape, as I have spawned atop him again and knocked him to the ground. My nose starts gushing blood as Harry breaks the curse in surprise.

"Ich! Whu da ell?" I ask no one in particular. I yank on my nose and throw the blood away and wiggle my nose to make sure the bleeding has stopped.

"Get. Off. Of. Me." comes Snape's growl from below me. I tumble off and he stands again, even slower this time.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" asks Harry belligerently.

o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o

A/N I couldn't resist doing this chapter. A couple of parts of dialogue have been taken directly from HBP (like you couldn't tell!)

A disclaimer in this disclaimer A/N... those are in fact my true feelings about Snapes 'betrayal' which in my personal opinion wasn't really. Too easy. But then, I still think Sirius is coming back. But, I'm proud of Snape. A Dark Lord or a punk kid you can whip without even breaking a sweat? Hmm. Plus, the 'light' is notoriously forgiving. Help them out a bit and you could be the devil himself but they'd still forgive you. Voldemort? Not the mercy kind of guy. So, I approve. And am heartily excited for the next book and the next movie.


	27. Fooling with Canons

A/N: Edited 1/25/06; 9/16/07

ooooOOOOOoooo

"It doesn't matter." Harry shakes slightly as he levels his wand at Snape's chest.

"Don't be foolish Mr. Potter. You have no hope of defeating me." Snape sneers.

"I won't let you get away with it you traitor! You filthy Death Eating traitor!" Harry lunges forward, seeming to forget all about magic in an attempt to punch Snape in the face. I grab him as he makes his way past me almost on reflex, bracing to stop his momentum.

"If you are doing this out of some sort of misplaced desire for vengeance…" Snape trails off. I look back at him in concern. It is not like him to simply not finish an insult. His face has drained of color. "Oh Merlin…" he starts to waver on his feet, eyes glazed.

"Snape!" I try to reach out to him without letting Potter go and am rewarded by Snape's falling elbow cracks me on the nose. I see stars briefly but manage to hold onto Harry. I look back at Snape and feel my own face drain of color at the sight of him. "By the gods! I didn't think a person could actually turn green!" I wasn't quite sure how it was biologically possible, but Snape's face had gone a shade of green just shy of the color of pea soup.

I shove Harry away; he stumbles far enough back into a corner that I have stop paying attention to him, instead jumping to catch Snape before he cracks his head on the windowsill. "Snape, what's wrong? Snape?" He isn't answering me at all. Suddenly he twists to hang half out of the window. I catch him with a double handful of robe. With a grunt of effort I pull him back so that his chest is safely propped on the windowsill just as he retches violently. Harry tries to come towards us again but I push him back without paying much attention. Snape heaves again and I gingerly pick his hair away from his face. I draw up a quick circle in the air and grab the hair elastic that materializes and use it to bind his hair back in a secure tail. I create a cloth with a plucking motion and get it wet with a wring. I hold Snape's shoulder to prevent his scrabbling movement from taking him out the window and use my free hand to wipe the cloth over the back of his neck. Finally his panicked movements subside to shuddering. With his eyes closed, Snape rests his head against the stone archway making up the window. "Snape?" I ask, quieter now. I am worried and confused, a feeling like something in my belly struggling to reach up my chest and squeeze my heart. What had happened to him? He doesn't reply. I wipe the cloth over his face, cleaning away the remainder of the bile and other unpleasantness. "Severus? What's wrong?"

His eyes snap open and I start. "I killed the Headmaster."

He doesn't seem to be talking to me, but I answer him anyway. "No, that wasn't you dearest. That was this world's Snape."

"I killed Professor Dumbledore." He shakes and almost dry heaves again.

"It wasn't you, this isn't even your reality. You weren't in control."

Finally he focuses on me and I almost wish that he hadn't. "You are absolutely correct. I had no control whatsoever. I observed every thought, every motion. I could feel it, smell it, sense the spell gathering." The hair stands up on the back of my neck. "I couldn't control anything. I thrashed with all the power in my soul, and nothing changed. I had to watch; I had to watch as though it were my decision all along. I killed Albus."

His plain speech throws me. No elaborate phrases to hide the ugly truth. I shake at his words. _No control… _"It wasn't the same man that you know." I say softly.

Waves of anger crash on me as he looks at me in incredulous anger. "It was the same man! The man who forgave me my sins! The same one who took me in, gave me a purpose in life. That was my mentor, bloody well near my father that was lying there helpless, begging for… for what? I don't even know! He was taken away; I took him away! Oh, Merlin, I killed him." Snape drops his head into his hands. As if some dam inside him has broken, his pain and sorrow slam into me, physically rocking me back. My mind can hardly comprehend it. It brings up images to help understand: striking a knife deep in my father, my brother, my mother, blood running over my hand as the life leaves their eyes and their faces fix in horror and disbelief.

"No, stop, I don't want to see this." I begin shaking too, that feeling of a monster in my stomach intensifying infinitely. I hunch over and shake. I feel a hand grab my hair and wrench my head up. I feel a flash of panic and see It, towering over me once more. But it is only Snape.

"I didn't have a choice." He hisses. "Why should you?"

"I don't want to feel your pain. I didn't even really like the guy." I mutter, avoiding his eyes.

"You say this to me?" He grabs my chin and wrenches my head around, putting us nose to nose and forcing me to look at him. "You spared me nothing, nothing! Why should I spare you?"

My vision blurs. "I didn't mean to."

"You never mean to you foolish, stupid _child_. Do you think your intentions will relieve you of culpability?" He sneers into my face.

"It's not as if I didn't go through it too."

He grasps my face with both hands, an unconscious imitation of a serious Vulcan mind-meld. "And you will go through it this time as well."

ooooOOOOOoooo------

"I don't trust this." Pirhanis taps a foot with his arms crossed over his chest. "Why nothing since the Attack? We have heard no word from the Dementors, not one inkling of attack. I don't understand."

"I do not understand it either Pirhanis, but we may count our blessings for now." The two are standing on the sloping lawn leading down to the lake. The giant squid had gotten a mate, and the two of them are rippling the water with their tentacles.

"With the security measures we implemented, we should be able to hold them off for a long while, if not indefinitely. We can at least hold until we fulfill the emergency evacuation procedures, right?"

Dumbledore nods. "In addition to the unicorns and the increased wards, the two squids have been magically enhanced and we have the Light Dragons lairing in the cliffs to the north and the griffons to the east. We have closed off all hidden entrances and the copies of the Marauder's map with built in alarm Sirius should have done by the end of the week."

Pirhanis nods. "I've also been successful in teaching some of the students and the professors my style of magic. It seems to be more effective against the Dementors. I'm still researching a line of Divine Smiting spells, but it is difficult. I'm a wizard not a cleric. But I'm coming along somewhat. I have played on other characters on occasion. The Goat's backed up files are helping as well."

Dumbledore nods decisively. "Good. The others are all proceeding on their research as well. But with the precautions we have in place already and with the decreased activity of the Dementors and the Death Eaters, I think we can resume the classes."

"As for that, do you think we should combine classes as well as houses? It might be safer as well as more efficient, especially for Defense."

Dumbledore strokes his beard thoughtfully. "I think an additional Defense class for all the combined years would be useful, but for now I think for now we can keep the years separate." He nods again. "I trust you will inform McGonagall and the other professors?"

"Of course."

ooooOOOOOoooo------

I open an eye gingerly, but it is dark out. I get a weird sort of double feeling of contentment. This wasn't what I expected to experience to say the least. I try to move away, or anywhere. I can't. No limbs respond to anything, nothing. A flood of panic flashes through my body. I suppress it. I know why I can't, but if I had a body I would be trembling. The sensation of my spirit trembling without moving is almost worse than the initial fear. Once I've gotten myself relaxed enough to pay attention again I almost loose it as I feel the same sensations coming from outside me. Mentally quivering I analyze. This feeling must be from my Snape.

Which would make the increasingly happy feelings be coming from… a second Snape? It must be, as I am in Severus's memory. But why would the second Snape be happy? And why in the world is it dark?

It dawns on me a second before the proof that I am right becomes incontrovertible. Snape didn't properly edit the memories he sent me. I am experiencing _all_ the memories he experienced while not in control. I don't know whether to be ecstatic, terrified, mortified or what at experiencing… fully… gay sex. It is doubly strange with the commentating emotions from my Snape and the inability to do anything whatsoever.

As things heat up, I get increasingly uncomfortable. It is not I consenting and… initiating. But at least for me the disconnect is great enough that I can remember that it is not I who is actually the body, unlike Snape, who I can feel getting extremely agitated. It is his body, and it is not under his control. And yet… is he starting to enjoy it? If I had control of a jaw it would be dropping. I mean, granted, I'm enjoying it too. It's not like there is anything else to do and Ash is apparently quite skilled. Anyway… I could be almost expected to enjoy it. I already had by viewing it. Snape however, is not a slash addict.

The whole experience is surreal. Being a man being with a man with another man inside of the first's head with me is probably the most odd mix of emotions and experiences that I will ever encounter. After a while I decide to just stop thinking about it in lieu of trying to comprehend all the physical and emotional stimuli coming in. The more we experience Ash's amazing talents the more our three consciousnesses come in line with each other. It was hard to resist the rising heat. And granted, I'm not trying very hard. Thinking becomes impossible as the end approaches and both Snapes consciousnesses are with me as we spiral up and up. The explosion at the peak is irresistible so entwined with the intimacy of feeling every nerve ending as it goes insane. And physically being unable to do anything gives everything a weird twist, though no weirder than a completely different, male experience of climax.

I hardly notice what happens next; I am trying to figure out what had just happened to me and what I feel about it. And what my Snape feels about it. His emotions are such a twisting vortex of positive, negative and everything in between it is almost impossible to think my own thoughts next to it.

It was almost a relief when we transfer into the head of the betraying Snape. For the first minute or so my Snape is so confused, both by what had happened and what is happening that it is easier to see what the Snape in control is thinking. He seems very rattled but determined. I cannot understand the references he is making… some sort of bond? A promise? But there is obviously a lot of back-story to what is about to happen. He seems to realize that he has no choice and despite sorrow and regret there is no hesitation as he casts the killing curse. The spell itself is torture. Why anyone would use it to kill someone I don't know. It is almost as if the lack of pain in the death of the victim is made up for in the pain to the caster. It can't hurt this much for Voldie. Perhaps the deep pain comes from the circumstances? For it is clear neither Snape wants to do the deed and that mine is struggling, much as he said he was, in a futile and desperate attempt to stop the inevitable. If he had a physical body his fists and shoulders would be bloodied. Horrible as feeling that completely helpless desperation is, it isn't really a match for the utter mortification and guilty pleasure I had just experienced.

Finally the Avada Kedavra kicks me out of the memory and I am back in my body. I rejoice with a vigorous shake and jumping up, loosing my balance as I realize I'm in a bed and falling flat on my face. It is glorious to be in control again; hands grab at me and I can shake them off!

"Are you alright, madam?" A voice asks. I look up at an unfamiliar face. I blink at her slowly.

"Oh, move aside!" comes a voice I recognize. "Goodness, Tonks, she's been through an ordeal. Here, let's set you up on the bed." Madame Pomfrey helps me back up onto the hospital bed.

Tonks! Of course, I don't know her at all and besides which she can change her face. "I'm fine, really." I try to get up but get pushed back down.

"Alright!" Poppy tuts. "I cannot believe that. There is evidence of long-time starvation and abuse here. Don't worry dear, you're safe now. We won't let those horrible people take you again."

I am confused for a second before I realize what she is thinking. "Oh, no, I wasn't starved by Death Eaters, that was completely different… and a rather long story. I think I'll just go now." I try to get up again but am held back. I sit down on the bed and cross my arms.

The door to the infirmary opens and Lupin enters. He looks about ready to turn into a werewolf, moon or no moon, while at the same time looking as though he's just finished transforming back. "They have Snape bound and contained in one of the castle dungeon cells." Lupin comes over toward me, but it is Tonks he is aiming at. The two hug quite intimately. My eyebrows rise. I hadn't seen this pairing coming. "They'll be transporting him to the Ministry soon. He's sure to get the kiss, perhaps tonight."

"What?" I leap up, this time avoiding being pushed back onto the bed. I dodge and dance from foot to foot in agitation by the open door. "They can't do that. It will start everything all over again!" The three people in the room obviously think I'm insane, but I don't particularly care if they understand. In fact, it's probably better if they don't. The sooner out of the reality, the less damage I'll do. Though this is certainly one strange fanfiction. I'm sure I've never read it. One would certainly remember Snape killing Dumbledore and Lupin and Tonks. I mean, who would even think of that pairing? I've never read… My eyes widen. "I'm in canon!" I breathe. Oh… fuck. All the more reason to leave ASAP. I've just made the canon into another fanfiction. Best to leave before any more damage is done. I avoid their attempts to grab me by the simple expatiate of merging into the wall behind me. I concentrate on feeling out where Snape is and moving to him as I half-listen to their arguments.

"I thought you said she was a Muggle!"

"She is a Muggle!"

"Then how did she disappear? She had a Dark Mark, you said they put that on Muggles to torture them. She was a Death Eater all along."

"Well they do, and she certainly fits the profile of someone who's been in the hands of Death Eaters."

"Or Dementors."

"But she tested negative for magical ability! She can't have been a Death Eater. Besides, no one recognized her and Snape was attacking her."

I've found Snape. I give a little tug at the bond between us and am whisked away through many walls, corridors, rooms and doors… right into him. Obviously the first attempt at conscious manipulation of our link is only a partial success. Fortunately, we're alone in some sort of prison cell. I take a few steps back from Snape. At least he seems to have felt me coming and we didn't end up a pile on the floor again. "Hi." I say.

He raises an eyebrow at me.

I sigh. "Hello Aimry, I've been wondering where you had gotten to seeing as how they are going to sentence me to a Kiss and we know how well that ends."

He smirks. "Talking to yourself I see."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, whatever. We should get out of here. Or maybe I will by myself. You could use a Kiss with that attitude."

He grins evilly and leans closer to me, our noses almost touching. There is a manic light in his eye. "I probably do need a Kiss for what I've done."

I blush suddenly in remembrance brought on by his proximity. I take an involuntary step back. "Ah, speaking of which… never mind." I abruptly turn and move toward the door but am spun back around. Snape grips my shoulder so tight it's almost painful.

"What are you talking about?"

"Ah… er… that is…"

He grips my other shoulder as well, looking me intently in the face. "What?" He growls.

"You… showedmeallofthepastdaynotjustwhen'you'killedDumbledore." I wince.

Snape frowns as he translates before blushing deeply red. He drops his hands from my shoulders as if burned and abruptly stands up straight. "Uh…." That about sums it up for me too.

I shift uncomfortably and look anywhere but his flaming red and speechless face. I'm sure mine is as colorful. I cough. "So uh, it was fun and all and… er…" I hadn't thought it possible but I blush even more. Gods, I feel like a teen again. An inexperienced, antisocial, shunned teen at that. Heavens know it's not the sex, though that is embarrassing enough to admit watching, but the fact that I basically lived it… and the whole circumstances.

Snape coughs also and I manage to look up at his red chin. "So... you… experienced?"

"Everything, yeah. Physical and emotional." I fidget and turn towards the door. "So… let's find a way out, shall we?" I attempt to flee though the wall but am repulsed back. "God forsaken spawn of the foulest denizens of the pits of darkness! Who put up this bloody barrier!" I yell for the sake of stress relief. I kick the wall for good measure and manage to stub my toe.

"Do you think me so unskilled as to have not considered and attempted that very method?" Snape is yelling now too. Likely for exactly the same reason.

"I don't know what you would do you prickly self-sure bastard! How the hell should I know what you're twisted little mind will come up with, much less be capable of trying?" We get up in each other's faces and scream at the top of our lungs.

"Little mind! I am the one with the greater body of experiences you immature upstart irritation!"

"In other words you're an old man with no ability to try new things. Again, how should I know you would be flexible enough to try anything new?"

"I'll have you know I am very flexible!" I blanche, memories of the truth of that fact, both visual and tactile, flood my brain. I blush again.

"I am aware of your… flexibility." Snape is struck speechless again, twice in as many minutes. We look at each other uncomfortably before leaping apart at the loud noise of the door opening echoes in the silence. The cadre of Ministry officials looks in at us in surprise. "We need to get out of here now."

ooooOOOOOoooo------

A/N: Needed editing before I could start another chapter, I was feeling physical pain at some of the errors… anywho, I may or may not write more in the near future, but 'tis not abandoned, for all 3 of you who care .

A/N a million years later- found my hold up, got new ideas from the new… last book… :,( Anyway- the vampire thing was a fun side chapter, but it really doesn't work story-wise.


	28. Proceeding Sideways

Last time:

We look at each other uncomfortably before leaping apart at the loud noise of the door opening echoes in the silence. The cadre of Ministry officials looks in at us in surprise. "We need to get out of here now."

oOoOo

"The Muggle!" One of the Aurors yells, drawing her wand. Oh crap.

An arm grabs me around the throat and pulls me back sharply. My mouth opens wide as I gag and something gets shoved down my throat. The pressure on my neck lessens and I swallow reflexively. I feel the familiar shifting sensation of my invisibility/ phase-displacing potion shiver down my body.

"Where did they go?" The ministry official behind the Auror asks heatedly.

"Get inside quickly and shut the door." The Auror orders sharply, her brow furrowed. She and two other intimidating wizards slip inside, leaving no possibility of escape through the sides or the door. They shut the heavy wood with a solid thud and lock it with spells I can't make out. "Check the room- make sure they are not under any concealing spells."

The Aurors start to walk every inch of the room with their arms spread, sweeping de-concealing spells. Fortunately, nothing seems to be able to break through the potion's effects. I think it unlikely that the group will pace the room swiping with dragon claws, the only known reversal, as the potion is completely unprecedented.

As the Aurors get closer and closer, I back up, looking behind me quickly to see Snape doing the same thing. Eventually, though, there is no further place to back up to. When I try to scoot around the effective perimeter, Snape grabs me and shakes his head. I shrug and float up into the air. This method will undoubtedly be more effective, anyway. Their search pattern is amazingly effective. Snape glares at me when I look down at him. The Auror gets so close all I can do is hold my breath. They pass right through each other.

"Report." The head Auror says, finally, looking irritable.

"Clear, sir." The other two report, frowning.

"Where the hell did they go? We were looking right at them." The one says. He twists on his foot and fires a curse randomly in the small room. It hits below my foot and a small chunk of rock chips off and goes flying.

"That Muggle must have had a portkey on her." The head Auror says, not looking any more pleased than her squad.

"And some sort of brainwashing and devices." One of the others growls.

"Unless they had a person-specific portkey on her to bring her back to that scumbag Deatheater?" The second muses.

"Regardless, he's escaped. Whatever role the Muggle played, we've lost them." The head Auror sighs, looking sad and tired, now.

The door bursts open again. "Harry Potter just had an altercation with the escaped prisoner by the gates to the school!" The official blurts out. The three Aurors rush out of the door and slam it behind them. I leap at the door and bounce right off of it, being repulsed into the floor and skidding along the stone.

"I see my theory is correct." Snape says as he steps from the corner he had been crouching in further into the room.

"What?" I ask, rubbing a scrape on my hand until it disappears.

"The potion, as it is made of the same source as our previous attempts to escape, also prevents us from falling through the floor." He says, tucking a bottle into his robes.

"That was a great idea to use the potion." I say, standing up and shaking my clothes from the hospital gown I'd been wearing into jeans and a T.

Snape doesn't deign to answer me, just raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms.

I sigh. "So… new ideas on how to get out of here, then… preferably before we have to die of thirst or something equally unpleasant." I walk to the nearest wall and begin to feel along it, trying to _push_ into it, but feeling a static-like resistance when I do so.

"I see your imagination has sunken to as yet unknown lows." Snape sneers.

"What do you suggest, then?" I ask angrily. I feel a sense of hopelessness and don't know if it is coming from him or me. I sit down on the floor unhappily, ignoring the buzzing in my butt from the wards.

"You could attempt to run from this world as we have flown from so many others." Snape says sarcastically, folding his arms over his chest.

I float to my feet and walk over to Snape, hand extended. He takes it lightly. I sigh and close my eyes, feeling for the particular twist of reality that is leaving the world. My hand twitches as I get it right. We seem to fly upward… then get slammed back into our bodies. We fall together and the top of my head cracks on Snape's forehead.

"Merlin's balls!" Snape curses vehemently, snatching his hand from mine to rub his head. "What manner of incompetence have you subjected me to now?" He snarls, lowering his hand as the pain recedes.

"The barrier stopped the jumping, I suppose." I say, somewhat unnecessarily. "Canon must be stronger than any fiction." I muse.

"What possible relevance do Muggle ballistics have on our current situation?" Snape asks exasperatedly. His annoyance is beginning to press upon my consciousness and give me a headache.

"Not cannons- canon. The main story. As in, not a fanfiction- written by the goddess." I explain. "We are in the original story thread. That must be why all of our spells are no more nor no less effective than the other character's spells."

"Are you implying that due to who originated the history of this particular dimension in your world that your ridiculous powers are curtailed?" Snape asks, incredulous.

"Well… yes." I shrug. "JK always manages to write stories more amazing than the most intricate alternate universe fic. I mean, she strings along millions, even though some of those millions are so immersed in her world as to dedicate large portions of their lives to her universe, without disappointing a one in any way except to stir up even _more_ interest in her work." I sigh dreamily. "It truly is magic…"

"Compose yourself." Snape drawls. "I would hate to see you salivating over _Harry Potter._" He spits the name out in disgust.

I wink at him.

He snorts. "It seems we will have to think of some other tortuous method to free ourselves."

"Did you try the ceilings?" I ask.

"Few prefer walking on air to more mundane methods of travel."

"I'll take that as a 'no.'" I float up to the ceiling and proceed to run my hands over every stubbornly warded square inch of the stone. "Damn."

"This particular type of ward is only sustainable with a fully intact surface. Even the smallest microscopic breach sends it shattering to the ground." Snape says from where he is leaning against the wall. "Unfortunately, such a breach must come from the inside when the field's portals are intact." He smirks when I turn to him, dumbfounded.

"You knew this the whole time, but you let me go through all that trouble, anyway?" I ask, on the one hand irritated but on the other amused and not surprised.

Snape's smirk slides almost to a smile as he answers. "I have nothing more pressing to do. At the very least you were mildly entertaining to watch."

"We could have come up with something else to pass the time." I say with a quirk to my own lips. "Perhaps more heated arguments?" I offer.

"Hmm."

oOoOoOoOo

"Professor!" Deritine skids to a halt in front of Dumbledore, panting and looking over his shoulder quickly to see if there are any unicorns trailing him. Finding himself momentarily in the clear he continues. "Professor- there is a Death Eater, from the looks of him- barely alive… the unicorns have been keeping some of the normal Dementors off of him, but I don't know how much longer they can keep up the barrier."

"We need to get there right away!" Pirhanis says, stepping forward. "Deritine, lead the way!"

Deritine's eyes show white and he starts to twitch. "No, listen, just follow the unicorns, ok? They're all going that way, anyway."

"Is there something you want to tell me, dear boy?" Dumbledore asks kindly to the twitching teen in front of him.

"What?" Deritine says, looking over his shoulder again and wringing the Stun rope between his hands. "No, nothing… er… I'll be heading inside, then, shall I?" He runs off into the castle just as two stunning unicorns round the corner. They snort disappointedly and flare their delicate nostrils as though to catch a faint scent.

"Friends, could you show us to the man you have been guarding?" The two eye Pirhanis warily. The short blue elf glares back. "Pirhanis, if you would?" Dumbledore asks, twinkling mildly at the grumpy elf. Valrac grumbles but changes back to his human form quickly enough. "Please, friends, if you would take us to help your ward?"

The unicorns turn upon their cloven hooves daintily and leap off toward the Forbidden Forest. Pirhanis and Dumbledore hurry to keep up.

oOoOoOo

"What? That can't be right. You can't go in my hole!" I protest hotly.

"On the contrary, it is a legal move." Snape sneers.

"No way, it's suicide- your man would have no liberties."

Snape smirks. "On the contrary, this move deprives your formation of _it's_ liberties, and thus…" he picks one of my black stones, "I," he drops it into his captured stone bucket, "have," he picks up another and captures it, "won." He takes the remaining few and captures them, as well.

"That group was connected… oh _man_." I scowl at the board and my diagonal and thus not connected go stone formation. "I resign." I cross my arms and stare down at the snowy field of white go stones covering the board but for an appreciable, but ultimately negligible, scar of black. I sigh. "How did you get so good at a Chinese board game when I just taught it to you an hour ago?"

"Personal experience in tactics can apply to any form of strategy, especially something so simple as the principle for this game." Snape replies, sweeping his white stones into his cup and passing me back my black prisoners. I accept them and hand him his.

"If you say so." I fold the go board up and slip it back into nothingness. "In that case, I suppose it is a futile thought to try and play chess."

"Indeed."

I lean against the wall, crossing my arms over my head. "I'm getting thirsty. I suppose if they think we've escaped they won't be checking this room again."

"Perhaps, as you said this is a 'canon,' the universe itself is segregating us from itself." Snape muses, leaning against the wall beside me.

I look at him, eyes wide. "Do you really think so?"

He lets out a humorless laugh. "It would be just our luck."

"Yeah, you're not kidding. Well, we've pretty much exhausted my store of games to play… I don't know what else to do to pass the time. We can only summon what we've already experienced, after all. I suppose we could summon what each other has read?" I look at him dubiously. Most of what _I've_ read probably wouldn't appeal to him, at least recreationally. Our interests seem pretty diverse. I could summon textbooks, but we seem to share each other's knowledge, so…

Snape leans over towards me. My heart speeds up- now that _would_ be a pleasant way to spend some time… He reaches forward and picks a dog hair off my shirt. "Perhaps, instead- you could enlighten me on how to transform?" He asks, a twinkle in his eye and his emotions dancing about on the edge of sensing.

I raise an eyebrow.

oOoOoOo

Panting, Pirhanis and Dumbledore reach the clearing. In the center is a masked figure in a black robe, encircled by unicorns that alternatively poke at the figure and charge into the surrounding forest at the rattling and chilled forms of the Dementors.

The two have little trouble making it through the unicorns who dance out of their way, snorting and prancing.

Dumbledore reaches into his robes and pulls out a ratty old sock with a bunny stitched into the knitting. "I'll make a Portkey to take us directly to the infirmary." He says, pulling out his wand to do just that.

"Good thinking." Pirhanis says, looking greedily at the process to try to figure out how to duplicate it.

"I'll teach you how to make one later, when we are not in the middle of Dementor-infested woods." Dumbledore says, his eyes twinkling brighter than they have in a while.

Pirhanis coughs. "Of course." He reaches into his own robes and pulls out one of the mirrors that Sirius had made for everyone to communicate. "I'll let everyone know to secure the area. We don't want this Death Eater to escape or some other foolishness." Dumbledore nods as Pirhanis activates it. Harry is the first one to pick up. "Hey, let everyone know that we're bringing in a Death Eater to the infirmary. We need to set up a perimeter while Poppy assesses the damage."

Harry narrows his eyes and nods quickly. "Right."

"Pirhanis out."

"Done." Dumbledore holds out the sock. The bunny seems to have a bit more life to it, now, although that could just be due to the unicorns getting riled up enough to chase the Dementors farther away.

The two walk over to the Death Eater and Dumbledore places the sock on his back. "Ready? Once we both touch it, it will activate."

"Sure, new experiences are what one lives for, eh?" Pirhanis says dubiously, putting a finger on the sock gingerly.

Dumbledore beams. "Of course, my dear boy." He says as he touches the sock as well.

Pirhanis has enough time for a quick 'Ak!' before something hooks into his navel, giving the most odd tickling sensation, and pulls him squirming through the Portkey nether.

oOoOoOoOo

"Well, it's hard to explain it better. I just realize that I am, in fact, the person, and it's not changing so much as realizing." I put my hands on my hips and huff. "That's what you do to change clothes, ne?"

Snape glares at me. "I cannot change my clothing as frivolously as you."

I rub my forehead with a hand. "Ok, then maybe if you just think about doing something like you really want to- but only can as an animal. That's how I changed first- trying to attack Moldie. And Pirhanis did the same trying to attack Luscious."

"I have only can attempt attacking you, which though it is becoming increasingly appealing by the second, is not allowing my any progress in changing." He sneers.

"Ok, fine." I walk toward him. His eye twitches and I feel nervousness building. Good gods! The man has a personal bubble practically the size of the room. I whip my hand out to touch the side of his face. His nostrils flare and he gets a crazed look in his eye. "Hold still- this is obviously one of those things you have to do to know, and seeing as we have a mental connection it seems silly to keep trying to explain it verbally." I close my eyes and ignore the doubt and unease pouring through our link, hoping I'm projecting confidence but pretty sure I'm not… I concentrate on where I feel our minds meeting. Once I have that, I pick out an innocuous memory- ah, yes, like when I turned into Dumbledore and then a chicken. That is human as well as animal transformation. I relive the memory myself, sending it to the part of my consciousness that is in contact with his and sending tendrils out in invitation. It is seized and I relive it again, briefly. I open my eyes in time to see Snape toppling to the ground.

I lunge forward and barely manage to catch him before he cracks his head on the stone floor. I grunt and struggle to lower him gently. He's not exactly light as dead weight, and I'm still recovering physically from being basically undead for months. I reinforce my lifting with magical oomph and manage to get him draped at least somewhat comfortably on the floor. I resist the urge to lay his head in my lap, aware he would probably also transform first in a killing rage were I to do so. Instead I conjure a pillow and place it under his head.

"Well." I say to no one in particular. "I guess that tells me two things: the receiver is always going to pass out and if we do that again, we should conjure something soft ahead of time." I lean against the wall. I look up at the ceiling. Yup, still 42 stones… I look at the door frame and count the knots. I really think the one should count as two. If so, there are nine. I sigh. "Next time we're also going to give each other memories. I'm bored already." My stomach growls. I groan and let myself slide to the floor.

oOoOoOoOo

Pirhanis crashes face first into the wall of the infirmary. He falls on the floor trying to keep his nose from gushing blood and holding his mouth.

"AH!" he screams as both blood and vomit come out his nostrils.

"Oh my!" Poppy says, distracted from the Death Eater by Pirhanis.

Pirhanis coughs a couple times, spits out a disgusting combination of bile and blood and wipes his nose on his long elaborate robe. He glares at Dumbledore, who twinkles happily. "I'm _never_ traveling by Port Key ever again." He straightens and looks around. He raises an eyebrow. "And the Death Eater…?"

"She'll be fine with some rest and chocolate." Pomphrey says cheerfully.

"When did you…?" Pirhanis asks, dusting blood off his sleeve.

"While you were carrying on, dear."

"Oh."

Deritine bursts to the front of the crowd surrounding the Death Eater's bed. "Well, who is it? Who is it? I wonder why they were there! Let's wake her up and see!" He bursts out, dancing from foot to foot.

"Well we haven't…" Pirhanis starts, "Hey!"

Deritine rips off the mask and steps back. "Well, she looks like hell warmed over, frozen again and half-thawed."

"It looks like my cousin, Bellatrix." Sirius says, frowning.

"Bellatrix _LeStrange?!?"_ Pirhanis asks, pulling out his wand and leveling it at the woman passed out on the hospital bed.

"Yes… " Sirius confirms, raising his eyebrow in a 'so what?' kind of way.

"She killed…" Pirhanis trails off and looks at Sirius's puzzled face. "Oh. I guess I don't really have anything against her."

"She tortured Nevelle's parents into a mindless coma." Deritine prompts helpfully.

"Right!" Pirhanis says, smacking his fist into the palm of his other hand. "That was a really sad scene with Neville." He levels his wand at Bellatrix again. "For that, you _die!_"

"Wait!" Sirius says, flinging himself over the bed. "She's still my cousin! Don't you think she's suffered enough for what she did in Azkaban?"

"No." Pirhanis says waving his wand in a shooing motion.

"We were going to question her, weren't we, my boy? All Death Eaters have similar pasts, but for now we must put that aside considering our differences, don't you think?" Dumbledore asks kindly. Pirhanis lowers his wand, muttering, and Dumbledore twinkles.

"Well, let's wake her up, then, and ask her what is going on." Harry says from the back of the crowd.

"Oh, she's been awake this whole time." Poppy says cheerfully.

"And it was so _touching_ of you cousin." Bellatrix says as she cracks open her eye. Sirius blushes angrily. "I came here to escape." She continues, turning her attention to Dumbledore. "And to ask asylum. The Dementors have Kissed all the others. Including…" She starts to tear up and has to pause to look away.

"Including?"

"My lord Voldemort is gone, and I don't feel that he is coming back again!" She wails.


	29. The World

A/N: Thanks to getting 2 reviews and the new expansion of WoW, I have found the inspiration to finish this fic. Woo! As such this chapter is a touch longer than some in the past, but not long enough to split in two.

//// oOoOoOoOo

Chapter the LAST

oOoOoOoOo////

The idea won't leave me alone. It keeps coming back right when I've figured out something else to think about or do. It is really very distracting, and not a little annoying.

"Hey, do you think I could turn into a plant?"

"As in, a photosynthetic organism?" Snape asks, looking cranky that my comment had made him jump a bit where he is sitting.

"No, I mean an alien that powers intergalactic space ships." I drawl. He looks at me with a look of complete disgust that handily obviates the need for him to tell me I am being an idiot. Again. I sigh. "I'm thinking moss." There was that look again. Well, no time like the present, I suppose. What in the world does moss think about? How would one manage it? I try to make my sense of self dissolve and spread over the rocks behind me, thinking thoughts of loam and granite and green frills.

"Wait… that…" Snape stares down at the spot where I had been and only barely resists the urge to set the somewhat bedraggled patch of foliage on fire. "Merlin's hairy balls." He growls. His stomach matches the noise in sympathy. A contemplative look crosses his face. "Some kinds of moss are edible…"

oOoOoOoOo

"Ok. So we've got all the lines set up to reinforce the Founder's wards. That should give us a little more time before the whole mess tumbles down and the Dementors take over and turn us into soulless zombie minions." Deritine rubs his hands together happily. The others give him a look of disbelief.

"You couldn't have tried to make that more cheery, could you?" Harry asks, running his hand absently over the coils of the Reling snake.

"What do you mean?" The dog-turned-human asks in puzzlement.

"Never mind that, we still have one more to do…" Pirhanis looks at the diagram that he, Dumbledore, and the best minds in the castle had come up with. "The last one is outside the current wards, though, so it is possible that we'll get attacked when we try to install it."

"Well, fine. But we don't _need_ to do that one right now." Deritine sulks.

"No, we are prepared." Pirhanis says. A gleam suddenly comes to his eye and the group in front of him, which is most of the remaining people from Hogwarts, shy away a bit. Pirhanis' voice raises as he begins to get into speech mode. "Aye, the task is large, but we are here, together! We shall _go forth_ and face our foes with the great will in our hearts that blossoms from this, our fountain in the springtime of youth!"

"Oh boy."

Pirhanis ignores the comments. "My friends, this day will be remembered! For tonight- we _RAID_!"

OOoOoOoOo

Snape paces the room restlessly. Now that he is entirely alone he finds himself wishing for some company. As annoying as the girl had been, he is not entirely used to being alone anymore. Now there is no one to snap at, or curse, or… even talk or glare at. He walks to the door and grabs the knob, twisting it in desperation.

With a click and a bit of a groan, the door swings easily open.

Snape stares at it for a good thirty seconds before cursing as loudly and as imaginatively as he ever has before in his life. When the red haze fades from his vision he looks down the corridor nervously, but it seems that no one was around to hear his outburst. He straightens his robes and looks back at the moss growing in the corner of the cell. For a moment he contemplates trying to rouse the annoyance and get them out of here… but he quickly discards the idea. He doesn't need to end up being ass-raped or killing his mentor again, thank you.

Snape concentrates on his appearance and runs his hands over his face when he feels it shift. A quick trip to the nearest bathroom shows him a face that looks nothing like anyone he has ever met- rather average brown hair and grey eyes with an average nose, a sprinkle of facial hair and a somewhat full mouth. Satisfied he creeps out of the castle. It must be some sort of vacation as there seems to be no one around. Once past the apparation wards Snape concentrates and is gone.

OOoOoOoOo

"They're coming! Run!" Pirhanis pivots on his back foot, bringing his staff to bear on the Dementors chasing them. "I need something to slow these fools down so everyone can escape." He mutters to himself. "Dammit! Why don't I have any AoE slows or roots or anything. Argh!" The screams are loud in his ears when he darts forward, meeting the monsters before they could attack anyone else. They round on him and he lets out a rattling breath. They are all in front of him and he raises his hands. "Too bad I don't have a giant ball or something that I could roll over them." He growls as they almost overtake him. "Freeze!" He cries, not really expecting anything of it, more just wanting to say the phrase in context. But to his surprise a cone of cold air bursts from his hands and hits all of the Dementors. They take on a curious blue tint and begin to float very very slowly towards him. "Huh?"

"Look out! Behind you!"

Pirhanis whips around and sees that a second group of Dementors is moving to surround him. "AH!" He screams, flinging his hands out. His mouth drops open when they all become incased in blocks of ice. "Wha…?"

"Run you idiot!" Pirhanis looks up to see that everyone has made it safely inside the barrier and are hurriedly moving to set up the final steps so that it will expand and push the Dementors away from him. But he can see already that it will be too late. Even with the ones behind him moving so slowly they will still be able to catch him. And more of them are moving to block his escape.

"Crap." Pirhanis moves to teleport just as a bony hand grabs onto him. He panics and tries to twist away. If he teleports now, bringing the Dementor with him, it could pop the shields around the entire castle. He blinks to try to clear the tears of desperation gathering in the corners of his eyes and lashes out when another arm grabs him.

"Whoah! Relax. You made it all the way back in." Pirhanis opens his eyes and looks at Deritine.

"What?"

"You teleported over here, it's fine."

"But… I didn't… the Dementor had me grabbed…" He turns around and looks behind him. He seems to have gone a good twenty yards. And now he feels so drained of mana.

"Those spells were quite interesting that you just used, my boy. You've been holding out on us." Dumbledore says with a relieved twinkle. "They should come in useful in the future when we need to fight those things."

"It only slowed them down, though." Harry huffs, looking put out that he hadn't been the one in the thick of things.

"Which is more than most of our magics can do, is it not?" Dumbledore counters gleefully.

"I suppose."

"But… I don't know that spell. I certainly don't have it memed." Pirhanis holds up his hand in front of his face in bewilderment. "What was that?" The skin of his index finger sloughs off and falls to the ground. "Ah!" Pirhanis screams.

"Whoah. You _are_ a zombie!" Deritine enthuses.

Pirhanis feels the eyes roll up into his head and then everything is darkness.

OOoOoOoOo

"Oh and did you hear about that tragic story with Severus Snape?" The buxom woman gushes, slopping beer down Snape's front. He isn't sure which to be more annoyed about- the waste of perfectly good beer, or the fact that the woman had brought up his double's ignominious death scene and confession of love. For Lily Potter of all people! The witch had been idiot enough to fall for Potter and Severus had wiped his hands of her then and there. As if he needs some pathetic unrequited love to keep him chaste and turn him to the side of 'Good'! He can get laid and realize the Dark Lord is a total ass all on his own, thanks very much. Fortunately, he is past being drunk enough to spout this out and on to the stage of drunk where his words aren't making much sense at all.

"Hmm." He says instead, relieving the woman of the beer for its safety before chugging what is left of it and placing it just to the left of the bar. No one notices it crash to the ground, although fortunately it is charmed to be unbreakable. He snakes a hand around the woman's waist and leans into her.

"Do you want to role-play? I'll illusion you to be Severus." The woman says, her voice husky.

Snape half collapses on her and lets out a large guffaw. Oh, the irony. He finds himself very close to the woman's ear, so he decides to set one thing straight. "I would much prefer that you stay as yourself. You're much more attractive."

After that he is practically dragged out of the bar by one thoroughly flattered witch. He waves at the hoots coming from some of the wizards who had been pouring the beer into him for the better part of the night after declaring him 'too serious'.

"Way to go, mate!" One of them calls as he disappears up the stairs.

OOoOoOoOo

"I don't know it I can teach it to you all… I have no idea how I did that cone of… cold thing." Pirhanis protests.

"Cone of cold." Fickle starts. "A mage spell gained in the 26th level at Rank 1. Subsequent ranks are gained at 34, 42, 50, 58, 65, 72, and 79, A cone in front of the caster damages enemies and slows them for 8 seconds by 50%."

"Say what? That's not an Everquest spell." Pirhanis rubs his face with his hands, eeping when another chunk of flesh sloughs off from his wrist just under the bandages around his hands.

"No. It is from World of Warcraft."

"Like the real time strategy?" Pirhanis looks to Deritine in confusion.

"No. It is a MMO."

"Fascinating. But we need to know how to cast the spell, not its history." Draco drawls. Hermione lays a hand on his arm and he settles with a huff.

"No, we need to know why my skin is falling off!" Pirhanis snaps. "Those things could have done something to me." He slips down further in the hospital bed.

"You are undead." Fickle states.

"WHAT!?! I am NOT!"

"Your race is undead, class mage. Your highest character is Twiddly."

"What kind of name is that?" Harry asks. "Some sort of candy?"

"Oh… this is maybe sounding familiar." Pirhanis says, his eyes crossing as he thinks. "I'm getting flashes of Chuck Norris jokes…"

"Who is Chuck Norris?" Dumbledore asks, looking eager. "A wizard?"

"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried." Deritine says, face stoic for a few seconds before he cracks up.

"While in your REM sleep mode you have been requesting access to the new MMO." Fickle continues. "So far you have logged 82 days 17 hours and 47 minutes of play time."

"In my dreams?" Pirhanis murmurs. "Yes… I AM undead…" He cringes. "Why didn't I pick a troll?" He pulls at a rotting scrap of skin forlornly. "By the Lich King's frozen cock!"

"Which king?" Dumbledore asks, an odd gleam in his eye.

"The king of the undead." Pirhanis mopes.

"Indeed…" Dumbledore murmurs, stroking his beard.

oOoOoOoOo

Severus sneaks out of the room and closed the door behind him as quietly as he can manage. Much of the night was a blur, but he remembers enough that the headache he has is not entirely due to the hangover. He rummages in his pockets to try to find the hangover cure he always stashes there, but it seems that his double was more concerned with being poisoned than suffering the aftereffects of a good time. Which, despite the embarrassment of being thought a hopeless romantic, last night had certainly had been.

"Oh hey! You going to the ceremony?" His friend from last night asks. He looks entirely too chipper. Severus considers forgiving him when he holds out the familiar orange-yellow potion.

Severus snatches it up and takes a sniff. It is Hue's formula, brewed a little over a month ago. He would much prefer his own, but beggars with massive head aches can't be choosers. He downs the potion and sighs with relief as the inferior brew takes away most of the pain.

"So, you up for the ceremony?"

"What ceremony?" Snape asks, handing back the bottle.

"The 'Dark Lord is dead' ceremony, of course."

"For the Potter brat, I suppose." Snape sneers.

"Don't give the kid a hard time, Sam." Severus winces at the fake name. "He did save us all, after all." The wizard claps him on the back and Snape glares at him. "There will be food." The wizard coaxes.

Severus' stomach rumbles. "Hm."

"That's the spirit!" He crows. "Does your friend want to join us?" He asks with a leer.

"Er… probably best we leave before she recovers her senses."

He throws back his head and laughs. "That's the spirit. We'll see if we can both get lucky again tonight, eh? I hear there might be free beer at this celebration as well."

"Hm."

oOoOoOoOo

"So, you picked a mage while playing this new game." Deritine says from the side of Pirhanis' bed, watching as the now undead dark elf, Dumbledore and a few other Rune masters pore over a very complex diagram.

"Yes." Pirhanis says absently, running a cloth-wrapped hand over a particular rune and causing it to morph into one that is slightly different.

"And an WoW mage is basically the same thing as an EQ wizard." Deritine continues.

"Yes…" Pirhanis says, nodding as Dumbledore adds another bracket at the edges of the North pinnacle.

"So basically you switched games but are playing the exact same thing. That's pretty lame."

Pirhanis whips his head around to Deritine, his eyes glowing a disturbing ice blue. "No, that would be dedication to class." He hisses.

"I call it lame. More than that, it's boring." Deritine sighs and transforms into a dog and slips under the bed when Pirhanis growls at him and tries to cast something (probably explosive) on him.

"I think we've just about figured this out, my boy." Dumbledore says cheerfully. "With this new ability of yours to summon people, and your new religion… with these modifications I think we will be able to reverse it and set off a chain reaction."

Pirhanis rubs his head and glares at the strip of skin on his hand before replying. "That is if we get the main one. If we get the lesser It may be able to cut off the link between them before they all get sucked in."

oOoOoOoOo

Severus creeps into Hogwarts' deepest parts. Luckily for him, the celebration had been on the grounds. He had had to sit through a nauseating speech about Harry bloody Potter, though fortunately the brat had seemed like he wanted to leave as much as Snape had. But now, he is in a perfect position to get back to the cell room where he had last seen a particular batch of moss. "There you are." He mutters.

"Hey. What are you doing in here?" Severus turned around and almost groans before he realizes that Neville Longbottom is actually exactly the person he wants to see.

"Do you happen to know how to speak to plants?" Severus asks.

"What?" Neville frowns at the non sequitur.

"Do you know a spell, boy!" Snape growls. But his current form is much less intimidating or Neville has grown a bit from leading a rebel army, because he merely looks at the older wizard with a quizzical look on his face. "For plants that are more than merely magical and may, in fact, be senescent." Severus explains more calmly.

"Well, sure."

"I believe that this moss is one such plant."

Neville looks at it dubiously. "I don't know about that. It looks pretty ordinary to me."

"I saw a woman rise out of it just before you came- she spoke to me." Severus lies smoothly.

"I think you're drunk." Neville says shortly. Snape curses his clothing- he had tried to clean it via Scourgify and to change it entirely as Aimry had shown him, but it still seemed to retain the stink of beer his bed partner had spilled on him the night before.

"What harm could it do to check?" Severus said, trying to sound reasonable and sober. Which he figured was not an impossible task, as he was, in fact, quite sober.

Neville turns back around with a sigh. "I suppose. If it means you will go back out to the party."

"Absolutely." Severus lies again.

"Fine." Neville twirls his wand expertly and closes his eyes.

"Tell her to come get some sunlight." Severus says, looking from recent graduate to plant eagerly.

"She is a conscious plant!" Neville exclaims with some surprise. "She's asking why she should come out."

"Tell her it's boring here and so sickeningly sweet she's sure to gag, so we need to make good our escape."

"Alright, I told her, but what is that supposed to… holy!"

I step off the wall and look between the two wizards. "Hi." I look over at Snape. "Er… are you…"

"I'm dead, don't say the name." Severus hisses.

"Ok." I acknowledge.

"You… but… plant!" Neville sputters.

"You've never seen a plant Animagus?" I ask him haughtily.

"No! I haven't" He shakes his head. "There is no such thing! It's _ani_-magus. As in _animal_."

"Shows what you know." I say, sweeping by him. I barely remember to actually walk instead of simply floating along. "So. How'd you get out?"

"The door was unlocked." Snape drawls.

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely."

I laugh. "That's too easy, I'll let it slide for now."

Snape narrows his eyes, then they widen and he glares as he runs back over the conversation.

"Wait! I want to become a plant animagus. Will you teach me?" Neville asks, following after me eagerly.

"You would." Severus snorts, following after us.

"Ah. It is simply a matter of thinking how a plant would think, rather than how an animal would. Besides that, just follow the animagus instructions." I say to him, hoping that he will leave us alone. Unfortunately he continues to pester us until we come blinking into the sunlight. I look around, amazed at the number of people here. "What's going on?"

"Potter defeated the Dark Lord." Snape says, his face twisted into a wry grin. "What else?"

"He had help." Neville says, looking like he is eager for one of us to ask who. I have no intention of giving him the opening and neither does Severus. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people around to oblige him.

"Oh, who helped?" A Ravenclaw asks, moving closer to Neville and blushing.

Severus and I roll our eyes.

"Why, our dear Professor Snape."

I blink. I had been expecting him to start on his own victories. I look over at Snape and see him turning an interesting mix between green and white.

"Why, yes. He was desperately in love with Harry's mum, you see- tried to save her from the Dark Lord. But he was betrayed and Lilly was killed." Severus lets his face fall into his palm and groans. "It is a tragic story of unrequited love- he gave his memories to Harry just before he died of the poison coursing through his veins from Voldemort's pet serpent."

"Oh?" I ask, my lips quirking.

"Oh, yes." Neville continues, warming as the Ravenclaw tries to wrap herself around him and at the prospect of a fresh audience. "At the end he was just looking up into Harry's eyes, wanting to see that part of Lilly one last time before he died."

I am almost able to keep it inside, but Severus' groan of horror sends me off the edge and I fall to the ground, rolling around in laughter. Even the nausea I feel coming from Snape is not enough to dampen my mirth.

"I know! Isn't it ridiculous! I can't believe that slimy git had me shaking in my shoes for so many years of potions classes." Neville looks positively smug.

Severus picks me up off the ground and carries me over his shoulder to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, shooting a glare at Neville to keep him from following. "It is not as humorous as you seem to think it is."

I slide off his shoulder and wipe my eyes. "Are you kidding? That's possibly the lamest way to die I have ever heard of." I eye him contemplatively. "You aren't…"

"No." He snarls. "I started working for Dumbledore because Voldemort was an atrocious leader and I could see he was rapidly losing his mind."

"Alright." I say, holding my hands up placatingly.

"I want to get back to my world, now. This place is starting to make me lose teeth."

"Too happy for you?" I ask sarcastically.

"Yes."

"Oy! Sam! There you are. What happened to the 'get drunk and get lucky again' plan? You need to catch up!"

Severus closes his eyes and rubs his forehead.

"Who is that?" I ask, puzzled. "And what does he mean by '_again'_" I ask, more suspicious.

oOoOoOoOo

"I don't know that I like this idea." Deritine says, looking about as anxious at the look the unicorns are giving him as the solid mass of blackness swarming at the edge of the temporary wards.

"We all need to be there in order to do the reverse-summon spell." Pirhanis hisses back at him. "And besides, only with the three of us together will Harry seem like he is actually Aimry."

"Indeed. Without all of us together, the prospects of this mission approach 0%." Fickle adds.

Harry, with a illusion cast on him to look like me, steps to the front of the other three and addresses the largest Dementor with the healthiest looking complexion. "We have come to surrender. If you have us, you have promised to leave the rest alone." Harry says in my voice.

"That is correct." It rattles. Harry makes a good show of fighting with himself as to whether he believes It.

"Ok. We're coming out then." The four walk to the very edge of the barrier, Pirhanis touching his toe to the lines of salt laid out behind them and muttering under his breath. Deritine and Fickle watch him avidly. Just as they pass the border Pirhanis finishes the last word of the invocation and touches Harry's back. The ring on the boy's hand glows white-blue and starts to pulse. Deritine and Fickle quickly touch it and Harry slams his hand into the open maw It was lowering to suck on their souls.

With a screech It falls back, but the blue-white pulses around him, now, flickers of it jumping from one to the other of the Dementors until the entire vast army of them are enveloped in bright light and vanish.

Pirhanis, Deritine and Fickle fall forward as if someone had just stopped leaning on them.

"Whoah. It worked!" Deritine says. "I didn't even realize I was feeling them until… poof!"

"What about in WoW?" Pirhanis asks the goat-computer anxiously.

"They were successfully uploaded into the lore of Warcraft." Fickle confirms.

"Yes!" Harry says, pumping his fist in the air.

oOoOoOoOo

The legion of dark robed creatures look around themselves in confusion. They are on a wide plane covered in ice. In front of them, a throne sits with a figure in intricate armor frozen to the seat.

It comes forward but stops when the eyes begin to glow. "Why have you come?" A voice that echoes with human and godly elements asks.

The Dementors sway at the power and It rattles in a breath. "We have come to serve you, my Lord."

The figure steps up from the throne, ice shattering as it releases its grip. "The Lich King has risen, and the Scourge will sweep through the world once again." The voice says.

"Yes…." It isn't sure how to steal the power from the being in front of It, but what is there far exceeds what the human female had been able to give. The human vessel containing the god's powers was weak and corrupted. It would take some doing, but not an impossible amount of work, to become Lich King.

"Now that you have awoken me, we may begin the conquest anew!" The odd dual voice of Arthas rumbles over the valley. Arthas and It looks down as a dragon made of bones and glowing blue magic flies overhead and the undead army roars with renewed power.

oOoOoOoOo

"You got a little drunk and slept with some random woman who wanted to role play as Lilly Potter?" I am completely incredulous. What in the world?

"Can we just go?" Snape sighs. The other man had left after almost being hexed by both myself and Snape for his vulgar comments.

"You are one sick and twisted pup, you know that?" I seethe. Honestly- if he wanted Lilly Potter *I* could have done that, too. I wince at the thought. Maybe not. I grab his cloak in my hand and _twist_.

…

"Oh, Aimry!" a familiar voice calls.

I open my eyes. "Hah! I did it!"

Snape rips himself from my grip and stalks off as my cousin, subconscious and laptop all clamor to get closer and greet me. "Welcome back!"

"So… sorry I got sort of lost, there, but now I'm back. We can take care of…" I shudder.

"Oh. We already got rid of It." Pirhanis says offhandedly.

I blink. "Really?"

"Sure. Sent It off to a MMO where It can kill as many people as It wants and no hurt anyone but maybe some people's RAM." Deritine grins.

"Oh." I stand in shock. "How long ago was that?"

"Eh, last night I guess."

"When I was freaking moss." I mutter. Snape, apparently, is right. I am worse than useless- things only happen when I'm not here at all and enjoying the benefits of photosynthesis. "That's it. I'm going into the Forbidden Forrest and living the rest of my days as an elm."

"What? Why?" Pirhanis trails after me.

"Can I get back in your head before you do that?" Deritine asks, skipping over and knocking his head into mine.

I growl and slog forward, dragging them laughing behind. "Maybe a shrub instead. Something with thorns."

"Hey, it all ended up ok in the end, right?" Deritine laughs.

"I suppose if you consider wiping out most of the population of Britain you could say that." Pirhanis replies dryly, peeling off a part of his ear.

"Pfft." Deritine says, waving his hand nonchalantly. "Details, details."


End file.
